Wednesday, December 21, 2011

This Greeting has been Cleared by my Attorney

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)


From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 22nd day of December two thousand and eleven.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Holiday Season Version 2011

Oh the Holidays......

I know we all have the unique quirky family dynamic. Each one of us has stories to tell.

Instead of waxing poetic or nauseous, let me simply give you a snippet of an attempt of planning the Family Wicked's Thanksgiving:

(I phone my elderly parents on Monday November 15th)

Wicked H: Hi Mom and Dad, do we have any plans for Thanksgiving this year?

Mom: Oh, well Brain Surgeon told me it was at your house this year.

WH: Really? I hosted last year, let me check with her and I'll get back to you.

(e-mail to Brain Surgeon(BS)asking what if any plans there are for Thanksgiving right after the phone call with Mom)

BS: I got your e-mail, what is the plan? I am off for only Thanksgiving.

WH: Ok, well Mom said that you told her it was at my house this year.

BS: I DID NOT say that. In fact Thanksgiving never came up in our last conversation.

WH: I figured, maybe she was remembering last year. In any case, I vote we have it at Mom & Dad's house. She can make only the Turkey, we can bring all the rest.

BS: What about Maternal Countessa aka Medical Technologist Extraordinaire?

WH: I tell you what, let me call mom & Dad and make sure having it at their house is ok and then in order to end ANY miscommunication I will shoot everyone an e-mail. That way we all see the responses as they come through.

BS: Deal, talk at you later.

(I call and confirm with Mom & Dad that these plans are sound and send out the e-mail. Recipients include BS ( Older sister) and her husband, Medical Technologist Extraordinaire ( younger sister) and her husband as well as my parents.)

My phone rings 30 minutes later, it is Medical Technologist Extraordinaire MTE

MTE: Hi Wicked, I hear you are hosting Thanksgiving this year, I just talked to Mom.

WH: No, Mom is hosting. It will be at 4 pm, she is making the Turkey the rest of us who can come are bringing all else. I just sent an e-mail

MTE: Oh, well we are going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I did not read the e-mail.

WH: No problem, if you could just reply to all then we can all be on the same page. BS and I will bring the rest of the food.

MTE: What are you bringing?????

WH: I don't know yet, nobody has answered the e-mail. But what does it matter, you won't be there you said.

MTE: What about Christmas?

WH: Well usually the married sisters do Christmas on the actual day and then we figure out the rest. Maybe Saturday will be good this year. Although you should just ask that question when you reply to all for the Thanksgiving e-mail. That way BS and her husband can let us all know if that is good for them.

MTE: I'll think about it.

Oy. Vey. Maria!

Here is hoping you and yours enjoy a pleasant holiday season.

For me, there are not enough grapes on the planet to keep up with the impending wine consumption.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Don’t Cry Wolf for Me Argentina

I love my family with the heat of a thousand suns. We were raised to love, honor and respect one another.

My Mother is the eldest sibling, had plenty of love and attention growing up and to this day she is the most respected member of the entire family. This is not something you can learn, you either earn this standing in the family or you don’t. She wears it very well, she deserves it. She lives for it.

She also has an ugly character flaw she loves drama. Specifically the type of dramatic flair that Aesop would have envied while penning “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” perhaps he knew my Mother. I have never understood the crying wolf strategy. I mean why does she feel the need to bring it into play?

Both of my parents are elderly at this point and have watched younger family members and dear friends pass away. I understand that with each passing they gauge their mortality. Thankfully for their age they are healthy both mentally and physically. Of course there are changes as each year passes but we are so lucky to have functional parents. May the rest of their years on this planet be healthy, happy ones. Amen.

As she ages, my Mother’s drama spirals out of control. Today I called Mom from work just to check in. The Great White Retired Psychiatrist (my Father) answered the phone in a mood. This is not unusual for elderly parents. This is how our conversation went:

GWRP: We are trying to do the best we can…
Wicked: What’s going on Dad?
GWRP: Here, talk to your Mother. She will explain.
Drama Queen: (barely audible) Hello?
Wicked: Oh hi Mom, how are you?
DQ: (HEAVY SIGH)……….. (Followed by a short of breath) not good.
Wicked: What is wrong?
DQ: My legs are heavy (deep sigh) I am dizzy (sigh) I just don’t feel right. I am sure it will pass, if not know that I love you.
Wicked: Maybe you should call your doctor.
DQ: No, I don’t want to die in a hospital.
Wicked: Are you dying?
DQ: In case I do, just bury me somewhere.
(During this exchange, she was yelling orders to my Dad to put this there and that over there. She is hosting the weekly lunch with 2 of her closest friends one hour from this phone call)
Wicked: Maybe you should cancel the luncheon.
DQ: Just make sure my burial plot will have a nice view of a meadow.
Wicked: Sure thing Mom. I know Dad wants a cement bench and a plot near the cemetery’s restroom so his visitors won’t have to worry about emptying their bladder. Brain Surgeon wants a fountain. Do you have any special requests?
DQ: Just that you visit regularly.
Wicked: You got it!
DQ: (Heavy Sigh) Well…I need to finish my preparations.
Wicked: Ok, tell the ladies hello.
DQ: (perkily) I sure will – kisses…bye.

Maybe she does this so I can keep the internets amused?

Thursday, July 07, 2011


Lil Wicked, 16!

July 8th - OMG

It seems like only yesterday I was driving like a crazy woman up I-85 trying to get to the hospital before she was born.

For full disclosure purposes, she coined herself Lil Wicked and still does as far as I know. As my first niece I cannot express to you how proud I have been her entire life. I am sure to wave the proud Auntie flag well into the future. I know I am biased and perhaps they are growing them smarter these days, but this kid/young adult has an incredible knack for social problem solving. She shows more grace than 5adults combined. I have learned so much from her poise and attitude.

Does she have rough spots with her parental units? Of course she does, which one of us hasn’t? Some of us (ahem) still do.

On our last trip to NYC, our dear friend Frances who had met Lil Wicked for the first time said that she had magical story telling abilities. You do not want to argue with Frances because she is absolutely right. I am privileged to have such a fantastic person as my first niece who is speeding through life and allows me to take part.

I cannot wait to see how your life continues to unfold, Lil Wicked. You have made me a better person. I love you! Wishing you happiness, ALWAYS!!!!!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Schmucks R Us...Not!

Do people actually fall for this?


Dear Customer!
PARCEL #: EG2272

You have a parcel contaning an ATM CARD worth Eight Hundred Thousand Dollars
[$800,000.00USD] with us at the FedEx delivery company. Your delivery
charges has been paid for. All you have to do is to re-confirm your
information with the correct mailing address and make a payment of
$210USD only [Two Hundred and Twenty Dollars Only] for the security
keeping fee of the said parcel.

For your information, the delivery Charges, Insurance premium and
Clearance Certificate Fee of the ATM CARD showing that it is not a Drug
Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country have all been
paid for. You have to contact the Dispatch Office now for the delivery of
your Draft with this information below:

Contact Person: Bryan Smith
Email Address: Email:
Telephone:+234 816 4075 882

Please reconfirm your details:


Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except
$210US Dollars as stipulated by the company. They would have paid that
but we said no because we don't know when you will contact us and in case
of any demurrage.
Finally, make sure that you re-confirm your Postal address(s) and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery.

Yours Faithfully,

Ms. Dora Williams,

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


My soon to be 16 year old niece has given my name as a reference for her part time job at a church.

First of all, almost 16 – OMG!!!

Secondly, has she met me?

I called Lil Wicked to make sure I had my ducks in a row before returning the call to the humble servant of the Holy Something or Another Church. Our conversation went something like this:

Lil Wicked: Hey, whassup?

Wicked H: I have a very serious and important message from Louise of Holy Something or Another Church. You haven’t sent a complaint about me straight to the Pope, have you?

Lil Wicked: What?? No! She needs to know about me since I have been stacking and un stacking chairs every Sunday.

Wicked H: Haven’t you been doing this for a while?

Lil Wicked: Yes, not sure why she wants the reference now.

Wicked H: No problem, are there any topics off limits?

Lil Wicked: Like what?

Wicked H: Well, is it alright if I let Louise know what your stripper name is? I can fib and let her know that is strictly a strip club for Holy Rollers.

Lil Wicked: (uncontrolled snorting)

Wicked H: I’ll take that as a yes then. Good Luck on Finals!

That kid, she can count on me!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Music Heals the Soul and Adds Much Needed Humor

Some of the 1960's Hits Are Being Revived! Some of you may remember a few of these old tunes!!  These artists are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers and those of us who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Denture Queen
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure,  and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Only in New York

As we were exiting the performance of American Idiot, we noticed barricades being set up outside the theatre for the last showing of The Merchant of Venice. We were more than a little excited to be in the presence of the real Michael Corleone.

We stood vigil behind the barricades and security tape, cameras at the ready. A significant crowd was forming. After an hour of waiting one young voice in the crowd behind me asked her Mother why we were waiting. The youngster just did not understand,she proclaimed: "CAPPUCCINO? We can get that at Starbucks!!!"

Twenty minutes later, out came Al Pacino who signed dozens of autographs, ascended his ride and waved to the crowd blew us all a kiss and drove off to the wrap party. Hoo-ha!