Be Afraid, VERY Afraid

Conversation between myself and my Shred It™ guy:

Wicked: Can you shred people in that thing?

SIG: If you can make them fit, no problem.

The scariest thing about his comment is that he did not have to think about it, the reply was lightening fast.

Note to self, DO NOT piss of the Shred It™ guy!

For the Love of Fitness

Lady if you must jog on a very narrow winding road which is the road much traveled by morning commuters, then I really cannot feel sorry for you when you bounce off the Hummer’s fender.

I have no idea what her condition is but for the last 7 work days this female jogger insists on taking her life into her own hands by jogging on a road that she has no reason inhabiting. Northern Virginia has more bike/walking paths per square inch than any other state. In fact, a mere 25 yards from her jogging route is a very scenic path for her to jog on safely.

Don’t get me wrong; if you want to exercise go for it. However, must you endanger your life and mine while doing so? I hope she’ll be fine and perhaps she will have learned her lesson. Use the effin path.

What a Difference One Year Makes

Saturday was Little Mermaid’s eleventh birthday. I know! I can’t quite wrap my head around it either. It seems like yesterday that I was speeding up Route 85 from NC during a terrible lightening storm on my way up to Maryland to meet my new niece and hope that my sister was going to make it through the delivery. She had last minute dangerous complications.

Last year I did not get to celebrate my niece’s birthday on the exact day because she is such the globe trotter. This year, due to the incredible level of her maturity, it was arranged so that she could have the close friend’s party on the actual day and then the dreaded family birthday the following day.

You want to know what was so very amazing. The family get together was neither dreaded nor full of tension. I am pretty sure that the addition of Little Mermaid has somehow made our family unit extremely cohesive instead of competitive. I cannot ever remember a gathering where ALL of us were snorting in laughter remembering old times and making new memories. Phenomenal!

Thanks Mermaid for being born and enriching our lives in a way only you can. Also stop growing up so darn fast because it’s making me feel old. We really have to come up with a new nickname for you because Little Mermaid no longer applies.

Sigh….

Dear Fellow Patron:

Although I am quite sure many techno-geeks would be so very impressed, kindly refrain from entering the restaurant with your blackberry/PDA gadget hanging around your neck. Its bad enough you had your ever so tacky Bluetooth attached to your ear.

Are you so important that you cannot have a meal in peace? Your group seemed highly annoyed each time you detached the gadget from your neck to send off an e-mail/text. Whatever, I certainly was under whelmed.

What did make me choke on my martini was the fact that your PDA rested quite nicely on your pasta primavera. Even better, the Rorschach blot of tomato sauce left on your Izod polo shirt.

Thanks for the entertainment!

Ebonic Hurricanes

If this doesn't just beat all.........

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be DEMOCRAT Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African American Culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now:

"Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Dat bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head of de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit......."

T.G.I.F.

It has felt like a whole week of Mondays. Between the monsoons and then the aftermath, I think we are all in need of a weekend.

To those of you, who have the 4 day weekend, enjoy! Remember if its mayonnaise based and it’s been sitting around for a while, just move to the next dish.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Helpful Hints from Wicked H

If I ask you if you’d like to try some of the pomegranate flavored iced tea, the sufficient answer would be either yes or no. Breaking into a forty minute diatribe about how you stole pomegranates from your neighbor’s tree as a child will only cause me to walk away.

Similarly, if I walk into the conference room at 0 dark 30 and announce that I am still sleep walking, do not tell me how your 2 hour commute went today. I could honestly care less that each time you drive past mile marker 43 you see the same Avalon and isn’t that just amazing. Guess what? I am sleep walking. Don’t act all surprised when I quietly walk away, then you follow me into my office and then wonder why I shut the door while you were still TALKING.

Also, if someone shares a funny anecdote there is really no reason to try and come up with a better scenario. Take it for what it is, be polite and let us all please move on.

For the love of common courtesy, get a clue, buy a vowel…SOMETHING!

Trickle Down Theory

Those of you who know me are aware that I am not a sugar coat the situation type of gal. If I have something to say, depending upon the urgency of the situation, I will spell it out precisely. I have no time for the let’s beat around the bush and hope the parties involved will get it eventually tactic. Similarly, if I need the point to be taken I can be caustic. I don’t typically use the caustic approach but when I do, it’s just not pretty. There, in public, I admit that I have flaws. We all have them, not all of us will admit them.

Which brings me to something that happened recently which has been blown completely out of proportion by the receiving party. I won’t get into specifics. I will share that what I said was in my typical here is the problem and let’s please fix it promptly fashion. What ensued is hilarious. A melt down of epic dimensions; a full blown hissy fit.

To which I say, grow up. If you can’t stand the heat, admit you made a minor mistake which I pointed out to only the parties involved, get the hell out of the kitchen. Life is too damn short. Note to hissy fitter, thanks for pointing out the exact button I now will gladly push if driven to that point.

Have a nice day!

Oxymoron or Sheer Brilliance

"Down to earth hypocrite"

Discuss.....

Middle Age Fitness Quest

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to update some equipment and workout tapes and start exercising. I decided to start with an aerobics class for folks my age. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Tomorrow, pilates!

Best Bumper Sticker

On my way into work today, I was waiting in a turn lane behind an older vehicle with this bumper sticker on its rear:

Visualize Using Your Turn Signals

I actually snorted coffee through my nose. What makes this that much funnier is that she was neither visualizing nor using her turn signals.

Go figure!

Technology and the Elderly Parent

On Father’s Day, my Dad asked me to help with his printer. The previous time I visited, his printer had run out of ink and he inquired as to what he needed to do in order to rectify the situation. Knowing that he is technologically challenged AND he likes to handle things in person, I advised him to remove the ink cartridge and take it to the store and find the replacement.

He accomplished the task and was also able to replace the ink cartridge to its rightful place. Unfortunately, the printer still would not print. I took the cartridges out and remove the protective film from the cartridge, clicked it into place and away went the printer. 234 documents in queue to print. That is the number of times my Dad hit the printing icon after replacing the cartridge. I guess he thought he wasn’t clicking the mouse hard enough.

I went in and cancelled the print jobs. He was ecstatic. He asked me how I did that and then began the mini lecture on how to cancel the print job and print a test page after changing the ink cartridge. Six and a half hand written pages of notes later, Dad was satisfied that he could manage this the next time.

Of course it is worth mentioning that the first time my parents tried to leave their out going message on their answering machine, it went something like this:

Dad: (Beep) Ok, the machine is blinking, what…wait…turn to the page in the manual so I can see if (Beep)

This was the outgoing message until I was asked to change it without witnesses. He doesn’t like to admit to the whole family that he can’t do everything. Maybe I am the only daughter that won’t throw it up in his face at a later date.

Zing!

Actual conversation between dictator supervisor and pion.

Sup: Oh, you are dressed up today. That’s rare.

Pion: (smirk)

Sup: Do you really have a doctor’s appointment or might you be going on a job interview?

Pion: Which answer will help you sleep better at night?

Sup: .........

Pion: (satisfied with temporarily stunning the dictator) See you in an hour.

You Can Blog But You Cannot Hide

Interesting tidbit to follow soon which was presented to me in the following way:

Scene: Carraba’s for late lunch/early dinner.
Purpose: Father’s Day celebration.

B-I-L: Hey Wicked, I have a story for your blog.

My Mom: (81 and thankfully a bit hard of hearing) He has a story for your dog? Doesn’t he know Dexter is dead?

Wicked: (After shooting a glare at B-I-L; my blog is anonymous to my parents) No, Mom. He has a story about a frog.

My Father: (Also 81 and complaining of water in both ears) How did he fall off of a log?

No wonder I had 3 watermelon vodka splash thingies……

Brides To Be, Upside Down Pineapple Cake Shooters and Troy....Oh My!

Last night I dined with six of the most diverse women one would imagine congregating together. I am one lucky lady to have these core women to hang out with and most times we don’t even need an occasion.

We were gathered last night to send off one of our group into the land of matrimony. Another one bites the dust, sucker! Oh, ahem, I mean wishing you nothing but Happily Ever After. (I have some ocean front property up for sale located in downtown AZ. Shoot me an e-mail if you are interested)

Right, so where was I? I am a bit fuzzy this morning as I was introduced to my newest favorite thing on the planet, pineapple upside down cake shooters. Friends, if you have not had the pleasure I highly suggest you run right out at lunch and throw a couple of these puppies back. Yum!

Any of you worried that any ounce of alcohol went to waste? I am happily groggy to report that my partner in adventure type crimes and I made absolutely sure that any unattended glasses of champagne were imbibed. We had no trouble sharing every last drop.

I believe at some point in the evening I announced to the group that Troy, our 24 year old single server, and I would be getting married next week. He didn’t seem to mind and probably a third of our group believed me. (I also have prime swamp land in FL, let me know) As I mentioned before, we generally don’t need an excuse to assemble but I was really enjoying the attention the Bride was getting. So if you all aren’t busy next Wednesday night, come one come all.

Dear Late Evening Doorbell Ringer:

Get a clue!

If I did not respond to the first ring of the doorbell at 9 pm, continually knocking and ringing was not going to get you a reply either. I was not expecting anyone at that hour nor had I ordered take out. Nothing could have been that important. I don’t know who you are but I highly suggest you not repeat this exercise EVER.

Next time I will play the “girl” card and call the police and let them know I am being harassed. If you are someone I know, pick up the phone and let me know what you want.

Hugs and kisses – Wicked H

Women in Awful Flowered Pants and a Male Blow up Doll

Good times! H & D’s wild adventure part deux took place Saturday night. Everyone should have a “D” as a friend, she is the best adventure partner and she picks the best wines.

Our meal was a fusion cuisine this time and quite delicious. As always the company was great. Much imbibing took place which made the evening even more fun and chocolate martinis for dessert. I am not much of a chocolate fan but mix it with alcohol and I am one happy camper.

On our way out of the restaurant we were blinded by two women who were wearing botanical gardens on their capris. Um, ladies….NO. Please do not repeat this faux pas EVER. Also sighted was a gaggle of young ladies one of which was carrying a blow up male doll. Alrighty then! D confirmed the sighting and assured me that she did not see any lewd orifices on the doll. Well, what’s the point then? I mean really.

Actually, I am happy she also saw the doll because for a moment I thought I may have been hallucinating. Perhaps I was still distracted by the efflorescent capris.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsors.....

"Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill"

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.
Have combined to market the new Mint flavored
birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....




"Pre-dick-a-mints."

I Am Not a Pilot

However, I am very aware of restricted air space in this area. Can someone explain to me how it is that these pilots don’t know they have crossed over into restricted areas? Don’t these people have a radio on in the air craft at all times? Seems to me if you keep the lines of communication open, they would not have to send the big guns after these private pilots.

Someone, anyone? Beuller?

Trend Setters

Since moving into my new office location I have started walking during my lunch break. One of my co-workers joins me and it’s usually a laugh or whine fest the entire trek. Before today we had the route all to ourselves. Today we have at least 10 others also trying to stay/get healthy during lunch.

Of course I am willing to bet the new walkers are not inclined to save lives like we have had to do. Yes friends, we have rescued fellow walkers who have been injured in the line of duty. We are simply that considerate. We also have walking attire as we do not want to stink up the work place after our jaunts.

Words to the new group of walkers, kindly take the single file approach when passing us. We do the same. These are the rules. If you don’t like them, walk elsewhere.

It's an Exhibition. Please No Wagering

I have found a job for the stupid people who have irritated me this week, they can fill the role of Judge #3

(I am sure you've seen this before but it made me snort out loud. Just what the proverbial doctor ordered)


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Have Used This Mantra Before…

The situation deems its repetition necessary.

(Please sing along to the tune of “Camptown Races”)

Stupid people piss me off
Doo-da Doo-da
Yes indeed they piss me off
Oh, de doo-da day

Rinse, lather and repeat

Lessons Learned the Hard Way…

Sparkler lit inside the house while all the adults are on the deck enjoying the cookout – BAD! Thankfully, fear set in without panic and the half lit sparkler was doused in a basin filled with dirty dish water. Even better, the adult who found it later did not make a big deal about it. We did review sparkler safety tips before we lit them together on the deck later.

This being a good aunt stuff is hard work!

For You, Just In Case the Family Cookout is a Bust

A great and addicting suckage of time.

http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

Enjoy and have a safe and happy weekend!

Safe House

Just now, an eight year old patient sought refuge under my expansive desk. His goal was to avoid the mean nurse who was coming at him with a shot.

Begin hostage negotiations.

The nurse saw his legs under my desk but we signaled each other for some bargaining time. The patient begged me not to give him up to the needle. I told him that I would never do that but I also explained that the nurse would eventually find him.

Instead of letting him go through his anxiety attack, we talked about anything and everything. I told him how when I was his age, I was also afraid of the needles. Being afraid was ok, it’s part of life even as a grown up. I was trying to be as reassuring as possible while he was quivering under my desk. I told him we had a cream that we could use on his skin that would numb the injection site so that the shot wouldn’t be as painful. He wasn’t budging. I told him it would be only as bad as a bee sting. He told me he was allergic to bees.

Dammit!

By now, his mom was right outside my door. I signaled to her that it was okay for him to hang out here as long as he needed. She has another child with her so she tended to her needs. I told him that he would most likely get some type of treat after his shot. I glanced at the Mom who was shaking her head affirmatively. He asked me what kind of treat? I told him of the choice of stickers and lollipops we offered here. I also assured him that a trip to his favorite fast food place was in order. Luckily, Mom was still agreeing with all my suggestions.

The crisis ended after we decided he would grab three stickers and two lollipops followed by a trip to McHappy Land.

As he was leaving he stuck his head back into my office and showed me the stickers he chose and he was already sucking on lollipop #1.

H & D’s Excellent Adventure

What do you do after watching the Preakness and have your heart broken all over again after watching the Triple Crown hopeful break his leg in three places? You grab the local phone book, turn to the exotic restaurant section, and close your eyes and point. Bingo, that is how D and I decided where to have our post Preakness heartache dinner.

You see D’s husband is not adventurous when it comes to foreign cuisine. We have decided to make use of the time he is globe trotting to experience the vast array of epicurean culture in our area. Armed with our map quest directions, we were on our way. One bottle of wine a basket of assorted delectable bread and 2 tandoori dishes later, we were happy campers.

Can’t wait for the next adventure. It was just what I needed to get back to my old self.

My thoughts are with Barbaro. I hope he can recover.

Brief Hiatus

Between the loss of Dexter and all that is going on at work, I just don’t have it in me.

Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll be back soon.

Need a Husband? Get Thee to the Store!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have
Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love
Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With
Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wife Store just
across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Aren't men so predictable!

Just Step Off, BITCH!

Whew. That was cathartic.

Feeling much better now.



Enjoy the weekend all. Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms.

The New Math

Not sure where I found this, but it was interesting. Little Mermaid, this is for you and your parents to think about while laboring over homework. Hang in there, school is almost over!


Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonald's for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the Manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
Is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
Of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera por $100.
El cuesto de la produccion es $80. Cuantas tortillas se puede
comprar?

What in the World?

America, are you collectively on crack?

Why? Why is Chris Daughtrey no longer on American Idol? McPhever made so many McErrors, how could you pass her through?

Unbelievable. I am disappointed in all of you!

Dear Merrifield Postal Worker:

Why did you choose to go postal Saturday morning while I and thousands of others were trying to successfully navigate the Capital Beltway? Do you not understand that you can’t play around with bomb threats? I sure hope whatever caused you to shut down the entire beltway for 2 hours was worth it.

Thanks to you, I now know the exact capacity of my bladder after ingesting 2 cups of coffee. One and a half hour ride good. Two hours of being parked on the Beltway, followed by two more hours of navigating the trip on side roads, not so good. A special shout out to the CVS manager in Silver Spring who took pity on me and let me into the employee bathroom after his clerk refused to let me use it. I believe my exasperated look and begging to take a Depends from the box and then purchase it, sealed the deal.

Heartfelt Thanks

In mourning, sea fog
Makes small things visible.
Pearls cling to petals.
Pine needles are fringed with glass.
The sea breaks against rocks.
Heaving back, it breaks again.
What does the wild rose know of its beauty?
Have you any idea what you've given me?

I cannot express how much all of your kind words, comments and e-mails have helped me cope these past few days. I know time heals all wounds. I wish I could predict how long all this will take. Unfortunately I cannot. So if you bear with me, I will take it one day at a time. That’s the best I can do.

A special thank you to Joe and Dave; these two have given me more love and comfort than I could have wished for. It was definitely what I needed, Thank you gentlemen.

Good Bye Sweet Prince....

R.I.P. Dexter

My heart is breaking. We will see each other again one day.

I love you and miss you terribly.

Officially in the Weeds

It's been a week and a half. As usual I will use humor to get me through this day. Enjoy and have a great weekend!

There was a young lady who was totally exhausted from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time for her to end her work day and go home.

As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant, "T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of going home and relaxing the weekend away.

It so happened that there was a man on the elevator with her and heard her jubilant exclamation.

His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T."

Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man correctly and she was determined not to let this man ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her, so again she stated more strongly, "T-G-I-F!" and glared at the man, daring him to repeat his obscenity.

The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T."

This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F...

'Thank Goodness it's Friday.' What is wrong with you!?"

The man was amused at her outrage and with a smirk on his face replied,
"S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... its THURSDAY!"

And with that walked off the elevator with a spunky step.

Public Nuisance

Last night’s dismissal of Pickler reminded me of a story that occurred while I was living near her neighborhood, low many years ago.

I had been living in NC for about a year when I returned up here to visit with old friends. We were at a movie theater watching a flick. For the life of me I cannot remember which movie we were attending.

Our movie chatter went something like this:
Friend: Do you think you can come up for the housewarming party.
Wicked: I don’t know, I might could.
Friend: What did you just say?
Wicked: …..
Friend: WHAT THE HELL IS MIGHT COULD? YOU EITHER MIGHT OR YOU CAN, YOU CANNOT MIGHT COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wicked: In NC you can!

Right after that stellar come back, we both got kicked out of the theater for disturbing the other patrons.

From that point on, while I resided in NC, my friend would refer to me as Daisy Duke.

Dear Chain Smoker:

How very odd, in so many way.

First of all, what made you choose our parking lot an obvious place of healing to enact your morning routine? The first time I noticed you out there, I figured you were either lost or early for an appointment and you decided to smoke one before you found your way. However, it has become a habit for you. You park right in front of our conference room picture window where we are sharing our morning chatter. I didn’t even have to point out your activities, they are so distracting, and the whole office enjoyed the spectacle.

Exit your vehicle. Light one up. Puff and spit. Puff and spit. Reach the end of your first cigarette and reach into the passenger side of your running vehicle, grab another one and use the stub to light the new one. Puff and spit. Puff and spit. Rinse, lather repeat. Enter your vehicle, pull out of our parking lot and turn not 100 yards into your parking lot.

Now, I know the spitting thing is definitely a man's thing. How on earth did you master the skill? How very lady like. NOT. Why don’t you simply smoke in front of your own office building? Are you trying to hide your nicotine addiction? Do you return for each smoke break? If not, how do you get through the day?

We have decided to look out for you throughout the day. We are that concerned for your well being. We may even leave nicotine patches or gum out there where you usually park. If nothing else, we’d be happy to take care of your health once the cigarettes erode it.

Hugs and Kisses….

Freedom to Gather and Pray

There was a big to do in DC this weekend. It seems that members of several churches feel that their right to pray is being infringed upon. You see for years, the city has allowed them to Double Park in order to attend their services. It seems that now residents who are being blocked in have asked the authorities to enforce the rules.

I don’t understand why the church goers are so upset. The right afforded to us by the constitution is freedom to gather and pray. Not freedom to break the law by double parking which infringes on your neighbors right to come and go freely. If your place of worship has limited parking, make arrangements to get their in plenty of time to attend the full service.

What happened to do unto your neighbor as you would have them do unto you?

The Adventures of Cruiser

Yesterday, while walking my dog, I heard a cat meowing in the distance. My neighborhood is relatively quiet around the time I return from work. I didn’t pay much attention to the sound until I got closer. As we rounded the corner it was apparent that the sound was a cry for help. The frequency of the meows increased. I couldn’t see where the cat was until I saw his owner desparately pushing a tree back and forth. About 100 feet up in the tree perched Cruiser the cat. As we got closer I could see that the poor fellow was stuck in the tree.

Cruiser’s owner asked to borrow my elderly dog. I asked him what he thought Dexter could do. He replied that he wasn’t sure but that he was frantic at that point. I have never been a cat person, mainly because I am allergic, but I didn’t understand how placing a large dog at the base of the tree was going to lure the cat back down. I suggested maybe putting a bowl of food or treats at the base and perhaps Cruiser would eventually come down. His owner shrugged and continued to shake the tree.

As we continued our walk, I could still hear Cruiser meowing. It was a sight because at the far end of the neighborhood you could see Cruiser meowing in perfect time to the tree movement. It reminded me of a metronome.

I am happy to report that during this morning’s walk, Cruiser was no longer in the tree. Crisis averted!

Dilemma

Is there a nice way to let a co-worker know that the stories she repeats ad nauseam have gotten old? I am all for polite chatter at 6: 30 in the morning but could we at least talk about current events?

Let me preface this by letting you know that she has nothing but good intentions and is one of the nicest people on the planet. Seriously. This explains the slight pang of guilt I am feeling while typing.

Here are the topics that should be off limits from now on:

Because she doesn’t want to feel sleepy while commuting, she purposely keeps the heat off in her vehicle.

She feels that the company we work for should really adjust their hours of operation because she lives in East Jesus and drives over an hour to get to work.

Anything relating to or involving the word deer. You had a bad accident over 2 years ago, please move on.

Traffic related items that only relate to the area in and around East Jesus, you chose to move out there why must we suffer?

We had a bit of a change up this morning. We just finished discussing where I get my hair done because her son is getting married in May and she really feels like she should try to cover her gray but doesn’t know if it’s worth the expense but she wants to look nice but she should probably get it done soon because what if it doesn’t look good and she would be mortified and her husband doesn’t want her to change…………………….

Hey, at least she didn’t grab my hair.

PC Awareness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. it’s not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

Living Will

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, a wife and her husband were discussing life and death. He told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out
all of his beer.

Be careful what you wish for…..

Strange and Wonderful Coincidence

Today is my parent's 81st birthday. You read it correctly, both parents. Same birth dates: same day, month and year. Mom is an hour and a half older. They were obviously destined to be together. My sister's and I could not ask for a better pair of parental units.

Please join me in wishing my folks many more, healthy happy years.

Happy Birthday Mom & Dad!

Friend or Foe, State Your Business

I attract oddities. I wish I had the imagination to make some of this stuff up.

Last night, after leaving my hair appointment, I stopped by the store to quickly pick up a few items and then head home. I was in a bit of a hurry as my dog probably had all four of his legs crossed.

Shopping does not bring out my best. I don’t enjoy it. It is definitely not a social activity for me; more of a task. I was waiting on line to pay for my purchases when a woman, a stranger to me, walked up to me put both hands on my hair and asked where I got my hair done. I found it to be a bit odd. If I am admiring another woman’s hair style, I usually tell her it looks nice and then ask where she goes. I have yet to accost someone I don’t know by grabbing their hair. I handed her my stylist’s business card and started putting my items on the conveyor belt. She began telling me her hair woes.

Thankfully my items were paid for and bagged in record time. As I walked away, I wished my cashier and the woman a Happy Easter. The woman was now telling the cashier all about the issues with her hair.

Hope the Easter Bunny is good to you all!

Why Parents Drink...

Due to high work volumes, I leave you with another oldie but goodie...Enjoy!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not bothered to phone in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter,"answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......."ME!"

I Blame Michael Nesmith’s Mom

Co-Worker: "Why don’t you have any white out?"

Wicked: "Because I never make mistakes."

Since then, I have made on average 2 per day, requiring me to purchase the white elixir.

Curses!

Incessant Chatterer

I try to make my mani/pedi experience as zen like as possible. I purposely choose to be the first appointment on a Sunday as most others have ethereal obligations during that time. So far my choice has been sound. I am not a high maintenance woman but I try not to miss the opportunity to make my extremities look nice. It makes me feel good, one of a few vices.

With my massage chair set to a gentle hum, I usually close my eyes and enjoy the attention being given to my feet. This morning I was jarred out of my meditative state by the other client at the nail salon. She was justifying her egregious error of visiting another facility.

You see two weeks ago, she came to this salon without an appointment and found that it was far too busy for her to wait. She went on her way and decided to go shopping with the notion of returning within thirty minutes. One thing lead to another and she did not return and the following day went to another salon. She was quite unsatisfied with the service performed there and was happy to tell everyone within ear shot.

This conversation was repeated at least five times. After the first time, I did not care why she went elsewhere neither did her nail tech, mine nor the other two employees present. I am telling you this woman, who was as friendly and pleasant as can be, would not shut up. She was perfectly happy babbling to no one in particular. I honestly believe that she was talking simply to hear her own voice. I know that she works in the finance department of a car dealership, she is the proud grandmother to one with another on the way, she has three children one of which is still not married, an owner of two springer spaniels who get let out of their crates by a neighbor who is paid $40 per week, she used to play baseball and that is why her feet are so ugly ( her description not mine)and her pansies are quite happy with Saturday’s rain. And on and on and on. None of this information was asked for, it just came and came and came.

When she was finally done, she vowed to the shop and it’s inhabitants that she will return faithfully every Sunday morning from here on out.

Oh joy!

When the Moon is in the Seventh House

I am not sure what is happening. Perhaps aliens have invaded and taken over the life forms of my entire family. For the past few days we have been communicating via e-mail. The subject is the upcoming birthday celebration of our parents. Usually there are accusations of one party being left out or another party not participating yet trying to take credit. This time we have cooperation. Unbelievable!

This has to be the first time on record that as a group we are lobbing suggestions and not a single participant is putting the kibosh on any of it. Could my parents’ wishes and dreams have come true? Is it possible that their three adult children and their 2 son-in-laws can coexist in harmony?

Stranger things have happened.

Trouble Shooting Phone Technicians

Is it too much to ask for the help desk trouble shooting techie to have a good grasp of the English language? Seems counter productive if I have to spell out the words “family” and ‘practice” to the person I am depending on to get me back online.

Perhaps I am too demanding.

Lady Terps

National Champs! So very proud of my alma mater.

Always fear the Turtles!

Oldie But a Goodie

Lowered inspiration levels lead me to old jokes. Pun entirely intended.

Enjoy!

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench seat one morning. The 87 year
old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his
friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so
much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat
Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the
counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any Italian bread?" she said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" he said, "
Yes, I want 5 loaves." she said, "my goodness, 5
loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard?'
He replied, "Holy Shit, everybody in the world knows
about this Italian bread thing but me

Dear Neighborhood Woodpecker:

I love Spring. Love it! I look forward to hearing the birds chirping and the pollen flying while things are blooming. Armed with my Zyrtec, this is my absolute favorite time of year.

What I do not love, however, is your seeking out unnatural sources with which to hone your pecking skills. Trees, good. Aluminum siding at 5 am on the weekends, not so good. In fact just stop now. Hop back onto your choice of trees and do what you naturally do on a tree.

Consider yourself warned woodpecker. I am not beyond purchasing a gun and using you as target practice the next time I awaken to the sound of jack hammering on my siding.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked H

Director’s Hall

Recently, Pet Whisperer and I went to the movies. We have a deluxe theater complex nearby which gives you the option of paying a couple of dollars extra for the ability of hand picking the seat in the theater. I am usually not that picky when it comes to where I sit in a movie theater but as luck would have it, the movie we wanted to see was being played in the Director’s Hall. So be it. We purchased our tickets, picked our seats and proceeded to our theater.

Apparently there are several perks to viewing the film in the Director’s Hall:

• the tickets are presented to you in a special envelope which also contains wet naps
• the seats that are malfunctioning have caution tape around them
• you get a personal greeting in the form of a lecture from one of the staff

I am not sure why it was necessary to place our tickets into a protective envelope when in exactly ten steps we were required to remove them and hand them to the usher. I am going to venture a guess and state that if you have the extra two bucks to view the movie, the wet nap should be considered a luxury. Apparently the common folk must use napkins. I liked the idea of the caution tape for malfunctioning seats. However, the computer at the box office was not coordinated to reflect the malfunction causing serious anxiety for a couple of patrons who hand picked the broken seats. I did offer my wet nap in condolence but the patron was not appeased. Our lecture consisted of a very informative discussion as to the history of the theater and the function of the arm rests and all the benefits of being seated amongst the privileged.

It is of note that the rest of the theaters in this complex of 14 have the exact seating arrangements and functional arm rests, etc. The only difference is that you don’t receive your tickets in a protective envelope, no wet naps and no useless lecture from a middle aged theater usher who boasts of his recent theater sabbatical.

Power Plays

In my opinion, they should be reserved for the hockey rink.

If you will excuse me, I am off to purchase a stick. I see much checking in my future.

When Women are at the Helm

Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by women executives. It is said that the men’s restroom is a serious, quiet place. Not much camaraderie takes place in that room. The result of the women’s design scheme is brilliant.

With the addition of one mural on the wall, let’s just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles...

Tough Times

I went into the gas station to purchase five dollars worth of gas today.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Dear Cracker Barrel Server:

I realize that we were eating in your fine establishment located in NC. However, stopping everything you were doing and stating “this one here has a bit of an accent” then pointing me out was really rather odd. The smirk that appeared on my face was not an indication for you to give me your geographical breakdown. I really didn’t care if you have lived in NC, SC, KS, KY and originally hailed from Miami. Although it was quite helpful for you to explain why you southerners from Miami pronounce “coffee” just like any New Yorker I have had the fine pleasure of running into.

I thanked you for clearing up that enigma and you bolted. Undoubtedly, you were going to look up the word enigma in the dictionary located in the kitchen.

Y’all come back now, ya hear!

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Imagine you are performing the above song to two individuals who have never heard of it and believe that what sanity you had before the beach, completely got washed out with the tide. That pretty much set the tone for the beach excursion. That’s what I get for hanging out with a friend who is nearly 10 years my junior and her 13 year old daughter. Talk about generational gaps. It is what makes our trips together fabulous. Diversity friends, it is the spice of life. The new black, if you will.

We had a minor snafu upon check in to our lavish hotel. Once I talked HFS down off the ledge, our sandy journey began. I am extremely delirious to report that we did not, at any time, visit a flea market nor plan each morsel that would enter our systems the entire trip. Our itinerary consisted of the go with the flow agenda. We were on vacation, dammit!

As I previously mentioned, the entire cheerleading brigade of America happened to be in our little beach town the same time we were. It actually worked out well in that it kept the leering Canadian golf nuts out of our hotel. Yay team! Also, since they were competing the same time we were lounging, we did not have to deal with any extra self image problems had they been out and about while we were. Score! We also had some nice eye candy as it was also spring break for the college kids. I don’t seem to remember such hotties when I was in college. Maybe they grow them different these days.

Besides Patrick, who needs to visit a proctologist and have that stick removed, all of the servers we encountered understood and played along with our sense of humor. It makes for good tipping.

We are definitely not ready for any type of professional bowling competition. All I will reveal is that balls were rolled and pins were knocked over. Much giggling and sore muscles followed. This in turn made the hot tubs even more endearing.

My flights were enjoyable. On the way down I had to be social with my seat mate. It was not exactly what I had in mind but it made the trip move that much faster. On the way back I had what must have been a swinging couple seated next to me. They were doing their damnedest to make it into the mile high club. I almost had to ask them to move it into the lavatory. Luckily the turbulence we encountered cooled things down.

All in all I achieved what I wanted, relaxation. Of course more sun worshiping would have been ideal. I need to keep the dermatologists in business. Maybe next trip.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom Not Withstanding

Open Door Policy: open only for positive reinforcement or upbeat commentary. All others, DO NOT ENTER.

Interesting…….

Observations While En Route

Movers and Shakers: If your cell phone has bad reception in IAD, redialing and YELLING into the cell phone will not improve the clarity of the call. You should really get up, move about the terminal and find a better location. What good is the Wharton School of Finance, really?

Airline employees who know and understand that their families will most likely have to wait and possibly get a flight home at some point that day and have come highly prepared to amuse their children, is the most viable commodity in any airport.

Airlines who first cancel your flight due to “mechanical trouble” and then magically reroute you before you check in are more wonderful than I can express. A cautionary note to those of you who push the limit of acceptable check in time, none of you got rerouted. Sometimes it pays to follow the rules.

Sitting next to Radar O’Reilly’s twin on the way to the beach was amusing. At least we had a well-rounded discussion. Lessons to self, it’s ok to take your nose out of your book sometimes.

Two-four-six-eight! Oh my nerves how they grate! The Cheerleaders. Yeah, yeah, all those cheerleaders. Note to self, plan next beach trip to avoid the National Cheer Leading competition.

Travelers: if it’s too cold and you insist on wearing ankle socks with your sandals, please just put your shoes on. It’s not a good look on elderly folks and even worse on younger ones. It completely depletes the hotness factor. Trust me.

Similarly, white Bermuda shorts under a wool sport coat. NO, just no.

Apparently it has been a long time since I flew on a plane. Did you all know they load the passengers according to “zones?” Who knew?

More to follow, thought I’d tide you over with these observations. Not enough time to recap the fun lights of the trip. Must catch up with reality and work.....

Gone Beachin

Headed to the shore kids. Will be searching for my message in a bottle. Be creative.

Please try and behave yourselves in my absence.

Be back soon, buh-bye!

Trolling for Octogenarians

The last time I made a dash to the beach, I had my pick of Canadian snow birds. Apparently Myrtle Beach is the new black for Canadian golfers. There must be no room in Florida what with all the north easterners flocking there. No matter, I have always said that I should find a seasoned gentleman who is willing to turn his assets over to me. Why not?

I’ll tell you why not. If the crop includes nothing but happy go lucky gregarious, aged Canucks who love to golf, I am just not interested. If you see me relaxing in the hot tub, my head back on the ledge, eyes closed, it’s probably not the best time to show me your open heart surgery scar and give me the intimate details of how you beat the gout. Is this what it has come to? My only pick are these octogenarian golf nuts? I’ll pass. I willingly donate this demographic over to all the other ladies who enjoy this sort of thing. Having worked in the medical field, I am done hearing about ailments especially while on vacation. The thought of changing their Depends is just not that appealing. Not much into to golf either.

I prefer my beach getaway with the girls, thank you very much!

Musical Tables

When I was younger, it was not usual for my family to go out to eat. It’s not that we could not afford to, it just wasn’t something that was in our norm. My mom is a phenomenal cook. On the rare occasion that we did venture out, it was always a spectacle.

You see my dad has an aversion to air conditioning. He did not have that luxury growing up so he is extremely sensitive to drafts. A typical dinner outing would go something like this:

Family Wicked would be seated in the restaurant; our drink orders would be taken. Commence with the draft patrol. My father would raise his hand in the air testing for the dreaded draft that would inevitably cause him to have a headache.

Dad: (hand raised in the air monitoring wind shear) Do you all feel that draft?
Mom: No, but we are not as sensitive as you are. If you don’t like this table then we should move.
Dad: ( now up and strolling throughout the restaurant standing near empty tables doing the draft test) ( Myself and Brain Surgeon – Selfish Countessa not born yet- are hiding behind our menus by now) Hey honey, this one seems ok.
Mom: Are you sure?
Dad: Yes, this is much better. (Now there is an entire family waiting to be seated at the perfect, draft-less location)
Hostess: Can I help you sir?
Dad: We prefer this table, less draft.
Hostess: (rolling her eyes) Fine sir; let me tell your new server.
We have now made the move to the new and improved table. Our new server greats us, the other family gets our original table. We place our orders.
Dad: (performing the dreaded draft inspection again) Wow, it is really breezy here. Do you feel the breeze?
Mom: (ignored the question entirely and is no doing her lip smacking maneuver which indicates she is not happy) (Me and BS are furiously stirring our drinks with our straws)
Dad: I am really worried that the kids will catch a cold in this atmosphere. (Keep in mind he is a physician and knows full well that air conditioners generally do not cause one to catch a cold)
Mom: The kids will be fine. If you are not happy with this table, then you need to go find a table that is suitable and sit there for a few minutes. Then we will move, otherwise we are staying put.

As I got older, this routine became highly embarrassing for me. I would let my dad know that before I sat down with him he would have to find the perfect location. This would explain the minimal dining out experiences. As years past, my dad took to wearing a hat in less formal eateries or simply dealing with the gusty conditions.

Perfect for What Ails You

This burst of Spring that we are experiencing is just what the doctor ordered. I am a person who needs four distinct seasons. Isn’t it fantastic how a couple of days of warmth and sunshine can elevate everyone’s mood?

I’ve spent the better part of the weekend enjoying the weather while relaxing on the deck. Spring cleaning? Not for me, I am going to enjoy every second of this Spring preview before Mother Nature slaps us back into reality.

I have a bet going with a co-worker as to whether or not we will have another minor snow fall before true Spring gets sprung.

Any takers?

Dear Exuberant, Male Target Employee:

I cannot express to you how much my errand running time was improved by your comment.

As I was trudging through Target today, I asked a very pleasant young man if the suntan lotions were out in display. The biggest grin appeared on his face and he proclaimed that he would point me to the suntan lotion if I promised to take him along with me. I told him if he could be ready by Thursday, I would come back and pick him up. He told me that as luck would have it, he was off that weekend and he would be ready AND able to join me.

So Jeremy, I will swing by on my way to the airport and hopefully HFS and Jr will not mind. The more the merrier. As I always say.....

Swag

I have no problem supporting any elementary, junior or high school fund-raising campaigns. I do have a problem with the parent displaying the order sheet in the lunch room using strong arm tactics to get the items sold. How does this teach the child to raise money for the cause? It’s a serious question. If you want my money, then the kid is going to have to do the fund raising. I think it’s only fair.

What kind of message are we sending to the children of today if they don’t even have to exert any type of energy to raise funds? If you are one of these parents, I don’t want to hear you complaining that junior is an irresponsible kid and can’t even be bothered to clean up his or her room. I also don’t want to hear that the offspring has been kicked out of school due to having someone else write their term papers. Look at the example you are setting.

Now if you will excuse me, I have some Girl Scout cookies to devour. Purchased from the cutest GS you’ve ever seen who knocked on my door by herself and sold her product. Her mother present at the bottom of the steps playing the role of chaperone.

Epileptic Gyrations

This is the only way I can describe Taylor Hicks’ performance last night on American Idol. I think he sang his song brilliantly. But the spastic movements, I am having a difficult time getting past them.

Also, is it just me or is does this season seem to have only mediocre talent? Hopefully once they clear the top 12, the performances will get better.

I know, I know. If I could do any better, I should have tried out. For the record, I am way past the age cutoff. Otherwise, I would have been right there!

If you believe that, I have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you. Drop me a line…..

Not a Fluke

It seems my family gets along famously in public eating establishments. We have now had two consecutive gatherings where all of us thoroughly enjoyed each others company. Of course, Little Mermaid was absent this time, she dissed us for her friends. I suppose I knew at some point Aunt Wicked would be trumped by one of her close companions.

Nary was an unkind word spoken. Perhaps the world is spinning in the wrong direction? Conceivably, we have learned to behave ourselves in public. Either that or we are all aging like fine wine. We took our jocularity back to my parent’s home where we recounted old stories while feasting on tea and cake. It was a veritable snort fest. We did remember to keep our pinkies extended while sipping (some of us slurping) our brewed tea; however. Family Wicked is nothing if not classy.

Patient Concerns

Specifically for Wallofdenial who has felt that I have been grumpy of late. Hope you all enjoy this, when in doubt lob in some medical humor.

A young, student nurse appears to give a man a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the oxygen mask. "Are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Free at Last

The Washington area medical community can breathe a sigh of relief. Brain Surgeon’s nemesis is finally gone. I believe her exact words were “ding, dong the prick is gone.” I am pretty sure the standard we bid you a fond farewell hop to a Georgetown watering hole did not occur. I guarantee all of them had a huge party to celebrate the departure. What a wus, he phoned in his resignation while on vacation. If that doesn’t prove that his MBA was obtained from the Acme School of Business, then I am blonde and blue-eyed.

General Electric, I offer you my sympathies. Surely a company of your stature will find that the newest edition to your medical department is truly an incompetent boob. We are talking about a man who cannot even inquire as to how you are in less than a 4 page diatribe. Memos become term papers in the landscape format. Let’s not even get me started on the lack of professionalism. GE, ask him why he lost his position the head of the department in such a manner that facilitated the door of his office to be removed. Good luck trying to train him to your high standards.

Those of you out there who depend on GE for your medical equipment needs, heed this warning. If you run into this medical trouble shooter who cannot string enough words together to form a coherent sentence, hang up and contact someone higher in the company. I fear for your health.

Must Be a Guy Thing....

These Volkswagen Fast commercials? I just don’t get it.

Anyone care to enlighten me?

Happy Orange Juice

I cannot remember the exact reason for the event, but while perusing another blog I was reminded of this event. The title of the memory jarring post was Getting Caught or Not.


My friend K was spending the night at my house and we were juniors in high school. We were suffering from some sort of high deal angst and decided to procure some vodka. The stupidity of our methods stuns me to this day. So many things could have gone wrong but the karma must have been right.

After my parents went out for the evening, we drove to the local liquor store. We handed the first person we saw some money and asked them to buy us a fifth of vodka. (As you can tell, idiocy was running rampant that night along with our doldrums) Thankfully, the person who delivered our potion was neither a cop nor someone who would harm us directly. Forget that he was contributing to the delinquency of minors.

We returned home to an evening of screwdrivers. Why screwdrivers? Mainly because it was the beverage of choice at my folks dinner parties, they always called it “happy orange juice” and because I usually helped out with the bartending duties during these events. In other words, I knew how to mix a mean happy orange juice.

Before we knew it, the fifth was gone and we were feeling no pain. Well truth be told, we were feeling nauseous and the house was spinning but we were no longer experiencing the angst that led us there in the first place. K and I thought we were being quite covert as we cleaned up the kitchen of any evidence of the screwdrivers. We knew we were smarter than my parents. We both fell asleep/passed out right before my parents returned.

Death would have been better than the feelings we both had in the morning. At that point, angst sounded so much better than the mammoth hangovers we were sporting. When my mom called us down for breakfast, I was sure we were busted. Although I figured that since they did not come busting into my room upon their return, perhaps our drink fest was not discovered.

We had our game faces on as we entered the kitchen for breakfast. The table was set. All was copasetic. That is until mom placed 2 glasses of OJ in front of us. At that same moment, my dad set the empty vodka bottle on the table.

I have not ingested a screwdriver since…….

Psychology 101

Which would you rather deal with, a full on aggressive work associate or one who is extremely passive aggressive? Is one easier to deal with over the other? If so why and if not why not?

My personal preference is to deal with the full blown aggressive. For one thing, they are not in control of their actions due to the adrenaline surge. Sure it can be intimidating but it’s amusing to sit back and watch them self destruct while you remain calm and poised. This tactic works well with an aggressor. For their goal is to rattle with their display.

The passive aggressor is certainly more calculating and therefore can do more damage. Generally, the passive aggressor will not confront you directly, rather go over your head and you’ll hear about it from a superior. Depending on how you handle this reprimand/criticism, the passive aggressor will consider the battle won or lost. It has been my experience that passive aggressors thrive on the fall out.

The best lessons I have learned through experience, to not let them know what you’re thinking. It will stop both types in their tracks. It isn’t easy. Especially if you share work space with either or both, but it can be done.

Happy President’s Day

To those of you who get this day off, I am sure you are reflecting on the Presidents who enabled you this holiday.

For the rest of us, back to the salt mines. Yes, I am jealous. We in the medical field generally end up treating those of you with the federal holidays.

Oh the Humanity

Seen while running errands this weekend: man walking his yellow lab who was taking a dump into a plastic bag affixed to the dog’s rear end.

Is this really necessary? Let the poor dog poop in peace, then pick up the deposit and continue with the walk. I would almost suggest not picking up the poop if you are going to humiliate the poor animal with that display. Wait, on second thought, please pick up the poop. Otherwise, the neighborhood will be littered with excrement land mines. Unfortunately, my community has this problem. I really wish my neighborhood had more responsible dog owners. Can’t wait for Spring and all the flies.

Dog owners, be responsible! Leash and pick up after your pet

Fellow Ebayer All Up in My Grill!

Correct me if I am mistaken. Isn't Ebay an auction site? A site where more than one person bids for an item of interest? This is the norm, isn't it?

Why, then, am I receiving berating e-mails from a co-bidder? Listen lady. This is how it works. If you want the item bad enough, keep bidding. Don't send me repeated e-mails telling me what you think of my bidding prowess.

I really didn't want the item that badly; how can I resist now? Game on. Bring it sister, just keep the bids flying!

Romeo, Where For Art Thou Pants?!?!

For Christmas, I purchased four tickets to the American Ballet Theatre’s production of Romeo and Juliet. It was to be a cultural bonding experience for the females of my family. For those of you keeping track, my mother opted out of this event. Therefore; it was I, both sisters, Brain Surgeon and Selfish Countessa, and my ten year old niece, Little Mermaid. As a side, HFS was in town so she was also introduced to the wonderful world of ballet.

HFS and I met the rest of the gang at the Kennedy Center. Little Mermaid was very excited. If I am not mistaken it was her first professional ballet performance. She has danced and seen The Nutcracker but this was the first professional ballet company offering.

As the lights went down and the dancers appeared on the stage, Little Mermaid visibly flinched in her seat. She immediately leaned over to me and said "Um, they aren’t wearing any PANTS! Where are their pants?" I assured Mermaid that they were wearing tights. She replied, "but I can see EVERYTHING! It wasn’t like this in Nutcracker." By now she has her right arm extended in front of her fingers pointed to the left, shielding her view. "They need longer jackets if they aren’t going to wear pants!" I told her that these were the costumes for this show and she needed to get past this obstacle. She said that she would and lowered her arm and enjoyed the presentation.

In her defense, these young men were well endowed. Their man parts were expertly wrangled leaving nothing to the imagination. Little Mermaid became entranced with the story and in the end forgot about the wardrobe malfunction. HFS declared her love of wrangled man parts.

Oh, to be cultured.

1/8 Pipe

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce to you the 2114 Olympic Half Pipe hopeful.



Yes friends, Little Mermaid is busy practicing her moves. As you can see, currently she is only able to complete the 1/8 pipe. You know what they say, practice, practice practice!

Easier Than Shoveling!

If You Wear Your Pajamas Inside Out, This is What You'll Get:

Welcome to the “blizzard” of 2006. Special thanks to Mother Nature who gave us this beautiful tableau on a Sunday. I am guessing all of us can enjoy this without worrying about getting to work. Although there is the shoveling. Always pros and cons to every situation.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I will attempt to build a snow man on my deck. I think it might be easier than shoveling.

Stay Tuned, Regular Schedule of Blogging Imminent

I am going through some changes at work. This keeps me from writing regularly. I am in the middle of a lateral move which has its Pros and Cons. The biggest Pro is that it will be a five mile commute opposite rush hour traffic. The biggest Con is that I will lose my picture window and be placed in a tomb.

Corporate re-shuffles. You gotta love em.

Be back soon. Talk amongst yourselves.

Favorite Super Bowl Commercials

As usual I can never remember the product being advertised and it seemed as thought the commercials were not that memorable this year. I do have two favorites:

1) The commercial featuring Fabio who aged badly on a gondola
2) The caveman who got stomped by an elephant right after he kicked a baby
dinosaur. Karma sucks donkey balls sometimes.

What were your favorites?

Overheard at Work Today...

“That is hilarious without being funny.”

Make up your own scenario. Extra points for creativity.

Stupefied

(Sing to the Tune of Camp Hill Races)

(I stand corrected, please go back and sing again to the tune of Camptown Races)

Stupid people piss me off
Doo-da, doo-da
Yes indeed they piss me off
Oh de doo-da day

Dear Health Nut:

I applaud your fitness routine. Jogging in the middle of rush hour traffic is truly an art to behold. Until of course your idiocy causes a chain reaction.

Let me give you a helpful hint. Red hand in the cross walk means DO NOT JOG. From now on, please wait for the white walking figure before you insist on jogging through the intersection. It may keep you from bouncing off the hood of the Honda. I was impressed that you were able to regain your stride once your feet hit the pavement.

I am no expert, but I am pretty sure you should have stopped to give some sort of information to the three vehicles who were involved in the crash due to your negligence

It’s Been Bugging Me

I am very sorry that the ABC reporter and his camera man were severely injured in Iraq. However, I do not understand the amount of coverage this issue is receiving. Was it not their choice to go over and report the news?

I know that our armed service men and women signed up but I am pretty sure the majority of them didn’t choose to be over there. Why don’t we get minute by minute information on every injured soldier who is over there so the rest of us can be safe?

I am wishing a speedy recovery and safe return of everyone over there.

A Word to the Scribe

The best advice for Bloggers is to not write anything that you wouldn’t say directly to the individual to whom you are referring. Those who know me personally and with whom I have an active relationship already know that anything written here has previously been expressed to them directly.

How then does this translate to lurkers who may or may not infer that the topic somehow relates to them? Do they have the right to be offended? Do I have the right to vent my opinions on a venue of my choice; this site?

One might ask: if I would not directly tell the offended parties how I feel/felt about something then why write it in the first place? My answer to that would be simple; if anyone is offended by anything I express on this site (one set up for me initially and then for whoever may stumble across it whether accidentally or through extended research) then they should stop reading. This is not rocket science. I never claimed it to be. This exercise is primarily for my amusement or mental health, whichever is in disrepair at the time of the post.

The traffic is fantastic, gravy if you will. It warms the cockles of my heart to see that I have regular readers, some more obsessive than others. None of you are pulling the wool over my eyes, I know who reads and when and how often.

I have had this discussion with other Bloggers. Enquiring minds want to know. If you have an opinion, by all means, let me know.

Stop! Or I’ll Shoot!

Recently at work, some of us were recounting any run ins we have had with the Law; speeding tickets mainly. I mentioned to the group that before a certain incident, I often wondered how State Troopers were able to pull over two motorists at one time.

It was the summer of my 25th year. My family had a small place in Ocean City, MD. With my younger sister in tow, we headed off to the Beach (“down the Ocean- Hon”). To avoid traffic, I usually made the trip late at night. We were on Route 90 heading east. I was one of two cars on the road at the time, the other car maybe half a mile behind me. A car headed west passed me. Instinctually, I looked in my rear view mirror to find the car was a State Trooper who made a sharp U-turn and was about to pull me over. I alerted my sister that fact and she went into panic mode, not sure why. I told her she needed to calm down and I pulled over. As I was slowing down the car behind me zoomed by, just then the Trooper pulled back into traffic and pulled that car over. I assumed that the Trooper wasn’t interested in me at all. I casually tried pulling back out onto the highway. The Trooper responded in kind by drawing his gun. My sister went into a shrieking surrender pose in the front seat, screaming don’t shoot, DON’T SHOOT!!!

I quickly pulled back onto the shoulder and apologized profusely. It was at that exact moment that I realized how Troopers were able to pull over multiple vehicles.

The Trooper came over to me first and found my sister still in surrender pose and hysterical. He was a kid. He was visibly upset by the reaction of my sibling. He stammered a few words about watching the speed limit and to be safe. He then waved us on our way.

To this day, my sister won’t drive at night. I think I may have scarred her for life. However, her histrionics got me out of what would have been a costly ticket.

Perfect Equation

Last night my whole family gathered together for dinner out. We are not the typical family who eats out together often. There are many reasons for this: picky eaters, a set of parents’ who feels the cost is too high ( it’s a generation thought process rather than lack of funds) busy schedules, etc.

However, last night went off without a hitch. I am not sure if it was a fluke or if we can all be completely social away from a home setting. I am happy to report that in the two-hour span of time we spent together there was no discussion of ailments being suffered, no overt sibling rivalry displayed, no hurt feelings. It was very relaxing. We actually had spirited discussions of current events AND everyone enjoyed the food. It was nothing short of a miracle.

We made the executive decision as a family unit to try this once a month since we all had a good time. Hopefully the future gatherings will measure up to this one.

All I’m Sayin

If it happens outside my window, it could possibly make it into the blog. If you want your private business to remain so, may I suggest:

1) Not having animated conversations right outside my window
2) Refrain from public displays of affection. Tonsil hockey – grow up.
3) If you are going to break your neck staring in you might as well be prepared
to wave back. Common courtesy, really.
4) Say thank you if you insist on pounding on my window to let you in because you are too lazy to fish out your key to the door so early in the morning.

No need to get all up in my grill.

There Must Be An Echo…

Thanks to all who have inquired. All is well, no worries. Work is getting in the way of extra curricular activities. Will pick up the pace soon. I promise.

Till then, tell me what’s new with you?

Being Kept Down by the Man

Greetings to all else who are working today. Next life, I am going to be a government employee.

Happy MLK Day

Disappointed Yet Proud

Unfortunately, the Redskins season ended yesterday but they made it farther than they were able to in the last nine years. I am proud of their efforts and hope that they keep the momentum positive for next years season.

Hail to the Redskins.

Happy Triskaidekaphobia!

I am not one to get on the fear of 13 bandwagon. Whatever flips your switch?

Today, I intend to live on the edge and let black cats cross my path and walk under a ladder. While I am pushing the limits, I may even give a speech, pet a spider, take a hot air balloon ride and dance with a clown. Why not?

Have a great weekend everyone. Go Redskins!!!!!

Tag! I’m It

Me Me Me Meme. I’ve been tagged by Joe, of Cut The Shit fame. He has asked me to describe five weird habits about myself.

When I first received this I thought what? Me? Weird habits? Then after I picked myself off the floor following the maniacal laughing fit, I sat down and came up with 213 weird habits. They say the first step is to admit the problem. Now that I have condensed the list to a mere five, let us continue. I have included the rules below. If anyone of you want to participate feel free to do so. I am not much of a tagger, rather in this case a tagee. Thanks a bunch Joe!

1) I was raised to be afraid of doctors. (Considering the fact that my own Dad is a physician I always felt this tactic was odd.) The only time I would have to go to my pediatrician was for immunizations. All other normal childhood ailments my Dad would treat. When I was misbehaving, my Mom would threaten me with a visit to the doctor for a shot. I hated shots. It got to the point of me diving under the dining room table when Mom tried to get me to my scheduled pediatrician visits. Luckily for me, I had a wonderful doctor. He was pretty smart too, he taught me to be afraid of the nurses with the needles and not him. Brilliant!

2) If you are a solicitor, you’d be wise to not knock on my door. My home is my sanctuary. The last thing I want in an unwanted visit from a salesperson or Jehovah’s Witness. The last time I slipped and answered the door on a weekend, I was greeted by 2 persistent Jehovah’s Witnesses. They would not leave so that I could close my door. So I told them that I would be happy to listen to their spiel if they didn’t mind coming in while I sacrificed a Christian. Amazing how fast they flew down the front steps. Come to think of it, they’ve never knocked since.

3) I love verbal sparring. Spirited debates keep my brain working in high gear. Although I may push a bit too far. Recently I was expostulating with a co-worker and he finally raised his hands and stated that was the first time he was “ sodomized by words.” Ouch. I will work on that, yikes.

4) I LOATHE shopping. I may be one of the few females on the planet who don’t enjoy this ritual. This includes grocery shopping. I just did not receive this gene from my Mom. My two sisters did for sure. Perhaps I am adopted. Hmmmm.

5) I am hooked on home improvement TV shows. Specifically Trading Spaces and While You Were Out. The amount of time I spend viewing these programs one would think that I am the Queen of Do-It-Yourself. Nothing could be further from the truth. I get fantastic ideas from these shows but lack the energy to actually start a project. I would love for someone to nominate me for the While You Were Out show so I could return to a great surprise.

The first player of this game starts with the topic “five weird habits of yourself,” and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You have been tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

Nip and Tuck

My site definitely needed some rejuvenation. I had an idea of what it should look like for some time but I lack the knowledge for the actual mechanics involved. Cut me some slack. I only recently learned how to add pictures to the site. It’s a process for this old gal.

I am happy to present to you the new and improved look. I think it’s fabulous. Many thanks to my Web Mistress Extra Ordinaire, the accomplished HFS. She is the techno wizard behind this operation.

Between this blog botox and the Redskins moving forward in the playoffs, my weekend has been quite nice. Hope yours has also.

Forasmuch As.....

....You just know that some days will be excessively arduous.




The rest of you have a nice day!

Miscommunication??????

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families and sole survivor of the coal mine accident victims. I cannot wrap my head around how such a “miscommunication” could occur.

In this day and age of high tech everything, one would think such an important detail would be verified in triplicate before being reported. It must be that our society is in such a hurry to be the first to report news whether right or wrong that things like this can happen.

Deplorable!

Here’s a Tip: Plant Your Corn Early

Unsung heros, foods service workers. I have great respect for wait staff. Talk about a thankless job.

It is rare that I don’t tip the standard 20% when eating out. If I happen to be unhappy with anything while dining out, I’d rather speak to the manager and let them know why my experience was inadequate rather than cheating my server. Nine times out of ten, the bad service has to do with what is going on behind the scenes rather than the server not performing their job. I do know people who will look for every opportunity to hassle the wait staff in an effort to get a free meal or discount. They’re also those who feel some sense of entitlement and treat servers with irreverence.

I tried to be a waitress ( the politically correct term back then) while in college. It was not a task that I either was good at or enjoyed. I lasted for half a shift. My demise came when an elderly customer, not happy with his visit, left me a penny for a tip. I grabbed the penny, followed him out to his vehicle and told him he must have dropped something and returned his coin.

Right after that, I turned in my apron.

New Year’s Resolution....

Make it to the PLAYOFFS!

Hail to the REDSKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!