Thursday, January 11, 2007

Amalgamated

I am having one horrific day. So bad that whining about it is not even going to help me; those of you that know me personally will find that earth shattering.

In any case, I am counting the minutes down to the end of the day because trying to imagine the hours is painful.

Someone, tell me something amusing. I beg of you!

9 comments:

Kristi said...

How about a joke? It made me giggle...

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Wicked H said...

Thanks Kristi!! I needed the giggle!

EC said...

Maybe you'll find this amusing - I know I did!

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

HotForSimon said...

Oh no, what happened?

Were you overwhelmed??

(((ducks flying objects)))

Wicked H said...

EC: Hysterical, I am on my way to find a beverage. Will report back!

HFS: BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Had nothing to do with she who is permanently overwhelmed)

Anonymous said...

Hope you're feeling better by now. Tomorrow's Friday. That's good, right?

Anonymous said...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Hope you have a better Friday!

Anonymous said...

Take a nap, and plan a trip to Aruba, and plenty of martinis! Before 10 am, but who's counting?

Wicked H said...

Robin: It's all good. Once I left work, life got much better. TGIF.

Stinkypaw: LOL! Thanks and TGIF to you as well.

CEO: All excellent suggestions. Thanks!