Tuesday, July 29, 2008

25 Phrases of Wisdom

(Original author not known to me. I'd definitely share a martini or two with them however - Enjoy)

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist changes places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Welcome Back Mademoiselle Ambassador

Let me preface this post by explaining that I am unfortunately not a parent. Last night or really very early Wednesday morning, Lil Wicked and the rest of her Ambassador delegation return from their whirl wind globe hopping mission.

The parents of these twelve young adults have formed a bond that may be more permanent than their offspring. I had the privilege of being present when they left as well as when they returned. I have to report a few observations of the parental units.

I would say half the units were old pros at being separated from their children. A better way to describe this is that half of them were not voicing their separation anxieties as much as the others. I was amused to hear the first question the parental units ask each other was “how many times did your kid call you?” Can I tell you that each time my BIL1 heard that the other kids contacted their families more than Lil Wicked did, his heart sank even more. The man was a wreck the ENTIRE time she was gone.

Of course their flight was delayed, it is mid July in the Nations Capital thunderstorms happen, planes get delayed. So the flight that was supposed to arrive at Dulles at midnight was only originally ninety minutes late. It gave the parents another way to bond. Although, some of these parents were keenly connected technologically and let me tell you the roller coaster ride of emotions as they each shared their knowledge with each other. Friends, sometime ignorance is pure bliss.

Here is a snippet of panicked/aggravated responses to flight updates:

Upon hearing that the flight left LA late due to a bomb threat in the airport, several parents lost all color and knees began to wobble. A couple of them may have had to put their heads between their knees. I will not name names.

When 1:30 am rolled around and the flight number no longer appeared on the arrivals board, every parent whipped out their cells phones; some furiously texting, some calling others masterfully navigating their blackberries/PDAs/ whatever the hell those gadgets are referred to this week.

It was determined that many flights were being diverted to B.W.I., the airport closest to where BS and BIL1 live. Panic ensues!!

2 am , it was determined and 10 minutes later announced, that the kids flight had indeed landed in B.W.I. due to weather and would be refueled and flown back to Dulles.

Texting became fast and furious, of course the kids were instructed not to use cell phones while on a plane. One resourceful mother was texting the chaperone like a mad woman.

2:30 am it was determined that the plane was receiving fuel and would be leaving shortly. The entire group of welcomers made their way to Starbucks for a fix of some kind.

3:00 am the flight is en route. Welcomers are exhausted and grumpy, been a very long day for all.

3:30 am let the reunions begin!!! Happy Days are here again!

All was instantly well once everyone was reunited. It was heart warming. My bet is that once the kid has been around for 24 hours, each parent will secretly count down the days for their next journey. We are talking about tweens and teenagers afterall.

I am very glad I was there, I can sleep anytime! It amazes me how much she matured in a mere 18 days.

Welcome Home Lil Wicked!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Smelly VS Melon

We assembled the family for another cookout. Picking the hottest day of the season AND volunteering to grill wasn’t the best idea I have ever had but we all survived.

Dad to the rescue with watermelon and cantaloupe for dessert. You are witnessing Smelly’s first foray into the land of melons.

Ready, set, go!

As you can see, it does not take much to amuse the Family Wicked. Later on, I spent a good 45 minutes amusing Smelly with all my toddler armor while the rest of the family watched and laughed. Side splitting fun.

The day could only have been better if Ambassador Lil Wicked was present. Not to worry she arrives back very late Tuesday night

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

You Know You are Getting Old When.....

....you throw your back out while reaching to grab your clothes from the dryer!


Of course, I told everyone at work that I had a hairy sky diving experience. The actual story was just too damn embarrassing.

What great adventure would you have used? You know, because I have to continue to dry my clothes. I would like to be prepared.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

No Wonder They Yelp Incessantly

I ask you, is this healthy?


Remember this? Besides violating about 14 different HOA policies, this is down right disgusting.

If you were a dog, you’d voice your disdain as well.

I’ve tried everything I can think of to gently nudge them to fix the problem. I suppose I have to bring out the big guns. I have an idea of my next course of action. Any suggestions?

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Lil Wicked, Ambassador Lil Wicked

Kindly address my niece as Mademoiselle Ambassador from this point forward. While you are at it, wish her a Happy 13th Birthday.


Let me explain. Ambassador Lil Wicked is currently across the globe representing the US of A in New Zealand, then Australia with Fiji bringing up the end of the journey. Someone anonymously nominated her to serve in the People to People Program. Go ahead read all about it, I’ll wait.

Pretty impressive, right? I have to say that without this stint as an Ambassador, the kid is pretty formidable. I know I am her Aunt, but I am pretty sure you’d agree. It was my great honor to be present at the airport this past Saturday to send her off on the first leg of her jaunt. I also was there to keep her parental units from embarrassing her any further than they already do. (Oh Hi Brain Surgeon and BIL#1) Fortunately, if there were any tears shed they were done in private.

Happy Birthday Mademoiselle Lil Wicked. Bon Voyage. Make many memories. Don’t end up in any foreign prisons.

I think I covered them all. Oh, also try to text your father in more than only three words. He is having a bit of anxiety.

Hugs and Kisses
Aunt Wicked

Friday, July 04, 2008

Happy 232nd Birthday, America!


You all have a safe and Happy 4th!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Scantily Clad Menopausal Beauties

Okay Interwebs, a little help please. I don’t usually pay attention to commercials but this one is bugging me.

The product is Evista and it’s geared toward menopausal women. So far so good. The commercial tells the viewer of any possible side effects etcetera. It tells women to contact their physician and ask about the product. Got it.

Riddle me this, why are all the women in the commercial just wrapped up in a sheet? Must the menopausal mama be half naked for this drug to work?

I am obviously missing the marketing strategy.