Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

It did not seem like at the time, but 2007 passed by quickly. Its time again to reflect, count blessings and move into the future.

2007 was filled with many memorable moments, most of which were documented. The most powerful milestone for me was losing my Black Sheep status. It is a lengthy story, I am now ready to document it here since the weight of it has been lifted literally and figuratively. I will make it a priority to share early in the new year. I don’t want to focus on it now other than to say that the light couldn’t shine any brighter. That was one long ass tunnel.

I continued with the tradition I started a couple years prior; I eliminated those in my life who yielded useless drama. There is a reason I am single with no dependants and those people in my life who don’t understand the importance of that need not take up space. Self preservation for a nurturer/caretaker is nonexistent. I have finally figured out a way to keep a circle of genuine folks and friends in my life. Better late than never.

I hope 2008 brings nothing but good health and much happiness to us all.

I found this quote from Bono I’d like to leave you with:

“Here’s to the future! The only limits are the limits of our imagination. Dream up the kind of world you want to live in, dream out loud, at high volume.”

Happy New Year!!

Santa, the Postlude

Santa was very good to the Family Wicked. No complaints.

Who am I kidding? It’s a Blog. It’s destined for complaints. The gift exchange was quite nice. No family arguments and everyone felt the holiday spirit. The problem was that 3/5 of the family was over wrought with the nastiest cold virus this side of the North Pole.

Currently, I am the only one not battling the Plague. I am over dosing myself with vitamin C and Zinc and every homeopathic remedy I can get my hands on. It’s up to my immune system at this point. I am hopeful. Although when I got the call that Brain Surgeon succumbed to the germs, I got worried.



The woman works in a hospital where germs are a plenty, if she can’t fight off the little buggers the rest of us are doomed. Of course it did not help that we all shared the two dainty towels in the powder room. Those things were petri dishes having a germ festival. I made the conscious decision to use my pants to dry my hands instead of the towels. We are a medical family, you’d think we would have taken better precautions.

I blame Rudolph and his damned red nose!

This Greeting Has Been Cleared by My Attorney

(I am nothing if not politically correct - HA!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 21st day of December two thousand and seven.

Yes Wicked, There Is a Santa Claus

If I had an ounce of bah humbug left in me, today totally wiped those feelings clean.

This is what my CEO and CFO gave me for Christmas:


Added to that a very handsome bonus check and a lunch out.

I've been working at this job for almost six years and I can honestly say that good things come to those who wait. We had a recent change of the guard and I ended up on the right side of the street.

Even without the treats, life is good again.

Thanks Santa.

Crazed Shoppers, Parking Garage Tirades and Long Lines...OH MY!!!

Seriously, this is supposed to be a time of charity, kindness and gathering around the table with family remembering the good times and being grateful for the little things.

Nothing could be further from the truth. What has happened to all of us? I just don’t see how any of this is going to end well. Someone spike the eggnog. Eat, drink and be merry. Dammit!

Personally, I have avoided the full contact craziness that is Christmas shopping. I happily clicked my way to completion. Thank God Al Gore created the internet. ( I think there are pills for narcissists, I should hook Al up)

For those of you who still need some help turning those grimaces upside down, I leave you with this:

Ho Ho Ho....

...Ho my God! If I hear the phrase “I’ll just put it in my navi” one more time, one of the reindeer is being eliminated! Sorry Donner, you need to take one for the team.

Let me explain. Work has had a major overhaul and with it came some very wonderful leaders, new opportunities, trust me more great that not. However, it only takes one bad apple to ruin it for all.

Dear Santa:

All I want this year for Christmas is the ability to tune this bad apple out. I am the Queen of non-reaction but this one pushes every button I have, I am running out of patience and control.

I have been a very good girl this year. Well, you know. You see everything. Tell all the Elves they can give my share of the loot to someone more deserving. Just please, PLEASE give me the strength to deal with Miss Entitled. I am on my knees begging.

While I am asking, please also make sure that Lil Wicked and Smelly get everything on their list. They have both been even better than me.

Lots of Hugs and Kisses - Wicked H

Best Shopping Related Conversation, Ever!

Pet Whisperer: Gah! I have not exercised in over three months.

Wicked H: Wow, that is very unusual for you.

Pet Whisperer: Groan...

Wicked H: Wait. Yes you have.

Pet Whisperer: When?

Wicked H: Each time you go out shopping. Full Contact Purchasing! It has to burn calories, especially during the Holiday Season!

Pet Whisperer: This is why I heart you. Now, I can have another glass of wine.

Wicked H: Cheers!

Christmas Public Service Announcement

Hear Ye, Hear Ye....



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Elf YOU!!!

You must try this!

What the Elf?

And so it begins, Happy Holidays!!!

Fakes Giving*

Hi all. Here at the Wicked Family compound due to scheduling conflicts we had to have our Thanksgiving one week and 3 days later.

I was the hostess with the mostess; literally and figuratively. (Ha! Sometimes I just crack myself up.) We each were responsible for different courses and if I must share with the Internet, we did a fine job. Lookout Iron Chefs, next year we take you on as a group.

Work is not getting easier, life goes on. I leave you with a practice shot of most of the family in preparation for the obligatory group photo. You all need to keep this secret, I promised everyone in this snap that I would not post on the interwebs.

Of course I had my fingers crossed, I am Wicked H and this is how I roll:


There you go, a portion of the Family Wicked.

Talk to you all soon!

*title courtesy of Uncle Fun who is in the picture....

Better than the Flu Shot

(Listen, works is ka-razy! Enjoy this, won’t you?)

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I’d Rather Stick a Needle in My Eye

It is no secret that I find no solace in shopping. Let me clarify, I find no comfort in full contact shopping. Give me a computer and a credit card with a decent limit and watch me shop.

I have never understood the craziness that is Black Friday. I can tell you that between the amateur cooks breaking in their turkey fryers without reading all the safety instructions and the wacky prizefighting shoppers, we will be quite busy at work tomorrow. We tend to see many college aged kids the day after Thanksgiving along with the food poisoned and many injuries caused by early morning bargain hunters.

While you all are out there playing elf, I will be assisting in treating the infirm. Ah, the Holidays. So very good for business.

Just remember kids, Santa has begun making notes. Let the madness begin!

Planes, Trains, Automobiles and the Extended Family Reunions

A few helpful hints from Wicked H:

1) It’s only once a year, you can get through it; yes even the most obnoxious relative and/or in-law.

2) They may promise you that the calories and carbs have been removed, they are lying to make you eat. Do what I do, save the carb points for the alcohol.

3) If it lands on your plate, you should really eat it. Unless of course you can feed it to the dog covertly under the table. Be creative!

4) It can’t be all bad, find at least one thing to be thankful for.

Where ever your journey takes you this Thanksgiving, I wish you safe and happy trails.

Off to the Spa, N’est Pas?

Of course I will have you in mind while I am experiencing nothing but rest and rejuvenation. I also have some ocean front property in Arizona for any of you interested.

Be good kids. If you cannot be good, I want all the juicy details.

Ohmmmmmmmmm......Namaste.

Petition

Lil Wicked, my twelve year old niece, and I were having a serious discussion over the weekend.

You see, my whole family attended public schools during our formative years. We all turned out pretty damn good if I must say so myself. It seems that living amongst the Mcmansioned requires one to send their offspring to fancy, schmancy private schools; Parochial ones. I shudder just thinking about it. To each is own is what I used to say until it hit close to home.

Lil Wicked is attending St. Francis of the Behemoths or some such institution. (Can you hear me God? It’s me Wicked H!) She was telling me that the majority of her teachers were of the plus sized variety. Let me clarify, they are plus sized female instructors who arrive dressed for class in psychedelic moo moos.

The tarp covered faculty members enjoy dolling out detentions and the like because due to their size they are restricted from keeping their students in line. Besides that, most are unable to keep the assignments up to date on the school’s web site so that the parental units can make sure their precious cargo are learning to the full extent of the several thousand dollar tuition.

Lil Wicked was explaining how most of the outfits were so distracting, it was making her eyes tear. Now, I must tell you that it took all my strength not to make fun of these educators. You all would have been so proud of me. I cleared my throat and in my most serious tone, I suggested that perhaps a petition needs to be started asking that the teachers also must wear the uniforms that the students are forced to exhibit. Lil Wicked thought about it for a moment and declared that she’d rather see a freaky frock than a mammoth woman in an plaid skirt.

Point taken.

Our veterans were more than soldiers. They were, and still are heroes.

Veterans Day
By Taylor Weinman

Representing the red white and blue
The colors of our flag stand out proud and true.

The white stars on blue background with red and white stripes
Remind me of these veterans, who all risked their lives.

Just so the people of the U.S. could all live in peace and be free
These are the heroes that represent you and me.

They stood up strongly, united as one,
And kept up the fighting until they were done.

And although some have fallen, and lost their lives in war,
We pray for each one of them.

And now that their souls live on forever more,
Above in God's hands.

They watch over our nation,
And give us strength to triumph over others with strong anticipation.

So every year, when this day comes by,
Think of all the veterans that while fighting, had to die.

And remember that they were people
With fire and passion embedded inside.

They die for this country,
So remember and honor them with pride.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

Oh hi!

I have not forgotten about you. I am not on hiatus. I am trying to figure out how to balance my new responsibilities at work and also have the energy to blog.

As it is now, I am thinking it might take me a week to get things back in order. My suggestion would be for you all to talk amongst yourselves until then. Don’t give up on me.

Let me know how you all are doing. I miss each and everyone one of you.

W-I-C: See you real soon

K-E-D: Dude, I promise

H: Holla!

It Remains to be Seen.....

The parades have ended, for now. The neurotics are still floating down the river of denial. I on the other hand have ended up on secure ground. I am referring to things at work and must still remain as obscure as possible. There is simply no need for me to tread the dooced zone.

We have experienced a change in administration, an alteration that will lead my work place to much bigger and better things. I mentioned cryptically before that I have been through such conversions in previous employment and have developed a tough skin; leathery if you will. Because of my experience, I was able to predict step by step the eminent actions. Deep down I figured my position would be salvaged but there are no guarantees in life. Part of the wisdom I gained while becoming leathery. I tried to talk co-workers off the proverbial ledge. Some understood others did not. I can’t think of anyone who voluntarily welcomes unknown change.

There is still a whole host of adjustments on the horizon. I truly believe they will all be for the benefit of the business in general. Those of us who have always kept our noses to the grind stone seem to be recognized for our efforts. The others, the neurotics, the naysayers are in for an extremely taxing time. They are going to have to prove their worth and for as long as I have been around, I have yet to see any evidence to that effect.

In the immortal words of a former HR Director of mine, this bunch may have to go and be successful elsewhere.

Happy Halloween!!

Treats for the kiddies and Gin & Tonics for the parents.

Muhahahahahahahahahaha!

Blog Obstruction; Blogstipation If You Will

Friends, my name is Wicked H and I am creatively stymied. I have looked high and low for some blogospheric fiber but alas I am marooned.

There is much going on with me just none of it very humorous. Rather none that I can put a jocular spin on at the moment. Work is precarious to say the least, life is good no complaints on that front. Actually I am on the verge of losing my “black sheep” title. Long story for another time.

Cut me some slack. I’ll get back on track. I promise. In the meantime, enjoy this lovely photo of my birthplace. Lets’ make it interesting; can you tell me where I was born?

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Someone sent me this and since I can’t be creative this week, I am sharing one last item not written by me.

If you can read this without laughing out loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting fo r me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other garbage too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny kid to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Dumb barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for service s today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Speeding?

The Hell you say!

Staph Resistant Viruses

The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

No clue who the original author is, but I'd certainly buy them a round or two.

Wax on, Wax Off

After today, I now understand why my sister, the brain surgeon, cringes anytime someone picks her brain regarding medical conditions during her off time. (Pun not intended but sometimes I just crack myself up!)

I took the day off to visit my favorite dentist. He has the typical open floor plan. The two exam chairs in the rear of the office are separated only by a glorified partition that houses various and sundry dental equipment. In other words, whatever is going on in chair one is easily heard by me in chair two. I cannot see who is in chair one but I did make a concerted effort after the following scenario:

While lounging uncomfortably in my chair one, I am listening to the conversation between the patient in chair two and Missy, the worlds most gregarious dental assistant.

Missy: So I noticed you were walking funny as I brought you back here, what’s going on?

Chair Two Occupant (CTO): Groan, long story....

Missy: I LOVE stories, we got nothing but time. Did you forget which dentist you were visiting?

CTO: Well the Reader’s Digest version goes like this; new girlfriend in the picture, she’s into uh grooming. Well, you get the idea....

Missy: Grooming? What did she do, ask you to wax your back or something?

CTO: Um, yea. Something like that.

Missy: (Now with checking on me) How you doing Wicked?

WH: (using hand gestures because I am biting into a mold of my entire mouth) O.K.

Missy: (leaning in to whisper) Did you hear about the back waxing?

WH: (continuing on with the gestures and shaking my head and point to the nether regions)

Missy: What?? Ohhhhhhhhhhh. (Now talking over the partition to CTO) Hey, we think you are walking funny due to a hinterland accident. Are we close????

CTO: (Audible groaning).....

WH: (I have to pull the mold out of my mouth to keep from choking on my laughter)

Missy: (Now back on CTO’s side) Well how bad is it? Anything we can help you with? You better be in love with this new girl, third degree burns are just not worth it.

WH: I can suggest silvadene cream with a light dressing till it begins to heal and then if you must groom, maybe Neat or Nair might be the way to go.

CTO: Um, oh thanks. How do you spell the name of the cream? And not only is she no longer in the picture, I will be keeping my bits furry as the big guy upstairs intended!

I honestly did not know I’d have that much fun at the dentist today. I was unable to see what he looked like but I cold hear from his gait that he was most definitely limping.

The Importance of the Pecking Order

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

** Moral of the story:**

Always let your boss have the first say.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Author Unknown Winter 1999

What we can do; yearly mammograms and monthly self breast exams. Ladies, teach your significant others how to examine your breasts. Might as well be both pro-active and have fun at least once a month.

Although I recommend as much fun per month as humanly possible, the breast exam only needs to be done once.

Use your imaginations....

Hot! Behind!!!

I wish!

What kind of gift do you get your sister the brain surgeon for her birthday? The same exact gift I got last year, only this time it was even better. Chef Danielle made an encore appearance at the Mcmansion to show us gals how to prepare a gourmet brunch.

Our menu consisted of mushroom and three cheese strata, blueberry-stuffed french toast, roasted parmesan asparagus with poached eggs and bacon and pecan waffles with caramelized bananas. We prepared all of them ourselves with the careful supervision of Chef Danielle. Of course there were Mimosas a plenty and Lil Wicked was a lean, mean, chopping machine.

We learned all kinds of tidbits from Chef Danielle, the gossipy kind. For example; a certain TV Chef, who I affectionately refer to as Bobble Head with the new Boobs, makes certain that everyone on her set knows that she is a married woman. Calm down Bobble Head, anyone can buy boobs. Also Chef Danielle has worked for a fancy schmancy author whose wife’s assistant informed our dear Chef that Mrs. Author does not speak with the common folk and to please refrain from asking about her child proof door knobs. Whatever!!!

We also learned all about the lingo one must sling around whilst in the kitchen. That would be about the only time I would have ever heard “hot behind” in my lifetime. At least I heard it!!

Lil Wicked asked that next year we schedule Chef Danielle for a midnight snack cooking class. The Chef looked right at me and stated that if the martini back pack makes an appearance, so would she. Apparently last year’s key lime martini became a big hit on her party list.

My pleasure Chef. I will begin working on the midnight cocktail. See you next year!

Two Score and Five Ago....

....Wicked H was born.

The rest, is history or the future. I guess it depends upon your perspective.

In any case, here is one of my favorite pictures. Behold, the bathing beauty that would become Wicked H.

Not Your Mama’s Pampered Chef

Last weekend I was invited to a Pampered Chef party hosted by a coworker. My first experience at one of these parties was pretty unsettling. I was surrounded by a bunch of Stepford Wives whose biggest concern was to fight over which one of them would be able to add an ingredient to whatever was being prepared. So I was unsure as to whether or not I should go.

I bit the bullet and decided to go; I need to get myself out of my comfort zone. First I have to say that our hostess lives among the beautiful people and if town homes could be considered Mcmansions, then she is living in a neighborhood full of them. Let’s call them Mcmansion Juniors. The décor of the Mcmansion Junior was straight out of Martha Stewart Living, gorgeous not my taste but very nice. I shit you not when I tell you that when I went into the guest bathroom, the toilet tissue’s corner was fanned in a way to make it extremely convenient for me to use. Who has this kind of time and energy? I thought about going back out of the bathroom when I saw the toilet paper to retrieve my phone for a photo op but I thought it would be very déclassé.

The Pampered Chef Representative was very easy going. She had a good idea of the crowd quickly and tailored her presentation accordingly. I cannot explain to you how thankful I was that we did not have to endure the twenty minute Q&A about the differences between baking and cooking. Seriously, if you don’t know the difference, there is no need for you to attend one of these events. Her spiel was very entertaining as well as informative. Hey any woman who can sell me the latest measuring device by relating it to the amount of alcohol in one shot is one hell of a salesperson. Not only did I get that question correct, she also hurled a piece of chocolate at me. Score!!

A few mimosas and one hundred dollars later, I was on my merry way. Oh if you are in the area, I am hosting a “bits and beverages” party in November. Shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get you on the list.

Subtle Incongruity

The separation of wheat from chaff is in full force and the neurotics are now basically laying in wait. They have gone from full blown parading to curling up into the fetal position.

It’s an odd thing to watch. I have lived this process for the third time now. It came close to killing me the last time but since then I have become stronger. I am of the mind set of keeping my nose to the grind stone and watching the story board develop.



Soon there will be many horses riding into this sunset. Let the conversions begin.

Closeness only Counts in Horseshoes

Thank goodness because this:



is no where near what mine looks like. I don’t have all those pesky shelves.

Next time I announce I am going on vacation, someone remind me of this.

So, how are things with all of you?

Reality, Bring It!

Okay. I have returned, refreshed, relaxed and ready to tackle whatever comes my way.

There were plenty of Merman eye candy to ogle(I only looked, did not touch), miles of beach to hike and an endless supply of libations to ingest. Seriously, isn’t this what vacations are all about?

I hear that you all complied with my request of behaving. SHAME on ALL of you. I was so looking forward to reports of tomfoolery and debauchery. No such luck. Must I do everything?

Merman Wanted, Inquire Within

It has been 45 days since my last vacation. Although I thoroughly enjoyed McMansion sitting with Google the Wonder dog, I am very excited to be heading off to the Beach.

Once again, I have no itinerary. That is simply how I roll. Besides getting myself to my destination, the rest of my beach week has no schedule. I will spend most of the daylight hours under the sun in front of the surf listening to my tunes, reading, dozing, consuming libations and if there is available eye candy to ogle, then that shall be done as well. My twilight hours will be spent in total relaxation on one of two balconies available to me; one facing the ocean the other the bay. Any time spent on the balconies of course will involve sipping cocktails while listening and watching the ocean and purging my mind of all things.

The Beach is my sanctuary. So pardon me while I go off for a week long sabbatical.

You kids behave yourselves. I am counting on you. Okay, how about this? Don’t do anything, I wouldn’t do.

Because Sometimes Self Amusement is Recommended

(Okay, first get your minds out of the gutter!)

What have you got to lose? Just try it.

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed In your brain!

Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......)and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise Circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your Right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

And there's nothing you can do about it!

You are going to try it again, if you've not already done so but the results will be the same.

We Will NEVER Forget

The Bird Feeder

This post is not meant to spread hate. As the product of a set of parents who emigrated to this country legally, the latest protests and such hit a nerve with me. My blog, my opinion.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor.

Illegals are also squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!

In My Day, An Apple Would Do....

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Scotch Whiskey?"
"No," said the little boy............ "It's a puppy!"

School is back in session. Just a friendly reminder to be alert while driving in the mornings. None of us likes to be stuck behind the school busses but we ALL have to follow the rules.

Kids are the future, lets keep them safe.

Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?

I am sure this has made the rounds previously.

I found it very interesting and a very good diversion for the many things occupying my brain right about now.

Pardon me, do you have the time?

Bonus points if you know the group who wrote/sang the song.

Drinking Club with a Running Problem

Although I enjoy the motto of this club, they seem to have bigger problems than drinking and running combined.

In this current post 9/11 world, marking your running trail in such a dubious manner is more than just a little reckless not to mention stupid.

Somehow, my being an in home mixologist seems less eccentric compared to this bunch. I seriously suggest the World Hash House Harriers engage some brain cells before marking their next trail.

Proactivity, Stay Away from Scissors!

You Are Paper

Crafty and creative, you are able to adapt freely to almost any situation. People tend to underestimate you, unless they've truly seen what you are capable of. Deep down, you're always scheming and thinking up new plans. Your mind is constantly active. You are quite capable of anything you dream of. You can always figure out a way to get what you want. You can wrap a rock person up in your sheet of trickery. A scissor person can sneak up and cut you to pieces. When you fight: No one can anticipate your next move. If someone makes you mad: You'll attack them mercilessly when they're unprepared

Are You Rock, Paper, or Scissors?

Cha-CHING

I know I must have a relative in Indiana. Preferably the one who won the Mega Lottery.

Frantically researching my family tree.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Things that Make you Go Hmmm

“The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get the old ones out.” –Dee Hock, creator and first CEO of Visa

Hey, if we can all wrap our minds around this, what a better place our world would be.

N’est pas?

Who Doesn’t Love a Parade?

Well friends, the Neurosis are on high alert. Bring on the bumpy goodness and all that goes with it. Some degree of imagination needs to be put to good use, again.

I know, sorry.

I can tell you that whatever the outcome, I am mentally prepared. I can only come up with 2 scenarios for the conclusion of this drama. Hopefully I will be on the good end of scenario number one. If not, all this will become so much clearer for all of you yet more than a little disparaging for me.

I will quote one of my favorite inspirational posters in closing:

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.”

Strike up the band, the parade is starting.

Medical People are the Most “Interesting” Patients

My sister, the brain surgeon, recently had a visit with her ophthalmologist. Unfortunately, she is having some rapid changes with her eyes which lead her doctor to order some type of special contact lenses in order to correct her vision. I don’t know about the rest of you but I’d rather anyone who is to cut into my brain to have the best possible vision available.

BS was given her new set of lenses and she inserted them with no problem. Her vision was where it should be, all was well. Until she tried to remove them. Apparently these lenses are both hard and soft. In order to be able to remove them the use of the tiny suction cup apparatus is essential. The tech handed BS the suction cup and asked her to practice removing the lenses.

The following is how this scenario developed:

BS: (with suction cup affixed to one lens, trying to pull with a degree of force) They don’t seem to want to leave my eye.

Tech: Oh, it’s unfamiliar territory. Try grabbing the lens at the edge of your eye with the suction cup.

BS: (reminding the Tech that she performs this ritual regularly on her patients who come into the trauma room wearing contacts) Okay but really they aren’t budging and now it is quite painful. Do you mind trying?

Tech: Oh! I don’t like playing with people’s eyes. Let me get the other Tech.

BS: ..??..??..(plunger still attached to her eyeball)

Tech 2: Hi, let me try. (She takes control of the plunger and tries every possible angle to remove the lens to no avail)

BS: (who now looks like she’s been on a week long bender due to the major irritation of her eyes via plunger and stuck lenses) Perhaps we should ask the Doctor to come back in

Tech 2: Good idea, let me go get him.

It is important that you all know that BS has known this Doctor and his brother who is his partner since before they were in Medical School. On with the story.

Doc: You seem to be causing my Techs some drama. Step in front of this machine and let me get a closer look.

BS: (complies with the request, notices that the Doctor has a very sharp tiny forcep in his hand headed directly to her eye. Slight anxiety ensues)

Doc: Okay, I got it! Ooops! (The lens flies off the forcep, bumps off BS’s chin and now is missing)

Doc: Okay. I don’t want anyone to make any quick moves, we need to find the lens. (Everyone is carefully looking for the lens.)

BS: Well, it’s hard for me to see now that one lens is out and the other has irritated my eye beyond helping it.

Doc: Well after careful searching we cannot find it. I guess you will have to disrobe. Perhaps the lens is hiding on you.

Tech and Tech 2: (nervously shuffling around in the room, generally one does not disrobe for an eye exam)

BS: Alrighty then, have any mood music?

It was before she started stripping that she noticed the lens hanging on the knob of the machine the Doctor was using. Crisis and strip tease averted. The Doctor order an alternative type of lens for BS and she went on her merry way.

What Can I Say?

So, what’s new with all of you? Spill it.

Unexpected Thank You

One of the many times I have been in the Dulles International Airport’s Customs waiting area this summer, I encountered something that I meant to share. I was waiting for a family member to come through the doors when I was privileged to witness something really incredible.

We, the other mass of folks and I, were anxiously watching as the doors that lead from Customs as they whooshed open. The returning travelers usually come out in small groups. It had been a few minutes and no one came though Customs. All of a sudden one passenger emerged from the doors and the entire waiting room took in a breath.

A lone soldier emerged from the doors not expecting anyone to greet him. He was in his fatigues and obviously just arrived from his duty. The crowd waiting did not miss a beat. Those of us sitting, stood. The rest of us stood still and began to clap in silence for a moment. The soldier was confused. He turned to look behind him to see who was deserving of the standing ovation. It was not until strangers approached him and thanked him that he realized we were welcoming him home.

I still get goose bumps thinking of this and I cannot describe a better reason to be proud.

Passionately Ambivalent

Talk amongst yourselves......discuss.

Crazy week ahead, mingle.

I’ll make it up to you, promise!

Creation as it Relates to Managed Care

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.


God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

If I knew who the original author was, I'd share a Zone Bar with him or her while pre-authorizing anything medical of their choosing.

Happy Weekend Kids!

Hi. My Name is Wicked H and I am a Procrastinator

I am not proud of this fact but so far it has served me quite well. I realize I can test fate only so far but why stop while I am on the good end of the stick. Twelve step programs be damned!

I ask you, how many of you out there could have pulled this off today? It is the last day of the month, the day where all other procrastinators are also on line at the emissions testing station and the DMV. What type of time frame would you imagine I needed to keep my vehicle legally on the road? I was guessing that the emissions test would have taken me at least three hours which would have gotten me to the dreaded DMV around 3 pm. I know what you are thinking. Re- registering my vehicle could have taken place online. No kidding, I am Queen of online errands. Remember, grocery shopping, hello Peapod. However, emissions testing you have to do in person, so I put it off. I will admit that I went to the emissions testing place in Maryland while on vacation asking them why they couldn’t just test my emissions there when my vehicle is registered in Virginia. Yes, yes, they laughed at me. Bastards!

So, I am giddy to report that it took one hour for my emissions test and then a mere 20 minutes in the DMV on the LAST of the month.

HA!!

They say good things come in threes. To round off my perfect day and to further prove the procrastination theorem, I finally dialed the phone number of my new brother. I have had his number for well over a month and just kept putting the call off. I don’t have a good reason. We did communicate promptly via e-mail, I am not a total sloth. I am happy to report that I have made my first connection via this blog. I am even happier to report that he sounds just as I imagined he would. This is the real McCoy. I cannot wait to get to know him better.

It remains my postulate that procrastination, engineered wisely, can be extremely beneficial.

There will be a quiz in the morning. Number two pencils required.

Back to Reality

Vacation time is over and I am back. My first priority was to calculate the number of days until my next vacation; 45. I can do it, yes I can! If I forget that fact, you all need to remind me.

I am counting on all of you, no pressure!

Living like the McMansioned was quite fun but I am more than content to be in my own abode. I am busy trying to find the top of my desk at work; it keeps me out of trouble. Not really but it sounded good, right? I am not sure how life would be if I was not in some sort of trouble while on someone else’s time. I find it invigorating. Part of my charm, take it or leave it.

I am going through hot tub withdrawal so I am off to mix another martini and chill on the deck. Cheers, kids.

What Happens at the McMansion Stays at the McMansion

I am happy to report that my vacation is going exactly the way it was planned; no itineraries go with the flow. Most excellent, you all should try this at least once.

I am just returning from cocktails and dinner with a couple of the Bunco Babes. You just cannot go wrong with martinis and seafood. Besides the waiter accidentally dumping coffee cream into one of our purses, the night was perfect.

As my title suggests, there are events transpiring that I cannot speak of; certain things are simply taboo. If you know me at all, I will spill the beans at some point. No worries.

Okay kids, the hot tub is all filled and waiting for me. Behave yourselves or at least give it the ole college try…

How Can You Miss Me If I Won't Go Away?

V is for vanishing act.
A is for abandoning the daily grind.
C is for cancelling all calls, e-mails, reports and faxes.
A is for absent, with leave.
T is for traipsing and lots of it.
I is for intermission, will a week suffice?
O is for Orange Oasis, Orangico Royal, Old Etonian you understand?
N is for navigation, the leisurely kind.

That is right kids, it’s time for me to get out of dodge. Long overdue if I must say. I have no concrete plans which is my best kind of Holiday.

I am entrusting the Interwebs to all of you. Don’t be surprised if you hear from me here and there. Don’t count on it; it’s not a vacation if I have to meet any type of schedule.

See you soon.

Curb the Damn Enthusiasm

I am trying to like the new show "The Singing Bee." However I have a few bones to pick with the concept.

The first of which being the amount of jubilation exhibited by the contestants; my suggestion would be for all of them to be dosed with ADD meds before the cameras start rolling. Seriously, you've made it on the show, concentrate and get the songs right. We honestly don't need that much exaltation. Have some dignity.

While we are speaking of dignity, why do we need the "fly girls" gyrating in the back ground and on the way to each commercial break? Their actual title is the honey bees or some such nonsense. This goes back to my not liking errant dancing while anyone is on stage. We have plenty to focus on with this show, enough with the dancing.

It is a good show if you can get past the aforementioned distractions. If you've seen it, let me know what you think? If you haven't yet and you are up on most song lyrics, you'll enjoy this show.

Mimosas for Everyone!

Many of you were quite concerned with my parental units' recent escapade.

I am so very happy to report that the crisis has been averted and that they are now back in possession of both passports and tickets. Trying to explain to them that the receipt for the ticket is the actual ticket and that once they make it to the airport, a piece of paper resembling a ticket will be produced took more than 20 minutes.

And you all wonder why I drink so much; now you know.

Summer Time and Blogging is Not So Easy

Between the crazy pace at work and the oppressive heat, I’ve got nothing.

Blogstipation, if you will. I will work on finding some bloggish fiber and get back with the program.

Until then, let me know what’s happening with all of you

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

It seems like only yesterday that I was driving up north from NC to Metro DC through the worst thunder storm trying to get to the hospital in time to meet my niece and make sure that my sister was going to be alright. Brain Surgeon was having a difficult birth and even though she was throwing her BS weight around in the hospital she worked in, she lost the fight and they wheeled her in for a cesarian section. She wanted a normal delivery. Sous Chef Mermaid was born on this day twelve years ago.

What happened to the days where making goofy faces would elicit a toothless grin? Where is the little girl who on her first birthday refused to touch the cake because both her parents were anal about messes? Grand Ma just took the little one’s hand and plunged it into the cake. I had never seen a panicked look on a one year old’s face before that moment. Where is the little one who would crunch through the leaves with her Aunt Wicked stopping every 10 steps to observe one thing or another? I can’t tell you how many times I would watch the VHS video of her running back and forth in their first house babbling something incoherent over and over into the camera. The best video was the one they sent me while she was opening up the mammoth Elmo blanket a gift from me; the look on her face was unforgettable.

Sous Chef Mermaid has blossomed into quite a dazzling young lady. I am so impressed with her and proud of the person she has become. The kid has more stamps on her passport than most adults. She and I spend quality time by watching the Project Runway Marathon on New Year’s Eve. She recently tried to teach me to catch up with the technological scene and introduced me to Wii. Of course I failed miserably but we had the best time. It’s cool to see how she has grabbed certain traits from each of us. She has a good mix from all the genes available in her pool.



The best complement to me was that she recently started blogging and she chose Lil Wicked as her moniker. Now if that doesn’t tug at your heart strings, then you are dead inside.

Happy Birthday Lil Wicked!! I didn’t know that my love for you could get any stronger but is does with each passing day.

Now you all go and wish her a Happy Birthday while I go and compose myself. I have a party to get to and I am all verklempt!!!

Octogeneric Long Distance Comedy

My Parents remain in the homeland. They are having a good time. Although I have noticed that they are more homesick this time than usual. It very well may have to do with them missing Sous Chef Mermaid and Smelly, their newest Grand daughter. The last two phone calls involved many mentions of how much they miss all of us. On previous jaunts, they never really vocalized that fact as much.

On the 4th of July I phoned my Parents to see how they were doing. They have been together for more than 50 years and I honestly believe it is due to the fact that they can bicker constantly and then forge ahead as well as enjoy quality time apart. I found out that my Dad was off on a beach trip while my Mom remained at the home front with her siblings. This is a little snippet of our conversation:

Mom: How is everyone there doing? Are you keeping in touch with your sisters?

Wicked: Yes Mom, everyone is fine.

Mom: How is Smelly? Have you seen Smelly?

Wicked: Mom she is growing like the wind, although she is only five months old. She really still only eats, sleeps and poops. You haven’t missed much, trust me.

Mom: Your Father is mad at me.

Wicked: What now?

Mom: He thinks I lost our return tickets and passports.

Wicked: Really? He left them in your care? He is usually too anal about stuff like that.

Mom: He swears that he gave them all to me and now they are missing. Of course, he has his passport.

Wicked: I am relatively sure he did not give them to you, he is a control freak after all.

Mom: I know, I agree. You need to help us find them.

Wicked: Mom, you and I are on separate continents right now. I can only suggest places he may have hidden them. Check all the zippered compartments of the suit cases, the far recesses of any and all drawers, etc.

Mom: Eh! It’s his problem. If he lost my passport, then I guess I will stay here with my brothers and sisters.

Wicked: Okay, you know what is best. I guess we will have to just show Smelly pictures of you...

Mom: Fine! I need to get off the phone and start searching. Bye....Love you!

As I was going to work today, I noticed I had a message on my cell phone. Being the low-tech gal that I am, once I enter the sanctuary of my home, I don’t carry my cell around with me in the house. I still am of the I need a land line school of thought.

The message was from my Father. He was telling me that he was at a beach with friends and that my Mother has lost her passport and both of their return tickets. He requested that I help her retrieve the items. I just shook my head as I giggled. Remember I am on an entirely different continent and can only offer support by phone.

It is of note that my younger sister, Maternal Countessa - Smelly’s Mom, also got a call today from our Dad. He told her the same story. She, not being too supportive, asked him what exactly he thought she could do for them? Shocker that he hung up on her.

You have to love the long distance hijinks that my Parents can generate. Maternal Countessa told me that Mom could simply go to the nearest American Embassy and get a new passport lickety split. I reminded her that in this post 9/11 world, there will be no re-issuing of passports lickety or splitting. Shocker that she hung up on me too.

I need a drink.

Stay tuned to find out if our Parents are able to return together or not.

Make that drink a double!!

Cheers.

Happy Birthday America!!!

However you celebrate, please do it safely.

I will be back at work on Thursday. Those of you lucky enough to have the rest of the week off, enjoy!

To Our Troops: We thank you, love and support you and hope that all of you are coming home soon.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Concert for Diana

As I sit here watching the Concert in Honor of Diana, I come away with a huge obstacle. Why do today’s popular artists need back up dancers? I just don’t get it. Personally I could care less who is up there gyrating along with the music. Just give me the singer, his/her music, the band and let me enjoy. Who needs this much extra stimulation? Not me. For the record, it is very distracting.

Perhaps it is a generational thing. So I am a dinosaur, I am okay with that. You don’t see a bunch of people wriggling about while Elton or Rod Stewart are out there doing their thing.

Hope you all are enjoying the concert.

I Frenzy? No Thanks!

I don’t get it. I’ll admit to being technologically challenged. I don’t understand why all you techies want to go out and make a substantial purchase when you know it will have major glitches and the like? Is it so you can be one of the first? One of the first who will undoubtedly complain of it’s short comings.

First generation anything is flawed. Even my non-tech self knows that.

Those of you who have one, enjoy!

Whatever. I’ll be on the deck enjoying the weather and more than a few martinis.

Have a great weekend!!

Life is a Beach!!

Little Smelly has learned quickly that if you want to hang with the
Wicked Family, you must learn the rules of the Beach.

1) Relaxation; she takes it one step further with this cool infant
tent deal.
2) Proper attire; check!
3) Liquor; although she is only able to consume 2 beers during each
outing, she is on the right track.

We wait until age 4 when she will have a good grasp on her sippy cup until we introduce her to margaritas!

Inaugural Summer Solstice Celebration

I honestly cannot think of a better way to ring in the summer other than enjoying a gourmet picnic dinner complete with wine on a perfectly breezy, non-oppressively hot night with a few thousand other Harry Connick, Jr fans. Last night Brain Surgeon and I attended the concert at one of my all time favorite venues, Wolf Trap™.

I am way past the point of being able to enjoy a concert on the lawn. However, we always have our picnic on the lawn and then go find our seats in the pavilion and have a good time. Of course no outing is complete without humorous observations of the gathering public, here are the highlights:

Red Wagon Lady: We were standing in the short line to retrieve our pre-paid picnic dinner and along comes this woman with a little red wagon. She was asked what she was going to do with the wagon and she reported that she was there to pick up 100 dinners. Why she felt that she was privileged enough to go to the head of the line to gather her dinners, is beyond me. However it was more than amusing to watch her try to juggle all those meals. It did not go well for her. She very well may still be trying to figure out the logistics this many hours later.

Family Unit Next to Us: We made our little camp on a hillside under a tree and proceeded to take in the surroundings. A young family set up next to us, a husband and wife, their 4 year old son and infant child. This may have been their first outing since the infant was born and they were rather unorganized. They had their food, wine and picnic materials but they left their corkscrew and knife needed to slice up their cheese in the car. Why do I know this? The Father was explaining that to his son while the Mother was tending to the infant. Wicked Sisters to the rescue; I quietly handed him our corkscrew and knife. Crisis averted.

Turquoise Cowgirl: In front of us we had a group of twenty-somethings. They were clearly Wolf Trap™ regulars. We could tell due to the organization of their food items. The Cowgirl brought one of those collapsible camping chairs; a good idea although we were on a rather steep decline. I can tell you that I was more than a bit disappointed that I was unable to watch the chair collapse as soon as she tried to sit on it.

Once we were done dining, we packed up our camp and headed for our seats. The deluge began right at that moment. Again, the seasoned attendees were prepared. All other were SOL. The concert itself was fantastic. A very mixed crowd of people, they all enjoyed themselves.

We decided that each summer solstice needs to be celebrated accordingly. Hope you all made a special time of it. Have a great weekend!

Hind Site, Always 20/20

Note to self. Next time there is a co-workers send off to take place at a Japanese Steak House on the hottest day of the year, bring some type of ice pack to keep yourself cool. I found out the hard way that menopausal women and open air hibachis do not mix.

Besides that, I am glad we gathered for our now big deal Radiology Tech. I got to know him very well over the course of the past five years. We really formed a tight bond when we were stuck in my office for a whole weekend putting together office furniture which came in at least 800 pieces. Fun times, eh “P?”

Even during times when he did not know he was going to make it through Radiology Tech School, the rest of us had no doubts he would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will most certainly miss his razor sharp humor and his limitless kindness.

Good luck “P.” If I ever break my hip, I will get my pelvis right down to Texas and have you take the pictures.

The Silent Wolf Whistle

Today our usual group went out to lunch. I really enjoy this bunch of women; we have a variety of ages and backgrounds. Never a dull moment with these gals; we are generally snorting our food from all the laughter.

As we were leaving our favorite establishment, we noticed that not only were we the only group of women present we also were drawing all the attention from the rest of the patrons. I mean when they all stopped chewing to watch us leave, we must have been a site for sore eyes.

Sometimes the silent wolf whistle is really good for a girl’s ego.

Dear Mary Kay Master's Class Makeup Artist:

It has indeed been educational watching you park parallel in front of my office window each morning at 7:40 AM.

After witnessing your primping ritual, I thank the heavens for remaining a low maintenance woman. Seriously Lady, eight layers of makeup is overkill. I am impressed with your unwavering concentration; however. You seem oblivious to our patient’s glaring and sometimes honking at you. You may not have noticed that the parking spaces are drawn to be pulled into. Your placement is wiping out at least four prime parking slots. Our patient’s don’t feel well; they don’t want to walk the extra steps just so you can look impeccable.

I am also so very intrigued by the fact that once you are done, you put your car back into gear and drive across the street and park in front of your workplace. I am guessing that the powers that be at your job would frown on this behavior.

In any case, if I ever need to apply 8 layers of makeup, I now know exactly what to do. I will tap on your window and ask that you give me a make over.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked

Only in Baltimore

I doubt pretty highly that any other city could host such an event. Having been born in Baltimore, I am proud(?) to admit that I totally understand why this gathering happens. I have added it to my “ to do” list. If I had only known it was happening this weekend.

I really need to be more organized. Instead I will enjoy my extreme bonding time with my favorite niece and her furry brother. We will also find time to include the newest addition to the brood. Must start the infant set at an early age.

I leave you with the DicsHONary. Study up because there will be a quiz.

Enjoy your weekend!!

The Wisdom of Steven Wright

“They tell you practice makes perfect. Then they tell you no one is perfect. So, I stopped practicing.”

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

If you have favorite quotes from him, let me hear them. If you have tickets to see him Friday night at the Warner Theatre, perhaps I’ll see you there.

Ride the Painted Pony, Make the Spinning Wheel Spin

The Tournament Parade is still in progress. I can say that under normal circumstances life would be more difficult. Since I tend to stray from anything normal, it is only slightly amusing to sit back and watch it unfold. When it's time, I will divulge.

Today I had an interesting exchange with Maternal Countessa. She and I have not been close since 2000. Prior to that we were quite close. Times change, events alter lives, whatever.

Today I was called upon to offer my sisterly advice. I can definitely guarantee that MC has not asked for my advice since 2000. The details are not important. What struck me was that we spent 40 minutes on the phone laughing, exchanging ideas, listening to one another and making future plans.

Maybe becoming a Mother has changed her for the better. It doesn’t matter, I will enjoy this closeness as long as it lasts. I quite enjoy having 2 sisters, again

Tournament of Neurosis Parade

This is as much detail as I can go into. If you have healthy imaginations, I suggest you use them.

Many strange happenings in my corner of the world; I am satisfied to just sit back and see how it all unfolds. I’ve been through similar scenarios before so I find that to be a slight advantage. I always seem to fall on my feet in the end. Que sera, sera.

Buckle up friends, it is proving to be a bumpy ride.

Code Orange!!!

I am not talking weather, either.

I took Brain Surgeon to Dulles today. She is headed to a big deal BS Conference in the Motherland. It’s not bad enough that the woman operates on brains but then she goes and shows off by taking an International trip to attend a big-league conference and surprise our Parents and relatives. Whatever!!!

I dropped BS off at the departure section and by the time I parked my vehicle and returned to the terminal, there was a full Code Orange Alert being announced. I first thought, wow that’s nice of the folks at Dulles to let us know how toxic the air outside is. Then I listened closer. A tabby cat had escaped it’s crate and was now loose inside Dulles International. To make this story even better, the cat escaped right in front of BS. Did she even bother to help? Nope. If it’s not brain surgery, she doesn’t have the time.

Anyhoo, I hope the tabby was found. I am not much of a cat person. Mainly because of allergies. However, if my pet was running loose inside ( hopefully) an airport, I am sure I would lose my shit right there in front of God and everyone.

I have performed my kindred duty by making sure BS got past the TSA check point and alerted the rest of the family in the US of A of her progression. So if you will excuse me, I have a very cold Corona waiting to be consumed on my deck.

This just in, a black and white kitty cat has adopted my deck as it’s second home.

Great! Achoo!



Hey CEO, I know Holmes cannot be replaced - NO WAY. But if you are in the adopting mood, let me know.

When I Grow Older, I Shall Try this While Wearing My Purple Hat

Much Older Wicked (MOW): Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

MOW: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

MOW: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

MOW: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

MOW: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

MOW: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

MOW: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

MOW: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

MOW: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

MOW: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing, but an empty trunk

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

MOW: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

MOW: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The Bashful Cousins

Can you imagine what fun will be had when Sous Chef Mermaid unleashes all her wisdom unto Smelly?

I can’t wait!!!

Memorial Day Weekend

Eyes Wide Open, the American Friends Service Committee’s widely-acclaimed exhibition on the human cost of the Iraq War, features a pair of boots honoring each U.S. military casualty, a field of shoes and a Wall of Remembrance to memorialize the Iraqis killed in the conflict, and a multimedia display exploring the history, cost and consequences of the war.

On this weekend of rememberence, I urge you to take a look at this. It's haunting.

To our troops abroad and in the USA, we love and support you. We are proud of each and every one of you. We wish you a safe and quick return home.

Medical Tenancy 201

Oh poor Foot and Ankle Boy. I was pretty sure we’d gone over the rules of tenancy. Obviously, you weren't paying attention.

I heard a ruckus in our office today. I followed the noise to our reception area. Much to my surprise, I had the displeasure of witnessing our (cough) beloved tenant having a complete meltdown. Right there in front of our waiting patients. It seems Foot and Ankle Boy’s feathers got ruffled because he was unable to surf our internet. He was also agitated because our main copier/printer/wonder gadget was out of commission. Guess what? We were able to overcome the copier obstacle by writing down any information vital to our needs and carry on. All that and we don’t even have extra letters behind our names. Can you imagine??

We collectively tried to explain to him that the IT Gods have barred all of us from surfing. We are now forced to be 100% productive while on the clock. Believe it or not, we have never been this fruitful. Of course since Foot and Ankle Boy is above the rest of us, he demanded that we give him the magic password for surfing privileges.

Okay. I agree that proclaiming “DUH!” was more than a bit unprofessional; however the resulting arm flapping was SO worth it. An even better reaction was elicited when we collectively walked away from him mid-tirade. The crowning moment occurred when the Administrator made a very timely visit and clipped the Boy’s wings.

She reminded him that if his needs surpassed what were originally agreed to, he was more than welcome to pay for our staff’s services. Another option given to him was to bring his own computer, copier and whatever other machine and or human he needed to survive in our location. Thirdly, he was reminded that if he could find another office with accommodations such as ours complete with reasonable rent, he was more than welcome to be successful elsewhere.

Oh! SNAP!!

The rest of the day was so very pleasant. Not a peep from Foot and Ankle Boy. Any guesses as to what he will do next? Supply his own equipment and staff or pack up and leave. We have a pool going, let me know if you want in.

My Kidney for a Tank?

Seriously. This petrol pricing thing has gotten way out of control. I know we are all feeling the pain at the pumps. I figured you all would enjoy the new signs appearing soon at your favorite gas station.



Seems fitting.

Precious Commodities

Internets, you never fail me. Thanks for the jokes, limericks, links, etc. Some of you have a sick sense of humor and this is why I love you!

Between you all and these 2, I am trying to refocus.



Hope all of you had a restorative weekend as well.....

Ipso Facto

The weather is quite nice in my part of the world and work is status quo.

Between the death of an Uncle and trying to help a good friend deal with the fact that her young nephew is battling a brain tumor, I am uninspired.

I am appealing to you, Internets. Make me smile. I know I can count on you!

Sad, But So True.....

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful & Psycho


Be prepared AND very afraid!!!

Honor Your Mothers

There are times when only a Mother's love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappoints
And calm all of our fears.

There are times when only a Mother's love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we've dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.

There are times when only a Mother's faith
Can help us on life's way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.

For a Mother's heart and a Mother's faith
And a Mother's steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above.

~Author Unknown~


Wishing all the Moms out there a day filled with pampering and happiness. Enjoy it while it lasts!!

I’ve got nothing but a Trip Down Memory Lane……

"A lick and a promise" was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous.

Here is a list that our parents and grandparents used that we don't hear much anymore. Perhaps you have some memorable old phrases of your own that you could add to the list:

• A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)
• An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)
• A bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)
• At sea (lost or not understanding something)
• Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
• Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
• Barking up the wrong tree (same as above)
• Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose)
• Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
• Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)
• Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)
• Calaboose (a jail)
• Cattywampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
• Dicker (To barter or trade)
• Feather In Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
• Hold your horses (Be patient!)
• Hoosegowl ( a jail)
• I reckon (I suppose)
• Jawing (Talking or arguing)
• Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
• Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)
• Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)
• No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
• Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
• Pert-near (short for pretty near)
• Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
• Red up (clean as the house)
• Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
• Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
• Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
• Sparking (courting)
• Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)
• Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)
• Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
• We wash up real fine (is another goodie)
• Tie the Knot (to get married)
• Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)
• Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
• Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)
• Wearing your "best bib and tucker" (Being all dressed up)
• You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just a lick and a promise.

Get Real

Because I love to share and I hate talking to machines when it comes to customer service issues, I give you this:

If you've called your insurance company lately, or any other large
corporation, then you know that it is near impossible to get an actual human
being on the line. This cool site, created by Paul English, has an
extensive list of big companies and tips on how "to find a human" when you
call them.

This has been another of several PSA's for the Wicked Network - you're welcome!

Ole!

And why don't you have your buzzz on? Pass the magueritas.

Helpful Hints from Wicked H; Long Live the Queen Edition

Apparently her Royal Highness will be visiting our area starting today. In an effort to show the Queen that we Americans have a little decorum, I’d like to share a few Queen related etiquette items.

Bowing and curtsying are no longer acceptable. When meeting the Queen; a simple nod of the head is sufficient. We are to refer to her as Ma’am. Take her lead when it comes to shaking her hand. If she extends the royal hand, grasp it gently. Those fingers are valuable, no sense causing any type of injury. For the topic of small talk, keep it simple. Ask her about the Grand Children; however bringing up their love lives or drunken debauchery, probably not a good idea. If you run out of things to talk about, ask her about that sugar cube that she is rumored to carry in her pocket book.

My invitation must have been lost in the mail, I am sure that is the only reason I was not invited to any of the events surrounding her royal visit. So, if any of you are privileged enough to attend, let the rest of us commoners know how it went.

One last thing if you see her and must wave, remember all digits pointed up as if you were inserting a light bulb into a fixture.

May Day

Dance around a maypole, send a basket of flowers to your favorite friend. Or consider that the Celts chose this day to celebrate the Beltane, the “Return of the Sun.”

These are useless factoids that clutter my brain. You’re welcome!

Bunco Babes

Mama’s lock up your sons. The Bunco Squad is headed out for a weekend of SPAing, drinking, lounging and after all that will surely come carousing. Am I right Ladies???

It is a very tight knit group these Bunco playing Babes. They all have mcmansions and coincidentally all reside in Brain Surgeon’s neighborhood. I have met a scant few of them and they do not disappoint. I am proud to be allowed into the traveling escapades of this sisterhood.

I really hope they don’t whip out the dice and start exchanging recipes because if that is the case, I will surely be a fish out of water. If the e-mail exchanges are any indication, nobody is bringing any dice. It was requested by more than one of them that I bring the ole martini back pack and a couple of appetizers. Others are bringing numerous bottles of wine, red and white, beer, champagne and a few concoctions I have never heard of but am anxious to try out.

So if you will excuse me, I need to figure out what clothes to bring along for the times we are not lounging around in fluffy white robes sipping lemon water and relaxing. Also, I need to start my liver exercises so that I can try and delay what surely will become cirrhosed soon enough.

Off to the mountains where I will surround myself with mood lighting, the sound of trickling water, soothing lotions and potions to purify and de-age skin and assuagement.

Try not to miss me, too much.

The Brain Tumor Society's Race for Hope

This year the Family Wicked has decided to support the Brain Tumor Society by participating in their Race for Hope.

If you happen to be in DC on Sunday May 6th and you run into Brain Surgeon, Sous Chef Mermaid and myself, cheer us on. This race is near and dear to Brain Surgeon for a few reasons, the first being that this is her area of expertise. The reason we are joining is to support one of her collegues. A family member of the collegue is suffering from an inoperable tumor and we hope that by cooperating to the cause other's will be more fortunate.

This being a relatively private blog, I am not too keen on giving you a direct donation button to our team. However, if you are so inclined feel free to donate by going here.

It's certainly a worthy cause and we are proud to be representing.

Family Wicked is in the House!

Stipulation Upon Further Review

Until recently, I just did not quite grasp the whole wisdom appearing with age concept. This month it not only made an appearance, I used my finesse to get my point across. Are conditions ideal? At the moment for me, impeccable.

I don’t understand the entire process of the circumstances. I believe they will come to light as time passes and scenarios take place. I do have an extensive perspicacity of the fraternity. It is a very transparent congregation. No better or worse than myself, mere mortals.

There is no failure to communicate, rather a grand decay of epic proportions. Or is it really?

For now, I am satisfied. Those who know me are aware that if the mood strikes, things can change rather expeditiously. I am content to control the center for the best mobility and forward progression.