Saturday, August 27, 2005

Ladies, Sharpen Your Claws!

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding

Friday, August 26, 2005

Mary Quite Contrary

A bunch of us went out to lunch today. It’s a rarity and we always have an enjoyable time.

Today was no different. I work with a terrific bunch of people, each memorable in their own way. I would not trade them in for all the tea in China. A couple of us are picky when it comes to food. I am usually a go with the majority kind of gal. It’s food, nourishment for the body - no big deal. We actually broke a record deciding where we’d go and when we’d leave. Within 10 minutes, we assembled the group and off to Amphora we went.

It was amazing. Collectively we agreed to celebrate this occasion next year. Usually it takes over an hour to weed out all of the possibilities regarding food procurement.

There were seven of us today. We had the most energetic 80+ year-old server, Mary. She was a spitfire. We could not move fast enough for her, in fact I think we held her back. Bless her heart. She tried to be patient when one of us couldn’t decide what to order. I think Mary may have brow beaten my co-worker into placing the order. I am very sure Mary is the one who decided what my co-worker was going to ingest.

Mary was quite efficient when it came to refilling our drinks. I am telling you she was a blur of activity. Perhaps she was snorting some high test Geritol back in the kitchen. I am not here to judge, merely an observer. Mary was quite efficient when it came to refilling our drinks. Before I had even taken two sips from my diet coke, I had another one waiting for me. Mary’s annoying habit? Aw come on, you knew I was going to mention it. Mary did not like to keep a half-filled glass on the table. She would bring you a fresh drink and want you to transfer the straw into the new glass. If this wasn’t accomplished fast enough, Mary would take care of it for you.

A little quirky our Mary but her system got us in, fed and out of there during the lunch rush in less than 60 minutes. Believe me folks. That, in and of itself is a major feat in these parts. Truthfully, if Mary hadn’t spoken up “Kitty” would still be deciding what to order.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Dear Subpar Medical Professional Possessing an MBA:

Let me help you out for you are in dire need. First of all, how a prestigious institution of healing even hired any one of your mediocre medical abilities is truly astounding. I pray each and every night that if I end up in your infirmary you are not the one to take over my care. If I am conscious I will most certainly demand someone else or be transferred to another facility. Oh, but that would mean you actually perform some type of medicine while on duty. In that case, I need not worry. You are too busy trying to figure out how to cut and paste a schedule. Did you know monkeys can be trained to do that task? That would mean you have the intelligence to equal a monkey, we all know you do not.

Secondly, there are support groups and even trained professionals who can assist you with this paranoia problem. Seriously. I can set you up, all you need to do is ask for help. Of course that would mean you could string along a series of words in a coherent manner. Have you noticed that your co-workers are in a state of glazed indifference? It’s because you cannot form a sentence. Did you miss that day in MBA school? I am willing to bet you made straight “A”s on the section of passive aggressive annoyance. If I do some digging, I am almost sure that was the topic of your thesis.

Thirdly, you are in a hell of a mess. If you think your life is difficult now, you aint seen nothing yet. This is not a threat. It is a promise. You have irritated me by proxy for the LAST time. It’s no longer business. It’s personal. I honestly don’t think you understand the capacity of what is about to happen to you. I don’t care. If you poke the bee hive enough times, your ass will get stung.

Personally, I hope you have a vile allergic reaction.

Again, this is not a warning, rather a covenant.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Richie Rich

The specialty medical practice that I left in NC was staffed by three very fun and gifted physicians. These guys were most likely on the nerd squad while in high school complete with pocket protectors and calculators hanging from their belt loops. However, they blossomed into handsome, accomplished men. We are talking brilliance on a stick. These guys were triple Board Certified and that is no easy task. Besides all the intelligence we had humor. Can you imagine? Intelligence and wit all wrapped up in not one but three specialists. It’s rare, trust me.

This post is dedicated to Richie Rich. He looked exactly like that character. The first day at our practice, I asked if I could refer to him as Richie Rich and after I explained who he was, the doctor agreed. Did I mention that Richie Rich was all of 29 years old when he joined our practice? Doogie Howser’s cousin, easily. ( Yes, I had to explain to him who he was also)

These physicians had a super charming exterior which made the female drug dealers, a.k.a. pharmaceutical reps, flock to our practice. We came up with a system within the office to curtail the drug dealing visit. We’d give the physicians enough time to hear about all the bells and whistles of the new product for 15 minutes. If the drug dealer wasn’t wrapping it all up, we would page the physician’s beeper to move things along. At that point he would dismiss the drug dealer and move on with patient care.

Richie Rich seemed to have a bunch of groupies. It was comical. He also had a very controlling wife. She specifically dropped by my office one day to tell me to keep Richie focused and away from any drug dealers. This was a diminutive Asian/American woman but she intimidated the hell out of me, a lawyer by trade. I told her I would do my best.

Richie specifically enjoyed the attention and would have a difficult time sending the drug dealers away. It got to the point where he would ignore the page all together. He would set the parameters of the visit no matter how hard we tried to keep him on schedule. To his credit, he did make up the time by the end of each day and no patient was slighted in the least. Part of my job was to keep the whole process moving along with happy physicians and patients. If Richie wants to enjoy the attention, who am I to stop him. It was not my job to keep his wife happy.

Unfortunately, Richie got busted. On this particular day during a drug dealer visit by a particularly attractive rep, Mrs. Rich decided to make a surprise visit. I saw her pull into the parking lot and I immediately began paging Richie repeatedly. Once again, he ignored the pages. I even stuck my head into the nurses station where the encounters took place and he waved me off. I did what I could. The second Mrs. Rich entered the nurse’s station, Richie’s ears became beet red. He looked like a thermometer ready to explode. Mrs. Rich placed herself between Richie and the drug dealer and told her husband it was time for lunch. And she leads him away. Forget that we had four more patients waiting to be seen in the waiting room. I was not going to interrupt the impending domestic discourse between Dr. and Mrs. Richie Rich.

I did what any good administrator would do. I paged the other two physicians, found out which one could come to the office to see the remaining patients and our morning was complete. Of course between the rest of the staff and me, we made sure that the rescuing physician knew all the details so that Richie could be mercilessly berated.

Richie never ignored another page while in my tutelage.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A Little Snark with my Sundae

Back when I was in high school, you know MANY moons ago, the best cure for what ailed me was a sundae. This particular incident jumped to my fore-brain after reading someone’s post about the misbehavior of some children in restaurants.

I was enjoying my sundae with one of my friends, commiserating whichever event that brought us there in the first place. Some type of teenage angst, I don’t remember those details. While we were ingesting the sweetness, the two toddlers sitting in the booth behind me decided to reach over and get acquainted.

I have always loved children and still do. I don’t particularly care for some parents. Certainly not the parental units of these two offspring. The first time they reached over with their sticky hands and pulled my ponytail, it was admittedly cute. However, after five minutes of them playing with my hair with their ice cream-covered hands was quite enough and not even remotely amusing. A couple of times I turned around to look at the parents who were sitting side by side on the opposite side of the booth. I figured they would get the hint. I never heard either of them trying to correct the conduct of their bambinos. Not once!

As the family was leaving, they had to walk by our booth to exit the restaurant. I was expecting an apology of some kind. That is really all I needed, an acknowledgment that their kids had been discourteous. Again, nothing. Being the acerbic teen that I was, I made the following comment.

“ There is a good argument for birth control!”

If looks could kill, I would have been dead. Lucky for me they don’t.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Perseverance Pays Off

Or a message to parents: be careful what you promise.

Little Mermaid, my 10 year old niece, has hit pay dirt. Her parents promised she could get a dog if she got straight A’s. They should have made the stakes a bit higher because I knew she would have no problem achieving that goal.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Google. He is the newest member of the family. Cousin to Dexter and Homer and my Grand Nephew. He is a 3 month old golden-doodle and was aptly named by yours truly. I suggested the name Google for 2 reasons; his breed type and the fact that he was found via Internet.

Next to Dexter, he is the sweetest thing. Welcome to the family, Google!!!

Good luck with the scooping of the poop Little Mermaid. I think you might need to invest in some nose plugs. It would look kind of funny if you were retching while walking the Googster

Friday, August 12, 2005

First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was mid-winter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of no where! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came apoint where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realizedthat there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ....And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being 'pissed off

Ooops, I Forgot

Exactly how does one forget to remove the home made pipe bomb from ones bag before going through airport security?

It’s bad enough we all have to worry about terrorists. Now we have to also worry about good ole yahoos. Why does someone make a pipe bomb just for fun anyway? Hello?? This is not the time to screw around with such things.

I’d like brain cells for a thousand, Alex……

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

E-V-O-O Yum Yum

Ever Vigilant Obnoxious Oaf

Effervescent Vastly Offensive Old-Maid

Exceedingly Vitally Oviparous Officiate

Oh. My. God.

I cannot stand the 30 Minute Meal Lady - Rachael Ray. Nobody can be that happy about food. Well maybe I could get THAT excited if I was racking in the big bucks for parading around like a cheerleader while preparing food in the kitchen.

Please, someone out there tell me that she also grates on your nerves like a micro plane zester. I am begging.

To her credit, she does make some good meals. But the perkiness. Make it stop. Also, is it so difficult to say extra virgin olive oil? What is this E-V-O-O crap?

The only way I can watch her is with the sound muted. I am not kidding.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Stimulus Overload

I may be one of they few around who has yet to own an Ipod. I am technologically constipated. I admit it. I am really ok with it. Half my problem with the lack of gadgetry is probably funding the other is interest. While driving I prefer to listen to the radio and/or one of the six CDs that rotate through the car’s stereo. None of that satellite radio business for me. I need to hear the local weather and traffic and if not that’s what God made the CD changer for. I exercise in the comfort of my home so music is readily available for that purpose. Maybe if I commuted to work via the subway it would make sense since I don’t like socializing while on public transportation. I might tell you I am blind or something - oh wait - I previously mentioned that, so you should already know. ( And if you are expecting me to link to that exact post, forget it. Technologically challenged)

All this brings me to the cookout we had at OS/B-I-L’s house. This is the home of the almost technologically savvy. Why almost? Well it is not for lack of owning most every new gadget on the market and sometimes more than one of each. Little Mermaid is obviously of the techno-generation. Her Mom, the brain surgeon and my OS, can pick stuff up if shown in the most expedient manner. She is good that way. Just never, EVER, mention Avogadro or his freaking number and you all will get along really well. B-I- L thinks he knows it all when it comes to gadgets, certainly knows more than myself, but I have never known anyone who can break as many computers as he has. Who knows, maybe that is his way of upgrading machinery and justifying the cost. If so, Bravo B-I-L. Of course this is the same man who did a triple gainer with a half twist over the handle bars of a moped/scooter on one of the many islands they have frequented. ( That’s all I am saying)

I arrived early to the cookout to help and came bearing an upbeat mixed CD that I burned myself. You don’t understand. This is an accomplishment for me. Because my B-I-L has an Ipod with however many giga some things it is armed with, he is always looking for more music to add to his collection. So I handed him the CD and told him to see if he would enjoy it, if so he could do whatever it is one does to get the tunes onto the Ipod. As luck would have it, just last week his Ipod crashed his computer so it has been sent to the Ipod doctor. He would download the tunes to his computer. Sounds easy enough, even I can do that. Off to his office he went. I and the brain surgeon are bonding in the kitchen. Little Mermaid is busily flicking her thumbs on yet another piece of technology that I probably could not even turn on.

B-I-L returns to the kitchen to play the CD on the intercom system so the whole house can hear the music. We also have some swim meet on television being broadcasted on the brand spanking new and humming flat screen 450 inch screen. ( Maybe its 45 inches, it’s damn big that’s all I know and for some reason it used to hum until a technician came out to sell them a high end cable. Now the old TV that is in the bedroom hums. I guess they couldn’t afford two high end cables - usually I just listen and don’t ask questions)

We also have the bleating of the pulsating food processor amongst the cacophony. Every 2-3 minutes, B-I-L will return to the kitchen, find a song on the CD and ask me title and artist. You see I broke rule number one of making a mixed CD. I did not make a table of contents for it so that he could easily list the songs onto his computer to be later loaded on the Ipod when it returns from the doctor. Who knew? I decided to utilize the services of Little Mermaid, every time the next song would come on I would tell her title and artist ( these were tunes from the 70's none she knew) and she would relay the info to her Dad who would be furiously tapping the data into his computer. We had a system, and it was working.

The only problem? After he successfully downloaded my CD onto his computer, his computer refused to acknowledge one of 3 different burners on his hard drive.

I think to be technologically ignorant works great for me. Fewer hassles in life.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Dear Newly Re-United Couple:

I can appreciate how you long for each other, actually I am a bit jealous.

I am so very happy for you, sincerely. However, the next time you need to reconcile a minor difference, could you take one giant step to the right?

I can't tell you how uncomfortable I felt while watching your scenario unfold right in front of my office window. I promise I was not trying to intrude but you were right in my line of site. I realize that my corner office is a huge perk. One I do not want to give up, but I don't know how long I can endure all this lovey dovey stuff. Really, my dentist makes enough from my treatments and so far I have avoided too many cavities. After today, I am not so sure. Either I'll need a bunch of fillings or an insulin pump installed.

May you be in love forever and ever, amen. Just please, not in front of my office.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

All That AND a Bag of Chips

I have never been one to ogle material possessions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with owning the best of the best or flaunting your newest acquisition. However, if you are expecting me to oooh and ahh over it, then you are barking up the wrong tree. To me a vehicle is a mode of transportation. Sure a new one is great but it is a vehicle, that’s it. I don’t notice them, it’s not my thing. I am much more in tune with the type of person you are than the amount of money in your bank account or the number of endowments you own.

My YS (younger sister) was apparently quite upset with me because I did not stop to covet her new car. In my defense, I was just pulling out of my parent’s driveway and did not recognize the car that was pulling in and it had tinted windows. For all I knew it was a friend of my father so I continued on my way. No big deal, right? WRONG.

The YS is a piece of work anyway but she is also an adult and really should use those adult powers to resolve issues. If she was so disquieted by my actions, she should have picked up the phone and said so. Instead, she asked my father to call me and reprimand me about ignoring her. I reminded my father that I am 42 years old and she is 34. I respectfully asked him to back out of this entanglement and let her effectuate in the proper manner. Bless his heart, it did not sit well with him so to appease me we ended our conversation.

Imagine my surprise when a few days later she called to ask if she and her husband could visit me. Keep in mind that this is the same woman who could not be bothered to call or visit me while I was having major surgery last year. She asked if I was busy on Sunday and I told her come on over. Her response, great then we can show you the new car. I knew the visit had nothing to do with wanting to see me rather showing off the new chariot.

They arrived an hour and a half later than they said they would, typical of YS. I answered my door and YS was asking me if she and her husband parked in the right spot. He was still with the car. I told her they did a great job and proceeded back into my house. I believe I thwarted the first attempt to check out the new wheels.

We had a nice visit. We live a little over an hour away from each other, this might have been their first visit ever. I am usually expected to make the trek out to see family. There was no mention of the car during our sojourn. Finally after 2 hours of chit chat, I asked how the new car was working out for them. I have never seen 2 people so anxious to show off their wares. They shot up out of their seats and we all headed out to inspect the purchase. It was a car, a new one. I sat in the passenger seat for 10 seconds, told them it was real nice and to use it in good health. Then we went back into my house.

Ten minutes later, our visit was done. Their mission was accomplished, I saw and approved of the new car. WHATEVER!!!!!