Thursday, March 30, 2006

Director’s Hall

Recently, Pet Whisperer and I went to the movies. We have a deluxe theater complex nearby which gives you the option of paying a couple of dollars extra for the ability of hand picking the seat in the theater. I am usually not that picky when it comes to where I sit in a movie theater but as luck would have it, the movie we wanted to see was being played in the Director’s Hall. So be it. We purchased our tickets, picked our seats and proceeded to our theater.

Apparently there are several perks to viewing the film in the Director’s Hall:

• the tickets are presented to you in a special envelope which also contains wet naps
• the seats that are malfunctioning have caution tape around them
• you get a personal greeting in the form of a lecture from one of the staff

I am not sure why it was necessary to place our tickets into a protective envelope when in exactly ten steps we were required to remove them and hand them to the usher. I am going to venture a guess and state that if you have the extra two bucks to view the movie, the wet nap should be considered a luxury. Apparently the common folk must use napkins. I liked the idea of the caution tape for malfunctioning seats. However, the computer at the box office was not coordinated to reflect the malfunction causing serious anxiety for a couple of patrons who hand picked the broken seats. I did offer my wet nap in condolence but the patron was not appeased. Our lecture consisted of a very informative discussion as to the history of the theater and the function of the arm rests and all the benefits of being seated amongst the privileged.

It is of note that the rest of the theaters in this complex of 14 have the exact seating arrangements and functional arm rests, etc. The only difference is that you don’t receive your tickets in a protective envelope, no wet naps and no useless lecture from a middle aged theater usher who boasts of his recent theater sabbatical.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Power Plays

In my opinion, they should be reserved for the hockey rink.

If you will excuse me, I am off to purchase a stick. I see much checking in my future.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

When Women are at the Helm

Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by women executives. It is said that the men’s restroom is a serious, quiet place. Not much camaraderie takes place in that room. The result of the women’s design scheme is brilliant.

With the addition of one mural on the wall, let’s just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles...

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Tough Times

I went into the gas station to purchase five dollars worth of gas today.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Dear Cracker Barrel Server:

I realize that we were eating in your fine establishment located in NC. However, stopping everything you were doing and stating “this one here has a bit of an accent” then pointing me out was really rather odd. The smirk that appeared on my face was not an indication for you to give me your geographical breakdown. I really didn’t care if you have lived in NC, SC, KS, KY and originally hailed from Miami. Although it was quite helpful for you to explain why you southerners from Miami pronounce “coffee” just like any New Yorker I have had the fine pleasure of running into.

I thanked you for clearing up that enigma and you bolted. Undoubtedly, you were going to look up the word enigma in the dictionary located in the kitchen.

Y’all come back now, ya hear!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Imagine you are performing the above song to two individuals who have never heard of it and believe that what sanity you had before the beach, completely got washed out with the tide. That pretty much set the tone for the beach excursion. That’s what I get for hanging out with a friend who is nearly 10 years my junior and her 13 year old daughter. Talk about generational gaps. It is what makes our trips together fabulous. Diversity friends, it is the spice of life. The new black, if you will.

We had a minor snafu upon check in to our lavish hotel. Once I talked HFS down off the ledge, our sandy journey began. I am extremely delirious to report that we did not, at any time, visit a flea market nor plan each morsel that would enter our systems the entire trip. Our itinerary consisted of the go with the flow agenda. We were on vacation, dammit!

As I previously mentioned, the entire cheerleading brigade of America happened to be in our little beach town the same time we were. It actually worked out well in that it kept the leering Canadian golf nuts out of our hotel. Yay team! Also, since they were competing the same time we were lounging, we did not have to deal with any extra self image problems had they been out and about while we were. Score! We also had some nice eye candy as it was also spring break for the college kids. I don’t seem to remember such hotties when I was in college. Maybe they grow them different these days.

Besides Patrick, who needs to visit a proctologist and have that stick removed, all of the servers we encountered understood and played along with our sense of humor. It makes for good tipping.

We are definitely not ready for any type of professional bowling competition. All I will reveal is that balls were rolled and pins were knocked over. Much giggling and sore muscles followed. This in turn made the hot tubs even more endearing.

My flights were enjoyable. On the way down I had to be social with my seat mate. It was not exactly what I had in mind but it made the trip move that much faster. On the way back I had what must have been a swinging couple seated next to me. They were doing their damnedest to make it into the mile high club. I almost had to ask them to move it into the lavatory. Luckily the turbulence we encountered cooled things down.

All in all I achieved what I wanted, relaxation. Of course more sun worshiping would have been ideal. I need to keep the dermatologists in business. Maybe next trip.

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Fortune Cookie Wisdom Not Withstanding

Open Door Policy: open only for positive reinforcement or upbeat commentary. All others, DO NOT ENTER.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Observations While En Route

Movers and Shakers: If your cell phone has bad reception in IAD, redialing and YELLING into the cell phone will not improve the clarity of the call. You should really get up, move about the terminal and find a better location. What good is the Wharton School of Finance, really?

Airline employees who know and understand that their families will most likely have to wait and possibly get a flight home at some point that day and have come highly prepared to amuse their children, is the most viable commodity in any airport.

Airlines who first cancel your flight due to “mechanical trouble” and then magically reroute you before you check in are more wonderful than I can express. A cautionary note to those of you who push the limit of acceptable check in time, none of you got rerouted. Sometimes it pays to follow the rules.

Sitting next to Radar O’Reilly’s twin on the way to the beach was amusing. At least we had a well-rounded discussion. Lessons to self, it’s ok to take your nose out of your book sometimes.

Two-four-six-eight! Oh my nerves how they grate! The Cheerleaders. Yeah, yeah, all those cheerleaders. Note to self, plan next beach trip to avoid the National Cheer Leading competition.

Travelers: if it’s too cold and you insist on wearing ankle socks with your sandals, please just put your shoes on. It’s not a good look on elderly folks and even worse on younger ones. It completely depletes the hotness factor. Trust me.

Similarly, white Bermuda shorts under a wool sport coat. NO, just no.

Apparently it has been a long time since I flew on a plane. Did you all know they load the passengers according to “zones?” Who knew?

More to follow, thought I’d tide you over with these observations. Not enough time to recap the fun lights of the trip. Must catch up with reality and work.....

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Gone Beachin

Headed to the shore kids. Will be searching for my message in a bottle. Be creative.

Please try and behave yourselves in my absence.

Be back soon, buh-bye!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Trolling for Octogenarians

The last time I made a dash to the beach, I had my pick of Canadian snow birds. Apparently Myrtle Beach is the new black for Canadian golfers. There must be no room in Florida what with all the north easterners flocking there. No matter, I have always said that I should find a seasoned gentleman who is willing to turn his assets over to me. Why not?

I’ll tell you why not. If the crop includes nothing but happy go lucky gregarious, aged Canucks who love to golf, I am just not interested. If you see me relaxing in the hot tub, my head back on the ledge, eyes closed, it’s probably not the best time to show me your open heart surgery scar and give me the intimate details of how you beat the gout. Is this what it has come to? My only pick are these octogenarian golf nuts? I’ll pass. I willingly donate this demographic over to all the other ladies who enjoy this sort of thing. Having worked in the medical field, I am done hearing about ailments especially while on vacation. The thought of changing their Depends is just not that appealing. Not much into to golf either.

I prefer my beach getaway with the girls, thank you very much!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Musical Tables

When I was younger, it was not usual for my family to go out to eat. It’s not that we could not afford to, it just wasn’t something that was in our norm. My mom is a phenomenal cook. On the rare occasion that we did venture out, it was always a spectacle.

You see my dad has an aversion to air conditioning. He did not have that luxury growing up so he is extremely sensitive to drafts. A typical dinner outing would go something like this:

Family Wicked would be seated in the restaurant; our drink orders would be taken. Commence with the draft patrol. My father would raise his hand in the air testing for the dreaded draft that would inevitably cause him to have a headache.

Dad: (hand raised in the air monitoring wind shear) Do you all feel that draft?
Mom: No, but we are not as sensitive as you are. If you don’t like this table then we should move.
Dad: ( now up and strolling throughout the restaurant standing near empty tables doing the draft test) ( Myself and Brain Surgeon – Selfish Countessa not born yet- are hiding behind our menus by now) Hey honey, this one seems ok.
Mom: Are you sure?
Dad: Yes, this is much better. (Now there is an entire family waiting to be seated at the perfect, draft-less location)
Hostess: Can I help you sir?
Dad: We prefer this table, less draft.
Hostess: (rolling her eyes) Fine sir; let me tell your new server.
We have now made the move to the new and improved table. Our new server greats us, the other family gets our original table. We place our orders.
Dad: (performing the dreaded draft inspection again) Wow, it is really breezy here. Do you feel the breeze?
Mom: (ignored the question entirely and is no doing her lip smacking maneuver which indicates she is not happy) (Me and BS are furiously stirring our drinks with our straws)
Dad: I am really worried that the kids will catch a cold in this atmosphere. (Keep in mind he is a physician and knows full well that air conditioners generally do not cause one to catch a cold)
Mom: The kids will be fine. If you are not happy with this table, then you need to go find a table that is suitable and sit there for a few minutes. Then we will move, otherwise we are staying put.

As I got older, this routine became highly embarrassing for me. I would let my dad know that before I sat down with him he would have to find the perfect location. This would explain the minimal dining out experiences. As years past, my dad took to wearing a hat in less formal eateries or simply dealing with the gusty conditions.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Perfect for What Ails You

This burst of Spring that we are experiencing is just what the doctor ordered. I am a person who needs four distinct seasons. Isn’t it fantastic how a couple of days of warmth and sunshine can elevate everyone’s mood?

I’ve spent the better part of the weekend enjoying the weather while relaxing on the deck. Spring cleaning? Not for me, I am going to enjoy every second of this Spring preview before Mother Nature slaps us back into reality.

I have a bet going with a co-worker as to whether or not we will have another minor snow fall before true Spring gets sprung.

Any takers?

Friday, March 10, 2006

Dear Exuberant, Male Target Employee:

I cannot express to you how much my errand running time was improved by your comment.

As I was trudging through Target today, I asked a very pleasant young man if the suntan lotions were out in display. The biggest grin appeared on his face and he proclaimed that he would point me to the suntan lotion if I promised to take him along with me. I told him if he could be ready by Thursday, I would come back and pick him up. He told me that as luck would have it, he was off that weekend and he would be ready AND able to join me.

So Jeremy, I will swing by on my way to the airport and hopefully HFS and Jr will not mind. The more the merrier. As I always say.....


I have no problem supporting any elementary, junior or high school fund-raising campaigns. I do have a problem with the parent displaying the order sheet in the lunch room using strong arm tactics to get the items sold. How does this teach the child to raise money for the cause? It’s a serious question. If you want my money, then the kid is going to have to do the fund raising. I think it’s only fair.

What kind of message are we sending to the children of today if they don’t even have to exert any type of energy to raise funds? If you are one of these parents, I don’t want to hear you complaining that junior is an irresponsible kid and can’t even be bothered to clean up his or her room. I also don’t want to hear that the offspring has been kicked out of school due to having someone else write their term papers. Look at the example you are setting.

Now if you will excuse me, I have some Girl Scout cookies to devour. Purchased from the cutest GS you’ve ever seen who knocked on my door by herself and sold her product. Her mother present at the bottom of the steps playing the role of chaperone.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Epileptic Gyrations

This is the only way I can describe Taylor Hicks’ performance last night on American Idol. I think he sang his song brilliantly. But the spastic movements, I am having a difficult time getting past them.

Also, is it just me or is does this season seem to have only mediocre talent? Hopefully once they clear the top 12, the performances will get better.

I know, I know. If I could do any better, I should have tried out. For the record, I am way past the age cutoff. Otherwise, I would have been right there!

If you believe that, I have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you. Drop me a line…..

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Not a Fluke

It seems my family gets along famously in public eating establishments. We have now had two consecutive gatherings where all of us thoroughly enjoyed each others company. Of course, Little Mermaid was absent this time, she dissed us for her friends. I suppose I knew at some point Aunt Wicked would be trumped by one of her close companions.

Nary was an unkind word spoken. Perhaps the world is spinning in the wrong direction? Conceivably, we have learned to behave ourselves in public. Either that or we are all aging like fine wine. We took our jocularity back to my parent’s home where we recounted old stories while feasting on tea and cake. It was a veritable snort fest. We did remember to keep our pinkies extended while sipping (some of us slurping) our brewed tea; however. Family Wicked is nothing if not classy.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Patient Concerns

Specifically for Wallofdenial who has felt that I have been grumpy of late. Hope you all enjoy this, when in doubt lob in some medical humor.

A young, student nurse appears to give a man a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the oxygen mask. "Are my testicles

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Friday, March 03, 2006

Free at Last

The Washington area medical community can breathe a sigh of relief. Brain Surgeon’s nemesis is finally gone. I believe her exact words were “ding, dong the prick is gone.” I am pretty sure the standard we bid you a fond farewell hop to a Georgetown watering hole did not occur. I guarantee all of them had a huge party to celebrate the departure. What a wus, he phoned in his resignation while on vacation. If that doesn’t prove that his MBA was obtained from the Acme School of Business, then I am blonde and blue-eyed.

General Electric, I offer you my sympathies. Surely a company of your stature will find that the newest edition to your medical department is truly an incompetent boob. We are talking about a man who cannot even inquire as to how you are in less than a 4 page diatribe. Memos become term papers in the landscape format. Let’s not even get me started on the lack of professionalism. GE, ask him why he lost his position the head of the department in such a manner that facilitated the door of his office to be removed. Good luck trying to train him to your high standards.

Those of you out there who depend on GE for your medical equipment needs, heed this warning. If you run into this medical trouble shooter who cannot string enough words together to form a coherent sentence, hang up and contact someone higher in the company. I fear for your health.