Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween!!

Treats for the kiddies and Gin & Tonics for the parents.


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Monday, October 29, 2007

Blog Obstruction; Blogstipation If You Will

Friends, my name is Wicked H and I am creatively stymied. I have looked high and low for some blogospheric fiber but alas I am marooned.

There is much going on with me just none of it very humorous. Rather none that I can put a jocular spin on at the moment. Work is precarious to say the least, life is good no complaints on that front. Actually I am on the verge of losing my “black sheep” title. Long story for another time.

Cut me some slack. I’ll get back on track. I promise. In the meantime, enjoy this lovely photo of my birthplace. Lets’ make it interesting; can you tell me where I was born?

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Thursday, October 25, 2007


Someone sent me this and since I can’t be creative this week, I am sharing one last item not written by me.

If you can read this without laughing out loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting fo r me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other garbage too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny kid to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Dumb barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for service s today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Monday, October 22, 2007


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The Hell you say!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Staph Resistant Viruses

The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

No clue who the original author is, but I'd certainly buy them a round or two.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Wax on, Wax Off

After today, I now understand why my sister, the brain surgeon, cringes anytime someone picks her brain regarding medical conditions during her off time. (Pun not intended but sometimes I just crack myself up!)

I took the day off to visit my favorite dentist. He has the typical open floor plan. The two exam chairs in the rear of the office are separated only by a glorified partition that houses various and sundry dental equipment. In other words, whatever is going on in chair one is easily heard by me in chair two. I cannot see who is in chair one but I did make a concerted effort after the following scenario:

While lounging uncomfortably in my chair one, I am listening to the conversation between the patient in chair two and Missy, the worlds most gregarious dental assistant.

Missy: So I noticed you were walking funny as I brought you back here, what’s going on?

Chair Two Occupant (CTO): Groan, long story....

Missy: I LOVE stories, we got nothing but time. Did you forget which dentist you were visiting?

CTO: Well the Reader’s Digest version goes like this; new girlfriend in the picture, she’s into uh grooming. Well, you get the idea....

Missy: Grooming? What did she do, ask you to wax your back or something?

CTO: Um, yea. Something like that.

Missy: (Now with checking on me) How you doing Wicked?

WH: (using hand gestures because I am biting into a mold of my entire mouth) O.K.

Missy: (leaning in to whisper) Did you hear about the back waxing?

WH: (continuing on with the gestures and shaking my head and point to the nether regions)

Missy: What?? Ohhhhhhhhhhh. (Now talking over the partition to CTO) Hey, we think you are walking funny due to a hinterland accident. Are we close????

CTO: (Audible groaning).....

WH: (I have to pull the mold out of my mouth to keep from choking on my laughter)

Missy: (Now back on CTO’s side) Well how bad is it? Anything we can help you with? You better be in love with this new girl, third degree burns are just not worth it.

WH: I can suggest silvadene cream with a light dressing till it begins to heal and then if you must groom, maybe Neat or Nair might be the way to go.

CTO: Um, oh thanks. How do you spell the name of the cream? And not only is she no longer in the picture, I will be keeping my bits furry as the big guy upstairs intended!

I honestly did not know I’d have that much fun at the dentist today. I was unable to see what he looked like but I cold hear from his gait that he was most definitely limping.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Importance of the Pecking Order

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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

** Moral of the story:**

Always let your boss have the first say.

Friday, October 12, 2007

What Cancer Cannot Do

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Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Author Unknown Winter 1999

What we can do; yearly mammograms and monthly self breast exams. Ladies, teach your significant others how to examine your breasts. Might as well be both pro-active and have fun at least once a month.

Although I recommend as much fun per month as humanly possible, the breast exam only needs to be done once.

Use your imaginations....

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Hot! Behind!!!

I wish!

What kind of gift do you get your sister the brain surgeon for her birthday? The same exact gift I got last year, only this time it was even better. Chef Danielle made an encore appearance at the Mcmansion to show us gals how to prepare a gourmet brunch.

Our menu consisted of mushroom and three cheese strata, blueberry-stuffed french toast, roasted parmesan asparagus with poached eggs and bacon and pecan waffles with caramelized bananas. We prepared all of them ourselves with the careful supervision of Chef Danielle. Of course there were Mimosas a plenty and Lil Wicked was a lean, mean, chopping machine.

We learned all kinds of tidbits from Chef Danielle, the gossipy kind. For example; a certain TV Chef, who I affectionately refer to as Bobble Head with the new Boobs, makes certain that everyone on her set knows that she is a married woman. Calm down Bobble Head, anyone can buy boobs. Also Chef Danielle has worked for a fancy schmancy author whose wife’s assistant informed our dear Chef that Mrs. Author does not speak with the common folk and to please refrain from asking about her child proof door knobs. Whatever!!!

We also learned all about the lingo one must sling around whilst in the kitchen. That would be about the only time I would have ever heard “hot behind” in my lifetime. At least I heard it!!

Lil Wicked asked that next year we schedule Chef Danielle for a midnight snack cooking class. The Chef looked right at me and stated that if the martini back pack makes an appearance, so would she. Apparently last year’s key lime martini became a big hit on her party list.

My pleasure Chef. I will begin working on the midnight cocktail. See you next year!

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Thursday, October 04, 2007

Two Score and Five Ago....

....Wicked H was born.

The rest, is history or the future. I guess it depends upon your perspective.

In any case, here is one of my favorite pictures. Behold, the bathing beauty that would become Wicked H.

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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Not Your Mama’s Pampered Chef

Last weekend I was invited to a Pampered Chef party hosted by a coworker. My first experience at one of these parties was pretty unsettling. I was surrounded by a bunch of Stepford Wives whose biggest concern was to fight over which one of them would be able to add an ingredient to whatever was being prepared. So I was unsure as to whether or not I should go.

I bit the bullet and decided to go; I need to get myself out of my comfort zone. First I have to say that our hostess lives among the beautiful people and if town homes could be considered Mcmansions, then she is living in a neighborhood full of them. Let’s call them Mcmansion Juniors. The décor of the Mcmansion Junior was straight out of Martha Stewart Living, gorgeous not my taste but very nice. I shit you not when I tell you that when I went into the guest bathroom, the toilet tissue’s corner was fanned in a way to make it extremely convenient for me to use. Who has this kind of time and energy? I thought about going back out of the bathroom when I saw the toilet paper to retrieve my phone for a photo op but I thought it would be very déclassé.

The Pampered Chef Representative was very easy going. She had a good idea of the crowd quickly and tailored her presentation accordingly. I cannot explain to you how thankful I was that we did not have to endure the twenty minute Q&A about the differences between baking and cooking. Seriously, if you don’t know the difference, there is no need for you to attend one of these events. Her spiel was very entertaining as well as informative. Hey any woman who can sell me the latest measuring device by relating it to the amount of alcohol in one shot is one hell of a salesperson. Not only did I get that question correct, she also hurled a piece of chocolate at me. Score!!

A few mimosas and one hundred dollars later, I was on my merry way. Oh if you are in the area, I am hosting a “bits and beverages” party in November. Shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get you on the list.