Monday, September 26, 2005

Plop Plop, Fizz Fizz...

I used to transcribe medical dictation for a group of orthopedic surgeons. I enjoyed medical transcription. It could get quite tedious but it was a good learning tool.

The owner of the practice was notorious for his time management skills. He put them to good use while dictating. The good doctor would dictate everywhere. Among his favorite locations: while navigating traffic, during his lunch break while chewing his food and of course while on the toilet.

One day after transcribing for 6 hours straight, I got a little giddy and decided to relieve some stress. I transcribed the tape exactly as it was dictated. It took some doing, but I was able to type out every, honking horn, expletive, burp, slurp, fart and plop. Once I was done I passed it around to the other transcribers, we all had a good laugh and continued on with our tasks.

My fatal error was placing the non edited version of the patient note on the chart for the doctor’s review and signature. Needless to say, he was not amused. That was pretty much the end of my transcribing hijinks. You’d think someone that creative with his time would have had a better sense of humor. I always seem to learn the hard way.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Fixer Uper For Sale

I received this via e-mail, thought it was apropos:

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.
"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.
"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."

The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Dear Door to Door Home Security Sales Woman:

Although you had no idea that I was home from work and very ill when you rang my doorbell repeatedly, you really should have picked up on the cues that I had no desire to speak to you about home security issues. Not at the time and while we are at it, EVER.

If I am not mistaken, you even had the gumption to mention to me that you thought I looked like wasn’t feeling well. Hello, freaking ding ding!! Then move along with your sales pitch lady. But no, you decided to ask me inane questions while my elderly dog was also bothered by your existence.

The whole scenario became quite satisfying to me when I learned later that you knocked on my neighbor's door immediately after mine while sobbing. You complained to the neighbor that I scared you and was rude to you. Poor baby.

For the record, if you choose to wear hot pants and attempt to present yourself as a respectable business person while annoying me, you are going to get your feelings hurt. If your goal was to allure the men of the households you were visiting with your bimbo get up, then may I suggest knocking on the neighborhood doors during the weekend when you might find more men at home.

Take your act somewhere else sister. If I decide to buy a home security system you better understand that it will not be from a scantily dressed chippie knocking on my door in the middle of a work day.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Dear Office Larcener:

At first I thought what you were doing had one purpose, to annoy your fellow staff. Now I realize that you have a serious problem.

There are many avenues still open to you if you would simply come forward, admit you have a problem, then we can get you the help you definitely need. The longer you continue on this spree, the uglier it will get for you. You know the drill, stop while you still have a fighting chance to use your monkey as a bargaining tool.

Forget that we have individuals walking around with prescribed controlled substances in their possession. Forget that those individuals really shouldn’t be on the clock while under the influence of said substances. Perhaps they are not. I surely hope not. All this does not negate the fact that you have turned our work place into an unsafe zone.

If it comes to drug testing your jig will be up in 24 hours. Then being unemployed will be the least of the evils you will endure.

I implore you, take the opportunity to turn yourself in and use the system to get the help before the addiction completely takes over. It can’t possibly be worth it. Unfortunately for you, I believe you don’t currently have the ability to see that far in the future.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Flatulence on a Budget

While sight seeing in Italy this summer, my B-I-L had one of his gastro-intestinal warnings. Not wanting to risk public humiliation in a foreign country, he did the clenched sprint to the nearest public restroom.

Turns out it costs 8 Euro to fart in Italy. Beats free sharting any day.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Color Me Surprised

The first place I ever rented was a gorgeous lake house. I was very fortunate in that the East Jesus, NC market was not really set up for rental property. I had driven to NC with the sole purpose of finding a place to live before I made the move. I spent an entire day being shown houses to buy even though I repeatedly told the real estate agent that purchasing a home was not on my agenda. I had just agreed to move to East Jesus because the physician I was working for decided to move his practice. I wasn’t sure if I’d even like small town living, I needed a rental. I promised him that once I was ready to buy a place, he’d be the agent I’d use.

We looked the lake house one hour before I was scheduled to get back on the road north. It had been on the market over a year. I told the agent how much I liked the location and to ask the owner if I could rent it for a year. The deal maker was the fact that I would pay one years rent in advance. It was a done deal.

Because the it was a weekend house for the owner he offered it to me furnished. This was a 3 bedroom house which was furnished in typical weekend get-away fashion. None of the furniture matched. Most likely the pieces were hand me downs. It gave the house character, I enjoyed the ambiance. The house over looked Lake Tillery and had a very beautiful 3 level deck. It was all very serene and cheap by northern standards.

When I moved my stuff in, I had to empty the bedroom on the first floor of it’s contents. The closet in that room contained a metal box. It reminded me of a strong box, one that you might keep important papers or items in. The weight of the box made me think it might have a gun in it. Since I was moving it from it’s original location to the basement and because it was not locked, I peeked inside.

To my surprise, I found a cornucopia of S&M supplies. Yes friends, hand cuffs, studded dog collar and a short whip. Also in the box a few videos to complete the package. No wonder my dream lake house was a bargain. It also doubled as the weekend den of inequity for the truck drivers of the owner.

The next day I had the locks changed and asked the owner to go ahead and remove the furnishings. I really did not want anything to do with any of the contents of the house after my discovery. The owner sent his drivers to the house to collect the furniture. The first item removed, by all three drivers in tandem, was the strong box. I guess the S&M supplies were back with their rightful owners.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Frankly, They Scared Me

I attended my first, and last, Majestic Epicurean gathering a couple of years ago. A good excuse to get the ladies out of the house for a sort of bonding ritual. I was one of a few single females in attendance, all else were either SAHMs or working professional moms. All very dynamic individuals, great conversationalists and seemingly quite intelligent women. Admittedly, I had little to nothing in common with most of them being a middle aged single female. I went along to see what all the fuss was about, this event was well planned complete with written invites. It captured my interest. I do enjoy tooling around the kitchen; a girl can’t have too many kitchen gadgets.

The party began with all of us crammed into the hostess’ sun room, heavenly scents wafting from the kitchen. The Majestic Epicurean Sales Woman of the Year had us sit in a semi-circle; easier for her to make eye contact with us all. She began by asking each of us if we were party regulars or a virgin attendee; if so what was the single most reason to return and if not, why not? After the 3rd woman tried desperately to outdo the previous woman’s answer, I knew this was not the right place for me. I had no idea this was to be a competition.For the love of Julia Child, they are only peddling kitchenware. When my turn came, I told the group that this was my first party and that I had no difficulty differentiating between baking and cooking. It was a serious dilemma posed by the sales woman and you’d be surprised how many of the participants actually gasped when I proclaimed my knowledge. How can you not know the difference between the two? Don’t get me started .

Next on the agenda was an exhibition of some of the new products and the top favorites. Followed by testimonials of how some of the items have completed the lives of those in attendance. Which surprised me since 75% of them previously admitted to knowing next to nothing about the kitchen in general.

The absolute best part of this party was when these seemingly composed women were falling all over each other to be able to participate in adding ingredients to whatever the hostess was preparing. It was set up as a demonstration; of course using each of the marvelous Majestic Epicurean tools to their maximum potential.

I am quite sure this is where the writers of the Stepford Wives got their material. Be afraid, very afraid.

Friday, September 09, 2005

TGIF - Joke for the Times

The man's wife demanded he take her somewhere expensive that night.

His solution? He took her to a gas station!

Lame? Maybe, but it made me laugh.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Crazy Busy

Work seems to be getting in my way. Just no time to be witty or creative. I’ll be back soon.

Thanks to those of you who have sent me notes to check up on my welfare. All is well, just swamped with work stuff. I hate it when works cuts into blogging time.

Talk amongst yourselves…….

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Update on Little Mermaid’s Katrina Relief Effort

My niece decided that selling her items on Ebay would take too long. “People are dying,” she said. Instead she got up very early on Saturday morning, made dozens of bookmarks to be given to anyone who would donate to the cause and she packed the items on her wagon and went door to door in the neighborhood. She came away with $147.00 which her mother will match and send to the Red Cross.

We can all help, please find a way.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Every Little Bit Helps

It is unbelievable. I am having a difficult time trying to imagine what the survivors of Hurricane Katrina are facing. It is unfathomable. My thoughts, prayers and any other type of help I can come up with continues.

I am sure by now most of us had made some type of donation to the various agencies seeking assistance for the fine folks of the Southeast. Last night I was speaking with my sister who told me that my 10-year-old niece decided that the old toys that she had set aside to donate to the children of Appalachia would be better served if contributed to Hurricane Katrina’s relief effort. She asked my sister if she could sell them on Ebay and then donate the money to the cause. It may seem like a paltry amount of money but the love behind is immeasurable. I am very proud of my niece for contributing to the cause.

We can all so something.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Bow Wow Wow Wow Yippee Oh Yippee Yay

Somehow I have become the resident expert on dog care and training. I am on constant call 24/7 for the needs of Little Mermaid, my 10-year-old niece, and her parents.

You see they have added Google, a 4-month-old golden-doodle, to their family. Do they collectively have any knowledge on dog care? Not so much. That is what family and friends who are current dog owners are for, right? I have given my B-I-L ( brother-in-law) many pointers on house breaking and other general tips. B-I-L is a stay at home Dad so he has the most contact with Google. So far, B-I-L has not taken my advice and tried a few things on his own, only to be corrected by the dog trainer they now have on retainer. Imagine B-I-L’s surprise when the trainer gave him the same advice I did. Some lessons are learned the hard way.

Little Mermaid has not had much interaction with the male species, human or canine. What I am trying to explain is that she has little to no knowledge of the male anatomy, human or canine. The first time Google got “excited,” Mermaid alerted her mother to the fact and asked what was going on? Since her mom is in the medical field, she decided to take the blunt approach to the quandary.

LM(Little Mermaid): Mom! There is something wrong with Google! Something is sticking out! What is it?

BS(Brain Surgeon a.k.a. her Mom): Oh? Well.....don’t worry about it. He is fine.

We need to take him to the Vet! IT is not right. I have not seen this before!

BS: (fidgeting by now, quite uncomfortable with this topic in general; human or canine)Well Mermaid, he is really fine. He has an erection.

LM: An infection?

BS: YES! But not to worry, it will come and go by itself, just leave it alone.

LM: Oh. Are you sure?

BS: I promise, it is normal for him to have it.

BS was recanting this story to me via phone and I could not stop laughing. BS does not enjoy discussing this topic. BS tried to change the subject. Meanwhile, in the back ground I hear Little Mermaid announcing yet another infection that Google is encountering. Little Mermaid asks her Mom is there is some medicine that can be used?

BS: (Audibly groaning) No! He doesn’t need any medicine. STOP trying to touch it!!!!!!

LM: How come it keeps happening. Don’t infections get better, WITH medicine? I know. We can rub something on it.

BS: OH. MY. GOD. Don’t touch it. Just don’t!

My suggestion was to have her Dad explain the “infection” process. Just because Little Mermaid is female doesn’t mean he should be excluded by such topics of conversation. This Aunt stuff is a piece of cake. Give all the advice and sit back and watch it all unfold.

Google, what a stud muffin! Tee hee!