Friday, December 30, 2005

Happy New Year Everyone!

Happy New Year Recipe
For Peace & Happiness

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months,
see that these are thoroughly free from
all old memories of bitterness, rancor,
hate and jealousy; cleanse them
completely from every clinging spite:
pick off all specks of pettiness and
littleness; in short , see that these
months are freed from all the past;
have them as fresh and clean as when
they first came from the great
storehouse of Time.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one
equal parts. This batch will keep for just
one year. Do not attempt to make up the
whole batch at one time (so many persons
spoil the entire lot in this way), but
prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put twelve parts of faith,
eleven of patience, ten of courage, nine
of work (some people omit this
ingredient and so spoil the flavor of
the rest), eight of hope, seven of
fidelity, six of liberality, five of
kindness, four of rest (leaving this
out is like leaving the oil out of the
salad, don't do it), three of prayer,
two of meditation, and one well selected
resolution. If you have no conscientious
scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of
good spirits, a dash of fun, and a pinch of
folly, a sprinkling of play, and a
heaping cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and
mix with vim. Cook thoroughly in a
fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles
and a sprig of joy; then serve with
quietness, unselfishness, and
cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year
is certain.

Author unknown

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Dear Neighborhood Exhibitionist:

Wow. Just wow. I have so much to say; too much adrenaline surging to collect my thoughts.

Your dancing prowess is exemplary. That whirly thing you do with your member is really quite amazing. Have you had any professional training?

Are you aware that while you are practicing your American Bandstand™ moves in the nude at 5:10 in the morning in front of your bedroom window with the curtains open, you are effectually giving the neighborhood a show?

For the record, I would like to point out that I did not seek out this performance. Dexter, my dog, happens to squat right across the street from his home. I will say that I have not needed my morning caffeine fix. Adrenaline surges are better stimulants that boring ole caffeine.

Rock on Dude! I’ll, um, see you tomorrow at 5:10 am.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Get a Room

To the couple who are obviously quite enamored with each other, I beg you, take it elsewhere.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for expressing ones love but not in front of my picture window while I am trying to eat lunch and complete year end financial reports simultaneously.

Have some decorum.

Plus I really don’t have the time for a cold shower in the middle of my work day.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Early Christmas Present

Redskins 35 Giants 20

Thank you St. Nick!

Friday, December 23, 2005

A Politically Correct Christmas Story

A little something to enjoy in this crazy time. Be safe everyone!!!

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Copyright; Author Unknown

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

This Greeting Has Been Cleared by My Attorney

(A little something in the continuing vain of political correctness)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 20th day of December two thousand and five.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What the Bleep?

I always find it highly amusing to gather a bunch of people and their respective significant others together in the spirit of the Holidays. This group generally would not socialize together.

Snippets of conversations overheard while mingling:

“He was dividing up the pieces of shard into individual tea cups”

“That just wasn’t what I pictured her husband to look like, well done.”

“I really should to move on, but you know I am vested now.” ( One spouse referring to another)

“This coffee table, did you know that it really isn’t here?”

“Wait. Does this movie have any farting references? If not, I don’t want anything to do with it.”

“Really? I prefer to only frequent topless beaches.”

“Yes, children do say the darndest things. I totally feel that orgasms should be completely explained if they ask.”

“Existentialism and bouncing neutrons, now there is something I can wrap my head around.”

“This is making my brain hurt.”

Nothing says Seasons Greetings like intelligent discussions fueled with spirits.

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Friday, December 16, 2005

Animals are Really People in Disguise - TGIF


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Enjoy the weekend everyone. Don't let the Holidays stress you out too much!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The End of the World as We Know It

Yes friends, the DC Metro area is expecting a “wintry mix” starting later this morning and lasting through the afternoon/evening rush hour.

For those of you who had to rush to the grocery store for the wimpy snow fall we had last week depleting the area of milk, bread and toilet paper, I would like to ask that you refrain from leaving your homes. You should be entirely stocked and really if you can’t handle just snow you will not be able to handle snow, then sleet followed by rain. Followed by who knows what else.

You will thank me later.

I thank you in advance.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Tis the Season to Stop Engaging your Brain

Last night I took my dog into the Vet for his routine blood work. This was a scheduled visit with a Vet technician. Our goal was to draw some blood, figure out if the values were within the correct limits and refill a couple prescriptions.

One of the blood tests could not be preformed because Dexter’s prescription ran out 24 hours prior. I should have known better, but I too am guilty of disengaging my brain this Holiday Season. The Vet technician returns Dexter to me and we have the following exchange:

Vet Tech (VT): We couldn’t do the thyroid test because his last dose was over 24 hours ago.
Wicked: No problem, if you’ll give me some more medicine, I’ll bring him back for the test.
VT: We can’t.
Wicked: Why not?
VT: We can’t give him the medicine until we do the blood work.
Wicked: We are at an impasse then because if I don’t have the medicine to give to him the blood work won’t get done.
VT: Right.
Wicked: (trying to keep my cool because amongst all this we have a lab puppy whimpering loudly, a shepherd puppy barking even louder and a lap dog snorting uncontrollably. A cacophony of reverberating sound) May I speak to the Vet please?
VT: Okay
Vet: I don’t want to give out a full prescription until we know the lab results.
Wicked: Which we can’t do unless he continues with the medicine.
Vet: Right.
Wicked: Do you people have SAMPLES????
Vet: Oh! Of course, I’ll bring them right out.

So my advice to all of you is to engage your brain or simply do not go out in public right now.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Barbie Dolls, Limited Edition for Northern Virginia

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NoVa dolls for
the Northern Virginia market:

McLean Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at
Neiman's in Tyson's II. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Falls Church Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

Manassas Barbie: This recently paroled former "Porn
Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash; preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Great Falls Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Reston Barbie: This former Dot Com Barbie cashed in
her options before the bust and now "works from home doing freelance
consulting" until the kids get older. She comes with a huge house on a tiny lot, and she channels her formidable energy and intellect managing the extensive social and athletic activities of her three kids, each of whom plays two sports, takes piano and karate, and is on the chess club. A member of the PTA, this Barbie is famous for running her daughter's Brownie troop like a Fortune 500 company ("Do we really have a solid ROI on Girl Scout cookies?"). Her greatest personal accomplishment this year was outmaneuvering the other uber-mommies to be selected as Room Mother for her son's second-grade class. She comes with AOL Ken, accessorized with a Porsche, giant gas grill, and flat-screen TV equipped with Tivo.

Woodbridge Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in
her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and
Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sterling Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. There is also a Percocet prescription available.

Leesburg Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired
Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel
from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house.
Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Available with a mobile home.

North Arlington Barbie: This doll is made of actual
tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits,
no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you
call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you
purchase two North Arlington Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

South Arlington Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only
Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three
back seats, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Arlington Barbie or Ken.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Best Christmas Gift Received So Far. Probably EVER

I know, I should not have opened my present before the big day. There was no indication on the package requiring me to wait, so there.

My very good friend , HFS, as usual pays attention. I received a great card with HFS Jr.’s school picture which already has a prized spot on the refrigerator gallery. The package contained a t-shirt with conceivably the most apropos statement: “Let me drop everything and work on your problem.”

Considering the new leaf I have turned over, the t-shirt could not have shown up at a better time. I have decided to wear it under everything and when the situation is right, reveal the message to the defeatists of the world.

Thank you HFS!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Yes Blogosphere, There is a Santa Claus

I took a Mental Health Day from work today to begin my holiday shopping. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to announce that my shopping excursion was completed in record time and with no injured or otherwise traumatized individuals.

We will celebrate this day next year. I began and finished in 2.5 hours. Let the festivities begin!!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Snowy Conversations from the Past

Scenario: Working in East Jesus NC where snow is a rare occurrence. Running 5 medical facilities with about 50 staff.

Group of Excited Locals (GOEL): Wicked!!! It is snowing!!
Wicked: Indeed, it’s very pretty.
GOEL: We need to go home early.
Wicked: It just started, let’s see what happens. It’s still melting as it hits the ground.
GOEL: But you don’t understand, we need to make snow cream.
Wicked: Excuse me. What is snow cream?
GOEL: You aint from around here, are you?
Wicked: Nope.
GOEL: Snow cream, is ice cream made with snow. Only you don’t make it from the first snow fall.
Wicked: (Knowing I probably don’t want to know but I ask anyway) Really, why is that?
GOEL: Because the first snow is polluted, it’s dirty.
Wicked: Okay. But you know the snow falls through the same atmosphere each time.
GOEL: But the first snow cleans the air of it’s pollution.
Wicked: Blink…..Blink, blink.

Sometimes I wish I was back where life was simple. Most times I don’t.

We just had our first snowfall of the season in the Metro Area. It could not have been more perfect. Just enough snow to make it pretty but not enough to snarl traffic.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Clever or Ignorant

We all have had to fill out medical questionnaires when visiting a medical establishment for the first time. They are pretty important tools for your provider. They are even better tools for the ancillary staff.

Today one of my co-workers was giggling uncontrollably as I walked by. Of course my curiosity got the best of me. There is a section on the questionnaire asking sexual orientation. One of our patients answered the section by stating very active. I asked the co-worker the age and occupation of the patient. I was trying to determine if they were being clever in an effort to give someone who reviews the document a chuckle. The patient was 34 and under the section regarding work history, he replied “lots.”

Alas, the patient wasn’t clever, just obtuse. At least he is having fun.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Selfish Countessa

It is a sad state affairs when you think you might need an impartial arbitrator to be able to decide on a group gift for your parents. For the love of all that is holy, the holidays seem to make most family situations less palatable.

I used to think Selfish Countessa’s ( a.k.a. younger sister) issues revolved around her longing to be “Sadie the Married Lady.” Well she recently celebrated her 1st anniversary and she is less tolerable now than before the nuptials.

I mentioned before that I am the middle daughter with two sisters, one eight years older the other 8 years younger. We basically missed the typical rivalry issues to due the age range. No complaints on that front. The dynamic we ended up with was a very strong bond between me and Brain Surgeon (my older sister) and a basic forbearance of Selfish Countessa.

It seems Countessa doesn’t understand that the pecking order traits need to be modified in adulthood. I feel I am a bit old to be reprimanded by my parents after she whines to them about some perceived injustice against her Highness.

I have the unenviable task of setting up a meeting among the three of us so that we can, once and for all, iron out whatever issues we seem to have. It is not going to be pretty. First of all I need to find a location that is central to us all. Enough of me always bending to fit everyone else’s schedule. I have a life too. Finding said location will involve Selfish Countessa having to navigate the beltway. Did I mention she does not do the beltway. My feeling is we need to figure out why all the animosity. If we can repair the damage, wonderful. If not, so be it. I am not sure that one can change their ways as an adult. Selfish Countessa seems to have this sense of entitlement that is not warranted. Brain Surgeon has anger for deeds past, present and future. I admit to holding a few grudges for deeds past as well but have relegated myself to forge ahead.

Wish me/us luck. Hey Santa, if you are out there, throw us a bone. Would you?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A Reminder to the Sisterhood During this Season of Imbibing

When we girls drink too much:

We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “WOO-HOO”, is truly the sexiest dance move around.

In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.

We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them soooo much.

We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “OH MY GOD! I love this song.”

Our eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think that it looks exotically sexy.

We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight.