Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I’d Like to Call this Meeting to Order

Recently, I attended a business lunch. We gathered at a local restaurant for what I thought was going to be a huge yawn fest. I hate it when I am wrong.

I will give you little snippets of our meeting:

Fearless Leader: Woo Hoo, we are out of the office!!!

Financial Delegates: Yes, thanks for taking us out to lunch. It’s a nice change.

FL: OH! Are those balloons free for the taking???

FD: We think so.

FL: (Up and out of her seat to gather a balloon for each of us) (While affixing the balloon to each of our chairs) Hey cutie (speaking to our server), we are celebrating 5 birthdays today. Can you hook us up?

FD: (Collective groan)

Wicked H: (To the server) No, really we aren’t.

FL: You are out of order Wicked!

Server: (After our orders were taken) Is there anything else I can get for you?

FL: HATS!!! Hats would make this all perfect!

Server: Unfortunately we don’t have hats.

FL: Bummer!

Believe it or not we had an agenda, we got through it. I am not sure anyone came away with any type of new knowledge at the conclusion of our meeting. I am sure that the patrons in our section as well as the rest of the restaurant were either highly entertained or extremely annoyed.

Please tell me you all have more yawn fest type meetings. Also, are there any openings where you work???

Monday, January 29, 2007

Oooo, Eeee, Ooooo, Ah, Ah...

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I survived the estrogen overload festival otherwise known as Gestational Countessa’s baby shower. It was not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. It was hosted by my Mother who was very smart and had us all gather at a local restaurant.

My Mother and I arrived early to set the place up and BS and Sous-Chef Mermaid were not too far behind. Of course our favors were a hit, anything hand made usually is. BS and I were going to play a drinking game during the event. The premise was anytime any of the guests tried to retrieve chocolate from the favor, we’d have to take a shot. Unfortunately, I did not have enough in my flask to cover the event and we really did not witness anyone trying to destroy our work.

GC’s friends jumped into action during the gift reveal, so not only did I not have to write down every detail of who gave what, I also was able to avoid the dreaded ooooooos and ahhhhhhhhhs.

I am more than a little excited to meet my new niece. Hopefully she won’t show up on time as I have a date with Billy Joel in Raleigh. Smelly, if you are tuning in, either come early or at least 2 days late.

Love and Kisses - Aunt Wicked

Friday, January 26, 2007


Although it is extremely cold outside, it’s about damn time. Winter is for layers and hats and scarves, etc.

With that in mind, I leave you with this quote:

“All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.”


Thursday, January 25, 2007

Treatment Paradigm

I have mentioned before how I’d rather the pharmaceutical reps that frequent our sites make medicines more affordable across the board rather than providing us with nice lunches and fantastic gadgets. However; nothing excites me more than watching a rep lose their air of smugness.

Today happened to be one of those days. The Drug Dealer was repeating her rehearsed speech, something she has obviously memorized, when one of the Doctors asked her something not on her fancy schmancy diagrams. I believe the look is referred to as “deer in headlights.” Added to her not being able to scramble for a good answer to the question was the fact that her supervisor was accompanying her. The Drug Dealers do not like when they are being observed.

I had to leave the lunch room as I was beginning to actually feel sorry for her. Although her supervisor could not come up with the answer either. I am telling you that one cannot buy this type of entertainment at lunch time.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Vampire Cannot Operate the Lights on Her Vehicle, Film at Eleven

It is going to be one of those days. A short time ago, I made the pact with myself to not get involved with things that don’t directly impact me. Of course it’s a difficult switch for me, a process. I have gotten pretty good at it, until this morning.

We have a contracted phlebotomist who is at our location. For some reason, the company that places them here can’t seem to keep the same person for more than one or two weeks at a time. I stopped trying to learn the new person’s name each time. This week it was announced that we now have a permanent phlebotomist; it’s good for the patients to have a familiar face plunge a needle into their veins. Yay team.

This morning she parked her vehicle in her frantic pace and left the lights on. She walked back to her vehicle twice but left the lights on. The reason I know this is because she parked right in front of my window. I figured it was one of those new fangled cars whose lights automatically turn off after a period of time. It wasn’t. So being the good co-worker, I found her and let her know that her lights were on.

Wicked: Good Morning, you left your lights on.

Vampire: Oh, is there a sign?

Wicked: The lights on your car, they are on.

Vampire: Do I need to move the car?

Wicked: (I went to the light switch in her room and turned it on and off) Your car lights are on.

Vampire: (Clueless as to what I was trying to convey) Thank you, thank you very much.

I walked away. She followed me. I took her to the window and showed her the lights on her car. She grabbed her keys and went outside, opened the door, shut the door. The lights remain on.

My work here is done. Note to self, don’t let this woman draw blood from me.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Nobody Panic, It's Just a Joke......

Sitting in a bar in Florida are a Mexican, an Arab and a lovely, young Florida woman, all enjoying a cool beer on a warm afternoon. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, we make our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.”

The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches her glass as is falls. She smiles sweetly and says, "In America, we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.”

God Bless America !

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Warming, Schmorming

Either Mother Nature has developed a terrible case of eczema or we have our fist snow!!

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My sincerest apologies to my friends who have suffered or are currently suffering from horrible weather conditions. This post in no way diminishes your meteorological misfortunes.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Carbon Copy God and Everybody

What is the thought process of those who feel as though they are in the right to the degree they must write a global e-mail in which they CC God and everybody?

Intimidation? Snort!
Narcissism? Makes sense.
Irreverence? No, they probably don’t even know what that means.
Autocratic? Whatever lets them sleep at night?
Ignorance? Ding, ding – we have a winner.

Trust me gang, God is way too busy to even read your whiney e-mail. If the purpose is to rattle me, it takes more than one belligerent yahoo to make that happen. Let’s all just perform the tasks at hand and take a chill pill.

Shall we?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Most Adorable Onsie, EVER!!!

Does that sound convincing? Hey, I never said I was an actress.

Gestational Countessa’s baby shower is coming up. Can I tell you that when God was making me, not only did he leave out the shopping gene he also left out the enjoying any type of shower gene. I get nauseous even thinking about cooing over each and every gift being opened. I mean do we really need to oooh and aaaah after each package? Seriously, we are all grown women here.

I am extremely happy for my sister, she had a miscarriage the first go round, and I can’t wait to meet Smelly. (I promise to reveal the story behind her moniker during a future post) I am more than happy to plan the event, make the favors, order the food send out the invitations and socialize with the crowd. It’s the inane gift reveal that simply makes me want to poke my eyes right out.

I will be the dutiful sibling and endure the madness but there had better be liquor involved. If not, I may have to bring a flask. I draw the line at shower games. If that happens, Wicked will leave the building.

BS, Sous-Chef Mermaid and I spent 3 hours of quality bonding time preparing the baby shower centerpieces and favors. Let me tell you that the mother daughter team (BS /Sous-Chef Mermaid) were most definitely not designed for assembly line productions. Oy vey! They were killing me. I cannot remember the last time I laughed so heartily.

BS has a mean OCD streak. We had to make sure that the freaking ribbons were not only free of twists but if there was a millimeter of ribbon extending past the line, BS lost it. It’s a baby shower favor, not brain surgery. Then Sous-Chef Mermaid was seriously challenged when it came to affixing labels to nuggets of chocolate. I, of course, was handling the situation with grace. NOT!!! You all know better than that.

In any case, it will all be over soon. I mean I am sure the shower will go as planned. I leave you with a direct quote from my 11 year old niece, Sous-Chef Mermaid: “Smelly better appreciate all the work that was involved with these shower favor things!”

That apple, it does not fall far from the tree.

Monday, January 15, 2007


“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” MLK

I want you to consider this the next time you think about not speaking out on an issue that comes to your attention. Those of you with the day off, at least take a moment to remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Calmed and Collected

I have always found humor to be the best medicine, right up there behind martinis. But I digress.

I give you this very amusing sign from Vancouver:

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What would the sign read if the dogs wrote it for the humans?

Have a great weekend. Those of you with a three day weekend, I am envious.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


I am having one horrific day. So bad that whining about it is not even going to help me; those of you that know me personally will find that earth shattering.

In any case, I am counting the minutes down to the end of the day because trying to imagine the hours is painful.

Someone, tell me something amusing. I beg of you!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


In the past few days I have heard this mantra from a co-worker more times than I care to count.

Perhaps the phrase I am overwhelmed is the new whatever.

It all made me think, perhaps my next life I am going to come back as an individual who will spend her days being overwhelmed and lack knowledge in general. It seems these people have an easier go of it.

If you have any thoughts, now would be the time to share. You see it is National De-Lurking Week. Next thing you know Hallmark will make an e-card for this very special occassion.

Come on, share. You know you want to; why else to you visit so often?

Monday, January 08, 2007

A Whole Lot of Nothing

The weekend’s heat wave gave me the opportunity to practice one of the seven deadly sins. Yes friends, I was a sloth this weekend.

I spent much quality time on my deck soaking up some vitamin D but after that I was compelled to turn on the AC when I went back inside. Seriously, I am going to contact a coupe of my meteorological type friends and ask them if we can send good ole Mamma Nature some HRT into the atmosphere.

It’s January! I’d like to wear winter clothes and see a few inches of snow. Not possible when the weather was 73 degrees. If I wanted to live in Florida or Arizona I would have moved there.

I need four distinct seasons. Not too much to ask.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Gee, I Am Looking Forward to the Future


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ..

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

(If I knew who the original author was, I'd gladly give him/her credit. Just enjoy this as much as I did)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Welcome 2007

Hope you all rang it in safely. Mine was perfectly spent with my favorite niece.

I am happy to report that so far I have not broken any resolutions. Of course, I didn't make any either. My Mamma didn't raise a fool.

Fess up, who has succumbed?

Those of you at work today, I also feel your pain. The rest of you I envy. Maybe one resolution of mine should be, next life I will work for the Feds. On second thought, never mind.