Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Breast Nazis

Smelly’s mom, now re-named Maternal Countessa, and is having a difficult time with the whole breast feeding issue. Having never been pregnant, I can only offer moral support. I have nothing to draw on other than having a bit of knowledge and having been around many friends who have gone through the same exact issues after delivering their children.

I do know that no matter how much knowledge the lactation specialists can deliver, each mother and child have to come up with the best system for themselves. As a new mother, Maternal Countessa is of course trying every method offered to her as well as listening to her friends who have breast fed before her. She asked her Ob/GYN about it as well. He had a very good take on the situation regarding the pressure Maternal Countessa is feeling. He told her that the lactation specialists seem to think of the world as one big breast. Indeed, that is a very good analogy.

On a recent phone conversation Maternal Countessa and I had the following exchange:

Wicked: How’s life with Smelly? Getting used to everything?

Maternal Countessa: This whole breast feeding thing, it’s just not going well. Plus they keep calling to tell me how I am doing it wrong.

Wicked: Who is calling?

MC: The lactation specialists. They are making me feel guilty.

Wicked: They feel it is their mission to make sure every new mom follows their instructions to the letter. Life doesn’t work that way. You and Smelly will come up with a system that works well for you.

MC: (Sigh) I am doing the best I can.

Wicked: Of course you are, Smelly is growing the pediatrician is not unhappy with her progress.

MC: True. I just don’t want to talk to them anymore.

Wicked: Then don’t, screen the call. If you need their help you know how to contact them. The Breast Nazis can just back off.

MC: Snort!


t2ed said...

There are people who actually call themselves "Lactation Specialists?"

Seriously, you're making that up.

It's just a big fat guy in a flannel shirt who had a crazy/genius idea to get to see mamma mammaries, right?

wallofdenial said...

Please be sure to forward all info refering to breast feeding to my e-mail account. So that I might pass said info on to my wife.


Wicked H said...

t2ed: I wish I was that creative, they do indeed exist. They are quite the organized group. Although I do understand that there chief consultant is a fat guy named Larry and he does wear a flannel shirt. Brilliance on a stick!

Dave: Done!

Miss Britt said...

Tell her to tell them she won a lifetime supply from Similac. Nothing pisses off the LS's worse than *gasp* FORUMULA!!!!!!!!!!

And then tell her she'll be fine. Motherhood lesson numero uno - just do the best you can, it's good enough.

sophie said...

Not a veteran of this battle either, but it sounds like you are giving her the support she needs. As long as Smelly is healthy, the details will fall into place.

The CEO said...

It dawned on me, that the Breast Nazi were trying to teach a skill that ought to be portable. Ask the MC is ask ole Larry if his wife is satisfied with his skills with herbepgj clitoris. Now, we have a program he can really take on the road, and maybe get some applause with.

Wicked H said...

Brittski: I will pass your sage advice along, thanks.

Sophie: I try. Smelly is doing well.

CEO: I think you have a good idea here, I will continue the research.

The CEO said...

I can see I need to try typing these things before I start drinking heavily. There's always tomorrow, if you post.

I grew up on formulae, and we didn't have experts then either. Probably a good thing, too.

Wicked H said...

CEO: Oh please, I understood exactly what you meant. When utilizing imbibophonics, typing clearly is absolutely optional. If you cannot feel at home here, then I have failed miserably. Perhaps we also have an additional bond due to the fact that I too am a formula fed human. I am guilty of making my mother feel guilty every chance I get, but that is just how I roll.

Amy said...

I breastfed the girls but had a terrible time breastfeeding Ethan, the oldest.

Tell her to relax and blow those idiots off. You are so right, mom and baby have to figure out their own system. The only people I know of that had a tough time were the ones who had way too much pressure put on them instead of assuming the in charge mom role and just doing it. That's what happened with Ethan and I.

To be perfectly honest, I basically winged it with both girls and while I view it as successful (breastfed both for over a year) - we didn't do anything "by the book."

She needs to tell the breast nazis to screw off.

Ada said...

I undersand were MC is coming from. When i had my 2nd child the lactation specialist came to my room and I told her in no uncertain terms that I had successfully breastfed my oldest for 2-years, my daughter wasn't loosing alarming weight, thank you very much.
Tell MC to hang in there, she must be doing something right since her little one is thriving.

the ceo said...

I always knew you were more than just a talented mixologist, and now you've confirmed it, again. Cheers!