Tuesday, May 29, 2007

When I Grow Older, I Shall Try this While Wearing My Purple Hat

Much Older Wicked (MOW): Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

MOW: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

MOW: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

MOW: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

MOW: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

MOW: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

MOW: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

MOW: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

MOW: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

MOW: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing, but an empty trunk

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

MOW: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the

MOW: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Monday, May 28, 2007

The Bashful Cousins

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Can you imagine what fun will be had when Sous Chef Mermaid unleashes all her wisdom unto Smelly?

I can’t wait!!!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Memorial Day Weekend

Eyes Wide Open, the American Friends Service Committee’s widely-acclaimed exhibition on the human cost of the Iraq War, features a pair of boots honoring each U.S. military casualty, a field of shoes and a Wall of Remembrance to memorialize the Iraqis killed in the conflict, and a multimedia display exploring the history, cost and consequences of the war.

On this weekend of rememberence, I urge you to take a look at this. It's haunting.

To our troops abroad and in the USA, we love and support you. We are proud of each and every one of you. We wish you a safe and quick return home.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Medical Tenancy 201

Oh poor Foot and Ankle Boy. I was pretty sure we’d gone over the rules of tenancy. Obviously, you weren't paying attention.

I heard a ruckus in our office today. I followed the noise to our reception area. Much to my surprise, I had the displeasure of witnessing our (cough) beloved tenant having a complete meltdown. Right there in front of our waiting patients. It seems Foot and Ankle Boy’s feathers got ruffled because he was unable to surf our internet. He was also agitated because our main copier/printer/wonder gadget was out of commission. Guess what? We were able to overcome the copier obstacle by writing down any information vital to our needs and carry on. All that and we don’t even have extra letters behind our names. Can you imagine??

We collectively tried to explain to him that the IT Gods have barred all of us from surfing. We are now forced to be 100% productive while on the clock. Believe it or not, we have never been this fruitful. Of course since Foot and Ankle Boy is above the rest of us, he demanded that we give him the magic password for surfing privileges.

Okay. I agree that proclaiming “DUH!” was more than a bit unprofessional; however the resulting arm flapping was SO worth it. An even better reaction was elicited when we collectively walked away from him mid-tirade. The crowning moment occurred when the Administrator made a very timely visit and clipped the Boy’s wings.

She reminded him that if his needs surpassed what were originally agreed to, he was more than welcome to pay for our staff’s services. Another option given to him was to bring his own computer, copier and whatever other machine and or human he needed to survive in our location. Thirdly, he was reminded that if he could find another office with accommodations such as ours complete with reasonable rent, he was more than welcome to be successful elsewhere.

Oh! SNAP!!

The rest of the day was so very pleasant. Not a peep from Foot and Ankle Boy. Any guesses as to what he will do next? Supply his own equipment and staff or pack up and leave. We have a pool going, let me know if you want in.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My Kidney for a Tank?

Seriously. This petrol pricing thing has gotten way out of control. I know we are all feeling the pain at the pumps. I figured you all would enjoy the new signs appearing soon at your favorite gas station.

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Seems fitting.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Precious Commodities

Internets, you never fail me. Thanks for the jokes, limericks, links, etc. Some of you have a sick sense of humor and this is why I love you!

Between you all and these 2, I am trying to refocus.

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Hope all of you had a restorative weekend as well.....

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ipso Facto

The weather is quite nice in my part of the world and work is status quo.

Between the death of an Uncle and trying to help a good friend deal with the fact that her young nephew is battling a brain tumor, I am uninspired.

I am appealing to you, Internets. Make me smile. I know I can count on you!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Sad, But So True.....

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Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful & Psycho

Be prepared AND very afraid!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Honor Your Mothers

There are times when only a Mother's love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappoints
And calm all of our fears.

There are times when only a Mother's love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we've dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.

There are times when only a Mother's faith
Can help us on life's way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.

For a Mother's heart and a Mother's faith
And a Mother's steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above.

~Author Unknown~

Wishing all the Moms out there a day filled with pampering and happiness. Enjoy it while it lasts!!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I’ve got nothing but a Trip Down Memory Lane……

"A lick and a promise" was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous.

Here is a list that our parents and grandparents used that we don't hear much anymore. Perhaps you have some memorable old phrases of your own that you could add to the list:

• A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)
• An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)
• A bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)
• At sea (lost or not understanding something)
• Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
• Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
• Barking up the wrong tree (same as above)
• Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose)
• Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
• Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)
• Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)
• Calaboose (a jail)
• Cattywampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
• Dicker (To barter or trade)
• Feather In Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
• Hold your horses (Be patient!)
• Hoosegowl ( a jail)
• I reckon (I suppose)
• Jawing (Talking or arguing)
• Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
• Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)
• Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)
• No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
• Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
• Pert-near (short for pretty near)
• Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
• Red up (clean as the house)
• Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
• Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
• Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
• Sparking (courting)
• Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)
• Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)
• Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
• We wash up real fine (is another goodie)
• Tie the Knot (to get married)
• Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)
• Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
• Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)
• Wearing your "best bib and tucker" (Being all dressed up)
• You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just a lick and a promise.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Get Real

Because I love to share and I hate talking to machines when it comes to customer service issues, I give you this:

If you've called your insurance company lately, or any other large
corporation, then you know that it is near impossible to get an actual human
being on the line. This cool site, created by Paul English, has an
extensive list of big companies and tips on how "to find a human" when you
call them.

This has been another of several PSA's for the Wicked Network - you're welcome!

Saturday, May 05, 2007


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And why don't you have your buzzz on? Pass the magueritas.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Helpful Hints from Wicked H; Long Live the Queen Edition

Apparently her Royal Highness will be visiting our area starting today. In an effort to show the Queen that we Americans have a little decorum, I’d like to share a few Queen related etiquette items.

Bowing and curtsying are no longer acceptable. When meeting the Queen; a simple nod of the head is sufficient. We are to refer to her as Ma’am. Take her lead when it comes to shaking her hand. If she extends the royal hand, grasp it gently. Those fingers are valuable, no sense causing any type of injury. For the topic of small talk, keep it simple. Ask her about the Grand Children; however bringing up their love lives or drunken debauchery, probably not a good idea. If you run out of things to talk about, ask her about that sugar cube that she is rumored to carry in her pocket book.

My invitation must have been lost in the mail, I am sure that is the only reason I was not invited to any of the events surrounding her royal visit. So, if any of you are privileged enough to attend, let the rest of us commoners know how it went.

One last thing if you see her and must wave, remember all digits pointed up as if you were inserting a light bulb into a fixture.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

May Day

Dance around a maypole, send a basket of flowers to your favorite friend. Or consider that the Celts chose this day to celebrate the Beltane, the “Return of the Sun.”

These are useless factoids that clutter my brain. You’re welcome!