Back to Reality

Vacation time is over and I am back. My first priority was to calculate the number of days until my next vacation; 45. I can do it, yes I can! If I forget that fact, you all need to remind me.

I am counting on all of you, no pressure!

Living like the McMansioned was quite fun but I am more than content to be in my own abode. I am busy trying to find the top of my desk at work; it keeps me out of trouble. Not really but it sounded good, right? I am not sure how life would be if I was not in some sort of trouble while on someone else’s time. I find it invigorating. Part of my charm, take it or leave it.

I am going through hot tub withdrawal so I am off to mix another martini and chill on the deck. Cheers, kids.

What Happens at the McMansion Stays at the McMansion

I am happy to report that my vacation is going exactly the way it was planned; no itineraries go with the flow. Most excellent, you all should try this at least once.

I am just returning from cocktails and dinner with a couple of the Bunco Babes. You just cannot go wrong with martinis and seafood. Besides the waiter accidentally dumping coffee cream into one of our purses, the night was perfect.

As my title suggests, there are events transpiring that I cannot speak of; certain things are simply taboo. If you know me at all, I will spill the beans at some point. No worries.

Okay kids, the hot tub is all filled and waiting for me. Behave yourselves or at least give it the ole college try…

How Can You Miss Me If I Won't Go Away?

V is for vanishing act.
A is for abandoning the daily grind.
C is for cancelling all calls, e-mails, reports and faxes.
A is for absent, with leave.
T is for traipsing and lots of it.
I is for intermission, will a week suffice?
O is for Orange Oasis, Orangico Royal, Old Etonian you understand?
N is for navigation, the leisurely kind.

That is right kids, it’s time for me to get out of dodge. Long overdue if I must say. I have no concrete plans which is my best kind of Holiday.

I am entrusting the Interwebs to all of you. Don’t be surprised if you hear from me here and there. Don’t count on it; it’s not a vacation if I have to meet any type of schedule.

See you soon.

Curb the Damn Enthusiasm

I am trying to like the new show "The Singing Bee." However I have a few bones to pick with the concept.

The first of which being the amount of jubilation exhibited by the contestants; my suggestion would be for all of them to be dosed with ADD meds before the cameras start rolling. Seriously, you've made it on the show, concentrate and get the songs right. We honestly don't need that much exaltation. Have some dignity.

While we are speaking of dignity, why do we need the "fly girls" gyrating in the back ground and on the way to each commercial break? Their actual title is the honey bees or some such nonsense. This goes back to my not liking errant dancing while anyone is on stage. We have plenty to focus on with this show, enough with the dancing.

It is a good show if you can get past the aforementioned distractions. If you've seen it, let me know what you think? If you haven't yet and you are up on most song lyrics, you'll enjoy this show.

Mimosas for Everyone!

Many of you were quite concerned with my parental units' recent escapade.

I am so very happy to report that the crisis has been averted and that they are now back in possession of both passports and tickets. Trying to explain to them that the receipt for the ticket is the actual ticket and that once they make it to the airport, a piece of paper resembling a ticket will be produced took more than 20 minutes.

And you all wonder why I drink so much; now you know.

Summer Time and Blogging is Not So Easy

Between the crazy pace at work and the oppressive heat, I’ve got nothing.

Blogstipation, if you will. I will work on finding some bloggish fiber and get back with the program.

Until then, let me know what’s happening with all of you

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

It seems like only yesterday that I was driving up north from NC to Metro DC through the worst thunder storm trying to get to the hospital in time to meet my niece and make sure that my sister was going to be alright. Brain Surgeon was having a difficult birth and even though she was throwing her BS weight around in the hospital she worked in, she lost the fight and they wheeled her in for a cesarian section. She wanted a normal delivery. Sous Chef Mermaid was born on this day twelve years ago.

What happened to the days where making goofy faces would elicit a toothless grin? Where is the little girl who on her first birthday refused to touch the cake because both her parents were anal about messes? Grand Ma just took the little one’s hand and plunged it into the cake. I had never seen a panicked look on a one year old’s face before that moment. Where is the little one who would crunch through the leaves with her Aunt Wicked stopping every 10 steps to observe one thing or another? I can’t tell you how many times I would watch the VHS video of her running back and forth in their first house babbling something incoherent over and over into the camera. The best video was the one they sent me while she was opening up the mammoth Elmo blanket a gift from me; the look on her face was unforgettable.

Sous Chef Mermaid has blossomed into quite a dazzling young lady. I am so impressed with her and proud of the person she has become. The kid has more stamps on her passport than most adults. She and I spend quality time by watching the Project Runway Marathon on New Year’s Eve. She recently tried to teach me to catch up with the technological scene and introduced me to Wii. Of course I failed miserably but we had the best time. It’s cool to see how she has grabbed certain traits from each of us. She has a good mix from all the genes available in her pool.



The best complement to me was that she recently started blogging and she chose Lil Wicked as her moniker. Now if that doesn’t tug at your heart strings, then you are dead inside.

Happy Birthday Lil Wicked!! I didn’t know that my love for you could get any stronger but is does with each passing day.

Now you all go and wish her a Happy Birthday while I go and compose myself. I have a party to get to and I am all verklempt!!!

Octogeneric Long Distance Comedy

My Parents remain in the homeland. They are having a good time. Although I have noticed that they are more homesick this time than usual. It very well may have to do with them missing Sous Chef Mermaid and Smelly, their newest Grand daughter. The last two phone calls involved many mentions of how much they miss all of us. On previous jaunts, they never really vocalized that fact as much.

On the 4th of July I phoned my Parents to see how they were doing. They have been together for more than 50 years and I honestly believe it is due to the fact that they can bicker constantly and then forge ahead as well as enjoy quality time apart. I found out that my Dad was off on a beach trip while my Mom remained at the home front with her siblings. This is a little snippet of our conversation:

Mom: How is everyone there doing? Are you keeping in touch with your sisters?

Wicked: Yes Mom, everyone is fine.

Mom: How is Smelly? Have you seen Smelly?

Wicked: Mom she is growing like the wind, although she is only five months old. She really still only eats, sleeps and poops. You haven’t missed much, trust me.

Mom: Your Father is mad at me.

Wicked: What now?

Mom: He thinks I lost our return tickets and passports.

Wicked: Really? He left them in your care? He is usually too anal about stuff like that.

Mom: He swears that he gave them all to me and now they are missing. Of course, he has his passport.

Wicked: I am relatively sure he did not give them to you, he is a control freak after all.

Mom: I know, I agree. You need to help us find them.

Wicked: Mom, you and I are on separate continents right now. I can only suggest places he may have hidden them. Check all the zippered compartments of the suit cases, the far recesses of any and all drawers, etc.

Mom: Eh! It’s his problem. If he lost my passport, then I guess I will stay here with my brothers and sisters.

Wicked: Okay, you know what is best. I guess we will have to just show Smelly pictures of you...

Mom: Fine! I need to get off the phone and start searching. Bye....Love you!

As I was going to work today, I noticed I had a message on my cell phone. Being the low-tech gal that I am, once I enter the sanctuary of my home, I don’t carry my cell around with me in the house. I still am of the I need a land line school of thought.

The message was from my Father. He was telling me that he was at a beach with friends and that my Mother has lost her passport and both of their return tickets. He requested that I help her retrieve the items. I just shook my head as I giggled. Remember I am on an entirely different continent and can only offer support by phone.

It is of note that my younger sister, Maternal Countessa - Smelly’s Mom, also got a call today from our Dad. He told her the same story. She, not being too supportive, asked him what exactly he thought she could do for them? Shocker that he hung up on her.

You have to love the long distance hijinks that my Parents can generate. Maternal Countessa told me that Mom could simply go to the nearest American Embassy and get a new passport lickety split. I reminded her that in this post 9/11 world, there will be no re-issuing of passports lickety or splitting. Shocker that she hung up on me too.

I need a drink.

Stay tuned to find out if our Parents are able to return together or not.

Make that drink a double!!

Cheers.

Happy Birthday America!!!

However you celebrate, please do it safely.

I will be back at work on Thursday. Those of you lucky enough to have the rest of the week off, enjoy!

To Our Troops: We thank you, love and support you and hope that all of you are coming home soon.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Concert for Diana

As I sit here watching the Concert in Honor of Diana, I come away with a huge obstacle. Why do today’s popular artists need back up dancers? I just don’t get it. Personally I could care less who is up there gyrating along with the music. Just give me the singer, his/her music, the band and let me enjoy. Who needs this much extra stimulation? Not me. For the record, it is very distracting.

Perhaps it is a generational thing. So I am a dinosaur, I am okay with that. You don’t see a bunch of people wriggling about while Elton or Rod Stewart are out there doing their thing.

Hope you all are enjoying the concert.

I Frenzy? No Thanks!

I don’t get it. I’ll admit to being technologically challenged. I don’t understand why all you techies want to go out and make a substantial purchase when you know it will have major glitches and the like? Is it so you can be one of the first? One of the first who will undoubtedly complain of it’s short comings.

First generation anything is flawed. Even my non-tech self knows that.

Those of you who have one, enjoy!

Whatever. I’ll be on the deck enjoying the weather and more than a few martinis.

Have a great weekend!!

Life is a Beach!!

Little Smelly has learned quickly that if you want to hang with the
Wicked Family, you must learn the rules of the Beach.

1) Relaxation; she takes it one step further with this cool infant
tent deal.
2) Proper attire; check!
3) Liquor; although she is only able to consume 2 beers during each
outing, she is on the right track.

We wait until age 4 when she will have a good grasp on her sippy cup until we introduce her to margaritas!

Inaugural Summer Solstice Celebration

I honestly cannot think of a better way to ring in the summer other than enjoying a gourmet picnic dinner complete with wine on a perfectly breezy, non-oppressively hot night with a few thousand other Harry Connick, Jr fans. Last night Brain Surgeon and I attended the concert at one of my all time favorite venues, Wolf Trap™.

I am way past the point of being able to enjoy a concert on the lawn. However, we always have our picnic on the lawn and then go find our seats in the pavilion and have a good time. Of course no outing is complete without humorous observations of the gathering public, here are the highlights:

Red Wagon Lady: We were standing in the short line to retrieve our pre-paid picnic dinner and along comes this woman with a little red wagon. She was asked what she was going to do with the wagon and she reported that she was there to pick up 100 dinners. Why she felt that she was privileged enough to go to the head of the line to gather her dinners, is beyond me. However it was more than amusing to watch her try to juggle all those meals. It did not go well for her. She very well may still be trying to figure out the logistics this many hours later.

Family Unit Next to Us: We made our little camp on a hillside under a tree and proceeded to take in the surroundings. A young family set up next to us, a husband and wife, their 4 year old son and infant child. This may have been their first outing since the infant was born and they were rather unorganized. They had their food, wine and picnic materials but they left their corkscrew and knife needed to slice up their cheese in the car. Why do I know this? The Father was explaining that to his son while the Mother was tending to the infant. Wicked Sisters to the rescue; I quietly handed him our corkscrew and knife. Crisis averted.

Turquoise Cowgirl: In front of us we had a group of twenty-somethings. They were clearly Wolf Trap™ regulars. We could tell due to the organization of their food items. The Cowgirl brought one of those collapsible camping chairs; a good idea although we were on a rather steep decline. I can tell you that I was more than a bit disappointed that I was unable to watch the chair collapse as soon as she tried to sit on it.

Once we were done dining, we packed up our camp and headed for our seats. The deluge began right at that moment. Again, the seasoned attendees were prepared. All other were SOL. The concert itself was fantastic. A very mixed crowd of people, they all enjoyed themselves.

We decided that each summer solstice needs to be celebrated accordingly. Hope you all made a special time of it. Have a great weekend!

Hind Site, Always 20/20

Note to self. Next time there is a co-workers send off to take place at a Japanese Steak House on the hottest day of the year, bring some type of ice pack to keep yourself cool. I found out the hard way that menopausal women and open air hibachis do not mix.

Besides that, I am glad we gathered for our now big deal Radiology Tech. I got to know him very well over the course of the past five years. We really formed a tight bond when we were stuck in my office for a whole weekend putting together office furniture which came in at least 800 pieces. Fun times, eh “P?”

Even during times when he did not know he was going to make it through Radiology Tech School, the rest of us had no doubts he would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will most certainly miss his razor sharp humor and his limitless kindness.

Good luck “P.” If I ever break my hip, I will get my pelvis right down to Texas and have you take the pictures.

The Silent Wolf Whistle

Today our usual group went out to lunch. I really enjoy this bunch of women; we have a variety of ages and backgrounds. Never a dull moment with these gals; we are generally snorting our food from all the laughter.

As we were leaving our favorite establishment, we noticed that not only were we the only group of women present we also were drawing all the attention from the rest of the patrons. I mean when they all stopped chewing to watch us leave, we must have been a site for sore eyes.

Sometimes the silent wolf whistle is really good for a girl’s ego.

Dear Mary Kay Master's Class Makeup Artist:

It has indeed been educational watching you park parallel in front of my office window each morning at 7:40 AM.

After witnessing your primping ritual, I thank the heavens for remaining a low maintenance woman. Seriously Lady, eight layers of makeup is overkill. I am impressed with your unwavering concentration; however. You seem oblivious to our patient’s glaring and sometimes honking at you. You may not have noticed that the parking spaces are drawn to be pulled into. Your placement is wiping out at least four prime parking slots. Our patient’s don’t feel well; they don’t want to walk the extra steps just so you can look impeccable.

I am also so very intrigued by the fact that once you are done, you put your car back into gear and drive across the street and park in front of your workplace. I am guessing that the powers that be at your job would frown on this behavior.

In any case, if I ever need to apply 8 layers of makeup, I now know exactly what to do. I will tap on your window and ask that you give me a make over.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked

Only in Baltimore

I doubt pretty highly that any other city could host such an event. Having been born in Baltimore, I am proud(?) to admit that I totally understand why this gathering happens. I have added it to my “ to do” list. If I had only known it was happening this weekend.

I really need to be more organized. Instead I will enjoy my extreme bonding time with my favorite niece and her furry brother. We will also find time to include the newest addition to the brood. Must start the infant set at an early age.

I leave you with the DicsHONary. Study up because there will be a quiz.

Enjoy your weekend!!

The Wisdom of Steven Wright

“They tell you practice makes perfect. Then they tell you no one is perfect. So, I stopped practicing.”

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

If you have favorite quotes from him, let me hear them. If you have tickets to see him Friday night at the Warner Theatre, perhaps I’ll see you there.

Ride the Painted Pony, Make the Spinning Wheel Spin

The Tournament Parade is still in progress. I can say that under normal circumstances life would be more difficult. Since I tend to stray from anything normal, it is only slightly amusing to sit back and watch it unfold. When it's time, I will divulge.

Today I had an interesting exchange with Maternal Countessa. She and I have not been close since 2000. Prior to that we were quite close. Times change, events alter lives, whatever.

Today I was called upon to offer my sisterly advice. I can definitely guarantee that MC has not asked for my advice since 2000. The details are not important. What struck me was that we spent 40 minutes on the phone laughing, exchanging ideas, listening to one another and making future plans.

Maybe becoming a Mother has changed her for the better. It doesn’t matter, I will enjoy this closeness as long as it lasts. I quite enjoy having 2 sisters, again

Tournament of Neurosis Parade

This is as much detail as I can go into. If you have healthy imaginations, I suggest you use them.

Many strange happenings in my corner of the world; I am satisfied to just sit back and see how it all unfolds. I’ve been through similar scenarios before so I find that to be a slight advantage. I always seem to fall on my feet in the end. Que sera, sera.

Buckle up friends, it is proving to be a bumpy ride.