Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Have Used This Mantra Before…

The situation deems its repetition necessary.

(Please sing along to the tune of “Camptown Races”)

Stupid people piss me off
Doo-da Doo-da
Yes indeed they piss me off
Oh, de doo-da day

Rinse, lather and repeat

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Lessons Learned the Hard Way…

Sparkler lit inside the house while all the adults are on the deck enjoying the cookout – BAD! Thankfully, fear set in without panic and the half lit sparkler was doused in a basin filled with dirty dish water. Even better, the adult who found it later did not make a big deal about it. We did review sparkler safety tips before we lit them together on the deck later.

This being a good aunt stuff is hard work!

Friday, May 26, 2006

For You, Just In Case the Family Cookout is a Bust

A great and addicting suckage of time.

Enjoy and have a safe and happy weekend!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Safe House

Just now, an eight year old patient sought refuge under my expansive desk. His goal was to avoid the mean nurse who was coming at him with a shot.

Begin hostage negotiations.

The nurse saw his legs under my desk but we signaled each other for some bargaining time. The patient begged me not to give him up to the needle. I told him that I would never do that but I also explained that the nurse would eventually find him.

Instead of letting him go through his anxiety attack, we talked about anything and everything. I told him how when I was his age, I was also afraid of the needles. Being afraid was ok, it’s part of life even as a grown up. I was trying to be as reassuring as possible while he was quivering under my desk. I told him we had a cream that we could use on his skin that would numb the injection site so that the shot wouldn’t be as painful. He wasn’t budging. I told him it would be only as bad as a bee sting. He told me he was allergic to bees.


By now, his mom was right outside my door. I signaled to her that it was okay for him to hang out here as long as he needed. She has another child with her so she tended to her needs. I told him that he would most likely get some type of treat after his shot. I glanced at the Mom who was shaking her head affirmatively. He asked me what kind of treat? I told him of the choice of stickers and lollipops we offered here. I also assured him that a trip to his favorite fast food place was in order. Luckily, Mom was still agreeing with all my suggestions.

The crisis ended after we decided he would grab three stickers and two lollipops followed by a trip to McHappy Land.

As he was leaving he stuck his head back into my office and showed me the stickers he chose and he was already sucking on lollipop #1.

Monday, May 22, 2006

H & D’s Excellent Adventure

What do you do after watching the Preakness and have your heart broken all over again after watching the Triple Crown hopeful break his leg in three places? You grab the local phone book, turn to the exotic restaurant section, and close your eyes and point. Bingo, that is how D and I decided where to have our post Preakness heartache dinner.

You see D’s husband is not adventurous when it comes to foreign cuisine. We have decided to make use of the time he is globe trotting to experience the vast array of epicurean culture in our area. Armed with our map quest directions, we were on our way. One bottle of wine a basket of assorted delectable bread and 2 tandoori dishes later, we were happy campers.

Can’t wait for the next adventure. It was just what I needed to get back to my old self.

My thoughts are with Barbaro. I hope he can recover.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Brief Hiatus

Between the loss of Dexter and all that is going on at work, I just don’t have it in me.

Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll be back soon.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Need a Husband? Get Thee to the Store!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wife Store just
across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Aren't men so predictable!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Just Step Off, BITCH!

Whew. That was cathartic.

Feeling much better now.

Enjoy the weekend all. Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The New Math

Not sure where I found this, but it was interesting. Little Mermaid, this is for you and your parents to think about while laboring over homework. Hang in there, school is almost over!

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonald's for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the Manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
Is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
Of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera por $100.
El cuesto de la produccion es $80. Cuantas tortillas se puede

What in the World?

America, are you collectively on crack?

Why? Why is Chris Daughtrey no longer on American Idol? McPhever made so many McErrors, how could you pass her through?

Unbelievable. I am disappointed in all of you!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Dear Merrifield Postal Worker:

Why did you choose to go postal Saturday morning while I and thousands of others were trying to successfully navigate the Capital Beltway? Do you not understand that you can’t play around with bomb threats? I sure hope whatever caused you to shut down the entire beltway for 2 hours was worth it.

Thanks to you, I now know the exact capacity of my bladder after ingesting 2 cups of coffee. One and a half hour ride good. Two hours of being parked on the Beltway, followed by two more hours of navigating the trip on side roads, not so good. A special shout out to the CVS manager in Silver Spring who took pity on me and let me into the employee bathroom after his clerk refused to let me use it. I believe my exasperated look and begging to take a Depends from the box and then purchase it, sealed the deal.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Heartfelt Thanks

In mourning, sea fog
Makes small things visible.
Pearls cling to petals.
Pine needles are fringed with glass.
The sea breaks against rocks.
Heaving back, it breaks again.
What does the wild rose know of its beauty?
Have you any idea what you've given me?

I cannot express how much all of your kind words, comments and e-mails have helped me cope these past few days. I know time heals all wounds. I wish I could predict how long all this will take. Unfortunately I cannot. So if you bear with me, I will take it one day at a time. That’s the best I can do.

A special thank you to Joe and Dave; these two have given me more love and comfort than I could have wished for. It was definitely what I needed, Thank you gentlemen.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Good Bye Sweet Prince....

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R.I.P. Dexter

My heart is breaking. We will see each other again one day.

I love you and miss you terribly.