Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Over the River and Through the Woods

As Thanksgiving begins the season of heightened family drama, I would like for you to keep this one in your arsenal. When things are getting tense and you are on the verge of hurling the gravy boat at your sibling, think of the Parrot Story.

An oldie but a goodie.....

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving.

Let the holiday craziness begin.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

He’s Sharted and He Can’t Get Up!

If you’ve visited this site previously, you know that know that my family endures hysterical scenarios. I would be remiss, if I didn’t share, right?

It seems my father had an incident recently. The parental units took B-I-L #1 and family out for his birthday dinner. A good time was had by all. Fast forward to later that evening.

My father had what he assumed was a minor attack of flatulence. It happens to the best of us. Since he was alone in that part of the house, my mother had long since ascended to her bedroom, he decided to let the gas escape. During mid-release, he realized that air was not the only passenger.

He decided to use his 83 year old body, to “sprint” to his master bath and hopefully make it to the restroom in time. Since my father was never a runner and due to his advanced age and various obstacles such as throw rugs in the foyer en route to the master bath, his race was not too successful.

He managed to hurdle the first throw rug but his slipper got caught on the second rug and down he went. Yes, my father took a header into the door jamb of his bedroom. Sharting himself to oblivion.

After he cleaned himself up, he decided it was a good idea to wake my mother and let her know what happened. I can’t recall what her response was because by that time I was choking on my own sputum from the howls of laughter emanating from my being.

He is quite lucky. His glasses broke and scraped his face, he may have needed stitches but was too stubborn to go and get treated. Thank goodness he didn’t break a hip, undue all that was done during his back surgery or any number of worse things that could have happened.

When I asked him why he didn’t just duck into the powder room that was closest to him during his crisis, he replied “I didn’t want to mess up that bathroom.”

Folks, I wish I could make this stuff up. I may pitch this new slogan to the Lifeline people: “I’ve sharted and I can’t get up!”

Wednesday, November 05, 2008



Well played America. Well played.

Proud to be an American!

Monday, November 03, 2008

This is a Competition, Please No Wagering

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past year, you must have heard that election day is Tuesday November 4th. This means nothing for any of you living outside the US; or does it?

I have heard many express that they wished the elections were over already. They are tired of all the propaganda on TV, radio, internet, telephone, carrier pigeon - all of it. I couldn’t agree more. However I don’t want that to deter you from making your way to the voting booth.

I am not here to preach to you about any particular candidate. My only goal with this post is to remind you to get out and vote. It is every American’s civic duty and privilege, why waste your voice? Take part in this historical decision that will affect your life and the lives of those in the future.

Practice patience, bring your ID or voter registration card, take another voter with you and Vote.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me*

It was the one and only thing we were actually saving. Now we must give that back too.

It’s all going to Hell in a handbasket. (What exactly does that mean?)

This time change always throws off my internal clock. I head to work at o dark thirty as it is; I suppose it will now be o darker thirty? I am so confused!

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back this evening.

*Name that tune.