Well it’s Not Brain Surgery

No wonder she couldn’t figure it out.

My sister the Brain Surgeon has taken up bike riding. Of course she has all the requisite equipment except for a functional bike. Let me explain. BS inherited Gestational Countessa’s (GS) old bike from way back. BS cannot throw away anything. I purchased the bike for GS when she was in high school. So it has more than a few years on it.

The other day BS and her husband were biking along and she was having a difficult time. She realized something was awry but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. When they decided to take a break she mentioned it to her husband and he didn’t seem too bent out of shape about it.

It wasn’t until they stopped to fill her rear tire with some air; they discovered that both her tires were dry rotted and that she was riding on the rims. DUH!

If there was a brain lying in the bike path, she would have been all over that. Things happen for a reason.

My B-I-L bought her a new bike for her birthday which is today. I hired a personal chef to teach 6 of us how to prepare a 4 course gourmet dinner and then dine in style. I have to say we did a great job. Turns out Little Mermaid, who is too old for that moniker now, is a frustrated Sous-Chef. Who knew? That girl can chop better than any Ronco™ product I’ve ever seen. We shall therefore refer to her as Sous-Chef Mermaid. That is until I come up with something better.

In the meantime, join me in wishing my older sister the Brain Surgeon a very happy birthday!

Sis: Wishing you happiness today and ALL days!

Aunt Wicked Part Deux

Yes friends, it’s now official. My younger sister and her husband, Gestational Countessa and Uncle Fun, are expecting a bundle of joy.

The first trimester is over, the amnio has been performed and I know that I will be having a niece sometime around March.

Her nickname is Roseannrosanahanna or Gilda for short. Uncle Fun thinks that is a hoot. Gestational Countessa was not amused. Oh well, my niece my choice of moniker.

Don’t worry Little Mermaid; I have enough love in my heart for 2 nieces. Always know that since you are the first you will have an extra special place there that Gilda cannot replace.

Cigars for everyone!!

Plausible Deniability

Things that me go hmmmmmmm?

Ever try to debate a personal topic with an individual who is so narcissistic that you would turn blue before he or she would admit to any wrongdoing? Frustrating. Thankfully, I have eliminated most of these types from my core pool. Unfortunately, for him/her, one tries valiantly to hang on.

Cryptic, you say? Damn straight, my Blog my style. If you aren’t intelligent enough to play along or amused enough to decipher some of my posts, I promise not to lose any sleep over it. Hope you do the same.

Once again, I digress. I’ve made a pact with my self to leave these deleterious types in my wake. Now if they are ignorant enough to tread the choppy waters, then I promise to make the journey as amusing as possible. Gratifying to me? You bet your ass.

Want to come along for the ride? Have I ever let you down before?

Dear Trader Joe’s Patron:

All right. I am only going to say this once lady, pay attention.

If you have enough time to fondle every single melon in the display, then you most certainly have enough time to wait on line to pay for your perfect gourd. I cannot believe you were trying to play the “I am late to pick up my child” card when you spent 16 minutes palpating fruit. We all have busy lives and each of our minutes are just as precious as yours. If you are so late to pick up Junior, explain to me how you had the time to write a check for one item?

I almost offered to pay the grocery tab of the woman who would not let you go ahead of her in line. I did offer to give her one of my bottles of wine while I was walking back to my car. How did I know it took you 16 minutes to finalize your melon choice? You kept her from even looking at them.

There is a God and today she was staking her claim at Trader Joe’s.

I've Got Nothing But This Joke Edition

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about
three months ago when we broke down, And those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband




"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk

Made me chuckle while I am trying to find the top of my desk.....enjoy!

The Effects of Caffeine; Vacation VS Work

Why is it that while on vacation, I can consume a whole pot of coffee and not feel the least bit jittery? Yet, while at work after my second cup I start hyperventilating.

I don’t get it.

Ameliorated

I knew I was in dire need of a break before I left; the severity of my urgency became clear the second my toes hit the sand. I will not bore you with the details that lead to my epiphany. I will let you know that if I could figure out how to bottle up the response I have to being at the shore I would market it in an instant and retire early. Until then, I have made myself a promise to not let myself wait so long for the next break.

Although the weather was not great, the atmosphere and accommodations provided the respite I needed. I had full view of the ocean and the bay. The ability to watch the sun rise and set from the confines of a balcony with my favorite libation was the exact prescription I required.

I return insouciant and rejuvenated, ready to face whatever comes my way. Let the games begin.....

Down the Ocean...Hon!

I am off to the Beach. How can you all miss me if I don’t go away?

Try to behave yourselves, I know how difficult that can be for some of you. I may be back soon or not. One never knows about these things.

I’ll leave you with a poem by Linda Harnett which best describes my reasons for escaping to the shore.



Oh, to be lying,
On a beach,
Somewhere,
With sand in my toes,
And the wind,
In my hair.

And only the sound,
Of the seagulls,
On high,
On a beach,
Somewhere,
Under sunny blue sky.

The gentle caress,
Of the waves,
On the shore,
Could I ask for more?

Flowers for Algernon

I was hoping that this week was a representation of the play. Alas, it was not.

I was prepared to wax poetic about the injustices suffered by being surrounded by those with off the chart IQs. Instead I learned that ignorance is truly bliss. Next life I will return ignorant. The synapses that I have wasted attempting to be politically correct have been painful. Nay, excruciating. Charlie, I understand now.

If I have to repeat a week like this one ever again, then friends, I need to make reservations for a padded cell.

Thank the heavens the weekend is a few hours away. Any longer and I would not have made it.

On the Edge

These short work weeks, although good for the soul, really screw with my sense of keeping time. At work, I am a creature of habit. At home, not at all. We have a certain crew that rotates through my location certain days of the week. Fridays are usually the let’s all go out to lunch day. Yesterday we ended up with the usual Friday crew so of course we went out to lunch.

No matter what the stress level in the office, take us out of our element and not only are we going to have fun but so are most of the people within a 50 yard radius. We’re infectious, what can I say. (If you are interested and local, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll let you know where we are dining this Friday)

Today we noticed a very odd pairing of co-workers. We don’t know “for sure” if they were co-workers but all actions lead us to believe that scenario. We witnessed 4 of the homeliest women in Northern Virginia seated with an attractive man. Under normal circumstances, the group would not have drawn any attention. However, this group deserved recognition due to the body language of the alpha male. The booth they were seated in was basically in the shape of a circle, the booth itself elevated by one step. The women were bunched together chatting, laughing, conversing. The gentleman was at the end of this booth, seated at the farthest edge of the cushion with one foot one the floor. His posture reminded me of someone who was going to take off running. He looked painfully uncomfortable both physically and socially. He was not engaged in any of the conversations taking place at the booth, he was either watching one of the many TVs in the place or gazing in any direction but the booth itself. Before the women arrived, he spent about 10 minutes arranging the items strategically on top of the table; the salt and pepper shakers, catsup and the specials menu.

What can I say, there was a slight delay in receiving our food and I am a people watcher.

So what do you think was the deal with this man? He certainly was not there to enjoy the company.

Carded

This week the school kids returned back to their routine. Not being a parent, I do enjoy hearing about the first day of school escapades.

One of the specialists I work with was sharing the tender moments of his daughter’s first ever day of school. He recounted the entire morning, from the time she awoke to the tearful goodbye of he and his wife as their daughter skipped into school oblivious to the heartache she was causing with her independence.

The Doc went on to explain that his daughter was very concerned about receiving a red card while riding the bus. Apparently, they dole out red cards to children who misbehave. Once they have accumulated enough red cards, I suppose their bus riding privileges disappear. I told him if that was the practice when I started school, I would have accumulated enough red cards to fill one of those contraptions they deal cards out of in Vegas.

He walked away horrified, mumbling that his daughter would never get into that kind of trouble. Well Doc, I don’t think any father plans for that but you may want to have a conversation with my dad.

I’m just sayin…….

Toot Toot, Hey…. Beep Beep

MIT:Every Sunday night I wrack my brain to figure out a money making scheme to keep me from having to show up at work each Monday. How about you?

Wicked:Well I keep trying to be the E-Bay entrepreneur but things aren’t moving fast enough.

MIT:I hear you. Maybe we could be ladies of the evening?

Wicked:Yea, I am not sure my profit margin would be any better in that arena either.

MIT:We are older; I guess we’d be attracting the wrong clientele.

Wicked:Plus, is it really worth it?

MIT:You are right, with all the diseases, etc. We should stick to our toys and just show up to work every weekday.

Wicked:I hate it when you are right, Dammit!

Bumbershoots and Galoshes

It doesn’t take much to screw up traffic in this area. Adding a tropical storm right in the middle of the Labor Day weekend will certainly cause all kinds of trouble.

You all be careful. Batten down the hatches and have a safe weekend.

Pierced Pepper Mills

I realize this requires much explanation. Pull up a chair get comfy....here we go.

First of all, does everyone have the pleasure of working with a fun bunch of crazies like I do? If you don’t, I feel for you, honestly.

We are a diverse group. If you saw us together in a non-festive situation, I am willing to bet that you wouldn’t believe we could have some wicked fun away from work. We do. We do indeed.

Last night started out customarily, a cohorts birthday celebration. Before I forget, I have three words for you: Key Lime Martini. Don’t question it, go out and try one and then get back to me. Thank God for sidekicks who like to bend a few while waiting for the rest of the gang. We are nothing if not entertaining. The Three Lushkateers!

We kept the bartender hopping, he looked a little bored before we arrived. I am sure that’s his take on the evening as well. Anyhoo, after 2 cocktails the rest of the party showed up and off we were ushered to a table in the rear of the establishment. Maybe our reputation preceded us? You never know.

It all started innocently enough, we are medically inclined so of course the conversation took a medicinal turn and before you know it we were trying to explain why anyone would pierce that part of his anatomy. Since I believe in visual aides and because we had an unusually odd shaped pepper mill on the table. Bing, bang boom, our straight laced associate got the picture and blushed the deepest shade of crimson you’ve ever seen. Good times!

It’s not a successful party until one of us is mortified.

So, what did you all do last night?

And Your Point Is?

I have a huge problem when I encounter nepotism at the workplace. I do not, nor will I ever, believe that relatives should work in a situation where one is supervising the other. (My blog, my opinion. Don't like it, stop reading.) Similarly, I don’t believe that one should use a relative as their trump card in any type of work related issue.

This brings me to a recent conversation I somehow got entangled in while on the clock. Okay, who are we kidding, I live for moments like these:

(Scenario: 2 visitors from another site visiting my office recently)

Wicked: Hey, what’s up?
Coworker 1 (CW1): Wicked!! Whadya know girl?
Coworker 2 (CW2): Long time no see, what’s the scoop.
Wicked: Aw you know, always full of scoop. Pick a topic.
(For obvious reasons, I will not divulge the topic. I am not that stupid)
CW1: How about the recent excitement?
Wicked: What about it?
CW2: Oh, you know CW1 is related to a big shot.
Wicked: Really? Well I am related to my parents. What’s the point? If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
CW1 & 2: Blink....blink.....
Wicked: CW1 being related to a big shot means absolutely nothing to me. Not intimidated by it in the least. If CW1 doesn’t want to know my opinion of the recent events, then he shouldn’t have asked.
CW2: Good point. My bad.
( Funny how CW1 was intently listening to the exchange but not participating)
Wicked: Well you screwed up your chance to hear my opinion on the subject. Off you both go now. I am a busy woman.
CW1: Does this mean we are done discussing the excitement?
Wicked: In order to have a discussion, all parties must actively participate. Since you chose to abstain, we are through here.
CW2: Giggles
CW1: ......
Wicked: Have a nice day gentlemen. Y’all come back now, you here?

Watch Out Everyone!!!

Mother Nature is having a BAD day. If Mamma's not happy, aint nobody happy. Although, if she is flipping us off collectively perhaps she will be able to let it go.

I may just stay under the covers to be safe.

The Apple Never Falls Far From the Tree

The other day while driving back from a lunch outing with co-workers, we were involved in a spirited discussion. I was driving and actively participating in the debate. I noticed that my passengers got very quiet quickly. I asked them what was wrong. They in turn asked me why we were traveling so slowly while in the left lane.

Apparently, I am unable to partake in a spirited debate and follow the regular traffic laws simultaneously. Wait, it gets better. Ever since I can remember I have always criticized my Father for being unable of performing the exact same tasks.

So the lesson here folks is to be careful how you admonish your elders because here is the proof that it will indeed turn around and bite you in the ass.

Sorry Dad!

Overheard in No. VA

That woman is 6 cats shy of being the "Crazy Cat Lady"!

Priceless......

When Pigs Fly

I have mentioned him ad nauseam. It seems Mr. I Posses an MBA but I cannot even take a basic H&P, is out pounding the pavement again. Thank the heavens GE wised up quick and asked him to be successful elsewhere.

This just in, he used the nepotism card and tried to strong arm a Northern VA hospital into hiring him. However, he was up against one major fatal flaw. You see the big wig Docs at his former place of employment could give a rats ass as to whether or not they play the politically correct HR card. So when his sister-in-law’s department head asked the key question “would you rehire this person if you had the chance?” The answer was an emphatic HELL NO.

Those of us who live in NOVA can now breath a great sigh of relief. I would not be surprised of this idiot and the Troll end up working in the same medical facility at some point.

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be treated by either. You can thank me later.

School Days, Update Your Booster Days…..

As the end of summer gets closer and closer, the number of school physicals grows exponentially. I have been recruited more of late to restrain or assist in the wrangling of kids who are in need of immunizations in order to attend school. As well as those kids who happen to be due their next round of inoculations.

Not being a parent myself, I throw these scenarios out there to any parents who might peruse my site. I have narrowed down the kids receiving their shots into a few categories; let me know what you think:

Stoic – these are the kids who have the look of terror in their eyes but remain quite still and receive their booster with little to no fuss. Typically the stoic child’s parent is more of a wreck than the child.

Petrified – these are the kids whose parent is talking them off the ledge the entire time. These parents are more than capable of keeping the child still so that the rest of us can move things along as quickly as possible. The petrified child will most likely cry but will not otherwise deter the needle from hitting its target.

Inconsolable – these are the kids whose parents most likely had terrible memories of receiving shots themselves. Typically, before I get into the room to help, the child is planning his/her escape or bartering for anything but the needle. Ear piercing screams accompanied by much arm flailing and leg kicking. We haven’t even uncapped the needle yet. The parent of this child most definitely cannot circumvent the movement of their offspring. The parent is so stressed out by the child’s reaction to the impending doom that not only do they not comprehend the instructions on how to comfort the child while three of us are preparing for battle, they are just not able to participate.

In my humble opinion, the parent’s of the inconsolable children just shouldn’t be in the room during the shots. It really makes the whole process more difficult, especially for the child. In defense of these school aged children; I don’t remember having to receive more than one shot a time as a kid. I have been in the room where the child can receive up to four inoculations at once. Talk about being stressed out; you certainly cannot blame the kid for being scared. We do our best to make the process as painless as possible but when faced with a child who is screaming bloody murder before we even enter the room and a parent who goes limp with indecision, things can go south quickly.

These are my observations. For the record, my own Mom would threaten me with a visit to the doctor for a shot anytime I misbehaved. Obviously, that wasn’t the smartest thing she has ever done but I most likely deserved those threats and many more that she may have missed. However, I was the stoic type of child. That is of course after my Mom had to catch me and get me in the car for the visit to the doctor. Once in public, we were only allowed to be stoic.

"Supercalifragilisticexpiala-CRAZY"

A spoonful of tequila helps the medicine go down, yes indeed.

How do you know if you have thrown a successful cookout for your friends who also happen to be your co-workers? I'll tell you.

Have a theme, ours was "Tasty Tapas"
Liquor. A huge lot of it.
The right combination of guests, check!
Good weather. A little too humid for my taste but Tequila cures all.
Guests with magical epicurean powers. Who knew?
Your ancient grill holding up to the pressure, check check!
Spouses of guests who can dish it out as well as I could take it. Love those
spousal units.
Chocolate fondue with AMARETTO. Who cares if the chocolate was slightly lumpy.
Giggle fits while trying to explain what ramekins are to those who I previously
thought were gastronimists.

And the number one way to know you had a terrific tapas cookout, your guests attempt to clean your entire kitchen while you are still slurping a libation. SCORE!


(Title of this post lifted from one of the Project Runway contestants)

Free Spirits

The other day while at work, I was having a conversation with our receptionist. I was at the front desk chatting with her. The floor plan of our office is open, if anyone is engaging the receptionist everyone in the waiting is in on the conversation. Of course we are compliant with all HIPPA regulations, everyone calm down.

We were discussing whether or not Paris Hilton would stay with Stavros or move onto the next best prospect. The receptionist’s cell phone rang. Unbeknownst to her, the ring tone had recently been tampered with. The song that was playing was very upbeat and happy. Without any other provocation, she and I began jamming to the tune while continuing our discussion. It was not until the patient in the waiting room startling laughing that we realized we had an audience.

While we were trying to maintain a bit of decorum, the patient asked if the floor show would cost him any extra. That is my kind of patient. We told him that being a patient at our facility comes with many perks not to worry.

Don’t Cha Wish Your Auntie was a Freak like Me?

Little Mermaid called me at work today on her new Razr phone. A pink one, no less. She was so excited. She asked me to call her right back. When I asked her why she told me she wanted to make sure she had the correct ring tone set for me?

My 11 year old niece not only owns a pink Razr phone, she knows how to program it and the song she picked for her favorite Aunt’s ring tone? Don’t Cha.

THAT is my girl!!!!!

Shuffle, Shuffle, Step- Ball-Change

Working in a remote quiet corner of the office, I have developed the uncanny ability to know who is approaching by the sound of their gait. It’s a gift, what can I tell you.

We have the following:

ADD Stride: Very quick paces, determined to get from point A to B in the most expeditious way possible. Unfortunately this one cannot simply get the task done without sticking their nose into everyone’s business along the way.

Not a Care in the World Stride: Very deliberate even stride. Never waivers, ever.

The Shuffling Seasonal Stride: Very typical of someone who could care less about being here, just please let the clock tick 5 already. The gait is similar to a child who is dragging right before a tantrum erupts. You know, long shuffling steps. Just listening to it exhausts me.

Clickity-Clack of the Female Drug Reps: Hey did you know that Manolo Blahnik’s and Jimmy Choo’s make entirely different clickity clacks? Neither did I, nor did I care. But for those of you who need this type of information, you are most welcome.

Obviously, number crunching has numbed my brain. Although my sense of humor remains intact.

Rock the Kasbah

What do you do when your first attempt at putting together a big-ass canopy fails miserably? Well first you dig up the step by step directions and then you erect the sucker indoors.

A while ago, I had a brainstorm and decided to purchase a mammoth canopy for my deck so that I could enjoy the summer with some shade. My thought was that once I assembled the canopy, I would leave it out there until summer was over and then retire it until next season. Of course what I did not take into account was the fact that my Nazi Home Owners Association would probably frown on a 10 foot by 10 foot canopy residing on my deck for a few months.

So here is a picture of my ill-fated attempt at cool breezes on the Kasbah deck. On the plus side, it was bought on E-bay for way more than I ever paid.

Cha-ching!

Dear Neighborhood Squirrels:

Nothing soothes me more than sitting on my deck and watching you all perform acrobatic feats to obtain the seeds from the many bird feeders on my deck. It’s therapeutic.

I am writing today to lodge a complaint. I have painstakingly harvested four tomato plants on my deck this season. It was part of my self imposed therapy after my dog passed away. Without that project, I may not have even stepped out onto the deck all summer for that was where Dexter and I spent much quality time. I am giving you all these details because I do not appreciate you and your friends having a green tomato smorgasbord.

I was not amused to see the three of you perched on my deck rails each with a tomato. Listen to me; bird’s seed feast very good tomato fest not so much. This is your one and only warning to cease and desist. Let me enjoy my tomato harvest. Remember, it has more meaning than a bunch of vegetation.

I’ve got my eyes on you.

Happy Birthday Friend

There are numerous adages I can come up with to describe the importance of the family we choose for ourselves. Instead, I will share with you a poem that is very meaningful to me and wish my very good friend a very Happy Birthday. As always, HFS I wish you happiness on your birthday and ALL days.

"Portrait of a Friend"

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

Because senility has obviously set in on me prematurely, I have gotten confused. I know HFS' birthday is August 13th. However, I am addled and have no other excuse. Instead we will all call it the celebration of HFS' birthday weekend. In the meantime, I will scour our drug samples at work to see if I can find something to retard this decrepitude that has taken over my senses.

What Was He Thinking? Was He Thinking at All?

I have to say, to the marketing wizards employed by Geico Insurance you all are certainly an entertaining bunch. Obviously your commercials are working. You’ve got my attention. Will I change insurance carriers? Not likely. I’ll do you one better and discuss the embarrassment that is Burt Bacharach.

Burt! What were you thinking? Are you lacking in capital? Why else would you possibly take part in a commercial that makes you look like you are having an epileptic/idiot savant episode? Dude!

Let me fill in those of you who may have more of a life than myself and have not taken note of the lyrics that Mr. Bacharach is singing during the commercial:

“I was hit in the rear.”
“The lizard licks his eyeballs.”
“I hope I’ll never get hit in the rear.....again.”

Burt, for the love of all that is dignified, what’s with the bazaar trance like state? Perhaps you are hosed (pun intended? - you bet your ass!) to the max. I can’t think of any other way you agreed to such image debauchery. Surely you did not need this type of exposure.

These commercials are more suited to Charo and Little Richard. I don’t’ have nightmares after viewing their spots. Burt please, get some new people. These are dragging you so far down.

What I Learned Today

You are never too old to get your wings clipped.

Bummer!

Rubbish and the Elimination Thereof

My Mom and I had an interesting conversation recently. She was recanting different landmarks in her life as a married woman. She made a very interesting comment which stuck with me. She said your Father and I have had the sweetest life together but this getting old business sucks donkey balls. (She used her mother tongue to describe the amount of suckage so I thought it best to translate)

Right after I returned downstairs to continue the conversation with my Mom, I had to change my shirt due to the snorting of coffee through my nose, I asked her to expound. She waived her hand at me and simply said ask your Father about the trash situation. Intrigued, I found my Dad and we had the following discussion:

Wicked H: Dad, I’ve got the trash from the kitchen, which trash can do you want me to put it in ( our conversation was taking place in the garage where he has 2 strategically placed garbage cans and one recycling container none of which are being used for their normal purpose)?

Dad: Just drop the bag right there and I’ll take care of it.

Wicked: Dad, why can’t I just put it into the trash can right here?

Dad: I will take care of it, just drop the bag.

Wicked: No really, I am not trying to cause trouble, I am just curious as to what you will do with the trash once I drop it?

Dad: I triple bag it and take it to the dumpster at work.

Wicked: Don’t we have neighborhood trash removal services?

Dad: Yes.

Wicked: Are you still paying for those services?

Dad: Yes.

Wicked: Then why would you transport the trash in your car to the dumpster at work?

Dad: I don’t like the odor of rotting trash in the garage.

Wicked: Wouldn’t you get the same odor in your car while hauling the trash in your vehicle.

Dad: No! I triple bag it.

Wicked: Ok Dad, I still don’t get why you won’t let the garbage service remove the trash but you do what makes you happy.

Dad: That’s what I do.

I am still trying to wrap my head around the whole idea of my 81 year old Dad playing part time sanitation engineer while performing the duties of a psychiatrist. If he didn’t get so agitated during our little discussion, I was going to remind him that most work place dumpster owners frown upon having non-work related trash deposited in them but I decided to pick my battles.

I am pretty sure senility is rearing it’s ugly head but if it makes him happy and he doesn’t get arrested for depositing trash at the workplace dumpster, go for it Dad. I sure hope his patient’s don’t witness him doing this or I’d like to be a fly on the wall when they ask him what the heck he is doing.

If anyone out there has any ideas or can enlighten me, I would be most appreciative.

To Dupe Or Not to Dupe, THAT is the Real Question

A male friend of mine was buying a large bag of dog food and encountered the following while in the checkout line:

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
enthralled with my story, particularly the guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door

Dear Mother Nature:

Listen lady, I understand all about going through menopause but this is freaking ridiculous! I know we are warming the globe unnecessarily and we could do way better saving the planet. Point taken already.

I’ll make you a deal. If I can convince at least my whole row of neighbors to recycle responsibly, will you cut us some slack? It’s a start, you have to admit.

Think about it and get back to me.

I’ll be the one with my feet in a cooler filled with ice fanning myself constantly.

Love and kisses…oh forget it; it is way too damn hot to get near anyone!

I'd Still Pick Work, Way Better than the Alternative..

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

At Prison
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
At Work
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

At Prison
you get three meals a day fully paid for
At Work
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

At Prison
you get time off for good behavior
At Work
you get more work for good behavior

At Prison
the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
At Work
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

At Prison
you can watch TV and play games
At Work
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

At Prison
you get your own toilet
At Work
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

At Prison
they allow your family and friends to visit
At Work
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

At Prison
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
At Work
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

At Prison
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
At Work
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

At Prison
you must deal with sadistic wardens
At Work
they are called managers

Hip Kidz or Fashion Faux Pas?

Since when is wearing your old ratty pajama bottoms out in public the new black? Come on!

I am all for making your statement with fashion but that is simply crossing the line. To the tween who had perfectly manicured nails, beautifully coifed hair and sporting the latest Coach bag, I have to ask why would you wear the rattiest pair of Dora the Explorer pj bottoms to the Mall? Do you really want that kind of attention? I just cannot wrap my head around any tween male finding that look appealing.

Being a teenager is hard enough honey. Throw on a pair of conventional pants and live your life. Pajamas are meant to be worn in the confines of your own house. For the love of Michael Kors, promise to never do that again.

FBI Most Wanted Update

Well it seems my BIL was able to get past the Federales, twice. All those years of police training have paid off.

Happy to report their trip was uneventful in respect to being detained. However, I was told that a British couple was greeted in their Mexican Riviera Hotel by a snake. As the story was retold to me by my niece, complete with a spot on British accent. The couple reported it was quite disheartening and the Missus was unable to get a good night’s sleep after said incident.

Sorry Sis, we tried. Next time we will get him on a better list. Oops, did I just type that?

The Tie That Binds

Last night I had the extreme pleasure of meeting up with my globe trotting cousin and his new wife. Most of my family lives overseas. I did not have the luxury of growing up with cousins and Aunts and Uncles nearby and I did and do miss it.

My cousin and I are especially close which is difficult to attain considering we haven’t spent that much time together. He did spend 3 years in Maryland while earning his Masters but the rest of our time spent together was few and far between.

He’s been in the DC area for the past week. He is staying at the mansion while my sister is off in Mexico. He has had a whirlwind week between taking care of some business, introducing his wife to family and his many friends as well as being her tour guide. He called me yesterday and said he had a three hour window and that I was penciled in for dinner. I told him to meet me in Tyson’s and off I went.

You have to understand that I’d rather stick hot pokers in both eyes than to enter Tyson’s but this is the love I have for my cousin. A few cocktails, one bottle of wine, a fabulous dinner and three hours later we were saying our good byes. I welcomed the newest addition to my family and told her I thought he and she made a good pair. She told me that her husband was very distraught thinking that we all were not going to be able to have some time together and that she now understood why. Aw.

As I was walking back to my car, I wondered if we grew up together would our bind be as close. It doesn’t really matter. The tie that bonds is family and in our case physical distance is not an issue.

Good News and Bad News

Not exactly the words you want to hear when the car dealer returns to you after checking your credit history. However, in this case the story took a wild and strange turn.

My BIL, King of all new technology, went in to buy one of those new hybrid numbers. Once he decided which one he wanted, the requisite credit check was performed and the fun ensued. Here is a bit of the conversation between the salesman and my BIL:

Salesman: Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.
BIL: Okay. I can take it, what’s up.
Salesman: May I first look at your hands?
BIL: What?
Salesman: Work with me, may I see your hands?
BIL:(Displays both hands for the man)
Salesman: Thank you. The good news is that your credit is perfectly fine. The bad news is that your name showed up on the FBI’s top ten most wanted list.
BIL: Excuse me?
Salesman: I am relatively sure you are not the guy.
BIL: Why did you need to see my hands?
Salesman: The man on the list has tattoos all over his hands and he is 75 years old.

It turns out the wanted felon murdered a Police Chief in Pennsylvania over 15 years ago and one of his alias’ is my BIL’s name. The even weirder twist of this is that my BIL himself is a retired Police officer originally from Pennsylvania.

Being quite connected with the local and federal law officials; BIL got busy trying to figure out how to get his name off of this list. Countless phone calls and official letters of complaint to his Congressmen and Senator and to the head of Homeland Security finally gave a few more leads. This whole process took over a month and I am not quite sure if he got it all straightened out. BIL and the family are in Mexico on holiday right now so I know they made it into the country without hassle. Let’s hope they are able to leave Mexico without incident. My BIL is carrying an official letter stating he is not the man on the List but who knows how many of the A-listers also carry around “official” letters. I told him to get the letter written in Spanish as well just to be safe.

I always thought there was something shifty about you BIL. Here’s hoping the Federales don’t give you are hard time.

Hypocrite or Just Hungry?

Ok Internet, I have a confession to make.

I confess to partaking in the Drug Rep luncheons that are bestowed upon us at work. I know, I know. I am the same person who prophesizes to any Drug Rep who will listen, that I would gladly give up the luncheons if the drug companies would use their luncheon budget towards making all of our prescriptions more affordable.

I ask you. If you were faced with gourmet sandwiches and an Asian chicken salad to die for, would you not give in to temptation? I did and do on a regular basis. Well, as regular as the luncheons.

Mea maxima culpa.

Dear Neighbor:

First let me inquire as to your health status? I am sure it was something pretty serious for an ambulance to pull up at 4am. I am going to guess that it all worked out well because the ambulance left without you. Please get well soon.

Now if I could ask a huge favor. If at all possible, please try not to call the ambulance until at least 5:30 am during this week because I am sure that my next door neighbor did not appreciate my furry nephew barking up a storm at 4 am. I didn’t much appreciate it either but once I saw the ambulance while I was walking Google soon after the cacophony, I completely understood.

Feel better.

Hug and Kisses….

Care Package

I just spent the past thirty minutes receiving detailed care instructions for my impending house guest.

I was asked if I would be careless and just open the door and let him run away. I was told how he likes to have treats rolled into old socks so that as he unwraps each sock, he is rewarded with a morsel. A litany of information relayed to me by my niece via my sister. The house guest hasn’t even arrived yet. I am sure that the list of duties will be reviewed and expanded once my brother-in-law brings my furry nephew.

That’s right friends. I have the great pleasure of hanging with my furry nephew for the next week while his family jets off to Mexico. It has taken me this long to even want to pet a dog since mine died, so I am really looking forward to this adventure.

May I introduce to you Google the wonder pup? Stayed tuned for updates of the visit.



Update: The neighborhood has greeted Google very well. He did get a reprimand from one the of the neighborhood dog owners however. Before approaching said owner, they were warned of Google's propensity for jumping up to greet new people. The owner told me that it was clear that Google has not been trained. As Google and I continued on our walk, I pointed out that at least we are following the county's leash laws. Whatever, always a curmudgeon in the crowd.

DING DONG…The TROLL IS GONE!!!!!

I can see clearly now, the Troll is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone is the Furball that kept me down
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the Troll is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.

Be Careful What You Ask, You May Not Like the Answer

I ran a quick errand yesterday.

I was in search of three items. A cheap DVD player for the bedroom, paper towels and double A batteries. My scavenger hunt was successful and quick. Since I was in a store that sold in bulk quantities, I was able to procure more than enough batteries and paper towels to last at least 6 months.

I threw my purchases on the self check out conveyor belt and began tallying up the damage, patiently waiting for the computer to tell me what to do next. As a sign of good customer service, there are always attendants hovering around the self check out aisles ready to assist if needed. I was not in need of assistance however the male attendant decided to make a comment regarding my purchase.

Our exchange follows:

Bulk Store Attendant (BSA): Interesting grouping of items.

Wicked: Really? How so?

BSA: What do you need all these batteries for? (His question ends with a sneer)

Wicked: What do you think I need them for?

BSA: I asked first.

Wicked: Indeed. They are for Bob. He’s been getting a good workout lately.

BSA: (His face the deepest shade of red) Oh…um…it’s really none of my business…

Wicked: You asked and I answered, have a great day.

There are valid reasons I do not enjoy shopping; however this particular encounter was entertaining.

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

T.G.I.F. Start your weekend with this chuckle......enjoy!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted
him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to
cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

Be Afraid, VERY Afraid

Conversation between myself and my Shred It™ guy:

Wicked: Can you shred people in that thing?

SIG: If you can make them fit, no problem.

The scariest thing about his comment is that he did not have to think about it, the reply was lightening fast.

Note to self, DO NOT piss of the Shred It™ guy!

For the Love of Fitness

Lady if you must jog on a very narrow winding road which is the road much traveled by morning commuters, then I really cannot feel sorry for you when you bounce off the Hummer’s fender.

I have no idea what her condition is but for the last 7 work days this female jogger insists on taking her life into her own hands by jogging on a road that she has no reason inhabiting. Northern Virginia has more bike/walking paths per square inch than any other state. In fact, a mere 25 yards from her jogging route is a very scenic path for her to jog on safely.

Don’t get me wrong; if you want to exercise go for it. However, must you endanger your life and mine while doing so? I hope she’ll be fine and perhaps she will have learned her lesson. Use the effin path.

What a Difference One Year Makes

Saturday was Little Mermaid’s eleventh birthday. I know! I can’t quite wrap my head around it either. It seems like yesterday that I was speeding up Route 85 from NC during a terrible lightening storm on my way up to Maryland to meet my new niece and hope that my sister was going to make it through the delivery. She had last minute dangerous complications.

Last year I did not get to celebrate my niece’s birthday on the exact day because she is such the globe trotter. This year, due to the incredible level of her maturity, it was arranged so that she could have the close friend’s party on the actual day and then the dreaded family birthday the following day.

You want to know what was so very amazing. The family get together was neither dreaded nor full of tension. I am pretty sure that the addition of Little Mermaid has somehow made our family unit extremely cohesive instead of competitive. I cannot ever remember a gathering where ALL of us were snorting in laughter remembering old times and making new memories. Phenomenal!

Thanks Mermaid for being born and enriching our lives in a way only you can. Also stop growing up so darn fast because it’s making me feel old. We really have to come up with a new nickname for you because Little Mermaid no longer applies.

Sigh….

Dear Fellow Patron:

Although I am quite sure many techno-geeks would be so very impressed, kindly refrain from entering the restaurant with your blackberry/PDA gadget hanging around your neck. Its bad enough you had your ever so tacky Bluetooth attached to your ear.

Are you so important that you cannot have a meal in peace? Your group seemed highly annoyed each time you detached the gadget from your neck to send off an e-mail/text. Whatever, I certainly was under whelmed.

What did make me choke on my martini was the fact that your PDA rested quite nicely on your pasta primavera. Even better, the Rorschach blot of tomato sauce left on your Izod polo shirt.

Thanks for the entertainment!

Ebonic Hurricanes

If this doesn't just beat all.........

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be DEMOCRAT Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African American Culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now:

"Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Dat bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head of de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit......."

T.G.I.F.

It has felt like a whole week of Mondays. Between the monsoons and then the aftermath, I think we are all in need of a weekend.

To those of you, who have the 4 day weekend, enjoy! Remember if its mayonnaise based and it’s been sitting around for a while, just move to the next dish.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Helpful Hints from Wicked H

If I ask you if you’d like to try some of the pomegranate flavored iced tea, the sufficient answer would be either yes or no. Breaking into a forty minute diatribe about how you stole pomegranates from your neighbor’s tree as a child will only cause me to walk away.

Similarly, if I walk into the conference room at 0 dark 30 and announce that I am still sleep walking, do not tell me how your 2 hour commute went today. I could honestly care less that each time you drive past mile marker 43 you see the same Avalon and isn’t that just amazing. Guess what? I am sleep walking. Don’t act all surprised when I quietly walk away, then you follow me into my office and then wonder why I shut the door while you were still TALKING.

Also, if someone shares a funny anecdote there is really no reason to try and come up with a better scenario. Take it for what it is, be polite and let us all please move on.

For the love of common courtesy, get a clue, buy a vowel…SOMETHING!

Trickle Down Theory

Those of you who know me are aware that I am not a sugar coat the situation type of gal. If I have something to say, depending upon the urgency of the situation, I will spell it out precisely. I have no time for the let’s beat around the bush and hope the parties involved will get it eventually tactic. Similarly, if I need the point to be taken I can be caustic. I don’t typically use the caustic approach but when I do, it’s just not pretty. There, in public, I admit that I have flaws. We all have them, not all of us will admit them.

Which brings me to something that happened recently which has been blown completely out of proportion by the receiving party. I won’t get into specifics. I will share that what I said was in my typical here is the problem and let’s please fix it promptly fashion. What ensued is hilarious. A melt down of epic dimensions; a full blown hissy fit.

To which I say, grow up. If you can’t stand the heat, admit you made a minor mistake which I pointed out to only the parties involved, get the hell out of the kitchen. Life is too damn short. Note to hissy fitter, thanks for pointing out the exact button I now will gladly push if driven to that point.

Have a nice day!

Oxymoron or Sheer Brilliance

"Down to earth hypocrite"

Discuss.....

Middle Age Fitness Quest

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to update some equipment and workout tapes and start exercising. I decided to start with an aerobics class for folks my age. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Tomorrow, pilates!

Best Bumper Sticker

On my way into work today, I was waiting in a turn lane behind an older vehicle with this bumper sticker on its rear:

Visualize Using Your Turn Signals

I actually snorted coffee through my nose. What makes this that much funnier is that she was neither visualizing nor using her turn signals.

Go figure!

Technology and the Elderly Parent

On Father’s Day, my Dad asked me to help with his printer. The previous time I visited, his printer had run out of ink and he inquired as to what he needed to do in order to rectify the situation. Knowing that he is technologically challenged AND he likes to handle things in person, I advised him to remove the ink cartridge and take it to the store and find the replacement.

He accomplished the task and was also able to replace the ink cartridge to its rightful place. Unfortunately, the printer still would not print. I took the cartridges out and remove the protective film from the cartridge, clicked it into place and away went the printer. 234 documents in queue to print. That is the number of times my Dad hit the printing icon after replacing the cartridge. I guess he thought he wasn’t clicking the mouse hard enough.

I went in and cancelled the print jobs. He was ecstatic. He asked me how I did that and then began the mini lecture on how to cancel the print job and print a test page after changing the ink cartridge. Six and a half hand written pages of notes later, Dad was satisfied that he could manage this the next time.

Of course it is worth mentioning that the first time my parents tried to leave their out going message on their answering machine, it went something like this:

Dad: (Beep) Ok, the machine is blinking, what…wait…turn to the page in the manual so I can see if (Beep)

This was the outgoing message until I was asked to change it without witnesses. He doesn’t like to admit to the whole family that he can’t do everything. Maybe I am the only daughter that won’t throw it up in his face at a later date.

Zing!

Actual conversation between dictator supervisor and pion.

Sup: Oh, you are dressed up today. That’s rare.

Pion: (smirk)

Sup: Do you really have a doctor’s appointment or might you be going on a job interview?

Pion: Which answer will help you sleep better at night?

Sup: .........

Pion: (satisfied with temporarily stunning the dictator) See you in an hour.

You Can Blog But You Cannot Hide

Interesting tidbit to follow soon which was presented to me in the following way:

Scene: Carraba’s for late lunch/early dinner.
Purpose: Father’s Day celebration.

B-I-L: Hey Wicked, I have a story for your blog.

My Mom: (81 and thankfully a bit hard of hearing) He has a story for your dog? Doesn’t he know Dexter is dead?

Wicked: (After shooting a glare at B-I-L; my blog is anonymous to my parents) No, Mom. He has a story about a frog.

My Father: (Also 81 and complaining of water in both ears) How did he fall off of a log?

No wonder I had 3 watermelon vodka splash thingies……

Brides To Be, Upside Down Pineapple Cake Shooters and Troy....Oh My!

Last night I dined with six of the most diverse women one would imagine congregating together. I am one lucky lady to have these core women to hang out with and most times we don’t even need an occasion.

We were gathered last night to send off one of our group into the land of matrimony. Another one bites the dust, sucker! Oh, ahem, I mean wishing you nothing but Happily Ever After. (I have some ocean front property up for sale located in downtown AZ. Shoot me an e-mail if you are interested)

Right, so where was I? I am a bit fuzzy this morning as I was introduced to my newest favorite thing on the planet, pineapple upside down cake shooters. Friends, if you have not had the pleasure I highly suggest you run right out at lunch and throw a couple of these puppies back. Yum!

Any of you worried that any ounce of alcohol went to waste? I am happily groggy to report that my partner in adventure type crimes and I made absolutely sure that any unattended glasses of champagne were imbibed. We had no trouble sharing every last drop.

I believe at some point in the evening I announced to the group that Troy, our 24 year old single server, and I would be getting married next week. He didn’t seem to mind and probably a third of our group believed me. (I also have prime swamp land in FL, let me know) As I mentioned before, we generally don’t need an excuse to assemble but I was really enjoying the attention the Bride was getting. So if you all aren’t busy next Wednesday night, come one come all.

Dear Late Evening Doorbell Ringer:

Get a clue!

If I did not respond to the first ring of the doorbell at 9 pm, continually knocking and ringing was not going to get you a reply either. I was not expecting anyone at that hour nor had I ordered take out. Nothing could have been that important. I don’t know who you are but I highly suggest you not repeat this exercise EVER.

Next time I will play the “girl” card and call the police and let them know I am being harassed. If you are someone I know, pick up the phone and let me know what you want.

Hugs and kisses – Wicked H

Women in Awful Flowered Pants and a Male Blow up Doll

Good times! H & D’s wild adventure part deux took place Saturday night. Everyone should have a “D” as a friend, she is the best adventure partner and she picks the best wines.

Our meal was a fusion cuisine this time and quite delicious. As always the company was great. Much imbibing took place which made the evening even more fun and chocolate martinis for dessert. I am not much of a chocolate fan but mix it with alcohol and I am one happy camper.

On our way out of the restaurant we were blinded by two women who were wearing botanical gardens on their capris. Um, ladies….NO. Please do not repeat this faux pas EVER. Also sighted was a gaggle of young ladies one of which was carrying a blow up male doll. Alrighty then! D confirmed the sighting and assured me that she did not see any lewd orifices on the doll. Well, what’s the point then? I mean really.

Actually, I am happy she also saw the doll because for a moment I thought I may have been hallucinating. Perhaps I was still distracted by the efflorescent capris.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsors.....

"Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill"

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.
Have combined to market the new Mint flavored
birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....




"Pre-dick-a-mints."

I Am Not a Pilot

However, I am very aware of restricted air space in this area. Can someone explain to me how it is that these pilots don’t know they have crossed over into restricted areas? Don’t these people have a radio on in the air craft at all times? Seems to me if you keep the lines of communication open, they would not have to send the big guns after these private pilots.

Someone, anyone? Beuller?

Trend Setters

Since moving into my new office location I have started walking during my lunch break. One of my co-workers joins me and it’s usually a laugh or whine fest the entire trek. Before today we had the route all to ourselves. Today we have at least 10 others also trying to stay/get healthy during lunch.

Of course I am willing to bet the new walkers are not inclined to save lives like we have had to do. Yes friends, we have rescued fellow walkers who have been injured in the line of duty. We are simply that considerate. We also have walking attire as we do not want to stink up the work place after our jaunts.

Words to the new group of walkers, kindly take the single file approach when passing us. We do the same. These are the rules. If you don’t like them, walk elsewhere.

It's an Exhibition. Please No Wagering

I have found a job for the stupid people who have irritated me this week, they can fill the role of Judge #3

(I am sure you've seen this before but it made me snort out loud. Just what the proverbial doctor ordered)


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Have Used This Mantra Before…

The situation deems its repetition necessary.

(Please sing along to the tune of “Camptown Races”)

Stupid people piss me off
Doo-da Doo-da
Yes indeed they piss me off
Oh, de doo-da day

Rinse, lather and repeat

Lessons Learned the Hard Way…

Sparkler lit inside the house while all the adults are on the deck enjoying the cookout – BAD! Thankfully, fear set in without panic and the half lit sparkler was doused in a basin filled with dirty dish water. Even better, the adult who found it later did not make a big deal about it. We did review sparkler safety tips before we lit them together on the deck later.

This being a good aunt stuff is hard work!

For You, Just In Case the Family Cookout is a Bust

A great and addicting suckage of time.

http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

Enjoy and have a safe and happy weekend!

Safe House

Just now, an eight year old patient sought refuge under my expansive desk. His goal was to avoid the mean nurse who was coming at him with a shot.

Begin hostage negotiations.

The nurse saw his legs under my desk but we signaled each other for some bargaining time. The patient begged me not to give him up to the needle. I told him that I would never do that but I also explained that the nurse would eventually find him.

Instead of letting him go through his anxiety attack, we talked about anything and everything. I told him how when I was his age, I was also afraid of the needles. Being afraid was ok, it’s part of life even as a grown up. I was trying to be as reassuring as possible while he was quivering under my desk. I told him we had a cream that we could use on his skin that would numb the injection site so that the shot wouldn’t be as painful. He wasn’t budging. I told him it would be only as bad as a bee sting. He told me he was allergic to bees.

Dammit!

By now, his mom was right outside my door. I signaled to her that it was okay for him to hang out here as long as he needed. She has another child with her so she tended to her needs. I told him that he would most likely get some type of treat after his shot. I glanced at the Mom who was shaking her head affirmatively. He asked me what kind of treat? I told him of the choice of stickers and lollipops we offered here. I also assured him that a trip to his favorite fast food place was in order. Luckily, Mom was still agreeing with all my suggestions.

The crisis ended after we decided he would grab three stickers and two lollipops followed by a trip to McHappy Land.

As he was leaving he stuck his head back into my office and showed me the stickers he chose and he was already sucking on lollipop #1.

H & D’s Excellent Adventure

What do you do after watching the Preakness and have your heart broken all over again after watching the Triple Crown hopeful break his leg in three places? You grab the local phone book, turn to the exotic restaurant section, and close your eyes and point. Bingo, that is how D and I decided where to have our post Preakness heartache dinner.

You see D’s husband is not adventurous when it comes to foreign cuisine. We have decided to make use of the time he is globe trotting to experience the vast array of epicurean culture in our area. Armed with our map quest directions, we were on our way. One bottle of wine a basket of assorted delectable bread and 2 tandoori dishes later, we were happy campers.

Can’t wait for the next adventure. It was just what I needed to get back to my old self.

My thoughts are with Barbaro. I hope he can recover.

Brief Hiatus

Between the loss of Dexter and all that is going on at work, I just don’t have it in me.

Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll be back soon.

Need a Husband? Get Thee to the Store!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have
Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love
Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With
Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wife Store just
across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Aren't men so predictable!

Just Step Off, BITCH!

Whew. That was cathartic.

Feeling much better now.



Enjoy the weekend all. Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms.

The New Math

Not sure where I found this, but it was interesting. Little Mermaid, this is for you and your parents to think about while laboring over homework. Hang in there, school is almost over!


Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonald's for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the Manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
Is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
Of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera por $100.
El cuesto de la produccion es $80. Cuantas tortillas se puede
comprar?

What in the World?

America, are you collectively on crack?

Why? Why is Chris Daughtrey no longer on American Idol? McPhever made so many McErrors, how could you pass her through?

Unbelievable. I am disappointed in all of you!

Dear Merrifield Postal Worker:

Why did you choose to go postal Saturday morning while I and thousands of others were trying to successfully navigate the Capital Beltway? Do you not understand that you can’t play around with bomb threats? I sure hope whatever caused you to shut down the entire beltway for 2 hours was worth it.

Thanks to you, I now know the exact capacity of my bladder after ingesting 2 cups of coffee. One and a half hour ride good. Two hours of being parked on the Beltway, followed by two more hours of navigating the trip on side roads, not so good. A special shout out to the CVS manager in Silver Spring who took pity on me and let me into the employee bathroom after his clerk refused to let me use it. I believe my exasperated look and begging to take a Depends from the box and then purchase it, sealed the deal.

Heartfelt Thanks

In mourning, sea fog
Makes small things visible.
Pearls cling to petals.
Pine needles are fringed with glass.
The sea breaks against rocks.
Heaving back, it breaks again.
What does the wild rose know of its beauty?
Have you any idea what you've given me?

I cannot express how much all of your kind words, comments and e-mails have helped me cope these past few days. I know time heals all wounds. I wish I could predict how long all this will take. Unfortunately I cannot. So if you bear with me, I will take it one day at a time. That’s the best I can do.

A special thank you to Joe and Dave; these two have given me more love and comfort than I could have wished for. It was definitely what I needed, Thank you gentlemen.

Good Bye Sweet Prince....

R.I.P. Dexter

My heart is breaking. We will see each other again one day.

I love you and miss you terribly.

Officially in the Weeds

It's been a week and a half. As usual I will use humor to get me through this day. Enjoy and have a great weekend!

There was a young lady who was totally exhausted from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time for her to end her work day and go home.

As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant, "T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of going home and relaxing the weekend away.

It so happened that there was a man on the elevator with her and heard her jubilant exclamation.

His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T."

Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man correctly and she was determined not to let this man ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her, so again she stated more strongly, "T-G-I-F!" and glared at the man, daring him to repeat his obscenity.

The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T."

This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F...

'Thank Goodness it's Friday.' What is wrong with you!?"

The man was amused at her outrage and with a smirk on his face replied,
"S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... its THURSDAY!"

And with that walked off the elevator with a spunky step.

Public Nuisance

Last night’s dismissal of Pickler reminded me of a story that occurred while I was living near her neighborhood, low many years ago.

I had been living in NC for about a year when I returned up here to visit with old friends. We were at a movie theater watching a flick. For the life of me I cannot remember which movie we were attending.

Our movie chatter went something like this:
Friend: Do you think you can come up for the housewarming party.
Wicked: I don’t know, I might could.
Friend: What did you just say?
Wicked: …..
Friend: WHAT THE HELL IS MIGHT COULD? YOU EITHER MIGHT OR YOU CAN, YOU CANNOT MIGHT COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wicked: In NC you can!

Right after that stellar come back, we both got kicked out of the theater for disturbing the other patrons.

From that point on, while I resided in NC, my friend would refer to me as Daisy Duke.

Dear Chain Smoker:

How very odd, in so many way.

First of all, what made you choose our parking lot an obvious place of healing to enact your morning routine? The first time I noticed you out there, I figured you were either lost or early for an appointment and you decided to smoke one before you found your way. However, it has become a habit for you. You park right in front of our conference room picture window where we are sharing our morning chatter. I didn’t even have to point out your activities, they are so distracting, and the whole office enjoyed the spectacle.

Exit your vehicle. Light one up. Puff and spit. Puff and spit. Reach the end of your first cigarette and reach into the passenger side of your running vehicle, grab another one and use the stub to light the new one. Puff and spit. Puff and spit. Rinse, lather repeat. Enter your vehicle, pull out of our parking lot and turn not 100 yards into your parking lot.

Now, I know the spitting thing is definitely a man's thing. How on earth did you master the skill? How very lady like. NOT. Why don’t you simply smoke in front of your own office building? Are you trying to hide your nicotine addiction? Do you return for each smoke break? If not, how do you get through the day?

We have decided to look out for you throughout the day. We are that concerned for your well being. We may even leave nicotine patches or gum out there where you usually park. If nothing else, we’d be happy to take care of your health once the cigarettes erode it.

Hugs and Kisses….

Freedom to Gather and Pray

There was a big to do in DC this weekend. It seems that members of several churches feel that their right to pray is being infringed upon. You see for years, the city has allowed them to Double Park in order to attend their services. It seems that now residents who are being blocked in have asked the authorities to enforce the rules.

I don’t understand why the church goers are so upset. The right afforded to us by the constitution is freedom to gather and pray. Not freedom to break the law by double parking which infringes on your neighbors right to come and go freely. If your place of worship has limited parking, make arrangements to get their in plenty of time to attend the full service.

What happened to do unto your neighbor as you would have them do unto you?

The Adventures of Cruiser

Yesterday, while walking my dog, I heard a cat meowing in the distance. My neighborhood is relatively quiet around the time I return from work. I didn’t pay much attention to the sound until I got closer. As we rounded the corner it was apparent that the sound was a cry for help. The frequency of the meows increased. I couldn’t see where the cat was until I saw his owner desparately pushing a tree back and forth. About 100 feet up in the tree perched Cruiser the cat. As we got closer I could see that the poor fellow was stuck in the tree.

Cruiser’s owner asked to borrow my elderly dog. I asked him what he thought Dexter could do. He replied that he wasn’t sure but that he was frantic at that point. I have never been a cat person, mainly because I am allergic, but I didn’t understand how placing a large dog at the base of the tree was going to lure the cat back down. I suggested maybe putting a bowl of food or treats at the base and perhaps Cruiser would eventually come down. His owner shrugged and continued to shake the tree.

As we continued our walk, I could still hear Cruiser meowing. It was a sight because at the far end of the neighborhood you could see Cruiser meowing in perfect time to the tree movement. It reminded me of a metronome.

I am happy to report that during this morning’s walk, Cruiser was no longer in the tree. Crisis averted!

Dilemma

Is there a nice way to let a co-worker know that the stories she repeats ad nauseam have gotten old? I am all for polite chatter at 6: 30 in the morning but could we at least talk about current events?

Let me preface this by letting you know that she has nothing but good intentions and is one of the nicest people on the planet. Seriously. This explains the slight pang of guilt I am feeling while typing.

Here are the topics that should be off limits from now on:

Because she doesn’t want to feel sleepy while commuting, she purposely keeps the heat off in her vehicle.

She feels that the company we work for should really adjust their hours of operation because she lives in East Jesus and drives over an hour to get to work.

Anything relating to or involving the word deer. You had a bad accident over 2 years ago, please move on.

Traffic related items that only relate to the area in and around East Jesus, you chose to move out there why must we suffer?

We had a bit of a change up this morning. We just finished discussing where I get my hair done because her son is getting married in May and she really feels like she should try to cover her gray but doesn’t know if it’s worth the expense but she wants to look nice but she should probably get it done soon because what if it doesn’t look good and she would be mortified and her husband doesn’t want her to change…………………….

Hey, at least she didn’t grab my hair.

PC Awareness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. it’s not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

Living Will

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, a wife and her husband were discussing life and death. He told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out
all of his beer.

Be careful what you wish for…..

Strange and Wonderful Coincidence

Today is my parent's 81st birthday. You read it correctly, both parents. Same birth dates: same day, month and year. Mom is an hour and a half older. They were obviously destined to be together. My sister's and I could not ask for a better pair of parental units.

Please join me in wishing my folks many more, healthy happy years.

Happy Birthday Mom & Dad!

Friend or Foe, State Your Business

I attract oddities. I wish I had the imagination to make some of this stuff up.

Last night, after leaving my hair appointment, I stopped by the store to quickly pick up a few items and then head home. I was in a bit of a hurry as my dog probably had all four of his legs crossed.

Shopping does not bring out my best. I don’t enjoy it. It is definitely not a social activity for me; more of a task. I was waiting on line to pay for my purchases when a woman, a stranger to me, walked up to me put both hands on my hair and asked where I got my hair done. I found it to be a bit odd. If I am admiring another woman’s hair style, I usually tell her it looks nice and then ask where she goes. I have yet to accost someone I don’t know by grabbing their hair. I handed her my stylist’s business card and started putting my items on the conveyor belt. She began telling me her hair woes.

Thankfully my items were paid for and bagged in record time. As I walked away, I wished my cashier and the woman a Happy Easter. The woman was now telling the cashier all about the issues with her hair.

Hope the Easter Bunny is good to you all!

Why Parents Drink...

Due to high work volumes, I leave you with another oldie but goodie...Enjoy!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not bothered to phone in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter,"answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......."ME!"

I Blame Michael Nesmith’s Mom

Co-Worker: "Why don’t you have any white out?"

Wicked: "Because I never make mistakes."

Since then, I have made on average 2 per day, requiring me to purchase the white elixir.

Curses!

Incessant Chatterer

I try to make my mani/pedi experience as zen like as possible. I purposely choose to be the first appointment on a Sunday as most others have ethereal obligations during that time. So far my choice has been sound. I am not a high maintenance woman but I try not to miss the opportunity to make my extremities look nice. It makes me feel good, one of a few vices.

With my massage chair set to a gentle hum, I usually close my eyes and enjoy the attention being given to my feet. This morning I was jarred out of my meditative state by the other client at the nail salon. She was justifying her egregious error of visiting another facility.

You see two weeks ago, she came to this salon without an appointment and found that it was far too busy for her to wait. She went on her way and decided to go shopping with the notion of returning within thirty minutes. One thing lead to another and she did not return and the following day went to another salon. She was quite unsatisfied with the service performed there and was happy to tell everyone within ear shot.

This conversation was repeated at least five times. After the first time, I did not care why she went elsewhere neither did her nail tech, mine nor the other two employees present. I am telling you this woman, who was as friendly and pleasant as can be, would not shut up. She was perfectly happy babbling to no one in particular. I honestly believe that she was talking simply to hear her own voice. I know that she works in the finance department of a car dealership, she is the proud grandmother to one with another on the way, she has three children one of which is still not married, an owner of two springer spaniels who get let out of their crates by a neighbor who is paid $40 per week, she used to play baseball and that is why her feet are so ugly ( her description not mine)and her pansies are quite happy with Saturday’s rain. And on and on and on. None of this information was asked for, it just came and came and came.

When she was finally done, she vowed to the shop and it’s inhabitants that she will return faithfully every Sunday morning from here on out.

Oh joy!

When the Moon is in the Seventh House

I am not sure what is happening. Perhaps aliens have invaded and taken over the life forms of my entire family. For the past few days we have been communicating via e-mail. The subject is the upcoming birthday celebration of our parents. Usually there are accusations of one party being left out or another party not participating yet trying to take credit. This time we have cooperation. Unbelievable!

This has to be the first time on record that as a group we are lobbing suggestions and not a single participant is putting the kibosh on any of it. Could my parents’ wishes and dreams have come true? Is it possible that their three adult children and their 2 son-in-laws can coexist in harmony?

Stranger things have happened.

Trouble Shooting Phone Technicians

Is it too much to ask for the help desk trouble shooting techie to have a good grasp of the English language? Seems counter productive if I have to spell out the words “family” and ‘practice” to the person I am depending on to get me back online.

Perhaps I am too demanding.

Lady Terps

National Champs! So very proud of my alma mater.

Always fear the Turtles!

Oldie But a Goodie

Lowered inspiration levels lead me to old jokes. Pun entirely intended.

Enjoy!

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench seat one morning. The 87 year
old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his
friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so
much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat
Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the
counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any Italian bread?" she said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" he said, "
Yes, I want 5 loaves." she said, "my goodness, 5
loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard?'
He replied, "Holy Shit, everybody in the world knows
about this Italian bread thing but me

Dear Neighborhood Woodpecker:

I love Spring. Love it! I look forward to hearing the birds chirping and the pollen flying while things are blooming. Armed with my Zyrtec, this is my absolute favorite time of year.

What I do not love, however, is your seeking out unnatural sources with which to hone your pecking skills. Trees, good. Aluminum siding at 5 am on the weekends, not so good. In fact just stop now. Hop back onto your choice of trees and do what you naturally do on a tree.

Consider yourself warned woodpecker. I am not beyond purchasing a gun and using you as target practice the next time I awaken to the sound of jack hammering on my siding.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked H

Director’s Hall

Recently, Pet Whisperer and I went to the movies. We have a deluxe theater complex nearby which gives you the option of paying a couple of dollars extra for the ability of hand picking the seat in the theater. I am usually not that picky when it comes to where I sit in a movie theater but as luck would have it, the movie we wanted to see was being played in the Director’s Hall. So be it. We purchased our tickets, picked our seats and proceeded to our theater.

Apparently there are several perks to viewing the film in the Director’s Hall:

• the tickets are presented to you in a special envelope which also contains wet naps
• the seats that are malfunctioning have caution tape around them
• you get a personal greeting in the form of a lecture from one of the staff

I am not sure why it was necessary to place our tickets into a protective envelope when in exactly ten steps we were required to remove them and hand them to the usher. I am going to venture a guess and state that if you have the extra two bucks to view the movie, the wet nap should be considered a luxury. Apparently the common folk must use napkins. I liked the idea of the caution tape for malfunctioning seats. However, the computer at the box office was not coordinated to reflect the malfunction causing serious anxiety for a couple of patrons who hand picked the broken seats. I did offer my wet nap in condolence but the patron was not appeased. Our lecture consisted of a very informative discussion as to the history of the theater and the function of the arm rests and all the benefits of being seated amongst the privileged.

It is of note that the rest of the theaters in this complex of 14 have the exact seating arrangements and functional arm rests, etc. The only difference is that you don’t receive your tickets in a protective envelope, no wet naps and no useless lecture from a middle aged theater usher who boasts of his recent theater sabbatical.

Power Plays

In my opinion, they should be reserved for the hockey rink.

If you will excuse me, I am off to purchase a stick. I see much checking in my future.