Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Toast....

Here’s to the new year...
May it bring more joy and success
And less grief and regret.

To our dreams...
May we never stop believing in them
And taking the actions that will make them a reality.

To our friends, loved ones, associates (or colleagues)...
May we take the time to let them know
How much it means to us
To have them in our lives.

Let us encourage more and criticize less,
Give more and need less.
And whenever we can,
Let us create harmony and peace.

To new beginnings...
Let us start fresh, right now,
To make this the very best year ever.

A very Happy New Year to all of us!

J. Fuchs


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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

This Greeting Has Been Cleared by my Attorney

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)

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From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 22nd day of December two thousand and nine.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

When the Going Gets Tough.....

....I whip out the martini shaker.

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Welcome to the Snowpocolypse of 2009. First round is on me.

Looks like Christmas will be white!

Cheers.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Holiday Humor

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells. "Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Newfie replied, "These are Carols."

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I Am An Aunt x 3

Cigars for everyone!

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Behold, Tantrum Tilly and her new sister.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Reactionary Tantrums

Tantrum Tilly

Staring this Friday, I will be spending quality bonding time with my currently youngest niece. Soon to be an older sister, she is having a bit of an adjustment reaction to the arrival of her younger sibling.

Tantrum Tilly, as we will call her for these purposes, is in store for nonstop craft action while in my care. My bag of tricks may last all of twenty minutes. She is too young to motivate positively by reminding her that the big fat guy in the red suit is making lists and checking them twice.

So I ask you, ole wise Interwebs, how shall I distract and or amuse Tilly for 3 days.

Any and all ideas are most welcome.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Creative Holiday Carolling

I haven't done the research. Don't ask me which group this is, I am simply paying it forward.

All I know is that after years of performing this tune, I am thoroughly impressed by this rendition.

Allow me to pass on the Silent Monks. Enjoy!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Holiday Survival Guide - Lower Your Expectations

We had our Thanksgiving meal early this year. I was all ready to sit down and write a post about how disappointed I was with our gathering, then my guilt kicked in. Instead, I have decided that from now on, I am not going to expect the perfect Norman Rockwell-ish results. I am a pessimist by nature; I feel that I can always be pleasantly surprised.

I am not going to whine about the fact that my Mom accidentally popped an Ambien instead of her blood pressure medication right before I arrived. I won’t grumble about how I had to clean Mom’s kitchen before I could even think about setting out the food me and my siblings brought for dinner. I refuse to attack my Dad’s character because we had to debate the functionality (or lack thereof) of their electrical system before he would let me plug in a power strip needed for the warming plates and crock pots soon to arrive. I can’t explain to you the number of times my Mom asked me which platters she should bring out for all the food. I don’t think she understood that we were to serve ourselves warm food for a change. Our typical is cold food served out of impeccable silver platters. I have given up even trying to figure out how my youngest sibling is such a Princess that she cannot even be bothered to take her own dish to the kitchen.

It’s not worth it.

My Parents are elderly, I need to understand what that means. I need to forgive their transgressions. I commit to stop stressing about family gatherings. Rather, I will from this moment on suggest that any future caucuses happen in a restaurant setting. We function well in a confined space and predetermined time frame.

Life is too short. Enjoy your family. If you cannot do it honestly, it is my true belief that this is the exact reason alcohol or (in my Mom’s case) pharmaceuticals were invented.

Happy 2009 Holiday Season!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hot Flash

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The beginning of my trip was most intriguing. I had not visited Istanbul in over twenty years. I had nothing but excitement flowing through my system. My flights to Istanbul were uneventful. Other than being exhausted from flying, waiting and arriving I was perfectly fine. I was ready for my three week family reunion.

Once I landed, I shut my brain off to English. My flight landed with six other airlines so the passport line was rather crowded. While waiting and snaking my way through the line I was cognizant of the voice in the background. It was in English and the woman kept repeating “Ma’am, ma’am, excuse me.” Since I speak the native language, I was sure this voice was not directed at me. Soon after that thought, the voice was now tapping me on the shoulder. I turned around to see the woman who was sporting a surgical mask asking me to follow her. I replied in English and asked her if she was talking to me, she nodded.

I followed her out of the passport line and towards what was labeled the first aid desk. There I was greeted with two more women also wearing surgical masks and gloves. I regained my senses and asked them in Turkish why I was summoned.

Wicked H: What seems to be the problem?

First Aid Attendant (FAA): Ma’am, you look very ill!

Wicked H: I do?

FAA: You look as though you have a high fever, you must sit down.

Wicked H: Oh! Oh, no. I am not ill, I am having a hot flash.

FAA: I doubt it. You may have Swine Flu!

Wicked H: What? I promise you that I don’t.

FAA: (a thermometer has now been placed in my ear)

Wicked H: Seriously, menopause. Am I saying the word correctly? That is the reason my face is so red.

FAA: (my temperature is 37.5 C)

Wicked H: (having been raised in the states and being jet lagged, I have no idea if 37.5 is good or not - trying not to appear panicked) Look I am 47 and it is quite warm in this building, I am simply having a hot flash. You must believe me.

Needless to say, I begged them to let me through. Turns out 37.5 is very close to normal. Thank goodness. On the plus side by the time I made it out to the luggage carousel, my two bags were the only ones left. My poor cousin was trying to get an official to check on me as I dragged myself into the terminal. It was a wonderful reunion.

More to come soon....

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Appointments Not Necessarily Honored

I followed all the rules by making an appointment to pick up a rental car once I handed my vehicle over to be repaired; my appointment was for 9:30 am. When I arrived at the repair shop, I realized that Monday mornings was their busiest day of the week. Imagine my dismay when I entered the waiting room to find 12 others dealing with vehicle woes. No worries. I figured since it was apparent that many of the other patrons were walk ins and I had an appointment, surely I would be served first. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I patiently waited for two other rental customers to be processes and then the Diva with a Tude was being helped. Like the rest of us, Diva was none too pleased to be there. Who knows how her vehicle was damaged, does it really matter? Diva was being processed regularly until they asked her what type of vehicle she wanted to rent. She replied that she would need to see them as she was unfamiliar with makes and models. The rental car agent must have recently attended a training session in customer service because she made every effort to please the Diva. After a parade of six vehicles, each one needing to be washed and vacuumed before Diva could inspect and then reject them, I snapped.

An entire hour had lapsed and I could no longer sit patiently while the Diva needed to see the entire fleet of cars. I stood up and approached the rental car podium:

Wicked H: What was the purpose of my making an appointment?

Rental Car Agent (RCA): We will be with you as soon as we can.

Wicked H: I have a better idea; why not give me one of the Diva’s 6 rejects. In fact, you all could serve me and the next 5 customers in the time it will take the Diva to make up her mind.

RCA: (Flustered, not knowing how to respond to me – deer in headlights look)

Wicked H: Did this woman have an appointment?

Diva: (hand on hip, ready to make a dangerous comment)

RCA #2: (appearing from thin air) Ms. Wicked, your vehicle is ready. Please step outside with me so we can do a quick inspection.

Luckily RCA #2 was on her game, she brought all my prepared paperwork outside and while I was comfortable seated in my rental car I completed the signatures and was on my way.

For all I know, Diva with a Tude is still trying to decide what vehicle will suit her needs. Gah!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veterans Day

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Our veterans were more than soldiers. They were, and still are heroes.

Veterans Day
By Taylor Weinman

Representing the red white and blue
The colors of our flag stand out proud and true.

The white stars on blue background with red and white stripes
Remind me of these veterans, who all risked their lives.

Just so the people of the U.S. could all live in peace and be free
These are the heroes that represent you and me.

They stood up strongly, united as one,
And kept up the fighting until they were done.

And although some have fallen, and lost their lives in war,
We pray for each one of them.

And now that their souls live on forever more,
Above in God's hands.

They watch over our nation,
And give us strength to triumph over others with strong anticipation.

So every year, when this day comes by,
Think of all the veterans that while fighting, had to die.

And remember that they were people
With fire and passion embedded inside.

They die for this country,
So remember and honor them with pride.

Monday, November 02, 2009

When You Wish Upon a Star

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While on my trip to Istanbul, I was shopping for souvenirs. Because of all the tourists, most of the shop keepers can greet their customers in several languages. This particular shop keeper greeted me in English. I went about my business picking out my treasures and when it was time to settle up I spoke to him in Turkish. Our conversation went something like this:

Wicked H: How much are the real prices?

Shop Keeper (SK): Oh? I thought you were a tourist, for you I’ll of course lower the prices.

Wicked H: Technically I am a tourist but my roots are here.

SK: Really? Is your spouse a Turk as well?

Wicked H: Not married.

SK: Well in that case may I make a proposal? I am 35 and ready to start a family. When will we be leaving for America?

Wicked H: Really? Well first of all I am too old to make babies. Also, if we do get married, I prefer to stay here.

SK: Oh….in that case, please accept this starfish as a gift. You know something to remember me by.

Wicked H: your generosity will not be forgotten. You are indeed very kind.

I am not sure but I may be engaged.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

How Can You Miss Me If I Don't Go Away?

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Well kids, I am officially on vacation. I am off to the city on 2 continents.

I'll be away for a while. I am counting on each of you to behave yourselves in my absence. If you can't behave then do something worth sharing upon my return.

Ciao!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

47! Ah, ah, ah.....

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For the first time in 47 years, I am giving myself a very nice present.

I will be leaving on a jet plane very soon for three weeks. 1..2..3, ah, ah, ahhhhhhhhh.

It’s no fun to come outright and tell you, so I will continue my birthday fun by making you guess. Please no wagering. Vote early and often. Ready?

I will be visiting the only city in the world which lies on 2 continents.

I have a couple birthday wishes 1) a non-chatty seat mate and 2) no screaming babies on my flight. Oh and if it isn't too much trouble a magical immunity to the swine flu and of course, world peace.

Happy Birthday to me!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Brain Surgeon

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Double nickels is simply the new 30 with 25 years experience.

Also, the Centers for Disease Control says that if you were born before 1956 you will likely have previously developed an immunity to the swine flu. I am here to point out any and all silver linings. You can thank me later.

Today is my sister the Brain Surgeon's birthday. Please join me in wishing her happiness today and ALL days.

Happy Birthday Sis! Let the hot flashes die down and the fun times roll!

Mwah!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Unexpected Demolition

Can't a girl just lean on the wall of her shower without all hell and tiles breaking loose?

Apparently not.

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This is what I was confronted with at O-dark-thirty this very morning.

Not the best way to start the day. On the plus side, I found out rather quickly that my adrenal glands are in proper working order. No caffeine was needed to jump start this day. On the negative side, this annihilation could not have come at a worse time.

I might have to pull a Scarlett O’Hara; “Fiddle- dee-dee.” Calgon take me away? Not in this mess.

Thank goodness I have another functional shower

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

As the Stomach Turns

We have 3 family birthdays and a wedding anniversary that are within 10 days of each other: BIL #2, BS, mine and my parent’s wedding anniversary. This year the Rents are out of the country visiting the homeland so we won’t be making arrangements around their schedule. Birth order plays heavily in my family, it gives us structure. Although all of us are adults, we should be used to it by now.

My younger sister, Professor Countessa (PC) is very much into scheduling every second of her day. Me not so much, I am more a go with the flow kind of gal. My older sister, Brain Surgeon (BS), works the hardest and with the weirdest schedule. Her time off is precious so also not very much into scheduling her free time way in advance.

This brings me to an exhaustive round of emails that took place earlier this week. PC sent out an e-mail asking the group where and when we’d like to schedule the group birthday dinner. Again, knowing that we usually have to schedule these things around BS’s schedule, I waited to answer until I saw her response. Because PC needs instant gratification, she over utilizes the e-mail function to a point where we start ignoring all of it. This year was no different.

The long and short of it was that after we figured out when BS was available, we were asked via e-mail where we’d like to go? I answered first picking a destination equidistant to all involved. BS picked a location furthest away from the majority of the group. When I read her choice, I was shocked because her husband BIL#1 doesn’t usually like to travel more than 10 miles away from his own zip code.

PC then took all the information, and chose the location that SHE wanted the most. When she relayed the info she stated that since BS was the eldest, we were going to defer to her choice. PC then wrote one more e-mail choosing a time that suited her needs letting us know that she would take one for the team and make the reservation. Not to be outdone, BIL#1 voiced his objection to the time and BS responded by stating that the reservation needed to be made for an hour earlier than PC chose.

Soap opera scripts have less twists and turns.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Pointless Drivel

Gah!

The short work weeks are painful. Add to them the useless meeting, torture.

Friday afternoon cannot get here quick enough.

So, how’s life with all of you?

Monday, September 07, 2009

Labor Day

No work today, unless you are in the hospitality or retail business. Definitely no school today but be prepared for the onslaught of extra traffic the next day and throughout the school year. The last day of white to be worn although there are many offenders, we should start a whole twitter page to list any offenses. Also the symbolic last day of summer, go to the pool, have a picnic or cookout.

My hope for this coming year is that next Labor Day our unemployment rate won’t be as high so that more of us can understand the true meaning behind the holiday. In these times it seems bitter sweet.

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Strange Encounter in the Loo

The building I work in houses many professional businesses. Many of which are medical facilities, the whole realm from basic medical to specialty dental.

While in the public restroom for our floor, I encountered a bratty display of hilarity.

Brat with Impending Dental Appointment (BWIDA): (Whining to her Mother) You ALWAYS make me brush before the dentist, I hate it!
Mother: Oh honey, it won’t kill you. You brush while I use the facilities.
BWIDA: (Heavy sigh) Fine!

I am now out of the stall and washing my hands, BWIDA at the sink next to me. She is brushing her index finger vigorously while I am washing my hands, casting glances at me to see if I will give her up.

Mother: Are you doing a really good job?
BWIDA: Oh yes! I am all done.

I am drying my hands as the Mother comes out of the stall to see her newly “brushed” precious daughter happily sucking down a milkshake.

Mother: What was the purpose of brushing your teeth if you are going to drink the milkshake? You’ll have to do it again!

Poor Bratty McBrat Brat…..

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Wanted – Acting Lessons

It must just be me.

Could I possibly be the only woman on the planet who does not enjoy any type of shower? Wedding, Baby - none of it.

When the genes for shower adoration were being passed out, I must have been in the extra sarcasm line. It’s not that I am jealous or dislike the shower recipient; I just don’t have the warm and fuzzy feeling while each gift is being opened.

Here, I will practice the typical reactions heard during the gift reveal:
1) Oooooooo
2) Ahhhhhh
3) Awwwww
4) That would look perfect on the baby/in your new home/on your wedding night.


Good, right? Help me. Have I missed any of the key audible responses? I need you!

Perhaps a dose of insulin is indicated. You know for all the sweetness.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

You Know Things are not Going Well…..

…..when your car gets towed from the Employee of the Month parking spot.

Unfortunately, I came upon it as the car was being hooked up to the rig. I am not quite sure if the car in fact belonged to the employee of the month or if someone parked there in error.

If it was the former, that is one hell of a way to find out you are no longer employed. If it was the latter, the guy got exactly what he deserved.

Discuss.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Mood Enhancer

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I find this photo makes me smile. It has been one of those days.

If it works for you also, then you are most welcome.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Card Carrying Teenager

happy 14 Lil Wicked

It’s official, Lil Wicked is a teenager. We have survived tweendom and are moving full throttle into sophistication. I knew we’d hit the milestone when she asked me to help pack up all her beanie babies, gone all of them. Oh Boy!

I wasn’t too sure about the whole Auntie thing fourteen years ago. I am extremely happy to report that Lil Wicked has been a real joy, the best first niece EVER!! Who else would put up and enjoy (for the most part) the antics of this Aunt? Lil Wicked, that’s who. I have enjoyed the young woman she has developed into and cannot wait to see what the future brings.

Join me in wishing Lil Wicked a very Happy Birthday!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Let Freedom Ring!

Happy 233rd Birthday America!

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You all have a safe and Happy 4th!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Dear Mr. Overzealous Supplier:

I know that I generate copious amounts of reports each work day and your bailiwick is to anticipate my toner needs. However, in case you have not noticed, I do not appreciate you popping in every other day to inquire about my toner supply. Even I cannot kill that many trees as well as cloud the atmosphere with toner dust.

While I am ranting, may I suggest that if you stayed in your storefront it would greatly eliminate your ability to whine about how little time you have each day? We have Alexander Graham Bell to thank for the invention of the telephone. If I need toner on an urgent basis, how about I simply dial your digits; you have heard of Mr. Bell’s accomplishments, right?

In closing, please stop bothering me. If this is a ploy to flirt with me, I am not interested in married men. If this is simply your selling style, let this be my way of letting you know that from now on, Staples.com has just become my BFF.

Thank you to the following gentleman Kleinrock, Licklider, Roberts, Kahn, Cerf as well as Ms. Perlman for their contributions for inventing the internet! You may want to read up on them also.

Hugs & Kisses - Wicked

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Current State of Healthcare

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This is one of many amusements I encounter on a daily basis, enjoy!

Staff Member #1: (sending global e-mail to all) Here’s your afternoon funny: A patient told us she would pay after she was seen. Before she left, the receptionist asked for her copay and she said she had to go to her car to get her wallet. The receptionist asked me if that was okay and I told her the patient had to sign the deferred copay form because once she reached her car she would be gone. When the patient was told this, she opted to leave her children in the office as collateral.

I think I need to call my mom and thank her for never using me as a loan.

E-mail Responder #1: Did she come back????

E-mail Responder #2: I have 4 kids – could I drop them off there sometime too?

If I could make this stuff up, I wouldn’t be writing for free.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Pre-Emptive Strike, Three and You’re Out

Thankfully, I don’t have to attend many meetings at work. Fortunately I fly under the radar in that arena. Trust me I have plenty to do; meetings would only hamper my progress.

I am required to attend an alleged quarterly meeting which now has morphed into an odd schedule. Regardless, the debates and subsequent platitudes that get launched is nothing less than comical. Even more hilarious, all but 2 people in the meeting understand where the conversation turns when the incorrect clich├ęs are used. When eye contact ends and frantic doodling or shuffling of documents takes over, it’s a good guess that many in the room are completely lost; and they pay me to attend.

To put the nail in their own coffins, those out in the ether will intertwine the triteness into a follow up e-mail once they’ve returned to their office. Seriously, I should be paying them.

This has to be why flasks were invented. Hiccup!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Stating the Obvious

I returned home to find half of my tree laying in my front yard. I was away for the weekend and while gone, my pear tree was hit by lightning. Thankfully, the huge limb fell directly into my yard without injuring any property or individuals. It simply fell on the grass without malice waiting to be removed. No harm or foul to anyone else.

After spending a couple of nights away from home, I was eager to crawl into my own bed, watch the Tony’s and drift off to sleep. My plan was working until my doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone and since it was 9 pm I decided to ignore it. The bell rang two more times followed by incessant knocking. Whoever was at my door was not going away. I made myself presentable and answered the door.

Wicked H: (Opening only the main door, my storm door is always locked) May I help you?

Man with Dog: Hey, did you know your tree fell?

Wicked H: No? Seriously? What is it that you want?

Man with Dog: Just letting you know the tree fell.

Wicked H: Do you often knock on doors of total strangers at this hour?

Man with Dog: Well, I saw the tree and thought you should know.

Wicked H: It’s a bit hard to miss, but thanks all the same. If there is nothing else, I bid you farewell.

I locked the door and got ready for bed, again. Of course it took me quite a while to unwind. I have to admit that when I heard the insistence of the knock, I figured there might be a fire in the vicinity and a kind soul was alerting me to that fact. Instead I get a botanical report from what I guess is either a nosy neighbor or someone casing the joint. The whole scenario would have made sense if the tree was blocking the man’s efforts to walk his dog or the tree was laying on his property or vehicle. None of these was the case.

All I wanted was a peaceful end to my weekend. Instead I get Gladys’ husband and their dog.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Time Flies

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It seems like just yesterday that I got the call BS was going in for an emergency cesarean section. I was in North Carolina and she in Maryland. By the time I traversed I-85, the Beltway and pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Little Wicked was hours old.

Today is her graduation from Middle School; which means in September she’ll be attending High School. How is this possible?

I just finished watching the monthly VHS videos sent to me so I wouldn’t miss her hilarious toddler antics. I will not soon forget the first time she sought my advice via phone. She had gotten into trouble as a 4-year old. She was upset because she made a “misnake.” I tried not to laugh, but what are Aunts for? The next thing you know we are at the Naval Academy swimming pool cheering her on. Hopefully she wasn’t too embarrassed. The way we were carrying on, you’d a thought she was competing in the Olympics. Only last year we sent her off to Fiji, New Zealand and Australia as an Ambassador for the People to People program.

Lil Wicked, I cannot wait to see how you continue to turn into this fantastic human being. I am sure that all the mischievous traits you have inherited from Aunt Wicked. Keep in mind that it takes brains to be precarious.

I am so very proud of you today and ALL days. Happy graduation!!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ring Around the Hallway

I work in an office building with the standard layout; the elevator is in the center of the hallway forming a square column. It’s a five story building with perhaps six to ten suites on each floor depending on the size of the business.

I have twelve suitemates and lately they’ve been grumbling about the goings on in the hallway. You see the restrooms flank the elevator one on either side. It appears that there a couple of women of Asian descent who circle the hallway three times a day. You can set your clock by their walks. Militant strollers we have coined them.

Generally how one wants to stretch their legs on any given day should not be an issue. However, these women who are small in stature walk side by side which would also not be odd except that they are on their cell phones chatting up a storm. It has been determined by my suitemates that one may be conversing in Mandarin and the other Vietnamese. (Apparently, I work with linguists, who knew?) The point is this; they are so engrossed with their conversations that they are unaware of the traffic jam they create. They move rather swiftly on their rounds however if you encounter them at the entrance of the restroom they do not yield the right of way. This is causing great discord for the entire floor.

Once while waiting for the elevator they passed me ten times. I’ve watched the group of engineers also with offices on the floor try to suggest that they walk single file to no avail. I have decided that this is their way of retaliating against perhaps a smoker who gets a few breathing treatments in per day. Others in my office are dying to know why they simply do not exercise outdoors. For some reason we are reluctant to ask. Perhaps it is because none of us speaks either Mandarin or Vietnamese.

The quandaries of life such as they are, I have altered my restroom times. I don’t have the energy to dance with the militant strollers. Suggestions anyone?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Greatest Casualty is Being Forgotten

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Freedom Is Not Free

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
He'd stand out in a crowd.
I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years.
How many had died on foreign soil?
How many mothers' tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom is not free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
when everything was still
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant "Amen"
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
Of mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
with interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington...
No, freedom is not free.


Author Unknown

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Forgive Me Blogosphere...

...It has been two weeks since my last post. What can I say, the weather definitely affected my mood? I could serve penance. Instead I’ll give you a brief recap of life in the land of Wicked.

* Recently, The Troll appeared in our office. Fortunately for her, our receptionist had not a clue as to her identity. I am sure her balloon was deflated but don’t you worry, she’ll be back to visit.

* I have learned of the passing of a treasured Uncle of very close friends of our Family. When they hurt, we hurt. “P” my heart is heavy for you and the entire family - hugs.

* Also, a work friend is watching her young daughter slowly pass before her eyes. The fact that the whole scenario is happening and that I can do nothing to ease her pain, breaks my heart.

* Pet Whisperer and Fly Boy are making progress on the retirement home. I am well aware that I may have to bail them each out for committing felonies against the builder and his wife, the decorator. On the upside, once the waterfront castle is built, I have my own master suite. Yay!

* Google, Little Wicked’s golden doodle, committed rabitcide. He thought it was a play toy wandering in his yard and it met an untimely death. Google reported that the rascally rabbit tasted more like chicken.

* Little Wicked is graduating from Middle School and on her way to High School. OMG!

There you have it, some ups and downs. Instead of reciting Hail Mary’s I am going to whip up a batch of martinis and hope the bad things come to an end soon.

How’ve you all been?

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Wanted: Crew to Help Build Ark

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Enough already! Rain, you are killing me.

I keep humming the theme to “Annie” but it is not working.

I am gathering animals two by two. Needed second emu.

If not available, please send sun!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Dear Mr. Squirrel(s):

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Spring is here. I have filled the 2 bird feeders on the deck and you are more than welcome to graze on them until your feeder arrives. Yes, you read that correctly. I have bought you and your furry friends you own feeders.

Nothing makes me happier than sitting on my deck watching the birds and you and your compatriots frolicking and feeding. I draw the line at your destroying the flower boxes and eating my tomatoes and herbs. I beseech you to keep away from the foliage and vegetables.

You have one week to get your act together. Otherwise, I will be dousing the flower boxes and herb and veggie garden with capsaicin powder. With my luck, you’ll use the tomatoes and herbs and make one spicy batch of salsa.

If I have to build chicken coops around everything, I will. Don’t make me count to three!

Hugs and Kisses

Wicked

Friday, April 17, 2009

Kismet

Please join me in wishing both my Parents a very happy 80 something birthday. I believe we stopped counting after 80. We should all be so lucky to have our health after that age.

It had to have been destiny that brought my parents together. Same birthdays, day, month and year. Born in the same country but in different cities. If I am not mistaken, Mom may be a few hours older. It is rare, as are they.

I am blessed to have been raised by such a pair. They are a trip without luggage, in the best possible sense.

Here is to many more Mom & Dad. Wishing you happiness today and ALL days.

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Hugs and Kisses Wicked and the rest of the Gang

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Principles of Proper Grammar

(This was passed on to me. After I fell off my chair from the laughter, I decided to share - enjoy!)



On his 66th birthday, a gentleman got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being
persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that,
you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can
perform as long as you want."

He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!



ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dear Department Store Portrait Photographer:

I use the term photographer very loosely. I am sure that you have been trained in some capacity to arrange a multi-generational family in order to snap a few photos. Although, after our session today, perhaps you are a product of the employment down turn and this is your interim job.

In case you missed the training or it was above or beneath you, I am going to give you a few pointers. Like it or not, you are in a Customer Service business. Would it have killed you to demonstrate of modicum of pleasantness? Your constant scowl was more than a little off putting. Our family consists of three generations ranging in age from 2 through 84. Asking my parents to straddle a coupe of pieces of styrofoam was crossing the line. Luckily Maternal Countessa did not allow them to even attempt the pose. After that, things went downhill.

It is no wonder that the pictures you presented us with were less than par. There were 9 of us in the portrait. Between you asking me to kneel in a very uncomfortable and awkward position and then asking us to wave frantically at some sensor above our heads to get your flash to work, it was quite difficult to agree upon any pictures. To be honest, I only agreed to the one so that our ordeal could end quicker.

This picture far outshines the one we purchased:

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I wonder who took their photo?

Maybe next year we will do more research and find a photographer that will a) actually enjoy their work and b) their enjoyment will rub off on us.

Love and Kisses - Wicked

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Change is Good

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I spent this weekend packing, moving and unpacking my office. In the soon to be seven years working for this company, I have moved locations a grand total of 5 times.

This time I had a team of 7 moving with me. Previously, it has always been just me moving; we have since grown. I have the procedure down to a science; my team mates were struggling. I now posses a sweet corner office with a panoramic view of Lord & Taylor at Fair Oaks Mall and a birds eye view of Route 50. If you are a local reader and ever need a traffic update, just let me know. My team mates are so thrilled to be in such close proximity to a Mall. I, being allergic to shopping, am not that impressed.

I am simply happy for two things; 1) my own office and 2) to continue my employment with a company who is in a growth spurt.

Change is good. Change is inevitable. In our case, for now, change is security.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Laughter, Always the Best Prescription

Physicians' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package:

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pis$ed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the as$holes in Washington.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Can You Hear Me Now?

Recently it was my turn to be supportive of my older sister the Brain Surgeon. As life does, it threw her a slight curve and she had to take the role of patient. No need to panic, all is well.

While waiting for my sister to get through her minor surgical procedure, I had the displeasure of sharing the Ambulatory Surgery Center waiting room with one other person. We all deal with stress in different ways. Suffice it to say that the gentleman in the waiting room deals with stress by remaining connected. Who needs three cell phones? Seriously! This guy had one blue tooth dangling off his ear, one on his belt and the other in his hand. I thought the folks in NYC were terrific multi taskers until I spent two quality hours with Mr. Connected.

Not only was he able to conduct three simultaneous phone conversations he was also able to follow his stories on TV. So much so that during key scenes of One Life to Live and General Hospital he was able to stop his conference calls temporarily and focus on plot lines.

He was able to solve the following problems during his wait:

* Arranged child care for the baby
* Line up 8 detail jobs across the bridge(Bay Bridge) which would earn him $500 each
* Give one of his family members incorrect directions to the Surgery Center
* Use his pocket knife to clean his nails
* Continue to give wrong directions to the Surgery Center
* Figured out who attacked the female character on the stretcher on One Life to Live
* Gave up on directions and handed one of the cell phones to the receptionist who guided the family member to the Center
* Received a recipe for soup from one call; simple soup - chicken necks simmered in water
* Attempted and failed to help someone with homework, “wait for your Mama to get home”

Oy! I was exhausted just listening to him. Although he was a great distraction.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Mother Nature Goes Through Menopause

See this?

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Friday it was 70 degrees here!

My office never closes for weather, today is the first time.

Thank you Mother Nature!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Most Excellent Adventure!

What do you do when your good friend lets you know her husband is out of town for the weekend and she does not want to stay home? You jokingly suggest a road trip and she agrees!

Since we did not come up with this epiphany until late last night, we are simply hitting the road and wherever we end up will begin the adventure. It goes without saying that the martini back pack is at the ready and we both decided to bring an overnight bag just in case.

Check, check and double check.

Will give full report upon return. This is how we roll.

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Have a great weekend, I know I will!

Ciao!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Marketing 101 ?

Sign over a Gynecologists's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
At a Tire Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

Friday, February 13, 2009

Because Only Friends Know What is Best for You

Look what I got for Valentine’s Day!!

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The instructions are as follows:
Place your lucky grow toy in a large container of room temperature water. Your grow toy may take up to 10 days to grow completely; up to 600%

What more could I need???

Will show you what he looks like in 10 days.

Happy Valentine’s Day one and all!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Annoyances

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I am a firm believer that if you are contagious, you should stay at home and keep your germs to yourself. I do not understand those who show up to infect the rest of us with no regard for the better good. People, use your days off wisely. If I hear one more co-worker bemoan the PTO (paid time off) system of our workplace as the perfect excuse to spread the plague, someone is going to get hurt.

Our trip to New York was fabulous but I contracted the cold that was being spread by at least 5 co-workers. Once my health resumes and I get my work caught up, I will give you all the details.

If you catch this awful cold, guaifenesin is your friend. Take the maximum dose, ingest ibuprofin and acetaminophen alternately every four hours, lots of hot tea, rest and for the love of God, do not infect your workplace. Take the time off!!!!!

Stay well friends.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Start Spreading the News

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The sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked are headed out to the Big Apple.

Originally we were going to take our Uncle who was visiting. Since his plans fell through, we decided why not? Our only concrete plans are the hotel reservations. We have no itinerary; these are the best trips. I am sure we will catch at least a couple of shows and of course much walking, sightseeing and great food.

The martini backpack is all stocked and ready to consume. You all have a great weekend. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. If you do, don’t forget to share.

See ya!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Potato, Potah-to....Dallas, Dulles

Helpful hints from Wicked H:

If you have any family members planing to visit you from overseas, make sure that whoever is purchasing their plane tickets understands the intricacies between Dallas International Airport and Dulles International Airport. Trust me, we learned the hard way.

Despite being separated by oceans and living on separate continents, my family is very close. We take a visit from any member very seriously and with great joy. We were all ready to send out the welcoming committee to Dulles on Friday afternoon, my favorite Uncle was flying in for a month long visit. A week before, my elderly parents were in constant contact with him and the family overseas and reported the flight numbers to me as I was in charge of picking him up from Dulles.

It is a very long, drawn out story. The Reader’s Digest version is this; his final destination was Dallas International not Dulles International. The only silver lining in this story is that he realized the error while still in his home country rather than either Frankfurt Germany where he was to change planes towards the U.S. or even worse he was waiting in Dallas and we were waiting in Dulles. Due to the lack of his English language skills, his ailing health and elderly age, he chose to cancel the trip altogether.

I can’t say that I blame him, it doesn’t make us any less disappointed. My further helpful hint is to be very anal about reservations for such a trip. Triple check your airports before buying the ticket.

(The music by George Gershwin, the lyrics by Ira Gershwin)
You say eether and I say eyether,
You say neether and I say nyther;
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto,
You like tomato and I like tomahto;
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

8-6-7-5-3-0-9

This was sent to me by my sister the brain surgeon:

Call this number (215)475-5083 It will provide a smile......no tricks involved

You think she is trying to tell me something?

Monday, January 05, 2009

National Theatre Intermission Decorum

Dear Male Patrons of the Jan 4th Matinee Showing of West Side Story:

Perhaps it is the anxiousness caused by the recession. Although with a packed house, it’s hard to believe one exists.

I can be 100% honest when I tell you that when I JOKINGLY suggested that the 47 women in line to use the facilities storm the men’s room of the balcony level in an effort to move the process along, I did not think anyone would listen to me. I was horribly wrong.

It is with my sincerest apologies that my female fellow theatre goers took over your sacred room. When you gotta go, you just gotta go. I held out for the ladies room just to be clear.

I believe when the women started snapping their fingers and quietly hummed the Jets anthem, you guys lost the battle. Ooops. I promise to keep my opinions to myself, next time.

If you are in the area or the show will stop in your city, I highly recommend it. I would also suggest you getting a script for Detrol, then everyone attending can avoid the intermission debacles.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked