Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Road Rage

There have been 2 cases here recently about drivers being arrested for throwing missiles at other cars as a way to release their road rage. One woman spent seven weeks in jail for launching her missile which was a large cup of ice. Yesterday a gentleman was arrested for hurling his missile, a cup of coffee, at the vehicle that cut him off in traffic.

I am not advocating any type of violence against anyone. However, if I am going to be charged with a felony due to road rage, it is going to be for shooting out someone’s tires. The throwing of ice or hurling of coffee would just not release my rage.

Good thing I can keep it all in check while driving.

Seriously people, chill!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Calm Before the Freeze

I should have wished for a million dollars. When we got our premature Spring like weather last week, I told anyone who would listen that I need another snow fall before Spring arrives.

Poof !

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Of course the forecast calls for a deep freeze later on. If you will excuse me, I am going to light the fireplace and enjoy this gorgeous site before we get freeze dried.

For the record, I am going to wear my PJs inside out and backwards so that my niece, Sous-Chef Mermaid will not have to endure school tomorrow. If you all care for her at all, you will join me.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Hey Other Shoe, Drop Already

Whew! It has been a long time since I have had this much stress in a week. I won’t whine about the details, it really isn’t worth it. This week it was my turn, so be it.

I can tell you that three trips to the Chiropractor, countless hours spent on a heating pad and more than a few libations have not released the spasm residing under both of my shoulder blades.

Uncle! There I said it. It was worth a try. I am sad to report that the spasms remain.

Hope you all had a much better week. Go forth and frolic through the weekend.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Breast Nazis

Smelly’s mom, now re-named Maternal Countessa, and is having a difficult time with the whole breast feeding issue. Having never been pregnant, I can only offer moral support. I have nothing to draw on other than having a bit of knowledge and having been around many friends who have gone through the same exact issues after delivering their children.

I do know that no matter how much knowledge the lactation specialists can deliver, each mother and child have to come up with the best system for themselves. As a new mother, Maternal Countessa is of course trying every method offered to her as well as listening to her friends who have breast fed before her. She asked her Ob/GYN about it as well. He had a very good take on the situation regarding the pressure Maternal Countessa is feeling. He told her that the lactation specialists seem to think of the world as one big breast. Indeed, that is a very good analogy.

On a recent phone conversation Maternal Countessa and I had the following exchange:

Wicked: How’s life with Smelly? Getting used to everything?

Maternal Countessa: This whole breast feeding thing, it’s just not going well. Plus they keep calling to tell me how I am doing it wrong.

Wicked: Who is calling?

MC: The lactation specialists. They are making me feel guilty.

Wicked: They feel it is their mission to make sure every new mom follows their instructions to the letter. Life doesn’t work that way. You and Smelly will come up with a system that works well for you.

MC: (Sigh) I am doing the best I can.

Wicked: Of course you are, Smelly is growing the pediatrician is not unhappy with her progress.

MC: True. I just don’t want to talk to them anymore.

Wicked: Then don’t, screen the call. If you need their help you know how to contact them. The Breast Nazis can just back off.

MC: Snort!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Clyde of the Netherland Carbuncles

Dear Clyde:

It has been brought to my attention that your eviction is needed post haste. How dare you make yourself comfortable in such a precarious location? I highly suggest that you leave on your own accord. We wish you no harm but if we are forced to extricate, things could get extremely ugly.

Hunker down my friend and come to the understanding that if you gather all your worldly possessions in one fell swoop, your departure will be harmless to all involved. Clyde, you are a crafty devil but you do not know the healing powers in play. We have methods, so many theorems and postulates that will be put into place. Some of which have been put to the test as we speak.

Consider this your final warning. Evacuate or face the consequences. Heed my admonition. I am studying up on my powers of excision. Withdraw on your own terms and no one will get hurt.

Otherwise, I see a bleak future for you, my friend.

Hugs and Kisses – Wicked H

Monday, February 19, 2007

She Has My Sense of Humor!!!

As evidenced by this shot.

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I was able to spend some quality bonding time with my new niece, for now I shall continue to call her Smelly until she has the chance to develop a personality. She did wink at her cousin, Sous-Chef Mermaid, after I told a side splitting joke.

Those of you, who have president’s Day off, enjoy! The rest of us will return to the daily grind.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Sometimes Being Literal is Better

Our recent winter storm reminded me of the time when I was living in Pinehurst North Carolina. Because snow is a rarity there is/was no means in which to remove the white stuff in place.

I was baby sitting an infant in her own home while her parents went to a medical conference. The first night Pinehurst got 22 inches of snow. The area was paralyzed. The power and water went out that night. Luckily they had a gas fireplace and a gas stove/oven. I was able to keep the bay warm and fed for 2 days. By the third day I knew if the parents were not able to return to the home, Emma and I would have to head out on foot to one of the many shelters being set up in the area. Emma’s parents made it back and headed out to a relative’s home for shelter.

I was able to book a room in a hotel with a functional generator. By then the roads were passable for SUV type vehicles. Once comfortably ensconced in my hotel room I was listening to the radio. Many calls were being made requesting assistance. The best call was one from a woman who was desperate to have her street cleared. Although her terminology was very different; she stated that her street was in dire need of being scraped.

Scraped indeed; we call it plowing. As I look out my office window to the rather poor job done clearing our parking lot, I think to myself the person in charge of street scraping did not do the best job.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dear Tricked Out Pick Up Truck Driver:

In case you haven’t noticed, we had a rather nasty ice and sleet sometimes mixed with snow issue yesterday. Last night anything that wasn’t completely cleared off the roads, re-froze making it more hazardous to drive this morning than ever. Therefore, I chose to hit the road a full hour earlier so that I could avoid fucktards such as you.

When I realized you were going to tail gate my ass my entire route, I chose a safer spot in the road to pull over so you could get on your way quicker. Sorry if I was unwilling to recreate the Indy 500 on my way to work. I did notice that you tried to impress me with your driving prowess by speeding up as you passed me. Imagine my delight when you spun out and landed in the ditch.

Sweet revenge thou art mine.

To the rest of you, slow the hell down. There is not a single vehicle that can navigate ice. I honestly don’t care what the rest of you do until it impacts me. Don’t be stupid, just take your time.

Love and Kisses - Wicked

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

PJ’s Inside Out AND Backwards

Finally, a measurable snow and sleet storm which closed even my office. The business of healing rarely closes, so this is big.

I am giving myself one more hour of laziness before I go out and chip away at my front steps and car. Happy Valentine’s Day, stay warm and be safe.

( I realize the Metro area is a wuss compared to those states that routinely get blizzard like conditions.)

Monday, February 12, 2007

It’s a Niece!!!!!

I am very happy to report that the newest addition to the family has arrived via Cesarean section.

Please join me in welcoming EMH 6 pounds 6 ounces and 18.4 inches.
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Baby, Mother and Father are all doing well.

Martini’s for everyone!!!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dental Terror, Histrionics and Hospital Admittance

In other words, a typical weekend at the Wicked Family compound.

My visit to the dentist yielded a month long treatment plan, oh joy! I am happy to report that I really like this dentist and also that I am and was not in denial as to what the treatment plan was going to be. It is getting through the process with my nerves in tact that was my issue. In any case, I will put on my brave face for the month long ordeal and then hopefully live a happy and healthy dental life until the dental Gods throw me another curve.

Gestational Countessa, my youngest sister, has been hospitalized. She is 37 weeks pregnant and my future niece is giving her high blood pressure. Because we are a medical family, we know all the pros and cons involved with this situation. I find it easier to be ignorant in these cases as it makes the hurry up and wait process much simpler. That being said, Gestational Countessa is very comfortable with her Doctors and she is not showing any signs of stress. She is comfortably resting in the hospital waiting to hear what comes next. The sister’s Wicked and Sous-Chef Mermaid spent all of Saturday keeping Gestational Countessa company. It’s amazing how tired you can get from simply sitting in a chair in a hospital room watching non-stop coverage of the passing of Anna Nicole. As I left the Wicked Family compound very early this morning I can report that there has been no progress on the future niece front.

My Mom does not handle medical crises very well. I love my Mom but she has always had a hysterical personality. The second she heard that her youngest was hospitalized, she went into DEFCON 3 histrionics. She has no control over this reactionary method but it throws the rest of us into a tail spin. We don’t know which crisis to handle first. My Dad took over the DEFON 3 situation while the rest of us rallied around Gestational Countessa.

So this week my priorities are to make sure my martini back pack is fully stocked at ALL times. It’s going to be a rough month friends. Buckle up for the ride.

Friday, February 09, 2007


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I can usually get myself through most situations but the dentist terrifies me. Unfortunately, I have many issues with my choppers. I am sure it is the exact reason I am so afraid. If I know that it’s a simple cleaning, I suffer no anxiety at all. Otherwise, I am an internal basket case. I was raised not to project my anxiety onto others.

I have to have a major procedure done and I have to go today to meet the dentist that will perform the services. I can think of a million other things I’d rather do instead of visiting the dentist but I know I cannot put it off any longer.

So wish me luck or wish me the least amount of discomfort. If you don’t hear form me for a couple of days, it’s because it all didn’t go as smoothly as I am hoping.
Have a good weekend. Those of us in cold climates, try and stay warm.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Hoof and Proximal Talus Boy

I have the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with a specialist who rents space from one of our sites. He is an annoying man who feels that he deserves some special treatment because he has a few letters following his last name.

During one of our encounters, he made the mistake of entering my office demanding that I fax something for him. I have my own fax machine in my office. I told him that he may use my machine and continued on with my work. He stood in front of my desk while extending the papers he needed faxed. I told him again to help himself to my machine. His response, “I don’t have time to fax anything, you do it.”

My reply was thus: “you are a tenant here; you are not renting the staff only the space. We are all busy people. If your time is too precious to operate a fax machine, I suggest you hire an assistant.” He stood there stunned. He then stomped out of my office.

He occasionally makes the mistake of demanding something from me and I just chuckle and ask him to leave my office.

Seriously, we all put our underwear on one leg at a time. I don’t care how many degrees you might have. Get over yourself.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

New York State of Mind

If you have to pick one place in the USA to hold an impromptu family reunion, New York City is the perfect location!

I have always wondered if the closeness I have with my cousins would have evolved in the same way had we been raised on the same continent. I had not seen my cousin for 22 years. I, along with my older sister, BIL and niece, had the distinct pleasure of spending the weekend with her, her husband and a couple of their very close friends.

As soon as we saw each other Friday night, we picked right up from the moment we last saw each other.

Not only does her husband fit in with our family, his sense of humor may be better than my own.

Being part of the energy that is New York.

We only spent one hour in search of high end lotions and potions for the preservation of youthful skin. I was able to talk my cousin and her friend off of the shopping jag while I was in NY.

Mid day cocktails at South Street Sea Port. We are all water lovers.

Being made fun of for befriending every cab driver we encountered. Hey I was in the front seat each time, they didn’t seem to mind chatting with me.

Watching my BIL actually having a great time away from his 5 mile perimeter comfort zone. We or at least you and BS should really do that more often.

Martini party back in my room.

The drive up was pretty treacherous but BIL got us there in one piece. He didn’t quite trust his navigational system, the Sisters Wicked, but we got there safe and sound.

The weather was more than a bit nippy.

Getting spit on while having lunch at ESPN Zone. Some stupid kids in the rafters. I drowned them in the East River, it’s all good.

Our hotel neighbor pounding on our adjoining door due to boisterous laughter during the martini party. In our defense, it was only 10:30 on a Saturday night. Maybe we should have invited him.

We packed much fun into our short time together. I only hope it doesn’t take me 22 more years to see her again.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Is Your Hoboken?

What happens when you place two siblings who are giddy with the thought of taking a bite out of the big apple along with a navigationally challenged BIL and an 11 year old niece? One fantastic journey up to NYC.

Currently, I am trying to recover from the trek. I promise to go into more detail soon. I wanted to tell you how the title of this post came to fruition.

We were on the NJ turnpike making our way when BIL who was driving asked BS to point out the opening to his hot tea. I casually commented from the back seat and told him to use his tongue to feel the hole and then take a sip. I was trying to be helpful. That was how I was able to drink my coffee. Instead of trying that, the combination of BIL and BS suffered from a case of gutter mindedness. They were chastising me for making that comment in front of my niece and they were giggling uncontrollably. In my defense, I was honestly trying to be beneficial not suggestive. Also my niece was jamming to her Ipod, she would have been unaware of what I said had they not reacted so sophomorically.

In an attempt to defer attention, BS saw the sign for the city in Jersey. She asked us if our Hoboken? This of course lead to more raucous laughter and my niece into further confusion.


It was the perfect way to begin our adventure.

Friday, February 02, 2007

94.7 The Arrow

Anyone know what happened? The format has changed. I want my Classic Rock back!!


Thursday, February 01, 2007

So Excited Can Barely Hide It!

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Well kids the back pack is fully stocked and the camera charged and ready. A few of the Family Wicked are getting ready to take a field trip. We will be gathering at my all time favorite place to have a reunion with my cousin who I have not personally seen in over 22 years.

More details after we return. If you’ll excuse me I am busy getting work caught up and then right after work tomorrow I’ll begin my adventure. Other than hotel reservations there are no itineraries. That is my kind of adventure. It makes the rest of my group a little twitchy but what’s a journey without some shivers.

Be good. I don’t want to hear that anyone of you had more fun than me. In fact I know it is not a possibility.

Be back soon…