Friday, April 28, 2006

Officially in the Weeds

It's been a week and a half. As usual I will use humor to get me through this day. Enjoy and have a great weekend!

There was a young lady who was totally exhausted from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time for her to end her work day and go home.

As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant, "T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of going home and relaxing the weekend away.

It so happened that there was a man on the elevator with her and heard her jubilant exclamation.

His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T."

Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man correctly and she was determined not to let this man ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her, so again she stated more strongly, "T-G-I-F!" and glared at the man, daring him to repeat his obscenity.

The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T."

This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F...

'Thank Goodness it's Friday.' What is wrong with you!?"

The man was amused at her outrage and with a smirk on his face replied,
"S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... its THURSDAY!"

And with that walked off the elevator with a spunky step.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Public Nuisance

Last night’s dismissal of Pickler reminded me of a story that occurred while I was living near her neighborhood, low many years ago.

I had been living in NC for about a year when I returned up here to visit with old friends. We were at a movie theater watching a flick. For the life of me I cannot remember which movie we were attending.

Our movie chatter went something like this:
Friend: Do you think you can come up for the housewarming party.
Wicked: I don’t know, I might could.
Friend: What did you just say?
Wicked: …..
Friend: WHAT THE HELL IS MIGHT COULD? YOU EITHER MIGHT OR YOU CAN, YOU CANNOT MIGHT COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wicked: In NC you can!

Right after that stellar come back, we both got kicked out of the theater for disturbing the other patrons.

From that point on, while I resided in NC, my friend would refer to me as Daisy Duke.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Dear Chain Smoker:

How very odd, in so many way.

First of all, what made you choose our parking lot an obvious place of healing to enact your morning routine? The first time I noticed you out there, I figured you were either lost or early for an appointment and you decided to smoke one before you found your way. However, it has become a habit for you. You park right in front of our conference room picture window where we are sharing our morning chatter. I didn’t even have to point out your activities, they are so distracting, and the whole office enjoyed the spectacle.

Exit your vehicle. Light one up. Puff and spit. Puff and spit. Reach the end of your first cigarette and reach into the passenger side of your running vehicle, grab another one and use the stub to light the new one. Puff and spit. Puff and spit. Rinse, lather repeat. Enter your vehicle, pull out of our parking lot and turn not 100 yards into your parking lot.

Now, I know the spitting thing is definitely a man's thing. How on earth did you master the skill? How very lady like. NOT. Why don’t you simply smoke in front of your own office building? Are you trying to hide your nicotine addiction? Do you return for each smoke break? If not, how do you get through the day?

We have decided to look out for you throughout the day. We are that concerned for your well being. We may even leave nicotine patches or gum out there where you usually park. If nothing else, we’d be happy to take care of your health once the cigarettes erode it.

Hugs and Kisses….

Monday, April 24, 2006

Freedom to Gather and Pray

There was a big to do in DC this weekend. It seems that members of several churches feel that their right to pray is being infringed upon. You see for years, the city has allowed them to Double Park in order to attend their services. It seems that now residents who are being blocked in have asked the authorities to enforce the rules.

I don’t understand why the church goers are so upset. The right afforded to us by the constitution is freedom to gather and pray. Not freedom to break the law by double parking which infringes on your neighbors right to come and go freely. If your place of worship has limited parking, make arrangements to get their in plenty of time to attend the full service.

What happened to do unto your neighbor as you would have them do unto you?

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Adventures of Cruiser

Yesterday, while walking my dog, I heard a cat meowing in the distance. My neighborhood is relatively quiet around the time I return from work. I didn’t pay much attention to the sound until I got closer. As we rounded the corner it was apparent that the sound was a cry for help. The frequency of the meows increased. I couldn’t see where the cat was until I saw his owner desparately pushing a tree back and forth. About 100 feet up in the tree perched Cruiser the cat. As we got closer I could see that the poor fellow was stuck in the tree.

Cruiser’s owner asked to borrow my elderly dog. I asked him what he thought Dexter could do. He replied that he wasn’t sure but that he was frantic at that point. I have never been a cat person, mainly because I am allergic, but I didn’t understand how placing a large dog at the base of the tree was going to lure the cat back down. I suggested maybe putting a bowl of food or treats at the base and perhaps Cruiser would eventually come down. His owner shrugged and continued to shake the tree.

As we continued our walk, I could still hear Cruiser meowing. It was a sight because at the far end of the neighborhood you could see Cruiser meowing in perfect time to the tree movement. It reminded me of a metronome.

I am happy to report that during this morning’s walk, Cruiser was no longer in the tree. Crisis averted!

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Is there a nice way to let a co-worker know that the stories she repeats ad nauseam have gotten old? I am all for polite chatter at 6: 30 in the morning but could we at least talk about current events?

Let me preface this by letting you know that she has nothing but good intentions and is one of the nicest people on the planet. Seriously. This explains the slight pang of guilt I am feeling while typing.

Here are the topics that should be off limits from now on:

Because she doesn’t want to feel sleepy while commuting, she purposely keeps the heat off in her vehicle.

She feels that the company we work for should really adjust their hours of operation because she lives in East Jesus and drives over an hour to get to work.

Anything relating to or involving the word deer. You had a bad accident over 2 years ago, please move on.

Traffic related items that only relate to the area in and around East Jesus, you chose to move out there why must we suffer?

We had a bit of a change up this morning. We just finished discussing where I get my hair done because her son is getting married in May and she really feels like she should try to cover her gray but doesn’t know if it’s worth the expense but she wants to look nice but she should probably get it done soon because what if it doesn’t look good and she would be mortified and her husband doesn’t want her to change…………………….

Hey, at least she didn’t grab my hair.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

PC Awareness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."



6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.”


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."



7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. it’s not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Living Will

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, a wife and her husband were discussing life and death. He told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out
all of his beer.

Be careful what you wish for…..

Monday, April 17, 2006

Strange and Wonderful Coincidence

Today is my parent's 81st birthday. You read it correctly, both parents. Same birth dates: same day, month and year. Mom is an hour and a half older. They were obviously destined to be together. My sister's and I could not ask for a better pair of parental units.

Please join me in wishing my folks many more, healthy happy years.

Happy Birthday Mom & Dad!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Friend or Foe, State Your Business

I attract oddities. I wish I had the imagination to make some of this stuff up.

Last night, after leaving my hair appointment, I stopped by the store to quickly pick up a few items and then head home. I was in a bit of a hurry as my dog probably had all four of his legs crossed.

Shopping does not bring out my best. I don’t enjoy it. It is definitely not a social activity for me; more of a task. I was waiting on line to pay for my purchases when a woman, a stranger to me, walked up to me put both hands on my hair and asked where I got my hair done. I found it to be a bit odd. If I am admiring another woman’s hair style, I usually tell her it looks nice and then ask where she goes. I have yet to accost someone I don’t know by grabbing their hair. I handed her my stylist’s business card and started putting my items on the conveyor belt. She began telling me her hair woes.

Thankfully my items were paid for and bagged in record time. As I walked away, I wished my cashier and the woman a Happy Easter. The woman was now telling the cashier all about the issues with her hair.

Hope the Easter Bunny is good to you all!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Why Parents Drink...

Due to high work volumes, I leave you with another oldie but goodie...Enjoy!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not bothered to phone in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter,"answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......."ME!"

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I Blame Michael Nesmith’s Mom

Co-Worker: "Why don’t you have any white out?"

Wicked: "Because I never make mistakes."

Since then, I have made on average 2 per day, requiring me to purchase the white elixir.


Sunday, April 09, 2006

Incessant Chatterer

I try to make my mani/pedi experience as zen like as possible. I purposely choose to be the first appointment on a Sunday as most others have ethereal obligations during that time. So far my choice has been sound. I am not a high maintenance woman but I try not to miss the opportunity to make my extremities look nice. It makes me feel good, one of a few vices.

With my massage chair set to a gentle hum, I usually close my eyes and enjoy the attention being given to my feet. This morning I was jarred out of my meditative state by the other client at the nail salon. She was justifying her egregious error of visiting another facility.

You see two weeks ago, she came to this salon without an appointment and found that it was far too busy for her to wait. She went on her way and decided to go shopping with the notion of returning within thirty minutes. One thing lead to another and she did not return and the following day went to another salon. She was quite unsatisfied with the service performed there and was happy to tell everyone within ear shot.

This conversation was repeated at least five times. After the first time, I did not care why she went elsewhere neither did her nail tech, mine nor the other two employees present. I am telling you this woman, who was as friendly and pleasant as can be, would not shut up. She was perfectly happy babbling to no one in particular. I honestly believe that she was talking simply to hear her own voice. I know that she works in the finance department of a car dealership, she is the proud grandmother to one with another on the way, she has three children one of which is still not married, an owner of two springer spaniels who get let out of their crates by a neighbor who is paid $40 per week, she used to play baseball and that is why her feet are so ugly ( her description not mine)and her pansies are quite happy with Saturday’s rain. And on and on and on. None of this information was asked for, it just came and came and came.

When she was finally done, she vowed to the shop and it’s inhabitants that she will return faithfully every Sunday morning from here on out.

Oh joy!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

When the Moon is in the Seventh House

I am not sure what is happening. Perhaps aliens have invaded and taken over the life forms of my entire family. For the past few days we have been communicating via e-mail. The subject is the upcoming birthday celebration of our parents. Usually there are accusations of one party being left out or another party not participating yet trying to take credit. This time we have cooperation. Unbelievable!

This has to be the first time on record that as a group we are lobbing suggestions and not a single participant is putting the kibosh on any of it. Could my parents’ wishes and dreams have come true? Is it possible that their three adult children and their 2 son-in-laws can coexist in harmony?

Stranger things have happened.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Trouble Shooting Phone Technicians

Is it too much to ask for the help desk trouble shooting techie to have a good grasp of the English language? Seems counter productive if I have to spell out the words “family” and ‘practice” to the person I am depending on to get me back online.

Perhaps I am too demanding.

Lady Terps

National Champs! So very proud of my alma mater.

Always fear the Turtles!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Oldie But a Goodie

Lowered inspiration levels lead me to old jokes. Pun entirely intended.



Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench seat one morning. The 87 year
old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his
friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so
much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat
Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the
counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any Italian bread?" she said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" he said, "
Yes, I want 5 loaves." she said, "my goodness, 5
loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard?'
He replied, "Holy Shit, everybody in the world knows
about this Italian bread thing but me

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Dear Neighborhood Woodpecker:

I love Spring. Love it! I look forward to hearing the birds chirping and the pollen flying while things are blooming. Armed with my Zyrtec, this is my absolute favorite time of year.

What I do not love, however, is your seeking out unnatural sources with which to hone your pecking skills. Trees, good. Aluminum siding at 5 am on the weekends, not so good. In fact just stop now. Hop back onto your choice of trees and do what you naturally do on a tree.

Consider yourself warned woodpecker. I am not beyond purchasing a gun and using you as target practice the next time I awaken to the sound of jack hammering on my siding.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked H