Friday, August 03, 2007

Creation as it Relates to Managed Care

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

If I knew who the original author was, I'd share a Zone Bar with him or her while pre-authorizing anything medical of their choosing.

Happy Weekend Kids!


The CEO said...

I'm telling everyone that you wrote it. Can I get a year's worth of massages, please?

Wicked H said...

CEO: Sure, just get me your ins info and I'll get a years worth pre-certed. Just tell me what you want your therapist to look like. It is a separate and longer process but you are worth it.

t2ed said...

I'm pretty sure Satan had a hand in bacon as well. A food so go you wrap other food in it. Like you'd touch a water chestnut otherwise.

Frances said...

That's definitely one I have to pass on.
Too funny.
Waving at you from a steaming hot New York,

Karina said...

That was fabulous! Props to the author, whoever they may be, and thanks to you for sharing it! ;-)

qualcosa di bello said...

i always knew ben & jerry's was evil! (just one more bite...just one more bite...just one more bite...)

JennieBoo said...

This is AWESOME!

I'm going to link to it in a friend's email.

She'll get a kick out of it!

Thanks for sharing..

Hope you have a happy weekend!

Jannis said...

That was hilarious! I Love it!

susan said...

This is just too funny! Now I know who to blame for my less than svelte figure!

Wicked H said...

T2ed: Ha! So true.

Frances: Hot and steamy here too, stay cool my friend.

Karina: Glad you enjoyed it.

Q-Di Bello: B&J Evil, evil goodness.

Wicked H said...

J-Boo: Linking to others is very good. Enjoy the weekend!

Jannis: Why thank you.

Susan: We have to blame someone, why not? ;-)

sophie said...

Getting a laugh off weight and health care in the same joke. Good one!