Happy New Year

I've never been one for resolutions. In 2009 my resolution will be to make none; less pressure. I will do my best to let the small stuff slide and enjoy each day to it's fullest.

That is why Martinis were invented my friends.

I toast you Internet:

Here's wishing you more happiness
Than all my words can tell,
Not just alone for New Years Eve
But for all the year as well.

This Greeting has Been Cleared by My Attorney

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)



From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 24th day of December two thousand and eight.

Fa La La La La La La La Laaaaaaaaa

This evenings conversation between my good friend, the Pet Whisperer and I:

Pet Whisperer: (who routinely calls me while commuting back from work) As soon as I get home, I need to make the DAMN cookies.

Wicked: Geez, what kind of cookies are you going to make?

Pet Whisperer: Pinwheels!!!!

Wicked: Can’t you just make drop cookies like the rest of us?

Pet Whisperer: They are my husband and son’s favorites!

Wicked: Surely there is a bakery that we can buy them from. I will do the leg work, seriously.

Pet Whisperer: It won’t be the same.

Wicked: Oh my God. Who told you to make it a Martha Stewart Christmas?

I am still hoping that perhaps her cell phone simply dropped the call. I really think she hung up on me.

Shoe Pocalypse

Tis the season for hilarity.

If nothing else, the ole boy can dodge a pair of shoes.

His legacy has been formed.

The Real Story Behind Why Angels Top the Tree

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Let the Reindeer Games Begin

May also be known as winter snorkeling......



Alcohol may have been involved.

(Crazy times at work kids, doing my best to keep my head above water. May try the snorkeling trick soon)

Over the River and Through the Woods

As Thanksgiving begins the season of heightened family drama, I would like for you to keep this one in your arsenal. When things are getting tense and you are on the verge of hurling the gravy boat at your sibling, think of the Parrot Story.

An oldie but a goodie.....

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving.

Let the holiday craziness begin.

He’s Sharted and He Can’t Get Up!

If you’ve visited this site previously, you know that know that my family endures hysterical scenarios. I would be remiss, if I didn’t share, right?

It seems my father had an incident recently. The parental units took B-I-L #1 and family out for his birthday dinner. A good time was had by all. Fast forward to later that evening.

My father had what he assumed was a minor attack of flatulence. It happens to the best of us. Since he was alone in that part of the house, my mother had long since ascended to her bedroom, he decided to let the gas escape. During mid-release, he realized that air was not the only passenger.

He decided to use his 83 year old body, to “sprint” to his master bath and hopefully make it to the restroom in time. Since my father was never a runner and due to his advanced age and various obstacles such as throw rugs in the foyer en route to the master bath, his race was not too successful.

He managed to hurdle the first throw rug but his slipper got caught on the second rug and down he went. Yes, my father took a header into the door jamb of his bedroom. Sharting himself to oblivion.

After he cleaned himself up, he decided it was a good idea to wake my mother and let her know what happened. I can’t recall what her response was because by that time I was choking on my own sputum from the howls of laughter emanating from my being.

He is quite lucky. His glasses broke and scraped his face, he may have needed stitches but was too stubborn to go and get treated. Thank goodness he didn’t break a hip, undue all that was done during his back surgery or any number of worse things that could have happened.

When I asked him why he didn’t just duck into the powder room that was closest to him during his crisis, he replied “I didn’t want to mess up that bathroom.”

Folks, I wish I could make this stuff up. I may pitch this new slogan to the Lifeline people: “I’ve sharted and I can’t get up!”

YES. WE. CAN.

Well played America. Well played.

Proud to be an American!

This is a Competition, Please No Wagering

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past year, you must have heard that election day is Tuesday November 4th. This means nothing for any of you living outside the US; or does it?

I have heard many express that they wished the elections were over already. They are tired of all the propaganda on TV, radio, internet, telephone, carrier pigeon - all of it. I couldn’t agree more. However I don’t want that to deter you from making your way to the voting booth.

I am not here to preach to you about any particular candidate. My only goal with this post is to remind you to get out and vote. It is every American’s civic duty and privilege, why waste your voice? Take part in this historical decision that will affect your life and the lives of those in the future.

Practice patience, bring your ID or voter registration card, take another voter with you and Vote.

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me*

It was the one and only thing we were actually saving. Now we must give that back too.

It’s all going to Hell in a handbasket. (What exactly does that mean?)

This time change always throws off my internal clock. I head to work at o dark thirty as it is; I suppose it will now be o darker thirty? I am so confused!

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back this evening.

*Name that tune.

Jack and Friends on a Bender

Happy Halloween!!!

That is How We Roll

Best line spoken by Lil Wicked during our scrabble game this past weekend.

“ Don’t know what it means. BUT, it is a valid word!”

True that!

Who can argue with that kind of thirteen year old conviction? With it, she won the game.

Well played, Lil Wicked. Well played!!!

Random Acts of Tagness

T2ed, who apparently is too stubborn to call the Dog Whisperer, has tagged me. Since I understand what it is like to be beaten by pups, I shall indulge him.

Who knew random came in sevens? There may be a quiz requiring a number two pencil. It may behoove you to pay attention.

1) I was raised to be afraid of doctors. (Considering the fact that my own Dad is a physician I always felt this tactic was odd.) The only time I would have to go to my pediatrician was for immunizations. All other normal childhood ailments my Dad would treat. When I was misbehaving, my Mom would threaten me with a visit to the doctor for a shot. I hated shots. It got to the point of me diving under the dining room table when Mom tried to get me to my scheduled pediatrician visits. Luckily for me, I had a wonderful doctor. He was pretty smart too, he taught me to be afraid of the nurses with the needles and not him. Brilliant!

2) If you are a solicitor, you’d be wise to not knock on my door. My home is my sanctuary. The last thing I want in an unwanted visit from a salesperson or Jehovah’s Witness. The last time I slipped and answered the door on a weekend, I was greeted by 2 persistent Jehovah’s Witnesses. They would not leave so that I could close my door. So I told them that I would be happy to listen to their spiel if they didn’t mind coming in while I sacrificed a Christian. Amazing how fast they flew down the front steps. Come to think of it, they’ve never knocked since.

3) I am an avid dog lover. However, the loss of my golden retriever is still so very painful that I don’t think I will ever get another dog. Dexter and I had 13 wonderful years together but I will never forget the pain I felt the day I had to take him to be put down. I know many of us have had terrific pets/furry children in our lives but he can never be replaced. Also I don’t think I have the emotional strength to ever have to go through losing a pet in that way again. Maybe I am a coward.

4) Although I am getting much better, I am a holder of grudges. I have a very high tolerance for bullshit. However, if you purposefully hurt me, you are done. I will not waste the time with useless confrontations, I will simply hit the delete button. Poof, you will exit my radar for good. There are plenty of great radar blips that I refuse to scramble the signals with the bad.

5) When I was seven years old, my younger sister was born. My parents were not necessarily planning this third child which might explain why we had a 4 month old puppy when she was born. The puppy was extremely jealous of the baby and my Mom decided we had to give the puppy away. I was devastated; not only was I not the youngest but the baby was the reason the puppy was departing. In retaliation, when she was six months old, I attempted to throw my baby sister into the trash. She was minding her own business in her playpen when I took her out and tried stuffing her into the tiny trash can in my bedroom. She looked like a Jack-in-the-Box, so I quietly returned her to the playpen. I did not admit to this until I was 18.

6) I may be one of a very few females who dislikes shopping. Let me clarify, I dislike shopping in stores. I love the ease and comfort of pointing and clicking my way to bargains and treasures online. The thought of spending my cherished free (non-working) time fighting someone over a parking space or playing bumper carts in a grocery store, sucks the life right out of me. Those of you, which includes both my sisters and Mom, who find solace in shopping, kudos to you. I simply do not find anything relaxing about the whole ordeal.

7) Laughter is the best medicine and the first line of defense. Lets face it, these days if you can’t find anything to laugh at, stay away from building with more than fifteen stories or loaded firearms. I make sure I enjoy a hearty belly laugh at least once a day, more like once an hour. I am known as the spirit lifter at work. I am frequently called upon to make someone laugh. Laughter comes easier when you learn how not to sweat the small stuff.

Whew! Okay, you can all relax. That was cathartic. I won’t tag anyone. However, if you’d like to randomize, drop me a line in the comments and I will gladly come by and read.

The quiz is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon; good luck.

Wii-Tard!

Okay. I have repeatedly admitted that I am very slow on the uptake when it comes to technology. I did not need to touch a computer until my early thirties; this should explain a lot.

So, for my birthday I received the Wii. I have attempted to play before with my niece who probably burned more calories laughing her ass off watching me fail miserably. What are Aunts for? Right Lil Wicked?

I am happy to announce that hooking up the contraption was very easy. I conquered making a Mii, I even named her Wicked H. All this with no help, I’ve come a long way baby!

I inserted the sports game disc, managed to bowl with no problems. Tennis, not so much. I tried and tried, the best I could do was serve. As for returning the ball either it bounced twice and the crowd booed or I hit the spectators square in the head. I think I should earn a quarter point for at least that, seriously. Can you all do that?

I just got off the phone with Lil Wicked. She may have a stitch in her side from the uproarious laughter. Apparently one needs no button while playing tennis. The fine folks at Wii do not mention this. Why is that?

In any case, I am off to conquer tennis with my condom encased Wii remote. Something Lil Wicked’s does not have.

Ha!

Rhymes with Sporty Clicks

What can I say? They say your mind is the first thing to go.

Wait, I think the first thing to take a hike is the elasticity of your skin. Or is it the eye sight?

The explosion of grey hair and not just on your scalp. The onset of many wrinkles, hot flashes, creaking joints; the list goes on forever.

Wisdom? Yes. There is the silver lining. With age comes wisdom.

Don’t believe a word of it!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Thank you Redskins - icing on my cake!

How Healthy is Your Liver?

I ask because I propose a drinking game for tonight’s Vice Presidential Debate. I propose that we throw back a shot each time Palin makes a wacky comment.

We will all be blitzed after ten minutes, 15 tops.

Who is with me?

Ding, Dong the Troll is Almost Gone

Oh happy day! Remember this?

Well her last day is this Friday. The stars aligned and she found another establishment in which to wreak havoc.

Imagine my surprise when a few co-workers asked me what I would be bringing to the pot luck lunch in the Troll’s honor. I explained the lesson my Mother taught me, if you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet. This same platitude rings true for impromptu pot lucks for trolls.

While my office mates will be chowing down with the departing trouble maker, I will proudly display my new found button.



If anyone of you needs one, feel free. I am nothing if not kind. To those who have not annoyed me.

Celebration!!!!!

I am not creative enough to come up with a witty and pithy post about my two siblings’ birthday. Instead I will ask that you all join me in wishing them a very Happy Birthday.

Today is Brain Surgeon’s Birthday, my older sister. If someone had told me back when I was in my teens, during the time that she and I just did not get along, that we would develop a very strong friendship that no bond could break. I would not have believed them. I am so blessed to have her in my life in the many facets she represents for me and the rest of her family and many of her friends. Happy Birthday to you Brain Surgeon!!!!!

Also today, we must celebrate my adopted Big Brother’s birthday. Please join me in wishing Monty a.k.a. The CEO a very Happy Birthday. Monty has been a part of my life now for a few years and it is hard to describe the bond we have especially since we have not met in person. Believe me when I tell you it is strong and most important and valuable.

Happy birthday to both my siblings, Brain Surgeon and Monty. I wish you happiness today and ALL days!

Restorative Powers of the Tide

My week at the beach was just what the doctor ordered. That is if I had consulted a physician. I tend to self diagnose and medicate. On my imaginary RX was a week at the beach and I was a very compliant patient.

Back now with a renewed spirit and lingering cold, I am ready to tackle the grind. The weather was good, I had a few days of company followed by the requisite amount of solitude with the tide. Also, the Redskins won 2 games in a row.





Reality, bring it.

Pssssssst

Hey just because I am away doesn’t mean you are not in my thoughts.

How you all are? My tall friend is making sure all is well.

Having a great time, glad I am not there. Salutations from the Beach.

Vacation!

We all have different definitions of a perfect vacation. This picture adequately represents mine. I am off to rest, relax and re-charge. I honestly did not think I would make it.

I am depending on all of you to behave yourselves during my absence. If you have to be bad, make me proud. Don’t do anything I would not do. That gives you all a very wide berth. You’re welcome.

See you soon......

We Look to the Future Knowing We Can Never Forget the Past

The World And Its Soul (Part II)
Allen Jesson

I have been blessed and cursed with perception,
because I can see what life has in store,
and my dreams of eternal peace,
seemed to have been dashed for ever more.

I have this dreadful feeling,
that we, as one, are on the edge,
and peace to you my fellow man,
is what I really want to pledge.

But how can life carry on?
With this cancer held within?
Without freedom of speech and movement,
where on Earth can you begin?

And when I think of the children,
from new born to troubled teenage,
how do we love them on the one hand,
and contain this burning rage?

I keep trying to look for the positives,
and look for hope on the other side,
but then I cry me a river,
and gee, how I've cried.

And hope springs eternal,
and may these days into history fade,
and may we all be very proud,
be proud of the roles that we've played.

We all still have that hate and anger,
but we need to temper that callous steel,
we need to look at our family,
and think of how others might feel.

Retribution won't be denied,
but we need to dilute with common sense,
we need the world to survive,
we still need our children's innocence.

Love is stronger than hate,
and love and justice will prevail, and I hope our children's children,
learn from and live to tell this tale.

So, I am still bitter,
and angry on a whole,
but we need to rebuild, not destroy,
the World and it's Soul.

Breaking Point

Kids can be very mean to each other. Downright ugly at times. I listen to the trials and tribulations that my 13 year old niece goes through with her peers. I have found that the degree of meanness hasn’t changed much it just appears in different forms or with different vocabulary. Let’s face it, kids today are way smarter than the ones of my generation. She asked me if I had any real altercations at her age. I figured while I had it all fresh in my memory I would share it here as well.

My parents raised us to be non-confrontational. The general rule was try to ignore it and they will stop and pick on someone else. If all else fails defend yourself. I was either 9 or 10 had a decent circle of friends from the apartment complex we were living in. We all hung out with each other, rode the bus to and from school together. One day while riding the bus home one of my “friends” decided she was bored and started to pull single strands of hair from my braided pigtails. She was seated behind me on the bus with another girl as her support. The first couple of times, although it was painful, I ignored it. She then began pulling 2 or more strands at a time and it was not only painful but also degrading as the remainder of the bus behind me was now in on the game. Still trying to adhere to the rules set forth by my folks, I decided to get off the bus a few stops early and walk the rest of the way. To my dismay so did Gabby and her friend. I started walking briskly towards our development and Gabby decided to further taunt me by poking me in the rear with part of a long tree branch.

That was my breaking point. On her second pass, I whipped around and grabbed the tree branch and pulled it toward me. It happened so fast that she did not let go of the branch and we ended up nose to nose. I am not sure who was more shocked by this. She dropped her end of the branch and swiftly turned on her heel and began walking away quickly. My instinct was to grab her pony tail and yank with all my might. The force knocked her to the ground. When I let go of her hair I had a hefty handful of her locks. She was stunned, sitting on the ground motionless. Her friend took off running. I calmly shook her hair off my hands and returned to my path towards home. No emotions, no words spoken. I got home, received my regular greeting from my Mom and then I broke down. I don’t think I have ever cried that hard up to that moment.

It is of note that Gabby decided to not pick on me ever again. We remained friends until her family moved away 2 years later. In fact I guess when she got home and told her Mom what had happened, they both came over to apologize. No apology was expected of me but of course I did as well.

To this day, I am not one to fly off the handle. My breaking point remains very high. Once it is broken, watch out.

Here is your Tip.....

.....plant your corn early.

I recently witnessed a few unhappy encounters at my local nail salon. Not sure who owns and operates nail salons in your area but this particular incident occurred at a salon owned and operated predominantly by Vietnamese personnel.

This is pretty much status quo in the area that I reside. I have been frequenting this salon for a few years now and am extremely happy with all services provided to me. I also make sure I have an appointment and see the same nail tech each time. I believe this makes for a pleasant experience. As with all businesses of this nature, walk ins are welcomed. The patron did not have an appointment and was serviced by a very mild mannered woman who has very little control of the English language. Being of foreign descent myself, I do not condone the bad behavior of the client simply because she could not communicate effectively with the nail technician. Similarly, I can understand that perhaps the client felt slighted during her visit due to the constant dialogue in Vietnamese between her nail tech and the neighboring tech who was also working on a different walk in.

Certainly, if you feel snubbed because you cannot convey exactly what you like, then perhaps picking a salon with more English speaking personnel would be of some benefit. However, in this particular case, the salon has a non-Asian receptionist. He is completely fluent in English and is generally the liaison between the customers and technicians. If he can’t get the message across himself, he will seek the aide in another tech who can translate between customer and technician.

Perhaps the customer was having a very bad day. She really treated her tech with much disrespect and then announced to everyone within earshot that no tip would be offered due to sub standard service.

Now I ask you, if you are unhappy with the service being provided do you feel inclined to leave a tip? I ask this because several times I have heard horror stories of service oriented encounters where the customer is furious but still feels compelled to leave a tip. Why not stop the action, get the visit back on track and everyone is happy?

Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?

Blogstipated

I am having a few issues, you know how it is. I am going to forage for some fiber products to shake loose this creative impaction.

In the meantime, I leave you with a contest. Come on, who doesn’t love a good challenge? I know the answer and will divulge after you all have had a chance to play.



Riddle me this Internets, what is Lil Wicked thinking?

Vote early, vote often.

Back to School Woes

I have to say that each year around this time I get a wee bit sad. Want to know why? Very soon, school will be back in session. Am I sad because I will miss my little ones’ company? I don’t have any offspring so that is not the source of my melancholy.

My distress stems from the opening of school and the onslaught of crazed morning traffic. No offense to any parent who is in a perpetual rush during school day mornings, but the traffic during school time is off the hook. Admit it moms and dads, summer time morning rush hour is quite different than when school is open. Of course the school bus schedules are a major factor as well.

Kids, I hope you had a great summer. Please be careful before you dart out into the street trying to catch the bus. Try not to send your parental units over the edge so early in the morning. Seriously, who wants to start any day with drama? Be easy on your folks. Oh and for the love of all that is holy, please, PLEASE bring home all the necessary books, assignments and materials for each night’s homework load. (Lil Wicked, I am kind of talking to you here)

I, in turn, will practice my deep breathing exercises while driving. If I have to raise my voice due to being cut off by a driver in a rush, I promise that my windows will be closed so as not to harm those delicate ears of anyone within the sound of my rant. If I must gesture, I will do so in the direction of my floor board. Any flipping will be done in the direction of gravity. I swear.

Hope all the scholars have a great school year and may the rest of us practice patience and grace.

Ready. Set. Learn!

Face Your Manga

Fun! Go try it.

Closed Craptioning

I’ll be honest.

I rarely pay attention to the closed captioning feature on any of my televisions. The CC feature was active while I was spending time with my Father after his surgery but the TV was too far away for me to be able to concentrate on the words.

Tonight, while at my nail salon, I had a direct view of one of the many plasmas mounted on the walls of the place all set to the closed captioning mode. I am thankful each day that I do not type for a living, for I would starve. One would think that the fine folks who transcribe would be more adept at what they do. One would be horribly wrong.

I was pretty amused and disconcerted with what I was reading:

Unanimity when describing the amount of moisture in the air.

Did you know that when two vehicles collide it is transcribed as a reek?

During the Olympic coverage they used the word bleating when describing one team being victorious over another.

I know, you think I am being too critical but these people are supposed to be performing a widely used service. Now wonder so many folks are confused. May I suggest a remedial transcribing course?

You Gotta Play to Win!

I am a winner!!

My friend Red had a contest a while ago. As a joke I made up two names. She diligently threw my entry into the hat and bing, bam, boom - this is what I won.



Hand painted and customized. I know!!

Now listen to me. These letters are available for purchase and in whatever design you may need. I highly suggest that you click on over to Red’s Etsy Shop and take a gander. You’ll be missing out if you don’t. At least promise you will take a look see.

Sophie you are the best, my two Niece’s thank you immensely!!

Go Michael, GO!!!

EIGHT!!!!!!

Go Hon, GO!!

(This post has been brought to you by a more than slightly proud Baltimore native)

Best relay ever!

Talking trash only motivates the man...BOO YA!!!!!!!!!!!

You make us all very proud. BRAVO Hon!

Holistic Versus Not

Today, during lunch, we had an interesting debate. As we work in a conventional medical environment, the majority of us believe in healing the allopathic way.

A question was posed regarding reflexology and its benefits. One of our providers having had the most experience with this method, waxed poetic about all the magical powers of reflexology. She was well versed in her knowledge. Unfortunately, most of the room contained prescribers and followers of allopathic medicine.

We each expressed our beliefs with the holistic approach. My turn came around and I stated that if one was going to try the holistic approach, an open mind would be the key to that magical gateway.

As for myself, I stated that if a holistic healer was to attempt to tell me to focus on a beautiful thought in order to overcome an acute pain related issue, I would have to opt for an extra dose of martinis. Perhaps several extra doses. You see, holistic healers do not prescribe medicine.

Mind over matter; when it works it is amazing. Pass the shaker kids. I will toast my chiropractor with the next round. Yes, my chiropractor was acutely aware that I was a non-believer during my first visit. I have now been seeing her for well over two years.

How about you? Allopathic or holistic? I will remain open minded as long as my glass if full.

Let me hear it.

Finally, Success!!

I really was beginning to feel as though my HOA was smoking crack. Why else would they have not addressed this complaint?

I am overwhelmingly happy to report that the HOA monitors have sprung into action and the health hazard I was living next to has been resolved.



If the rules are to be enforced, they should be enforced for all. One problem down, hopefully the next one will be resolved as well.

Who Knew?

Cell phones don’t cause cancer. They pop corn!

Seriously!

I know what I'll be practicing this weekend!

25 Phrases of Wisdom

(Original author not known to me. I'd definitely share a martini or two with them however - Enjoy)

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist changes places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Welcome Back Mademoiselle Ambassador

Let me preface this post by explaining that I am unfortunately not a parent. Last night or really very early Wednesday morning, Lil Wicked and the rest of her Ambassador delegation return from their whirl wind globe hopping mission.

The parents of these twelve young adults have formed a bond that may be more permanent than their offspring. I had the privilege of being present when they left as well as when they returned. I have to report a few observations of the parental units.

I would say half the units were old pros at being separated from their children. A better way to describe this is that half of them were not voicing their separation anxieties as much as the others. I was amused to hear the first question the parental units ask each other was “how many times did your kid call you?” Can I tell you that each time my BIL1 heard that the other kids contacted their families more than Lil Wicked did, his heart sank even more. The man was a wreck the ENTIRE time she was gone.

Of course their flight was delayed, it is mid July in the Nations Capital thunderstorms happen, planes get delayed. So the flight that was supposed to arrive at Dulles at midnight was only originally ninety minutes late. It gave the parents another way to bond. Although, some of these parents were keenly connected technologically and let me tell you the roller coaster ride of emotions as they each shared their knowledge with each other. Friends, sometime ignorance is pure bliss.

Here is a snippet of panicked/aggravated responses to flight updates:

Upon hearing that the flight left LA late due to a bomb threat in the airport, several parents lost all color and knees began to wobble. A couple of them may have had to put their heads between their knees. I will not name names.

When 1:30 am rolled around and the flight number no longer appeared on the arrivals board, every parent whipped out their cells phones; some furiously texting, some calling others masterfully navigating their blackberries/PDAs/ whatever the hell those gadgets are referred to this week.

It was determined that many flights were being diverted to B.W.I., the airport closest to where BS and BIL1 live. Panic ensues!!

2 am , it was determined and 10 minutes later announced, that the kids flight had indeed landed in B.W.I. due to weather and would be refueled and flown back to Dulles.

Texting became fast and furious, of course the kids were instructed not to use cell phones while on a plane. One resourceful mother was texting the chaperone like a mad woman.

2:30 am it was determined that the plane was receiving fuel and would be leaving shortly. The entire group of welcomers made their way to Starbucks for a fix of some kind.

3:00 am the flight is en route. Welcomers are exhausted and grumpy, been a very long day for all.

3:30 am let the reunions begin!!! Happy Days are here again!

All was instantly well once everyone was reunited. It was heart warming. My bet is that once the kid has been around for 24 hours, each parent will secretly count down the days for their next journey. We are talking about tweens and teenagers afterall.

I am very glad I was there, I can sleep anytime! It amazes me how much she matured in a mere 18 days.

Welcome Home Lil Wicked!!!

Smelly VS Melon

We assembled the family for another cookout. Picking the hottest day of the season AND volunteering to grill wasn’t the best idea I have ever had but we all survived.

Dad to the rescue with watermelon and cantaloupe for dessert. You are witnessing Smelly’s first foray into the land of melons.

Ready, set, go!

As you can see, it does not take much to amuse the Family Wicked. Later on, I spent a good 45 minutes amusing Smelly with all my toddler armor while the rest of the family watched and laughed. Side splitting fun.

The day could only have been better if Ambassador Lil Wicked was present. Not to worry she arrives back very late Tuesday night

You Know You are Getting Old When.....

....you throw your back out while reaching to grab your clothes from the dryer!



Of course, I told everyone at work that I had a hairy sky diving experience. The actual story was just too damn embarrassing.

What great adventure would you have used? You know, because I have to continue to dry my clothes. I would like to be prepared.

No Wonder They Yelp Incessantly

I ask you, is this healthy?



Remember this? Besides violating about 14 different HOA policies, this is down right disgusting.

If you were a dog, you’d voice your disdain as well.

I’ve tried everything I can think of to gently nudge them to fix the problem. I suppose I have to bring out the big guns. I have an idea of my next course of action. Any suggestions?

Lil Wicked, Ambassador Lil Wicked

Kindly address my niece as Mademoiselle Ambassador from this point forward. While you are at it, wish her a Happy 13th Birthday.



Let me explain. Ambassador Lil Wicked is currently across the globe representing the US of A in New Zealand, then Australia with Fiji bringing up the end of the journey. Someone anonymously nominated her to serve in the People to People Program. Go ahead read all about it, I’ll wait.

Pretty impressive, right? I have to say that without this stint as an Ambassador, the kid is pretty formidable. I know I am her Aunt, but I am pretty sure you’d agree. It was my great honor to be present at the airport this past Saturday to send her off on the first leg of her jaunt. I also was there to keep her parental units from embarrassing her any further than they already do. (Oh Hi Brain Surgeon and BIL#1) Fortunately, if there were any tears shed they were done in private.

Happy Birthday Mademoiselle Lil Wicked. Bon Voyage. Make many memories. Don’t end up in any foreign prisons.

I think I covered them all. Oh, also try to text your father in more than only three words. He is having a bit of anxiety.

Hugs and Kisses
Aunt Wicked

Happy 232nd Birthday, America!

You all have a safe and Happy 4th!

Scantily Clad Menopausal Beauties

Okay Interwebs, a little help please. I don’t usually pay attention to commercials but this one is bugging me.

The product is Evista and it’s geared toward menopausal women. So far so good. The commercial tells the viewer of any possible side effects etcetera. It tells women to contact their physician and ask about the product. Got it.

Riddle me this, why are all the women in the commercial just wrapped up in a sheet? Must the menopausal mama be half naked for this drug to work?

I am obviously missing the marketing strategy.

Anyone?

Still Chewing on this One

Not sure the outcome will become clear to me any time in the near future. I can predict, in my mind, the one event that would make it like Waterford; although that time is in an infinite distance.

Let me know what you think:

"One person’s ingenuity is another’s theft."

Discuss!

Hon Fest Gallery 2008

As I mentioned previously, this was our first foray into the land of Hons during their festival. All three of us had more fun that we thought possible even though it was the hottest day of the year; sweltering would not begin to describe the temperature.

We made our way in to Charm City by way of BS’s new toy; her brand new red convertible VW Bug. Traveling topless gave me ample opportunity to embarrass Lil Wicked by doing the cabbage patch while jamming the satellite radio tunes. The Bug is cute and all but not much room in the back seat. It did not prevent Lil Wicked from diving to the floor boards during my dance off. Embarrassment mission accomplished onto the Hon Fest.

I will let the photos speak for themselves. It was just as advertised - Hons O Plenty.


You know it is a serious event when even the buildings are adorned!


Hottie Hon!


Bee-you-ti-fool Hon!


Bout them O’s, Hon?


When in Honville, do like the Hons!

We have all kinds of ideas for the proper attire for next year. Hope to see you there - Hon!!!

Getting Even....

....because getting mad is such a colossal waste of time.

I am a relatively tolerant person. That is until you have passed my point of no return. Then it gets rather ugly. Stealthy ugly. I am never outwardly devious for that is absolutely no fun.



Creature, you are going down. If it the last thing I do, I will arrange it so that Karma turns it's confused self around and watch it bite you in your sorry ass.

This is personal now. The gloves are off and trust me when I tell you that you don't want the actual wicked side of me to engage. I forgot who I was dealing with, I don't need wickedness at all. I have intelligence on my side.

Enjoy the ride sweetheart, it will not last. Nor will you.

No warning, this is my promise.

LoJack for the Parental Units

Friday night I was just about to settle down with my pomegranate martini when Brain Surgeon called. I answered the phone with our normal salutation "Hi Hon!" What I usually get back is "Hello Hon, What are you doing?" Instead, in a slightly irritated/minimally panicked tone, she asked if I knew where our parents were?

Our parents are not typically out roaming the streets at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. They are in their early 80s. I found her question odd for a couple of reasons, the main one being her tone and the fact that both my sisters live within minutes of our parents. My first instinct was that perhaps they went to visit Smelly as she and her parents were away for a week and both Grandparents were having Smelly withdrawal. So I asked BS if she asked Professor Countessa (Smelly’s Mom) the same question. To which I received an audible sigh.

It’s a long story. The Reader’s Digest version is that Professor Countessa was asked to go over to the house to see if anything looked unusual. She did in fact go over and check things out. Her flaw was that she returned to her own home for a nap without reporting back to a worried BS. That is when the call was placed to me. I came up with the same round of suggestions: they are out shopping and splurged and also grabbed dinner (a rarity for them), did we call their cell phones ( we had, neither answered nor do they really know how to use them) and when was the last time anyone of us had spoken to them?

By this time, BS was clearly at a DEFCON 4 level of worrying. Her major premise for the alarm was that a) she is the eldest and b) she was getting ready to leave for vacation and wanted to make sure all was okay before leaving. I tried to reassure her that it was probably something silly like they lost track of time and that we’d hear from them any moment. I told her I would try calling all numbers again and try to get a SITREP from Professor Countessa.

Another ninety minutes ticks past and we still have not heard from our parents. I call and speak with BIL1 and ask him for the names of the local hospitals. I decided I would eliminate the anxiety of wondering if they were in an emergency room. He kindly volunteered to make those calls; thankfully they were not in a hospital. After more brainstorming, we decided to call a couple of their friends to see if any of them had any news.

By the second call, we found them. Who knew that the homeland team had made it into round two of the World Cup Soccer championships? They were with their buds enjoying the double O.T. win. Viva la Homeland team!!!

The next game is on the 25th, we have grounded our parents until then.......

And, I Get Paid!!

Our office has been invaded by ants. I don’t think this is a revelation for anyone in this area. I am not an expert on ants or how to eliminate them; however I am certain that the following scenario was not going to help.

Behold an interesting exchange between my office mate and I:

Office Mate (OM): Well just so everyone knows, I just used one of the anti-AIDS virus wipes and got rid of the ants in the kitchen.

Wicked: Mmmm hmmm. Good for you.

After a few minutes, OM visits the kitchen to survey her accomplishment.

OM: I don’t understand.

Wicked: What don’t you understand?

OM: The ants, they’re back!

Wicked: What made you think they were gone?

OM: Well the anti-AIDS virus wipes, of course!!

Wicked: Seriously, all you accomplished was to eliminate the ants from contracting and spreading the virus, possibly Hepatitis and lets throw in any other STD for good measure. As for obliterating the colony, the wipe can’t do that.

OM: Darn!

Can you believe I get paid for this kind of entertainment??

I know!!

Bawlmer Bucket List Item

That’s right! Can you guess where Brain Surgeon, Lil Wicked and I will be this weekend?

C’mon, one guess.

Wrong! We will be over here Hon!

You know you’re jealous!

I hope my beehive holds up. If not, that would be tragic, Hon!

Enough Already!

Too damn hot!

No motivation.

Hope all is well in your corner of the blogosphere/world.

Send dry ice!!

Oy!

Well-Mannered Dirty Martini

First, if you have not yet tried one, get thee to your local watering hole and report back. Touts suite!

Second, if your Maternal Unit tore you a new one for issues that are not even within your comprehension, let alone your control, have at least two.

Friends, let us all agree that family ties are a slippery slope. It is no secret that my Father went through a major ordeal recently. He sailed through; easy breezy. My Mother, the Drama Queen, is still internalizing all her pent up frustrations from that recent period. Correction, she unleashed her frustrations onto Brain Surgeon while being transported to a shopping excursion. I will not go into the gory details.

What I will share is that I picked up my sisters, Brain Surgeon and Maternal Countessa, for an evening of harbor breezes and the dulcet tunes of our Sweet Baby James. The Sisters Wicked attended the James Taylor concert at the Pier Six Pavilion located in the heart of the Inner Harbor of Baltimore. Or for the natives, “bout them O’s...Hon?”

We began our late afternoon with a yummy platter of apps consumed on the patio of the Cheesecake Factory. We washed down our apps with a couple or three “well-mannered” dirty martinis. I was told that I needed to step up and make the hour and a half trek to Maryland when our Mother wanted to be dropped off for one of her therapeutic shopping trips. Keep in mind, won’t you, that two of the Sisters live within 5 minutes of the Parental Units. But Professor Countessa thought I should make the trip because I wasn’t helping out enough. Sisters, can’t live with them and can’t knock them into the Harbor without getting arrested.

Anyway, I had a bit of solace when Professor Countessa was unable to operate the new Dyson hand dryer:

I watched BS use it first, made a joke about how I obviously had to get out more and was successful in drying my hands. Professor Countessa just stared at it and then wiped her hands on her jeans. I quietly said a quick prayer for all of the Professor's students and hoped that none would ask for a refund. Seriously, if you can teach biology, one would imagine that you could figure out the hand dryer after first watching both of your siblings utilize the contraption.

I digress. The weather was perfect. James was a bit shy while conversing with the audience. The young physician behind us was having issues with her answering service. The Baby Boomers can throw back dozens of cocktails during a show as well as empty their bladders just as often. Pier Six is a fantastic venue, if you’ve never been, try it at least once.

I do not recommend discussing the length of time a PAP smear should take while trapped in your vehicle with both your sisters, in a parking garage with no visible means of escape. Should you find yourself in this situation, just keep quiet. Trust me , you’ll thank me later.

How sweet it was to be out with James........

Memorial Day

Memorial Day Weekend traditionally marks the beginning of summer. However, during your upcoming celebrations, stop and think about the true meaning of the day, which is to honor those who in uniform who have given what Lincoln called "the last full measure of devotion."

Unlearned Lesson

Memorial Day
Of every year
The little valiant
Flags appear
On every fallen
Soldier's grave--
Symbol of what
Each died to save.
And we who see
And still have breath--
Are we no wiser
For their death?

~Dorothy Brown Thompson~

Bawk, BAWK

Why did the chicken cross the road?
(I can only take credit for passing this one along - enjoy!)

*_BARACK OBAMA:_*
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

*_JOHN MC CAIN:_*
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road!

*_HILLARY CLINTON:_*
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure --
right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.......

*_DR. PHIL:_*
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

*_OPRAH:_*
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

*_GEORGE W. BUSH:_*
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken
is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

*_COLIN POWELL_*:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road...

*_ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:_*
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

*_JOHN KERRY:_*
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

*_NANCY GRACE:_*
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

*_PAT BUCHANAN_*:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

*_MARTHA STEWART:_*
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

*_DR SEUSS_*:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

*_ERNEST HEMINGWAY:_*
To die in the rain. Alone.

*_JERRY FALWELL:_*
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain
and as simple as that.

*_GRANDPA:_ *
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

*_BARBARA WALTERS:_*
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

*_ARISTOTLE:_*
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

*_JOHN LENNON:_*
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.

*_BILL GATES:_*
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

*_ALBERT EINSTEIN:_*
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

*_BILL CLINTON:_*
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

*_AL GORE_*
I invented the chicken!

*_COLONEL SANDERS_*:
Did I miss one?

*_DICK CHENEY:_*
Where's my gun!

Knowledge is Power, Not in this Case

I am extremely happy to report that my Father did very well and is now at home.

He is in his early eighties, a physician and this was his first (and last we hope) major surgery in his lifetime. I won’t go into all the sordid details of the surgery but I will tell you he was released with 50 staples holding his mid to lower back together. I can also share that every person from orderly, food service personnel, nurses’ aides/ assistance, nurses, physical and occupational therapists, physicians’ assistants, nurse practitioners and his Surgeon treated him like royalty. We spent the better part of a week at Washington Hospital Center. As a person who also works in the health care community, I can report that I noticed most everyone that works there seems quite content with their job. Not an easy feat in any work environment. Now some might argue that my Father received preferential treatment since Brain Surgeon works there however there were countless personnel who had no idea who he was other than another patient in the facility. Hats off to the staff at WHC, my Father’s experience was a good one.

It is widely known that medical people make the worst patients. In my Father’s case, he was waiting for every negative outcome to occur instead of focusing on the positives. Considering all the possible post operative negatives that could have transpired, he was only subjected to a few. The main obstacle was his projectile vomiting episode late into the night following his surgery. Unfortunately for her, this took place on Brain Surgeons watch. She took the first night of bedside care of my Father. She had to work the next day she figured that would make the best sense. Needless to say, she got zero sleep that night and had to go to pull her normal 13 hour shift the next day.

My Father refused to use his narcotic delivery pump for fear that he would be hooked on morphine. Several times during my shifts with him I seriously gave thought to figuring out how to hook that pump into my arm. (I kid! Well, I did have the recurring thoughts...)During his immediate pre-op interview, he was asked what his allergies were? My Father listed them in the following order: lard, MSG, penicillin and sulfa drugs. I am very sure there was not going to be any sprinkling of MSG into the incision nor lard used to flush out an IV line. I guess he wanted cover all his bases. Even in his post-op haze, he was able to explain to anyone within an earshot of the evils of MSG and how any item in the clear liquid post-op diet included the dreaded ingredient. That on top of the projectile vomiting kept him from ingesting anything by mouth besides tea.

All that aside, he was up and walking around as was ordered and things are going very well. He is at home recuperating and so far his biggest complaints are constipation and incontinence. Both should calm down as the anesthesia metabolizes out of his body. My Mother is having more than a bit of anxiety as she is no longer the center of attention, but they will have to work that out. I love my Mother but we have created a monster. (Another post for another time.)

Thank you all for the well wishes, thoughts, prayers and e-mails. I know each and every one of them helped all of us.

I need to ask you all a huge favor.

My Father is going in for major surgery tomorrow and I need all the good thoughts the Interwebs can spare. The sisters Wicked will be on full time care for the next week. Maternal Countessa will be with our Mom and Brain Surgeon and I will be with Dad. I have taken leave from work for as long as needed and BS will be pulling double duty as the surgery will take place in her hospital and while she is not on duty she will at Dad’s bedside along with me.

Don’t forget to call your Mom’s today or remember them as the case may be.

You all try to be good while I am away, if you cannot be good at least make me proud!

Dear Springtime Cyclist:

Dude! Listen, I am all for everyone embracing the fabulous weather and exercising. Truly, kudos to you.

However, some things are better left to the imagination. Seriously, green mylar micro-mini shorts with birken stocks is not appropriate in any situation let alone outdoor cycling. Believe me when I tell you that more clothes are needed when exposing your self to the ultra violet waves and the public for the first time.

Are you familiar with the term snowblind? Yes, that much glare is not healthy for you or the general public. Cover up, wear suitable shoes for biking and please, don’t forget your helmet.

Hugs and Kisses

Nip Tuck, Part Deux

If you’ve been here a while, you are familiar with my very limited ability with technology. A web designer I am not. Trust me when I tell you that besides having the ability to throw posts and the occasional picture on this site, hyperlinks still intimidate me. When I received an offer for a re-design, I jumped at the chance.

Friends, I’d like to share with you my new design. A little blog botox here some color enhancement there and we now have a beautiful look. Kudos to my Web Mistress Lissa. She is a very talented writer and photographer. She is thinking of doing web design as a part time gig. If she needs a reference, she will certainly receive a glowing one from me.

All Good Dogs Go to Heaven

Still missing you terribly even after 2 years.

Nope not ready to move on. We will see each other again, one day.....

Sniff.

Discriminating Debate

Over the weekend we had a belated birthday cookout for my Parents. Yes, I meant both parents. They were born on the same day, month and year; my Mom is a few hours older than my Dad. Soul mates for sure.

While enjoying our dinner the topic turned to American Idol. I have admitted on this site that the show has lost my interest but I do still DVR it and fast forward through most of it. I am familiar with the contestants and do not really have an allegiance to any one in particular.

Both my B-I-Ls made a rather odd statement about the show this year that I thought I’d share here. B-I-L 2 stated that he was glad Carly was gone because she wasn’t American. B-I-L 1 stated that he felt the exact same way when the Australian contestant was eliminated. I was a little shocked by both their statements as every one of us around the table have an ethnic heritage.

Wicked: (question to B-I-L 1) Just where exactly are you from?

BIL 1: Millersville!

Wicked: Try again.

BIL 1: Oh, okay...PA.

Wicked: Your roots are?

BIL 1: Italian.

BIL 2: I know what you mean, every single contestant is from some where else. Couldn’t they find Americans?

Wicked: Um guys, unless Simon Cowell goes up to the Native American Reservations and searches for contestants from there, the show is representative of America. The melting pot. The reason your ancestors and my parents came to this country. Land of opportunity, etc.

I have never cleared a room so fast in my life. I will have to use this tool again, soon.

Fashionably Late, as Usual

In honor of Earth Day/Week, I have adopted a new pet. Rather, the pet has adopted my abode.

Now I will have you know that the old Wicked’s instinct would have been to swat at the critter and scream like a girl. Possibly breaking a hip while hurling myself down the front steps. I’ll have you know that the new, improved Wicked has become more nature friendly.

Behold, the beauty that has taken residence on my porch light.


Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to name that moth.

Ready. Go!

Sign of the Times

It doesn't matter to me who you'll vote for; it matters more that you snorted out loud.

Happy weekend kids!

Dear Neighbor:

Let me preface this by letting you know I am an avid dog lover. LOVE. DOGS.

However, the incessant barking and annoying whelping of your two chows are absolutely killing me. We do not know each other well enough for me to give you advice personally on how to give your dogs the attention they are obviously craving. Therefor I am going to let you know here. Otherwise, I am going to lose my mind.

Look lady. The postage stamp size fenced in back yard of yours is most definitely not enough for them to exercise. I’ve seen them on leashes when you transport them to and from your vehicle, they seem to enjoy the leash. How about taking them for at least one daily stroll. Seriously, our neighborhood is extremely dog friendly. At any given moment, there are at least five dogs out strolling with their owners. Guess what? You never hear any of the exercised dogs constantly barking and whelping while out in their respective decks/yards. Why? Because they know their surroundings first hand and they are simply enjoying the fresh air.

Luckily, I leave for work everyday right around the time both of your furry ones are pleading to be let back into the house. The first time I heard the gut wrenching yelping, I ran out onto my deck at O Dark Thirty because I was sure someone was mutilating one or both. All they want is to be let back in for some attention indoors. Hearing the yelping noise in stereo is not only unsettling but down right uncourteous to the rest of the neighborhood.

I am begging you to show your pups some love. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that they simply do not enjoy spending more than twenty minutes on your deck. They want in. Try the walks. It couldn’t hurt.

Don’t make me have to call Cesar the Whisperer

Swamped

Many things going on sending me into funk-o-mania.

Please send new cocktail recipes.

Hugs & Kisses

Wicked

Snorty and Hacky

Words used to describe the vibe of Grand Parents Day at Lil Wicked’s school.

She comes by it honestly. I have reached the pinnacle of Auntie pride.

God, I love that kid!

Carbon Dating

Netflix enabled me to take a very nostalgic trip down memory lane this weekend. It was the perfect antidote for what ailed me. We lost a very dear friend of the family this week and I needed some sort of distraction.

I just finished a semi marathon viewing of one of my favorite police dramas. The show was The Mod Squad and “Pete Cochran” was my first ever TV crush. Comparing today’s police dramas to the Squad is very painful. Primitive police work of the late sixties, early seventies; forensics weren’t even invented.



If you have some time to waste, find one of your old favorites and watch them. Try to remember what endeared you to the show in the first place. Good ole Pete with his ascots and bell bottoms was the right dose of quirk I needed.

Do you remember your first TV crush? I’d love to hear all about it.

Note to Self

If I make the calculated error of attending next year’s Easter Brunch at my Parent’s neighborhood Country Club, remember to keep comments regarding the mangy Easter bunny costume to a low whisper.

Apparently, the Country Club President was in ear shot.

In my defense, the Bunny did look like he was suffering from the Mange. I suggest the Prez invest in a new bunny costume next year. My niece walked away with a clump of fur along with every other child who participated in the obligatory photo op.

People, I cannot make this stuff up.

Installing a Husband

(I am single, however this had me snorting out loud - Enjoy!)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.

Randomness Tag

I have been tagged by QDB to list six random items about myself. Since I have a bit of free time on my hands this week, I decided to play along.

1. My days of being everyone’s nurturer/caretaker are gone. My Mom told me a long time ago that I need to learn to be a little selfish. It’s against my nature, so along with many other sage pieces of advice passed onto me from Mom I simply dismissed the idea. A few events happened over a course of a few years and finally my eyes opened. I have eliminated the counterproductive drama from my life. Although I don’t believe myself to be narcissistic, I try to think of my needs first and all else second. It has taken more than a few years to understand and trust this new way of thinking but I am a better person for it.

2. I may be one of a very few females who dislikes shopping. Let me clarify, I dislike shopping in stores. I love the ease and comfort of pointing and clicking my way to bargains and treasures online. The thought of spending my cherished free (non-working) time fighting someone over a parking space or playing bumper carts in a grocery store, sucks the life right out of me. Those of you, which includes both my sisters and Mom, who find solace in shopping, kudos to you. I simply do not find anything relaxing about the whole ordeal.

3. I am an avid dog lover. However, the loss of my golden retriever is still so very painful that I don’t think I will ever get another dog. Dexter and I had 13 wonderful years together but I will never forget the pain I felt the day I had to take him to be put down. I know many of us have had terrific pets/furry children in our lives but he can never be replaced. Also I don’t think I have the emotional strength to ever have to go through losing a pet in that way again. Maybe I am a coward.

4. I don’t have any children of my own but I am thoroughly enjoying being the best Aunt I can be. It amazes me that my two nieces who are the brightest lights in my life have inherited some of my traits. Look at these faces, how can you do anything but smile and fall in love? They are cousins to each other but can pass for sisters.


5. My friend Pet Whisperer and I are on a quest to find the perfect chocolate martini in the Metro DC area. Seriously, no joke. We have compiled all our research into a spread sheet. So far the best one served to us was consumed in an out of the way German restaurant in East Jesus Virginia, who knew? Our typical analysis involves a non traditional martini before our meal, wine with the meal and a chocolate martini for dessert. Do not drink and drive folks, always have a designated driver.

6. Laughter is the best medicine on the planet. I make sure I enjoy a hearty belly laugh at least once a day, more like once an hour. I am known as the spirit lifter at work. I am frequently called upon to make someone laugh. Laughter comes easier when you learn how not to sweat the small stuff.

I am not going to tag anyone specifically but if you’d like to partake, feel free.

Bi-Annual Respite

Forgive me Interwebs for it has been more than a couple of weeks since I have blogged.

You see although work has been the best it ever has, the load was dragging me down. Trust me when I tell you that this is not a whine, simply a description. It has taken 4 months to stabilize the new administration along with it’s support forces. The timing could not be better as my vacation has rolled around. I am ecstatic to report that I will be on another of my no itinerary vacays for the next week. After which I predict things around here will return back to normal or abnormal as the case may be.

I am counting on all of you to behave yourselves; you know who you are. I have my peeps around to make sure that there is no excessive fun being had without my involvement.

Capiche?

Perhaps It’s Just Me

I am sitting here trying to enjoy American Idol now that I am allegedly viewing the most talented bunch in the history of the show.

Eh, not so much. I am not feeling it. At. All.

May I have the envelope please? AI has officially jumped the shark as far as I am concerned.

Thoughts, concerns? Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

Yawn.

Worth the Price of Admission

Since I haven’t seen a single movie up for Oscar nomination, I prefer to watch the red carpet coverage on E!

I just watched Gary Busey completely ruin the interview between Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Garner. I hope they show a clip on You Tube. In short, Gary pretty much accosted Ms. Garner’s neck in mid interview. She had no idea who Gary Busey was, she was pretty traumatized. I am not sure who was more terrorized, Jennifer or Ryan.

My recommendation to Mr. Busey is to drop by one of many rehab centers available to him. If you cannot time your drugs perfectly, it is definitely time to check into rehab.

I notice that my martini glass is empty, I am dashing off for a refill.

If you are going to watch the Oscars, enjoy!

Anatomy of an Idiot

Seriously, this could not have worked out better if I had a hand in it myself. Sadly, I can take no credit. It does make me mindful of something my Grand Mother used to say “dream big in case it comes true!”

Truth be told, I had completely gotten over the inconsequential gnat. I am a mature woman who honestly has been through every bizarre mind trip a work place can throw at you. So this twit stopped being a blip on my radar a good 2 months ago. Sure, her grandiosely immature ways bugged the living poop right out of me in the beginning. However, once I realized her existence was the destruction of my otherwise serene workplace, I simply put my good coping skills in gear and poof, she mattered not.

Watching her wield her moronic scenarios became rather entertaining. Puppetry of the Pinhead, would have made great theater. Actually I was a bit dejected watching others fall all over themselves to make her demands come true. Maybe dejected is the wrong word, cynical might be better.

In any case, in the end the white hats win and all is much better in the workplace. One would have to take the understated hint when confronted with the absolute demonstration of glee from two otherwise very controlled professionals. If I am not mistaken, there was a slight glint when I was told the replacement would begin Monday.

Good riddance, don’t let your navi fail you on the way out of town.

Smelly Turns One!

What is the perfect present for a one year old?



Tissue paper!!!

Everyone, join me in wishing my niece a very happy birthday and all the tissue paper she can destroy.

“Who’s on First,” the 2008 Version

(Listen, if anyone knows who the original author is buy him/her a beer and put it on my tab)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

Robots: Rosie Versus the Roomba

This past Christmas, all my Mother wanted was a Roomba a robotic vacuum cleaner. You have to keep in mind that my Mom is neither a spring chicken nor computer savvy. Ditto for my Dad.

So we did what all good children do, we pooled our dollars and purchased the Roomba. While my Mom was quite pleased, the rest of us were quietly grumbling. It is very difficult to teach your parents how to master new gadgets, triple hard if said contraptions are computerized.

A couple weekends ago I was visiting the family and was called upon to teach Mom how to use the Roomba. Unfortunately, she waited until a couple of hours before I was to head back home so all I could really do was insert the battery and set it up to be charged for sixteen hours. I was able to go over the instructions with her. When I read to her that the Roomba would take 45 minutes to vacuum one room, she was not pleased. She thought that the Roomba was going to rival good ole Rosie from the Jetsons.


She assumed that the Roomba would go back and forth in a room a few times and bing, bang boom the room would be dust free. When I explained to my parental units that the Roomba would need to detect dirt and dust and oh by the way they would definitely have to clear the piles of stuff on every square inch of the floors for the thing to be effective, they all but kicked me out of the house.

It was right about then that I remembered why I live an hour and a half away. Sometimes my brilliance amazes even me.

The following Monday, my Mom called me at work with a lilt in her tone. I asked her what was up and she could not stop talking about her new friend Roomba. It appears that my BIL went over after it was charged and he spent a few hours making sure she and my Dad learned the ins and outs of the Roomba.

Miraculously, the machine was able to clean like a charm albeit slowly. But you know what? The parental units are rather slow by now too, so it all works out in the wash. (Pun entirely intended) So the Sisters Wicked scored big time with this year’s gift and Mom AND Dad are happy. Trust me. This is very difficult to achieve.

The Roomba has saved the day. She invites her friends over in small groups to demonstrate the thing and aks why their children are not as generous. (“P” if you are reading this, I apologize in advance!)

Behold, my new favorite family member:

Roomba. Although my Mom has given it a human name, as long as she is happy and neither of them breaks a hip tripping over it.

Last I checked, my Dad was trying it out as an electric coaster. I had to remind him that it is a computer that probably should not try to balance drinks on top of it.

A Dose of Culture

Heading out to the Kennedy Center for Performing Arts for our yearly dose of refinement.

Last year the Sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked were embarrassingly shushed by an octogenarian with a newly installed hearing aide battery. We honestly were not that loud. We quietly were trying to explain the complicated plot twist of the ballet Othello to Lil Wicked. The gentleman in front of us was not so understanding.

Today we have the privilege of seeing the Kirov Ballet perform. This time around I have sent a synopsis of the ballet to each of the attendees so that we may keep our whispering to a strict minimum.

Wish us luck or have bail money ready. You never really know once we are all unleashed in public together.

MLK Day

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” MLK

I want you to consider this the next time you think about not speaking out on an issue that comes to your attention. Those of you with the day off, at least take a moment to remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In Honor fo Blonde Follicles

(Listen, I’ve got nothing. However, this one made me snort out loud - enjoy!)

A fellow wanted his porch painted so he got several bids. The lowest bid came from a blonde. Her bid was so much less than the other bids but the man was reluctant to give her the job. But after his wife gave him a hard time about being sexist, he decided to have the blonde paint his porch.

When she arrived the next morning he said “There might not be enough paint to paint the entire porch, so if you run low, just let me know and I’ll go to the paint store to buy more.”

A few hours later the blonde rang his doorbell and said “I just wanted to let you know that I’m finished with the job and there was plenty of paint left over. By the way, just in case you didn’t know, that’s a Lexus not a Porsche.

Intractable Times

Friends, how are you doing with those resolutions? Hmmm? Me neither.

After about twenty minutes into my first new year shift, they were all blown to H-E double hockey sticks! (Aha! I kept that one, score.)

Not sure what is going on with the weather but I can tell you that I am enjoying the short clad Fed Ex deliveries. Am I right ladies? It was seventy something degrees today, January 8, Metro DC.

WT H-E double hockey sticks?

Global warming or Mama Nature going through The Change? I vote menopause.

Thoughts?

New Year’s Poll

God (and HR Departments) gave us sick days.

Why oh why do those that are infectious show up at work and infect the rest of us??????

Discuss.