Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Better than the Flu Shot

(Listen, works is ka-razy! Enjoy this, won’t you?)

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Friday, November 23, 2007

I’d Rather Stick a Needle in My Eye

It is no secret that I find no solace in shopping. Let me clarify, I find no comfort in full contact shopping. Give me a computer and a credit card with a decent limit and watch me shop.

I have never understood the craziness that is Black Friday. I can tell you that between the amateur cooks breaking in their turkey fryers without reading all the safety instructions and the wacky prizefighting shoppers, we will be quite busy at work tomorrow. We tend to see many college aged kids the day after Thanksgiving along with the food poisoned and many injuries caused by early morning bargain hunters.

While you all are out there playing elf, I will be assisting in treating the infirm. Ah, the Holidays. So very good for business.

Just remember kids, Santa has begun making notes. Let the madness begin!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Planes, Trains, Automobiles and the Extended Family Reunions

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A few helpful hints from Wicked H:

1) It’s only once a year, you can get through it; yes even the most obnoxious relative and/or in-law.

2) They may promise you that the calories and carbs have been removed, they are lying to make you eat. Do what I do, save the carb points for the alcohol.

3) If it lands on your plate, you should really eat it. Unless of course you can feed it to the dog covertly under the table. Be creative!

4) It can’t be all bad, find at least one thing to be thankful for.

Where ever your journey takes you this Thanksgiving, I wish you safe and happy trails.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Off to the Spa, N’est Pas?

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Of course I will have you in mind while I am experiencing nothing but rest and rejuvenation. I also have some ocean front property in Arizona for any of you interested.

Be good kids. If you cannot be good, I want all the juicy details.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Lil Wicked, my twelve year old niece, and I were having a serious discussion over the weekend.

You see, my whole family attended public schools during our formative years. We all turned out pretty damn good if I must say so myself. It seems that living amongst the Mcmansioned requires one to send their offspring to fancy, schmancy private schools; Parochial ones. I shudder just thinking about it. To each is own is what I used to say until it hit close to home.

Lil Wicked is attending St. Francis of the Behemoths or some such institution. (Can you hear me God? It’s me Wicked H!) She was telling me that the majority of her teachers were of the plus sized variety. Let me clarify, they are plus sized female instructors who arrive dressed for class in psychedelic moo moos.

The tarp covered faculty members enjoy dolling out detentions and the like because due to their size they are restricted from keeping their students in line. Besides that, most are unable to keep the assignments up to date on the school’s web site so that the parental units can make sure their precious cargo are learning to the full extent of the several thousand dollar tuition.

Lil Wicked was explaining how most of the outfits were so distracting, it was making her eyes tear. Now, I must tell you that it took all my strength not to make fun of these educators. You all would have been so proud of me. I cleared my throat and in my most serious tone, I suggested that perhaps a petition needs to be started asking that the teachers also must wear the uniforms that the students are forced to exhibit. Lil Wicked thought about it for a moment and declared that she’d rather see a freaky frock than a mammoth woman in an plaid skirt.

Point taken.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

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Our veterans were more than soldiers. They were, and still are heroes.

Veterans Day
By Taylor Weinman

Representing the red white and blue
The colors of our flag stand out proud and true.

The white stars on blue background with red and white stripes
Remind me of these veterans, who all risked their lives.

Just so the people of the U.S. could all live in peace and be free
These are the heroes that represent you and me.

They stood up strongly, united as one,
And kept up the fighting until they were done.

And although some have fallen, and lost their lives in war,
We pray for each one of them.

And now that their souls live on forever more,
Above in God's hands.

They watch over our nation,
And give us strength to triumph over others with strong anticipation.

So every year, when this day comes by,
Think of all the veterans that while fighting, had to die.

And remember that they were people
With fire and passion embedded inside.

They die for this country,
So remember and honor them with pride.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Hello? Is This Thing On?

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Oh hi!

I have not forgotten about you. I am not on hiatus. I am trying to figure out how to balance my new responsibilities at work and also have the energy to blog.

As it is now, I am thinking it might take me a week to get things back in order. My suggestion would be for you all to talk amongst yourselves until then. Don’t give up on me.

Let me know how you all are doing. I miss each and everyone one of you.

W-I-C: See you real soon

K-E-D: Dude, I promise

H: Holla!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

It Remains to be Seen.....

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The parades have ended, for now. The neurotics are still floating down the river of denial. I on the other hand have ended up on secure ground. I am referring to things at work and must still remain as obscure as possible. There is simply no need for me to tread the dooced zone.

We have experienced a change in administration, an alteration that will lead my work place to much bigger and better things. I mentioned cryptically before that I have been through such conversions in previous employment and have developed a tough skin; leathery if you will. Because of my experience, I was able to predict step by step the eminent actions. Deep down I figured my position would be salvaged but there are no guarantees in life. Part of the wisdom I gained while becoming leathery. I tried to talk co-workers off the proverbial ledge. Some understood others did not. I can’t think of anyone who voluntarily welcomes unknown change.

There is still a whole host of adjustments on the horizon. I truly believe they will all be for the benefit of the business in general. Those of us who have always kept our noses to the grind stone seem to be recognized for our efforts. The others, the neurotics, the naysayers are in for an extremely taxing time. They are going to have to prove their worth and for as long as I have been around, I have yet to see any evidence to that effect.

In the immortal words of a former HR Director of mine, this bunch may have to go and be successful elsewhere.