Memorial Day

Memorial Day Weekend traditionally marks the beginning of summer. However, during your upcoming celebrations, stop and think about the true meaning of the day, which is to honor those who in uniform who have given what Lincoln called "the last full measure of devotion."

Unlearned Lesson

Memorial Day
Of every year
The little valiant
Flags appear
On every fallen
Soldier's grave--
Symbol of what
Each died to save.
And we who see
And still have breath--
Are we no wiser
For their death?

~Dorothy Brown Thompson~

Bawk, BAWK

Why did the chicken cross the road?
(I can only take credit for passing this one along - enjoy!)

*_BARACK OBAMA:_*
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

*_JOHN MC CAIN:_*
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road!

*_HILLARY CLINTON:_*
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure --
right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.......

*_DR. PHIL:_*
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

*_OPRAH:_*
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

*_GEORGE W. BUSH:_*
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken
is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

*_COLIN POWELL_*:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road...

*_ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:_*
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

*_JOHN KERRY:_*
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

*_NANCY GRACE:_*
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

*_PAT BUCHANAN_*:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

*_MARTHA STEWART:_*
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

*_DR SEUSS_*:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

*_ERNEST HEMINGWAY:_*
To die in the rain. Alone.

*_JERRY FALWELL:_*
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain
and as simple as that.

*_GRANDPA:_ *
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

*_BARBARA WALTERS:_*
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

*_ARISTOTLE:_*
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

*_JOHN LENNON:_*
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.

*_BILL GATES:_*
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

*_ALBERT EINSTEIN:_*
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

*_BILL CLINTON:_*
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

*_AL GORE_*
I invented the chicken!

*_COLONEL SANDERS_*:
Did I miss one?

*_DICK CHENEY:_*
Where's my gun!

Knowledge is Power, Not in this Case

I am extremely happy to report that my Father did very well and is now at home.

He is in his early eighties, a physician and this was his first (and last we hope) major surgery in his lifetime. I won’t go into all the sordid details of the surgery but I will tell you he was released with 50 staples holding his mid to lower back together. I can also share that every person from orderly, food service personnel, nurses’ aides/ assistance, nurses, physical and occupational therapists, physicians’ assistants, nurse practitioners and his Surgeon treated him like royalty. We spent the better part of a week at Washington Hospital Center. As a person who also works in the health care community, I can report that I noticed most everyone that works there seems quite content with their job. Not an easy feat in any work environment. Now some might argue that my Father received preferential treatment since Brain Surgeon works there however there were countless personnel who had no idea who he was other than another patient in the facility. Hats off to the staff at WHC, my Father’s experience was a good one.

It is widely known that medical people make the worst patients. In my Father’s case, he was waiting for every negative outcome to occur instead of focusing on the positives. Considering all the possible post operative negatives that could have transpired, he was only subjected to a few. The main obstacle was his projectile vomiting episode late into the night following his surgery. Unfortunately for her, this took place on Brain Surgeons watch. She took the first night of bedside care of my Father. She had to work the next day she figured that would make the best sense. Needless to say, she got zero sleep that night and had to go to pull her normal 13 hour shift the next day.

My Father refused to use his narcotic delivery pump for fear that he would be hooked on morphine. Several times during my shifts with him I seriously gave thought to figuring out how to hook that pump into my arm. (I kid! Well, I did have the recurring thoughts...)During his immediate pre-op interview, he was asked what his allergies were? My Father listed them in the following order: lard, MSG, penicillin and sulfa drugs. I am very sure there was not going to be any sprinkling of MSG into the incision nor lard used to flush out an IV line. I guess he wanted cover all his bases. Even in his post-op haze, he was able to explain to anyone within an earshot of the evils of MSG and how any item in the clear liquid post-op diet included the dreaded ingredient. That on top of the projectile vomiting kept him from ingesting anything by mouth besides tea.

All that aside, he was up and walking around as was ordered and things are going very well. He is at home recuperating and so far his biggest complaints are constipation and incontinence. Both should calm down as the anesthesia metabolizes out of his body. My Mother is having more than a bit of anxiety as she is no longer the center of attention, but they will have to work that out. I love my Mother but we have created a monster. (Another post for another time.)

Thank you all for the well wishes, thoughts, prayers and e-mails. I know each and every one of them helped all of us.

I need to ask you all a huge favor.

My Father is going in for major surgery tomorrow and I need all the good thoughts the Interwebs can spare. The sisters Wicked will be on full time care for the next week. Maternal Countessa will be with our Mom and Brain Surgeon and I will be with Dad. I have taken leave from work for as long as needed and BS will be pulling double duty as the surgery will take place in her hospital and while she is not on duty she will at Dad’s bedside along with me.

Don’t forget to call your Mom’s today or remember them as the case may be.

You all try to be good while I am away, if you cannot be good at least make me proud!

Dear Springtime Cyclist:

Dude! Listen, I am all for everyone embracing the fabulous weather and exercising. Truly, kudos to you.

However, some things are better left to the imagination. Seriously, green mylar micro-mini shorts with birken stocks is not appropriate in any situation let alone outdoor cycling. Believe me when I tell you that more clothes are needed when exposing your self to the ultra violet waves and the public for the first time.

Are you familiar with the term snowblind? Yes, that much glare is not healthy for you or the general public. Cover up, wear suitable shoes for biking and please, don’t forget your helmet.

Hugs and Kisses

Nip Tuck, Part Deux

If you’ve been here a while, you are familiar with my very limited ability with technology. A web designer I am not. Trust me when I tell you that besides having the ability to throw posts and the occasional picture on this site, hyperlinks still intimidate me. When I received an offer for a re-design, I jumped at the chance.

Friends, I’d like to share with you my new design. A little blog botox here some color enhancement there and we now have a beautiful look. Kudos to my Web Mistress Lissa. She is a very talented writer and photographer. She is thinking of doing web design as a part time gig. If she needs a reference, she will certainly receive a glowing one from me.

All Good Dogs Go to Heaven

Still missing you terribly even after 2 years.

Nope not ready to move on. We will see each other again, one day.....

Sniff.

Discriminating Debate

Over the weekend we had a belated birthday cookout for my Parents. Yes, I meant both parents. They were born on the same day, month and year; my Mom is a few hours older than my Dad. Soul mates for sure.

While enjoying our dinner the topic turned to American Idol. I have admitted on this site that the show has lost my interest but I do still DVR it and fast forward through most of it. I am familiar with the contestants and do not really have an allegiance to any one in particular.

Both my B-I-Ls made a rather odd statement about the show this year that I thought I’d share here. B-I-L 2 stated that he was glad Carly was gone because she wasn’t American. B-I-L 1 stated that he felt the exact same way when the Australian contestant was eliminated. I was a little shocked by both their statements as every one of us around the table have an ethnic heritage.

Wicked: (question to B-I-L 1) Just where exactly are you from?

BIL 1: Millersville!

Wicked: Try again.

BIL 1: Oh, okay...PA.

Wicked: Your roots are?

BIL 1: Italian.

BIL 2: I know what you mean, every single contestant is from some where else. Couldn’t they find Americans?

Wicked: Um guys, unless Simon Cowell goes up to the Native American Reservations and searches for contestants from there, the show is representative of America. The melting pot. The reason your ancestors and my parents came to this country. Land of opportunity, etc.

I have never cleared a room so fast in my life. I will have to use this tool again, soon.

Fashionably Late, as Usual

In honor of Earth Day/Week, I have adopted a new pet. Rather, the pet has adopted my abode.

Now I will have you know that the old Wicked’s instinct would have been to swat at the critter and scream like a girl. Possibly breaking a hip while hurling myself down the front steps. I’ll have you know that the new, improved Wicked has become more nature friendly.

Behold, the beauty that has taken residence on my porch light.


Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to name that moth.

Ready. Go!

Sign of the Times

It doesn't matter to me who you'll vote for; it matters more that you snorted out loud.

Happy weekend kids!

Dear Neighbor:

Let me preface this by letting you know I am an avid dog lover. LOVE. DOGS.

However, the incessant barking and annoying whelping of your two chows are absolutely killing me. We do not know each other well enough for me to give you advice personally on how to give your dogs the attention they are obviously craving. Therefor I am going to let you know here. Otherwise, I am going to lose my mind.

Look lady. The postage stamp size fenced in back yard of yours is most definitely not enough for them to exercise. I’ve seen them on leashes when you transport them to and from your vehicle, they seem to enjoy the leash. How about taking them for at least one daily stroll. Seriously, our neighborhood is extremely dog friendly. At any given moment, there are at least five dogs out strolling with their owners. Guess what? You never hear any of the exercised dogs constantly barking and whelping while out in their respective decks/yards. Why? Because they know their surroundings first hand and they are simply enjoying the fresh air.

Luckily, I leave for work everyday right around the time both of your furry ones are pleading to be let back into the house. The first time I heard the gut wrenching yelping, I ran out onto my deck at O Dark Thirty because I was sure someone was mutilating one or both. All they want is to be let back in for some attention indoors. Hearing the yelping noise in stereo is not only unsettling but down right uncourteous to the rest of the neighborhood.

I am begging you to show your pups some love. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that they simply do not enjoy spending more than twenty minutes on your deck. They want in. Try the walks. It couldn’t hurt.

Don’t make me have to call Cesar the Whisperer

Swamped

Many things going on sending me into funk-o-mania.

Please send new cocktail recipes.

Hugs & Kisses

Wicked

Snorty and Hacky

Words used to describe the vibe of Grand Parents Day at Lil Wicked’s school.

She comes by it honestly. I have reached the pinnacle of Auntie pride.

God, I love that kid!

Carbon Dating

Netflix enabled me to take a very nostalgic trip down memory lane this weekend. It was the perfect antidote for what ailed me. We lost a very dear friend of the family this week and I needed some sort of distraction.

I just finished a semi marathon viewing of one of my favorite police dramas. The show was The Mod Squad and “Pete Cochran” was my first ever TV crush. Comparing today’s police dramas to the Squad is very painful. Primitive police work of the late sixties, early seventies; forensics weren’t even invented.



If you have some time to waste, find one of your old favorites and watch them. Try to remember what endeared you to the show in the first place. Good ole Pete with his ascots and bell bottoms was the right dose of quirk I needed.

Do you remember your first TV crush? I’d love to hear all about it.

Note to Self

If I make the calculated error of attending next year’s Easter Brunch at my Parent’s neighborhood Country Club, remember to keep comments regarding the mangy Easter bunny costume to a low whisper.

Apparently, the Country Club President was in ear shot.

In my defense, the Bunny did look like he was suffering from the Mange. I suggest the Prez invest in a new bunny costume next year. My niece walked away with a clump of fur along with every other child who participated in the obligatory photo op.

People, I cannot make this stuff up.

Installing a Husband

(I am single, however this had me snorting out loud - Enjoy!)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.

Randomness Tag

I have been tagged by QDB to list six random items about myself. Since I have a bit of free time on my hands this week, I decided to play along.

1. My days of being everyone’s nurturer/caretaker are gone. My Mom told me a long time ago that I need to learn to be a little selfish. It’s against my nature, so along with many other sage pieces of advice passed onto me from Mom I simply dismissed the idea. A few events happened over a course of a few years and finally my eyes opened. I have eliminated the counterproductive drama from my life. Although I don’t believe myself to be narcissistic, I try to think of my needs first and all else second. It has taken more than a few years to understand and trust this new way of thinking but I am a better person for it.

2. I may be one of a very few females who dislikes shopping. Let me clarify, I dislike shopping in stores. I love the ease and comfort of pointing and clicking my way to bargains and treasures online. The thought of spending my cherished free (non-working) time fighting someone over a parking space or playing bumper carts in a grocery store, sucks the life right out of me. Those of you, which includes both my sisters and Mom, who find solace in shopping, kudos to you. I simply do not find anything relaxing about the whole ordeal.

3. I am an avid dog lover. However, the loss of my golden retriever is still so very painful that I don’t think I will ever get another dog. Dexter and I had 13 wonderful years together but I will never forget the pain I felt the day I had to take him to be put down. I know many of us have had terrific pets/furry children in our lives but he can never be replaced. Also I don’t think I have the emotional strength to ever have to go through losing a pet in that way again. Maybe I am a coward.

4. I don’t have any children of my own but I am thoroughly enjoying being the best Aunt I can be. It amazes me that my two nieces who are the brightest lights in my life have inherited some of my traits. Look at these faces, how can you do anything but smile and fall in love? They are cousins to each other but can pass for sisters.


5. My friend Pet Whisperer and I are on a quest to find the perfect chocolate martini in the Metro DC area. Seriously, no joke. We have compiled all our research into a spread sheet. So far the best one served to us was consumed in an out of the way German restaurant in East Jesus Virginia, who knew? Our typical analysis involves a non traditional martini before our meal, wine with the meal and a chocolate martini for dessert. Do not drink and drive folks, always have a designated driver.

6. Laughter is the best medicine on the planet. I make sure I enjoy a hearty belly laugh at least once a day, more like once an hour. I am known as the spirit lifter at work. I am frequently called upon to make someone laugh. Laughter comes easier when you learn how not to sweat the small stuff.

I am not going to tag anyone specifically but if you’d like to partake, feel free.

Bi-Annual Respite

Forgive me Interwebs for it has been more than a couple of weeks since I have blogged.

You see although work has been the best it ever has, the load was dragging me down. Trust me when I tell you that this is not a whine, simply a description. It has taken 4 months to stabilize the new administration along with it’s support forces. The timing could not be better as my vacation has rolled around. I am ecstatic to report that I will be on another of my no itinerary vacays for the next week. After which I predict things around here will return back to normal or abnormal as the case may be.

I am counting on all of you to behave yourselves; you know who you are. I have my peeps around to make sure that there is no excessive fun being had without my involvement.

Capiche?

Perhaps It’s Just Me

I am sitting here trying to enjoy American Idol now that I am allegedly viewing the most talented bunch in the history of the show.

Eh, not so much. I am not feeling it. At. All.

May I have the envelope please? AI has officially jumped the shark as far as I am concerned.

Thoughts, concerns? Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

Yawn.

Worth the Price of Admission

Since I haven’t seen a single movie up for Oscar nomination, I prefer to watch the red carpet coverage on E!

I just watched Gary Busey completely ruin the interview between Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Garner. I hope they show a clip on You Tube. In short, Gary pretty much accosted Ms. Garner’s neck in mid interview. She had no idea who Gary Busey was, she was pretty traumatized. I am not sure who was more terrorized, Jennifer or Ryan.

My recommendation to Mr. Busey is to drop by one of many rehab centers available to him. If you cannot time your drugs perfectly, it is definitely time to check into rehab.

I notice that my martini glass is empty, I am dashing off for a refill.

If you are going to watch the Oscars, enjoy!

Anatomy of an Idiot

Seriously, this could not have worked out better if I had a hand in it myself. Sadly, I can take no credit. It does make me mindful of something my Grand Mother used to say “dream big in case it comes true!”

Truth be told, I had completely gotten over the inconsequential gnat. I am a mature woman who honestly has been through every bizarre mind trip a work place can throw at you. So this twit stopped being a blip on my radar a good 2 months ago. Sure, her grandiosely immature ways bugged the living poop right out of me in the beginning. However, once I realized her existence was the destruction of my otherwise serene workplace, I simply put my good coping skills in gear and poof, she mattered not.

Watching her wield her moronic scenarios became rather entertaining. Puppetry of the Pinhead, would have made great theater. Actually I was a bit dejected watching others fall all over themselves to make her demands come true. Maybe dejected is the wrong word, cynical might be better.

In any case, in the end the white hats win and all is much better in the workplace. One would have to take the understated hint when confronted with the absolute demonstration of glee from two otherwise very controlled professionals. If I am not mistaken, there was a slight glint when I was told the replacement would begin Monday.

Good riddance, don’t let your navi fail you on the way out of town.

Smelly Turns One!

What is the perfect present for a one year old?



Tissue paper!!!

Everyone, join me in wishing my niece a very happy birthday and all the tissue paper she can destroy.

“Who’s on First,” the 2008 Version

(Listen, if anyone knows who the original author is buy him/her a beer and put it on my tab)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

Robots: Rosie Versus the Roomba

This past Christmas, all my Mother wanted was a Roomba a robotic vacuum cleaner. You have to keep in mind that my Mom is neither a spring chicken nor computer savvy. Ditto for my Dad.

So we did what all good children do, we pooled our dollars and purchased the Roomba. While my Mom was quite pleased, the rest of us were quietly grumbling. It is very difficult to teach your parents how to master new gadgets, triple hard if said contraptions are computerized.

A couple weekends ago I was visiting the family and was called upon to teach Mom how to use the Roomba. Unfortunately, she waited until a couple of hours before I was to head back home so all I could really do was insert the battery and set it up to be charged for sixteen hours. I was able to go over the instructions with her. When I read to her that the Roomba would take 45 minutes to vacuum one room, she was not pleased. She thought that the Roomba was going to rival good ole Rosie from the Jetsons.


She assumed that the Roomba would go back and forth in a room a few times and bing, bang boom the room would be dust free. When I explained to my parental units that the Roomba would need to detect dirt and dust and oh by the way they would definitely have to clear the piles of stuff on every square inch of the floors for the thing to be effective, they all but kicked me out of the house.

It was right about then that I remembered why I live an hour and a half away. Sometimes my brilliance amazes even me.

The following Monday, my Mom called me at work with a lilt in her tone. I asked her what was up and she could not stop talking about her new friend Roomba. It appears that my BIL went over after it was charged and he spent a few hours making sure she and my Dad learned the ins and outs of the Roomba.

Miraculously, the machine was able to clean like a charm albeit slowly. But you know what? The parental units are rather slow by now too, so it all works out in the wash. (Pun entirely intended) So the Sisters Wicked scored big time with this year’s gift and Mom AND Dad are happy. Trust me. This is very difficult to achieve.

The Roomba has saved the day. She invites her friends over in small groups to demonstrate the thing and aks why their children are not as generous. (“P” if you are reading this, I apologize in advance!)

Behold, my new favorite family member:

Roomba. Although my Mom has given it a human name, as long as she is happy and neither of them breaks a hip tripping over it.

Last I checked, my Dad was trying it out as an electric coaster. I had to remind him that it is a computer that probably should not try to balance drinks on top of it.

A Dose of Culture

Heading out to the Kennedy Center for Performing Arts for our yearly dose of refinement.

Last year the Sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked were embarrassingly shushed by an octogenarian with a newly installed hearing aide battery. We honestly were not that loud. We quietly were trying to explain the complicated plot twist of the ballet Othello to Lil Wicked. The gentleman in front of us was not so understanding.

Today we have the privilege of seeing the Kirov Ballet perform. This time around I have sent a synopsis of the ballet to each of the attendees so that we may keep our whispering to a strict minimum.

Wish us luck or have bail money ready. You never really know once we are all unleashed in public together.

MLK Day

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” MLK

I want you to consider this the next time you think about not speaking out on an issue that comes to your attention. Those of you with the day off, at least take a moment to remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In Honor fo Blonde Follicles

(Listen, I’ve got nothing. However, this one made me snort out loud - enjoy!)

A fellow wanted his porch painted so he got several bids. The lowest bid came from a blonde. Her bid was so much less than the other bids but the man was reluctant to give her the job. But after his wife gave him a hard time about being sexist, he decided to have the blonde paint his porch.

When she arrived the next morning he said “There might not be enough paint to paint the entire porch, so if you run low, just let me know and I’ll go to the paint store to buy more.”

A few hours later the blonde rang his doorbell and said “I just wanted to let you know that I’m finished with the job and there was plenty of paint left over. By the way, just in case you didn’t know, that’s a Lexus not a Porsche.

Intractable Times

Friends, how are you doing with those resolutions? Hmmm? Me neither.

After about twenty minutes into my first new year shift, they were all blown to H-E double hockey sticks! (Aha! I kept that one, score.)

Not sure what is going on with the weather but I can tell you that I am enjoying the short clad Fed Ex deliveries. Am I right ladies? It was seventy something degrees today, January 8, Metro DC.

WT H-E double hockey sticks?

Global warming or Mama Nature going through The Change? I vote menopause.

Thoughts?

New Year’s Poll

God (and HR Departments) gave us sick days.

Why oh why do those that are infectious show up at work and infect the rest of us??????

Discuss.

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

It did not seem like at the time, but 2007 passed by quickly. Its time again to reflect, count blessings and move into the future.

2007 was filled with many memorable moments, most of which were documented. The most powerful milestone for me was losing my Black Sheep status. It is a lengthy story, I am now ready to document it here since the weight of it has been lifted literally and figuratively. I will make it a priority to share early in the new year. I don’t want to focus on it now other than to say that the light couldn’t shine any brighter. That was one long ass tunnel.

I continued with the tradition I started a couple years prior; I eliminated those in my life who yielded useless drama. There is a reason I am single with no dependants and those people in my life who don’t understand the importance of that need not take up space. Self preservation for a nurturer/caretaker is nonexistent. I have finally figured out a way to keep a circle of genuine folks and friends in my life. Better late than never.

I hope 2008 brings nothing but good health and much happiness to us all.

I found this quote from Bono I’d like to leave you with:

“Here’s to the future! The only limits are the limits of our imagination. Dream up the kind of world you want to live in, dream out loud, at high volume.”

Happy New Year!!

Santa, the Postlude

Santa was very good to the Family Wicked. No complaints.

Who am I kidding? It’s a Blog. It’s destined for complaints. The gift exchange was quite nice. No family arguments and everyone felt the holiday spirit. The problem was that 3/5 of the family was over wrought with the nastiest cold virus this side of the North Pole.

Currently, I am the only one not battling the Plague. I am over dosing myself with vitamin C and Zinc and every homeopathic remedy I can get my hands on. It’s up to my immune system at this point. I am hopeful. Although when I got the call that Brain Surgeon succumbed to the germs, I got worried.



The woman works in a hospital where germs are a plenty, if she can’t fight off the little buggers the rest of us are doomed. Of course it did not help that we all shared the two dainty towels in the powder room. Those things were petri dishes having a germ festival. I made the conscious decision to use my pants to dry my hands instead of the towels. We are a medical family, you’d think we would have taken better precautions.

I blame Rudolph and his damned red nose!

This Greeting Has Been Cleared by My Attorney

(I am nothing if not politically correct - HA!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 21st day of December two thousand and seven.

Yes Wicked, There Is a Santa Claus

If I had an ounce of bah humbug left in me, today totally wiped those feelings clean.

This is what my CEO and CFO gave me for Christmas:


Added to that a very handsome bonus check and a lunch out.

I've been working at this job for almost six years and I can honestly say that good things come to those who wait. We had a recent change of the guard and I ended up on the right side of the street.

Even without the treats, life is good again.

Thanks Santa.

Crazed Shoppers, Parking Garage Tirades and Long Lines...OH MY!!!

Seriously, this is supposed to be a time of charity, kindness and gathering around the table with family remembering the good times and being grateful for the little things.

Nothing could be further from the truth. What has happened to all of us? I just don’t see how any of this is going to end well. Someone spike the eggnog. Eat, drink and be merry. Dammit!

Personally, I have avoided the full contact craziness that is Christmas shopping. I happily clicked my way to completion. Thank God Al Gore created the internet. ( I think there are pills for narcissists, I should hook Al up)

For those of you who still need some help turning those grimaces upside down, I leave you with this:

Ho Ho Ho....

...Ho my God! If I hear the phrase “I’ll just put it in my navi” one more time, one of the reindeer is being eliminated! Sorry Donner, you need to take one for the team.

Let me explain. Work has had a major overhaul and with it came some very wonderful leaders, new opportunities, trust me more great that not. However, it only takes one bad apple to ruin it for all.

Dear Santa:

All I want this year for Christmas is the ability to tune this bad apple out. I am the Queen of non-reaction but this one pushes every button I have, I am running out of patience and control.

I have been a very good girl this year. Well, you know. You see everything. Tell all the Elves they can give my share of the loot to someone more deserving. Just please, PLEASE give me the strength to deal with Miss Entitled. I am on my knees begging.

While I am asking, please also make sure that Lil Wicked and Smelly get everything on their list. They have both been even better than me.

Lots of Hugs and Kisses - Wicked H

Best Shopping Related Conversation, Ever!

Pet Whisperer: Gah! I have not exercised in over three months.

Wicked H: Wow, that is very unusual for you.

Pet Whisperer: Groan...

Wicked H: Wait. Yes you have.

Pet Whisperer: When?

Wicked H: Each time you go out shopping. Full Contact Purchasing! It has to burn calories, especially during the Holiday Season!

Pet Whisperer: This is why I heart you. Now, I can have another glass of wine.

Wicked H: Cheers!

Christmas Public Service Announcement

Hear Ye, Hear Ye....



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Elf YOU!!!

You must try this!

What the Elf?

And so it begins, Happy Holidays!!!

Fakes Giving*

Hi all. Here at the Wicked Family compound due to scheduling conflicts we had to have our Thanksgiving one week and 3 days later.

I was the hostess with the mostess; literally and figuratively. (Ha! Sometimes I just crack myself up.) We each were responsible for different courses and if I must share with the Internet, we did a fine job. Lookout Iron Chefs, next year we take you on as a group.

Work is not getting easier, life goes on. I leave you with a practice shot of most of the family in preparation for the obligatory group photo. You all need to keep this secret, I promised everyone in this snap that I would not post on the interwebs.

Of course I had my fingers crossed, I am Wicked H and this is how I roll:


There you go, a portion of the Family Wicked.

Talk to you all soon!

*title courtesy of Uncle Fun who is in the picture....

Better than the Flu Shot

(Listen, works is ka-razy! Enjoy this, won’t you?)

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I’d Rather Stick a Needle in My Eye

It is no secret that I find no solace in shopping. Let me clarify, I find no comfort in full contact shopping. Give me a computer and a credit card with a decent limit and watch me shop.

I have never understood the craziness that is Black Friday. I can tell you that between the amateur cooks breaking in their turkey fryers without reading all the safety instructions and the wacky prizefighting shoppers, we will be quite busy at work tomorrow. We tend to see many college aged kids the day after Thanksgiving along with the food poisoned and many injuries caused by early morning bargain hunters.

While you all are out there playing elf, I will be assisting in treating the infirm. Ah, the Holidays. So very good for business.

Just remember kids, Santa has begun making notes. Let the madness begin!

Planes, Trains, Automobiles and the Extended Family Reunions

A few helpful hints from Wicked H:

1) It’s only once a year, you can get through it; yes even the most obnoxious relative and/or in-law.

2) They may promise you that the calories and carbs have been removed, they are lying to make you eat. Do what I do, save the carb points for the alcohol.

3) If it lands on your plate, you should really eat it. Unless of course you can feed it to the dog covertly under the table. Be creative!

4) It can’t be all bad, find at least one thing to be thankful for.

Where ever your journey takes you this Thanksgiving, I wish you safe and happy trails.

Off to the Spa, N’est Pas?

Of course I will have you in mind while I am experiencing nothing but rest and rejuvenation. I also have some ocean front property in Arizona for any of you interested.

Be good kids. If you cannot be good, I want all the juicy details.

Ohmmmmmmmmm......Namaste.

Petition

Lil Wicked, my twelve year old niece, and I were having a serious discussion over the weekend.

You see, my whole family attended public schools during our formative years. We all turned out pretty damn good if I must say so myself. It seems that living amongst the Mcmansioned requires one to send their offspring to fancy, schmancy private schools; Parochial ones. I shudder just thinking about it. To each is own is what I used to say until it hit close to home.

Lil Wicked is attending St. Francis of the Behemoths or some such institution. (Can you hear me God? It’s me Wicked H!) She was telling me that the majority of her teachers were of the plus sized variety. Let me clarify, they are plus sized female instructors who arrive dressed for class in psychedelic moo moos.

The tarp covered faculty members enjoy dolling out detentions and the like because due to their size they are restricted from keeping their students in line. Besides that, most are unable to keep the assignments up to date on the school’s web site so that the parental units can make sure their precious cargo are learning to the full extent of the several thousand dollar tuition.

Lil Wicked was explaining how most of the outfits were so distracting, it was making her eyes tear. Now, I must tell you that it took all my strength not to make fun of these educators. You all would have been so proud of me. I cleared my throat and in my most serious tone, I suggested that perhaps a petition needs to be started asking that the teachers also must wear the uniforms that the students are forced to exhibit. Lil Wicked thought about it for a moment and declared that she’d rather see a freaky frock than a mammoth woman in an plaid skirt.

Point taken.

Our veterans were more than soldiers. They were, and still are heroes.

Veterans Day
By Taylor Weinman

Representing the red white and blue
The colors of our flag stand out proud and true.

The white stars on blue background with red and white stripes
Remind me of these veterans, who all risked their lives.

Just so the people of the U.S. could all live in peace and be free
These are the heroes that represent you and me.

They stood up strongly, united as one,
And kept up the fighting until they were done.

And although some have fallen, and lost their lives in war,
We pray for each one of them.

And now that their souls live on forever more,
Above in God's hands.

They watch over our nation,
And give us strength to triumph over others with strong anticipation.

So every year, when this day comes by,
Think of all the veterans that while fighting, had to die.

And remember that they were people
With fire and passion embedded inside.

They die for this country,
So remember and honor them with pride.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

Oh hi!

I have not forgotten about you. I am not on hiatus. I am trying to figure out how to balance my new responsibilities at work and also have the energy to blog.

As it is now, I am thinking it might take me a week to get things back in order. My suggestion would be for you all to talk amongst yourselves until then. Don’t give up on me.

Let me know how you all are doing. I miss each and everyone one of you.

W-I-C: See you real soon

K-E-D: Dude, I promise

H: Holla!

It Remains to be Seen.....

The parades have ended, for now. The neurotics are still floating down the river of denial. I on the other hand have ended up on secure ground. I am referring to things at work and must still remain as obscure as possible. There is simply no need for me to tread the dooced zone.

We have experienced a change in administration, an alteration that will lead my work place to much bigger and better things. I mentioned cryptically before that I have been through such conversions in previous employment and have developed a tough skin; leathery if you will. Because of my experience, I was able to predict step by step the eminent actions. Deep down I figured my position would be salvaged but there are no guarantees in life. Part of the wisdom I gained while becoming leathery. I tried to talk co-workers off the proverbial ledge. Some understood others did not. I can’t think of anyone who voluntarily welcomes unknown change.

There is still a whole host of adjustments on the horizon. I truly believe they will all be for the benefit of the business in general. Those of us who have always kept our noses to the grind stone seem to be recognized for our efforts. The others, the neurotics, the naysayers are in for an extremely taxing time. They are going to have to prove their worth and for as long as I have been around, I have yet to see any evidence to that effect.

In the immortal words of a former HR Director of mine, this bunch may have to go and be successful elsewhere.

Happy Halloween!!

Treats for the kiddies and Gin & Tonics for the parents.

Muhahahahahahahahahaha!

Blog Obstruction; Blogstipation If You Will

Friends, my name is Wicked H and I am creatively stymied. I have looked high and low for some blogospheric fiber but alas I am marooned.

There is much going on with me just none of it very humorous. Rather none that I can put a jocular spin on at the moment. Work is precarious to say the least, life is good no complaints on that front. Actually I am on the verge of losing my “black sheep” title. Long story for another time.

Cut me some slack. I’ll get back on track. I promise. In the meantime, enjoy this lovely photo of my birthplace. Lets’ make it interesting; can you tell me where I was born?

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Someone sent me this and since I can’t be creative this week, I am sharing one last item not written by me.

If you can read this without laughing out loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting fo r me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other garbage too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny kid to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Dumb barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for service s today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Speeding?

The Hell you say!

Staph Resistant Viruses

The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

No clue who the original author is, but I'd certainly buy them a round or two.

Wax on, Wax Off

After today, I now understand why my sister, the brain surgeon, cringes anytime someone picks her brain regarding medical conditions during her off time. (Pun not intended but sometimes I just crack myself up!)

I took the day off to visit my favorite dentist. He has the typical open floor plan. The two exam chairs in the rear of the office are separated only by a glorified partition that houses various and sundry dental equipment. In other words, whatever is going on in chair one is easily heard by me in chair two. I cannot see who is in chair one but I did make a concerted effort after the following scenario:

While lounging uncomfortably in my chair one, I am listening to the conversation between the patient in chair two and Missy, the worlds most gregarious dental assistant.

Missy: So I noticed you were walking funny as I brought you back here, what’s going on?

Chair Two Occupant (CTO): Groan, long story....

Missy: I LOVE stories, we got nothing but time. Did you forget which dentist you were visiting?

CTO: Well the Reader’s Digest version goes like this; new girlfriend in the picture, she’s into uh grooming. Well, you get the idea....

Missy: Grooming? What did she do, ask you to wax your back or something?

CTO: Um, yea. Something like that.

Missy: (Now with checking on me) How you doing Wicked?

WH: (using hand gestures because I am biting into a mold of my entire mouth) O.K.

Missy: (leaning in to whisper) Did you hear about the back waxing?

WH: (continuing on with the gestures and shaking my head and point to the nether regions)

Missy: What?? Ohhhhhhhhhhh. (Now talking over the partition to CTO) Hey, we think you are walking funny due to a hinterland accident. Are we close????

CTO: (Audible groaning).....

WH: (I have to pull the mold out of my mouth to keep from choking on my laughter)

Missy: (Now back on CTO’s side) Well how bad is it? Anything we can help you with? You better be in love with this new girl, third degree burns are just not worth it.

WH: I can suggest silvadene cream with a light dressing till it begins to heal and then if you must groom, maybe Neat or Nair might be the way to go.

CTO: Um, oh thanks. How do you spell the name of the cream? And not only is she no longer in the picture, I will be keeping my bits furry as the big guy upstairs intended!

I honestly did not know I’d have that much fun at the dentist today. I was unable to see what he looked like but I cold hear from his gait that he was most definitely limping.

The Importance of the Pecking Order

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

** Moral of the story:**

Always let your boss have the first say.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Author Unknown Winter 1999

What we can do; yearly mammograms and monthly self breast exams. Ladies, teach your significant others how to examine your breasts. Might as well be both pro-active and have fun at least once a month.

Although I recommend as much fun per month as humanly possible, the breast exam only needs to be done once.

Use your imaginations....

Hot! Behind!!!

I wish!

What kind of gift do you get your sister the brain surgeon for her birthday? The same exact gift I got last year, only this time it was even better. Chef Danielle made an encore appearance at the Mcmansion to show us gals how to prepare a gourmet brunch.

Our menu consisted of mushroom and three cheese strata, blueberry-stuffed french toast, roasted parmesan asparagus with poached eggs and bacon and pecan waffles with caramelized bananas. We prepared all of them ourselves with the careful supervision of Chef Danielle. Of course there were Mimosas a plenty and Lil Wicked was a lean, mean, chopping machine.

We learned all kinds of tidbits from Chef Danielle, the gossipy kind. For example; a certain TV Chef, who I affectionately refer to as Bobble Head with the new Boobs, makes certain that everyone on her set knows that she is a married woman. Calm down Bobble Head, anyone can buy boobs. Also Chef Danielle has worked for a fancy schmancy author whose wife’s assistant informed our dear Chef that Mrs. Author does not speak with the common folk and to please refrain from asking about her child proof door knobs. Whatever!!!

We also learned all about the lingo one must sling around whilst in the kitchen. That would be about the only time I would have ever heard “hot behind” in my lifetime. At least I heard it!!

Lil Wicked asked that next year we schedule Chef Danielle for a midnight snack cooking class. The Chef looked right at me and stated that if the martini back pack makes an appearance, so would she. Apparently last year’s key lime martini became a big hit on her party list.

My pleasure Chef. I will begin working on the midnight cocktail. See you next year!

Two Score and Five Ago....

....Wicked H was born.

The rest, is history or the future. I guess it depends upon your perspective.

In any case, here is one of my favorite pictures. Behold, the bathing beauty that would become Wicked H.

Not Your Mama’s Pampered Chef

Last weekend I was invited to a Pampered Chef party hosted by a coworker. My first experience at one of these parties was pretty unsettling. I was surrounded by a bunch of Stepford Wives whose biggest concern was to fight over which one of them would be able to add an ingredient to whatever was being prepared. So I was unsure as to whether or not I should go.

I bit the bullet and decided to go; I need to get myself out of my comfort zone. First I have to say that our hostess lives among the beautiful people and if town homes could be considered Mcmansions, then she is living in a neighborhood full of them. Let’s call them Mcmansion Juniors. The décor of the Mcmansion Junior was straight out of Martha Stewart Living, gorgeous not my taste but very nice. I shit you not when I tell you that when I went into the guest bathroom, the toilet tissue’s corner was fanned in a way to make it extremely convenient for me to use. Who has this kind of time and energy? I thought about going back out of the bathroom when I saw the toilet paper to retrieve my phone for a photo op but I thought it would be very déclassé.

The Pampered Chef Representative was very easy going. She had a good idea of the crowd quickly and tailored her presentation accordingly. I cannot explain to you how thankful I was that we did not have to endure the twenty minute Q&A about the differences between baking and cooking. Seriously, if you don’t know the difference, there is no need for you to attend one of these events. Her spiel was very entertaining as well as informative. Hey any woman who can sell me the latest measuring device by relating it to the amount of alcohol in one shot is one hell of a salesperson. Not only did I get that question correct, she also hurled a piece of chocolate at me. Score!!

A few mimosas and one hundred dollars later, I was on my merry way. Oh if you are in the area, I am hosting a “bits and beverages” party in November. Shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get you on the list.

Subtle Incongruity

The separation of wheat from chaff is in full force and the neurotics are now basically laying in wait. They have gone from full blown parading to curling up into the fetal position.

It’s an odd thing to watch. I have lived this process for the third time now. It came close to killing me the last time but since then I have become stronger. I am of the mind set of keeping my nose to the grind stone and watching the story board develop.



Soon there will be many horses riding into this sunset. Let the conversions begin.

Closeness only Counts in Horseshoes

Thank goodness because this:



is no where near what mine looks like. I don’t have all those pesky shelves.

Next time I announce I am going on vacation, someone remind me of this.

So, how are things with all of you?

Reality, Bring It!

Okay. I have returned, refreshed, relaxed and ready to tackle whatever comes my way.

There were plenty of Merman eye candy to ogle(I only looked, did not touch), miles of beach to hike and an endless supply of libations to ingest. Seriously, isn’t this what vacations are all about?

I hear that you all complied with my request of behaving. SHAME on ALL of you. I was so looking forward to reports of tomfoolery and debauchery. No such luck. Must I do everything?

Merman Wanted, Inquire Within

It has been 45 days since my last vacation. Although I thoroughly enjoyed McMansion sitting with Google the Wonder dog, I am very excited to be heading off to the Beach.

Once again, I have no itinerary. That is simply how I roll. Besides getting myself to my destination, the rest of my beach week has no schedule. I will spend most of the daylight hours under the sun in front of the surf listening to my tunes, reading, dozing, consuming libations and if there is available eye candy to ogle, then that shall be done as well. My twilight hours will be spent in total relaxation on one of two balconies available to me; one facing the ocean the other the bay. Any time spent on the balconies of course will involve sipping cocktails while listening and watching the ocean and purging my mind of all things.

The Beach is my sanctuary. So pardon me while I go off for a week long sabbatical.

You kids behave yourselves. I am counting on you. Okay, how about this? Don’t do anything, I wouldn’t do.

Because Sometimes Self Amusement is Recommended

(Okay, first get your minds out of the gutter!)

What have you got to lose? Just try it.

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed In your brain!

Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......)and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise Circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your Right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

And there's nothing you can do about it!

You are going to try it again, if you've not already done so but the results will be the same.

We Will NEVER Forget

The Bird Feeder

This post is not meant to spread hate. As the product of a set of parents who emigrated to this country legally, the latest protests and such hit a nerve with me. My blog, my opinion.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor.

Illegals are also squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!

In My Day, An Apple Would Do....

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Scotch Whiskey?"
"No," said the little boy............ "It's a puppy!"

School is back in session. Just a friendly reminder to be alert while driving in the mornings. None of us likes to be stuck behind the school busses but we ALL have to follow the rules.

Kids are the future, lets keep them safe.

Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?

I am sure this has made the rounds previously.

I found it very interesting and a very good diversion for the many things occupying my brain right about now.

Pardon me, do you have the time?

Bonus points if you know the group who wrote/sang the song.

Drinking Club with a Running Problem

Although I enjoy the motto of this club, they seem to have bigger problems than drinking and running combined.

In this current post 9/11 world, marking your running trail in such a dubious manner is more than just a little reckless not to mention stupid.

Somehow, my being an in home mixologist seems less eccentric compared to this bunch. I seriously suggest the World Hash House Harriers engage some brain cells before marking their next trail.

Proactivity, Stay Away from Scissors!

You Are Paper

Crafty and creative, you are able to adapt freely to almost any situation. People tend to underestimate you, unless they've truly seen what you are capable of. Deep down, you're always scheming and thinking up new plans. Your mind is constantly active. You are quite capable of anything you dream of. You can always figure out a way to get what you want. You can wrap a rock person up in your sheet of trickery. A scissor person can sneak up and cut you to pieces. When you fight: No one can anticipate your next move. If someone makes you mad: You'll attack them mercilessly when they're unprepared

Are You Rock, Paper, or Scissors?

Cha-CHING

I know I must have a relative in Indiana. Preferably the one who won the Mega Lottery.

Frantically researching my family tree.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Things that Make you Go Hmmm

“The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get the old ones out.” –Dee Hock, creator and first CEO of Visa

Hey, if we can all wrap our minds around this, what a better place our world would be.

N’est pas?

Who Doesn’t Love a Parade?

Well friends, the Neurosis are on high alert. Bring on the bumpy goodness and all that goes with it. Some degree of imagination needs to be put to good use, again.

I know, sorry.

I can tell you that whatever the outcome, I am mentally prepared. I can only come up with 2 scenarios for the conclusion of this drama. Hopefully I will be on the good end of scenario number one. If not, all this will become so much clearer for all of you yet more than a little disparaging for me.

I will quote one of my favorite inspirational posters in closing:

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.”

Strike up the band, the parade is starting.

Medical People are the Most “Interesting” Patients

My sister, the brain surgeon, recently had a visit with her ophthalmologist. Unfortunately, she is having some rapid changes with her eyes which lead her doctor to order some type of special contact lenses in order to correct her vision. I don’t know about the rest of you but I’d rather anyone who is to cut into my brain to have the best possible vision available.

BS was given her new set of lenses and she inserted them with no problem. Her vision was where it should be, all was well. Until she tried to remove them. Apparently these lenses are both hard and soft. In order to be able to remove them the use of the tiny suction cup apparatus is essential. The tech handed BS the suction cup and asked her to practice removing the lenses.

The following is how this scenario developed:

BS: (with suction cup affixed to one lens, trying to pull with a degree of force) They don’t seem to want to leave my eye.

Tech: Oh, it’s unfamiliar territory. Try grabbing the lens at the edge of your eye with the suction cup.

BS: (reminding the Tech that she performs this ritual regularly on her patients who come into the trauma room wearing contacts) Okay but really they aren’t budging and now it is quite painful. Do you mind trying?

Tech: Oh! I don’t like playing with people’s eyes. Let me get the other Tech.

BS: ..??..??..(plunger still attached to her eyeball)

Tech 2: Hi, let me try. (She takes control of the plunger and tries every possible angle to remove the lens to no avail)

BS: (who now looks like she’s been on a week long bender due to the major irritation of her eyes via plunger and stuck lenses) Perhaps we should ask the Doctor to come back in

Tech 2: Good idea, let me go get him.

It is important that you all know that BS has known this Doctor and his brother who is his partner since before they were in Medical School. On with the story.

Doc: You seem to be causing my Techs some drama. Step in front of this machine and let me get a closer look.

BS: (complies with the request, notices that the Doctor has a very sharp tiny forcep in his hand headed directly to her eye. Slight anxiety ensues)

Doc: Okay, I got it! Ooops! (The lens flies off the forcep, bumps off BS’s chin and now is missing)

Doc: Okay. I don’t want anyone to make any quick moves, we need to find the lens. (Everyone is carefully looking for the lens.)

BS: Well, it’s hard for me to see now that one lens is out and the other has irritated my eye beyond helping it.

Doc: Well after careful searching we cannot find it. I guess you will have to disrobe. Perhaps the lens is hiding on you.

Tech and Tech 2: (nervously shuffling around in the room, generally one does not disrobe for an eye exam)

BS: Alrighty then, have any mood music?

It was before she started stripping that she noticed the lens hanging on the knob of the machine the Doctor was using. Crisis and strip tease averted. The Doctor order an alternative type of lens for BS and she went on her merry way.

What Can I Say?

So, what’s new with all of you? Spill it.

Unexpected Thank You

One of the many times I have been in the Dulles International Airport’s Customs waiting area this summer, I encountered something that I meant to share. I was waiting for a family member to come through the doors when I was privileged to witness something really incredible.

We, the other mass of folks and I, were anxiously watching as the doors that lead from Customs as they whooshed open. The returning travelers usually come out in small groups. It had been a few minutes and no one came though Customs. All of a sudden one passenger emerged from the doors and the entire waiting room took in a breath.

A lone soldier emerged from the doors not expecting anyone to greet him. He was in his fatigues and obviously just arrived from his duty. The crowd waiting did not miss a beat. Those of us sitting, stood. The rest of us stood still and began to clap in silence for a moment. The soldier was confused. He turned to look behind him to see who was deserving of the standing ovation. It was not until strangers approached him and thanked him that he realized we were welcoming him home.

I still get goose bumps thinking of this and I cannot describe a better reason to be proud.

Passionately Ambivalent

Talk amongst yourselves......discuss.

Crazy week ahead, mingle.

I’ll make it up to you, promise!

Creation as it Relates to Managed Care

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.


God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

If I knew who the original author was, I'd share a Zone Bar with him or her while pre-authorizing anything medical of their choosing.

Happy Weekend Kids!

Hi. My Name is Wicked H and I am a Procrastinator

I am not proud of this fact but so far it has served me quite well. I realize I can test fate only so far but why stop while I am on the good end of the stick. Twelve step programs be damned!

I ask you, how many of you out there could have pulled this off today? It is the last day of the month, the day where all other procrastinators are also on line at the emissions testing station and the DMV. What type of time frame would you imagine I needed to keep my vehicle legally on the road? I was guessing that the emissions test would have taken me at least three hours which would have gotten me to the dreaded DMV around 3 pm. I know what you are thinking. Re- registering my vehicle could have taken place online. No kidding, I am Queen of online errands. Remember, grocery shopping, hello Peapod. However, emissions testing you have to do in person, so I put it off. I will admit that I went to the emissions testing place in Maryland while on vacation asking them why they couldn’t just test my emissions there when my vehicle is registered in Virginia. Yes, yes, they laughed at me. Bastards!

So, I am giddy to report that it took one hour for my emissions test and then a mere 20 minutes in the DMV on the LAST of the month.

HA!!

They say good things come in threes. To round off my perfect day and to further prove the procrastination theorem, I finally dialed the phone number of my new brother. I have had his number for well over a month and just kept putting the call off. I don’t have a good reason. We did communicate promptly via e-mail, I am not a total sloth. I am happy to report that I have made my first connection via this blog. I am even happier to report that he sounds just as I imagined he would. This is the real McCoy. I cannot wait to get to know him better.

It remains my postulate that procrastination, engineered wisely, can be extremely beneficial.

There will be a quiz in the morning. Number two pencils required.

Back to Reality

Vacation time is over and I am back. My first priority was to calculate the number of days until my next vacation; 45. I can do it, yes I can! If I forget that fact, you all need to remind me.

I am counting on all of you, no pressure!

Living like the McMansioned was quite fun but I am more than content to be in my own abode. I am busy trying to find the top of my desk at work; it keeps me out of trouble. Not really but it sounded good, right? I am not sure how life would be if I was not in some sort of trouble while on someone else’s time. I find it invigorating. Part of my charm, take it or leave it.

I am going through hot tub withdrawal so I am off to mix another martini and chill on the deck. Cheers, kids.

What Happens at the McMansion Stays at the McMansion

I am happy to report that my vacation is going exactly the way it was planned; no itineraries go with the flow. Most excellent, you all should try this at least once.

I am just returning from cocktails and dinner with a couple of the Bunco Babes. You just cannot go wrong with martinis and seafood. Besides the waiter accidentally dumping coffee cream into one of our purses, the night was perfect.

As my title suggests, there are events transpiring that I cannot speak of; certain things are simply taboo. If you know me at all, I will spill the beans at some point. No worries.

Okay kids, the hot tub is all filled and waiting for me. Behave yourselves or at least give it the ole college try…

How Can You Miss Me If I Won't Go Away?

V is for vanishing act.
A is for abandoning the daily grind.
C is for cancelling all calls, e-mails, reports and faxes.
A is for absent, with leave.
T is for traipsing and lots of it.
I is for intermission, will a week suffice?
O is for Orange Oasis, Orangico Royal, Old Etonian you understand?
N is for navigation, the leisurely kind.

That is right kids, it’s time for me to get out of dodge. Long overdue if I must say. I have no concrete plans which is my best kind of Holiday.

I am entrusting the Interwebs to all of you. Don’t be surprised if you hear from me here and there. Don’t count on it; it’s not a vacation if I have to meet any type of schedule.

See you soon.

Curb the Damn Enthusiasm

I am trying to like the new show "The Singing Bee." However I have a few bones to pick with the concept.

The first of which being the amount of jubilation exhibited by the contestants; my suggestion would be for all of them to be dosed with ADD meds before the cameras start rolling. Seriously, you've made it on the show, concentrate and get the songs right. We honestly don't need that much exaltation. Have some dignity.

While we are speaking of dignity, why do we need the "fly girls" gyrating in the back ground and on the way to each commercial break? Their actual title is the honey bees or some such nonsense. This goes back to my not liking errant dancing while anyone is on stage. We have plenty to focus on with this show, enough with the dancing.

It is a good show if you can get past the aforementioned distractions. If you've seen it, let me know what you think? If you haven't yet and you are up on most song lyrics, you'll enjoy this show.

Mimosas for Everyone!

Many of you were quite concerned with my parental units' recent escapade.

I am so very happy to report that the crisis has been averted and that they are now back in possession of both passports and tickets. Trying to explain to them that the receipt for the ticket is the actual ticket and that once they make it to the airport, a piece of paper resembling a ticket will be produced took more than 20 minutes.

And you all wonder why I drink so much; now you know.

Summer Time and Blogging is Not So Easy

Between the crazy pace at work and the oppressive heat, I’ve got nothing.

Blogstipation, if you will. I will work on finding some bloggish fiber and get back with the program.

Until then, let me know what’s happening with all of you