Friday, December 29, 2006

Ring Out the Old, Ring in the New

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So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen , goodbye to 2006. All in all not a bad year. Typical really with the normal personal trials and tribulations. The world is not a better place than previous years, we’ll see what 2007 brings. I am hopeful that the state of world affairs won’t get worse.

I don’t make resolutions. Rather I try to use my powers for good and not evil. My wickedness appears if warranted, but maybe less in the coming year. No promises.

Whatever you do to ring in the new year do it safely. Here's wishing you more happiness than all my words can tell, not just alone for New Years Eve but for all the year as well.

Adieu, adieu. To you and you and you. See you in 2007.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Sometimes, it’s the Principal of the Matter

I don’t always have to be right. However, if I am personally wronged, I will get to the bottom of it in a manner that allows me to move forward.

Over the summer, I updated a few appliances in my kitchen. The appliances that I replaced were old but worked fine. I made arrangements with a couple of the offices I work with to see if they wanted any additional kitchen appliances. Typically, the medical office kitchen will be supplied with others’ leftovers. I found homes for all three appliances.

I work with many lovely people. The one I am referring to is a hypocrite. God love her, but I finally had to put an end to the madness. She professes to be a very ecumenical person. Good for her. I am religious too; I just don’t advertise every divine act of kindness.

This incident involves a microwave that was to be transported to one of our satellite offices. The receiving office had a microwave that was so old, I am pretty sure it was leaking radiation with each use. Ms. Ecumenical volunteered to transport the microwave to the other office. Great! My act of kindness is complete or so I thought.

The following week, Ms. Ecumenical announced that she decided that my microwave would be better served at her little church rather than the medical office. It was not a big deal, I wanted someone who needed it to have it and then I’d take the write off for tax purposes. I told Ms. Ecumenical that was fine and to please bring me a receipt for the microwave.

Fast forward to today. For the past 6 months, once a month, I have been reminding Ms. Ecumenical to bring me a receipt for the donation of the microwave. Each time she comes up with some story about how her church is small and they don’t have official receipts, blah, blah, blah. I asked her to scribble it on their letter head and that would suffice. She said that would be a good idea and still no receipt.

Yesterday after hearing about the lovely time she spent at her church and all the activities surrounding Christmas, I asked her again for the receipt or I asked her to bring the microwave back so I could donate it to someone who would furnish me with a receipt. She told me she had the receipt and that she would bring it the next day. I reminded her to make sure the receipt had the Church’s name and address on it.

Today, I received the microwave back.

I knew all along that the microwave never made it to her church and that she was using it herself. Now the fact that she wanted the microwave for her own purposes was not an issue to me. It was the smoke and mirrors and the lying of where the microwave ended up.

Ms. Ecumenical will now be referred to as Pinocchio. Also, anyone need a microwave?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Best Present Ever!

Hopefully Santa was good to each and every one of you. Either you are still hanging out with family and friends, rushing off to the stores for even more shopping, cashing in those gift cards or dealing with returns.

I am at work, no rest for the wicked or weary. I received many nice things, hard to believe I know. The absolute best gift was this:

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A martini backpack! I am going to set it up in my office and see how long it takes to get me into trouble.

Wish me luck. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere in the world!

Friday, December 22, 2006

However and Whatever You Celebrate, Do it Safely

I still believe in Santa. Hope you all do too.

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In an effort to not leave anyone out, I henceforth wish to you all:

Merry Christmas/ Happy Hanukkah/ Happy Kwanza/ as well as Happy Solstice!

Joyeux Noel
Frohliche Weihnachten
Kala Christougenna
Mele Kalikimaka
Mo'adim Lesimkha
Shubh Naya Baras
Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Buon Natale
Shinnen Omedeto
Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Pax Hominibus
Wesolych Swiat
Boas Festas
Sretan Bozic
Feliz Navidad
God Jul
Noeliniz Kutlu Olsun
Gute Vaynakhtn

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Yuletide Commercials

For the most part the commercials are endearing. They even warm my cold, dark heart.

However, if the marketers at BMW thought that the screeching kid was going to make me purchase their vehicle to keep him safe, they absolutely missed their mark. If I see that commercial one more time, I am going to triple mortgage the townhouse, by the BMW and run that kid over repeatedly.

Happy Holidays BMW, enough with the obnoxious kid already!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up

This was my initial thought as I when I went head first into my steps yesterday. I guess the combination of shuffling my feet while wearing a pair of mules just is not recommended. My right shoe came of my foot as I was ascending the first step which happens to be concrete. Thankfully I landed mainly onto my left knee and left wrist, they pretty much took the brunt of my fall.

Even better, there was only one neighbor to witness the event and she did not come running to my aid. It took me a few seconds to make mental note of pain and possibly broken bones, but other than a pair of badly bruised knees and an even more aggrieved ego all is well.

Maybe I should ask Santa for a Life Alert necklace for Christmas

Sunday, December 17, 2006

To My Fellow Bloggers of the Blogosphere

Congratulations on being named Time Magazine's People of the Year.

How cool is that? I am proud to be among you.

We can make a noticeable difference.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Jingle Bells, Holy Hell, Work is out of Control

This is what I get for partying 2 days in a row on company time. It was well worth it but the backlog is about to kill me.

Think if I just start guzzling eggnog and let the numbers fall where they may anyone would notice?

Let me start and I will get back to you.

Party responsibly, kids!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Social Butterfly

Whew! Hard to find time to blog in between end of year work loads and Holiday Parties. The benefit of working for a large organization with multiple sites? I get invited to more than one Christmas party.

So far the gathering of loot is excellent. I ended up with a gift that suits me to a tee. Of course in the process I snatched six other gifts in the exchange mayhem, but it’s one of the reasons I get invited. If I weren’t there, they would boringly get up and pick a present from the pile and be content. NOT!!!

Also I got smooched by a couple of Federal Worker Types at the Reston McCormick and Schmidt. It was some sort of Holiday Scavenger Hunt type deal and I was the lucky recipient of a couple of mystery pecks. Don’t you just love the Holidays?

Off to another Secret Santa gig this afternoon. Will report back with any pertinent details.

Ho ho ho!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Genetic Distribution

Well it took only 4 phone calls, an act of Congress and maybe 3 e-mails but I finally got my family to visit me at my house. Stop the presses!

I told them all that when I lived in NC they visited me more often. Oh well, I am grateful for the few and far between visits. Because the time of the visit was also an issue, I decided on serving an afternoon tea. It was not your ordinary high tea menu but it worked out well. Everyone seemed happy with the spread and so far no phone calls telling me anyone was poisoned. If I have to say so myself, I learned from the best my Mom so I wasn’t as worried about how the food would taste. Rather, I was more worried about catering to the picky members of my family. It all worked out.

Afterwards we took two carloads and went to the Bull Run light display. If you live in the area, it is really beautiful this year and I’ve already been through twice. I highly recommend it. While we were enjoying the display, Sous Chef Mermaid asked her dad (my BIL) what the distance to her step sister’s house was from theirs. BIL explained that is was the same distance to her house from theirs as it was to my house, just in opposite directions. Here is where the genetic code is very important.

Even in the darkened car, I could see the gears turning in Mermaid’s head. They usually travel to BIL’s first daughter’s house sometime during the Christmas Holiday. Mermaid said if they were able to carry all the gifts involved to her step sister’s house which also houses his two grandsons, then it shouldn’t be an issue bringing the rest of the gifts to my house. The discussion started because I asked where and when we’d be having Christmas this year. As you may remember, my Father cancelled Thanksgiving. I offered up my house again and was told by BIL that he couldn’t not cart all of Mermaid’s gifts across the Beltway. I have to cart mine across the Beltway to them.

In any case, Mermaid tried to use the genes she inherited from me to set the scenario so that Christmas could happen at my house but it will not happen. No matter, we will stick to tradition and I will traverse the Beltway for the festivities.

So far we have had one phone call regarding the subject. I am sure we will have to discuss it at least 12 more times before we are tearing into our packages.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Internal Fatalism

Last week this time I had the worst 5 hours of my life. I had discovered a breast lump earlier in the week and had much pain in the same breast. I used to work with a surgeon who treated many cases of breast ailments so I was pretty sure what I was experiencing was a cyst. However, I also knew that if it was a simple cyst I shouldn’t be experiencing them at this point in my life. Not much panic at this point, huge amounts of concern.

Last Friday, I made an appointment with one of the female providers I work for to see if she was going to feel the same lump that I did. It turns out that one of her long time patients had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer after having had a negative mammogram. She entered the exam room fraught with anxiety over her patient and began my exam. I also had a negative mammogram recently. When she found the lump she froze for a millisecond. Enough time for me to internally panic. She finished the exam, told me to get dressed and that she’d return momentarily.

When she came back in my room she had an order form in her hand that had me scheduled the same day for another mammogram, an ultrasound and a biopsy if indicated. Engage internal panic mode. I was fairly convinced that what I had was no longer a simple cyst. This particular provider is very conservative so her urgency to get me in that day freaked me right out.

I had to wait 5 hours until my appointment, I was very lucky to be able to be seen the same day, but the wait was agony; too much time to think. In my case, knowledge of the outcome was a very dangerous thing. I wished I was ignorant to the whole process; it may have been easier to endure the delay. I stayed at work trying to concentrate on the tasks on my desk hoping that they would squelch all the thoughts that were running through my head. It was mildly effective.

Once I got to the radiology center and was brought back to get undressed, my mind went into overdrive. I had convinced myself that after the visit I would be diagnosed with breast cancer. I would have the surgery and begin chemo and radiation. Would I be bald by the time my niece arrives in early March? What hat would I wear to the Billy Joel concert I’d be attending in Raleigh in March? Should I even keep my hair appointment for the following week? What would be the point of touching up roots that will no longer be there? Would I be one of the lucky ones who would kick cancer in its ass?

Twenty minutes of internal fatalism. It was brutal. Finally it was my turn to be seen. I was taken to the ultrasound room first. I was pretty sure my internal panic was just that, I wasn’t crying hysterically or anything, the very kind radiology tech knew I was upset and was trying to get my mind off the reason I was there. She was really great. I was positioned and the radiologist came in and began the test. Thankfully, my ailment was a cyst but not just one, five of them all concentrated to one location; thus making the lump an odd consistency.

I am very strong for friends and family when they have any type of ailments. I don’t take the fatalistic approach. I am strong and optimistic for everyone else. When it comes to me though I take the fatalistic outlook so that I can only be pleasantly surprised; I prepare myself for the worst thinking that will get me through. I don’t recommend that to anyone, it ages you.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Tis the Season to be Mean and Rude

I just returned from the Post Office where I foolishly thought I could get in and out in a few minutes. In my defense, I went at 10:30 am thinking the lunch time would definitely not be the best strategy.

When I arrived, I was greeted with a line almost out the door. Fourteen of Santa’s helpers were online patiently waiting their turn. Each had at least one package to send. No big deal, it’s the Holiday Season; even I can muster up some good cheer. I was there to pick up a package that needed a signature. It’s the one present my Dad will hopefully love and use, a rare thing for my Dad.

An older patron was at the counter wielding her scooter, she was told that she had to step out of line long enough to fill out some type of form because her package weighed more than one pound. She was also told that as soon as she completed the form, she could return to the counter. Right about that time, another postal worker asked the crowd if anyone was there to pick up mail only. Score!

I passed Santa’s Elves and produced my postal receipt and once I proved who I was, off she went to fetch my package. Scooter Woman rolled back to the counter and presented her form interrupting the transaction that was currently in action. Her postal worker, kindly and gently asked Scooter Woman to make sure that the multiple copy form she filled out was legible on the last page. It was not. Scooter Woman demanded something to write on rather than rolling back to her original location to complete the form. The postal worker told her she did not have anything.

Scooter Woman was not happy. She put the scooter into full speed and dangerously rolled back to the counter with such force that when she stopped she lunged forward and onto the floor. As a kind patron was attempting to help her back into her seat, she yelled at him and told him to back off. My package was brought to me. I had to pass the woman to leave the post office. I asked her if I could be of assistance and she barked at me also.

Whatever and a Happy Holidays to you too Scooter Woman.

Why is it that the Holiday’s bring out the absolute worst in some people?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Epitome of UnProfessionalism

I am a specialty snob. Let me explain. I believe that if there is a medical specialist to handle a medical issue, I am going to seek them out. There is a reason certain specialties have much longer residency time frames. It takes years to hone a craft.

With that in mind, yesterday I went for my yearly Ophthalmology appointment. I purposely choose not to see an Optometrist. The woman that I see is very good and I have absolutely every confidence in her ophthalmology practices. While spending time in her waiting room, I found it odd that she had a loop video of the “Thredi-Lift” procedure. I now know that there is new fangled way to perform a face lift, it involves threading suture material right under your skin, pulling it upwards towards your scalp and then somehow anchoring the threads. Then presto, bingo you’ve got a facelift. Again, why this was being advertised in an ophthalmologist’s office was weird maybe only to me.

While in the exam room chair with my eyes fully dilated during mid exam, here is the conversation the doctor and I had:

Doc: You know Wicked, I do Botox injections.

Wicked: Excuse me?

Doc: Botox, it’s so worth it.

Wicked: Gee Doc, if I didn’t feel a little insecure about having to get a stronger eye glass prescription, your asking me if I wanted a botox injection sure did not do much for my self esteem.

Doc: Oh! Well, um….

Wicked: No offense to you Doc, but if I am going to seek any type of vanity procedure, I am going to go to a Board Certified Plastic Surgeon.

Needless to say, the topic of Botox went right out the window and she was stumbling all over her words until the end of the exam. Thankfully, I am not that vain when it comes to the aging process. It happens, I will color my hair to get rid of the grey but I really am not that worried about wrinkles. If you don’t like me the way I currently am, that is really your problem.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Dear Geezer in the Mini Van:

Although watching Pet Whisperer have a near meltdown because you were too stingy to want to pay the toll on the Greenway was mildly amusing, making us late for our 7:15 dinner reservation was not nice. Even though I don’t use the toll road all that often, I do know that during the weekends if you don’t own a smart tag exact cash is the way to go. If not, AVOID the toll road at all costs.

Geezer, your life was in jeopardy. Not only were you not paying the toll, you were arguing with the toll booth attendant who obviously did not have a good grasp of the English language. This may have been entertaining for you, not so much for me and Pet Whisperer who were directly behind you along with 6 vehicles behind us filled with your worst enemies. Perhaps you didn’t realize the cacophony of horns was in your honor. Maybe you’ve lost your sense of hearing as well as your obvious lack of common sense. I was going to wish that you had 4 flat tires upon my return, but I really don’t need that type of karma. A shout out to the supervisory toll booth attendant who wrestled you and your vehicle away from the booth so the rest of us could get on with our plans.

Geezer, in case you care, Pet Whisperer and I had a lovely dinner in historic Leesburg. Seafood prepared with an Italian flair and a new martini to add to our repertoire.

Friends, have you had a tiramisu martini? If not, why not? Get thee to a saloon toute de suite and tell them Wicked sent you.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Santa Unedited.....

I knew Santa and I had many things in common.

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G. I. Joe's, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you
up with a Barbie.

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
or your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
my self silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?



That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!