Fakes Giving*

Hi all. Here at the Wicked Family compound due to scheduling conflicts we had to have our Thanksgiving one week and 3 days later.

I was the hostess with the mostess; literally and figuratively. (Ha! Sometimes I just crack myself up.) We each were responsible for different courses and if I must share with the Internet, we did a fine job. Lookout Iron Chefs, next year we take you on as a group.

Work is not getting easier, life goes on. I leave you with a practice shot of most of the family in preparation for the obligatory group photo. You all need to keep this secret, I promised everyone in this snap that I would not post on the interwebs.

Of course I had my fingers crossed, I am Wicked H and this is how I roll:


There you go, a portion of the Family Wicked.

Talk to you all soon!

*title courtesy of Uncle Fun who is in the picture....

Better than the Flu Shot

(Listen, works is ka-razy! Enjoy this, won’t you?)

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I’d Rather Stick a Needle in My Eye

It is no secret that I find no solace in shopping. Let me clarify, I find no comfort in full contact shopping. Give me a computer and a credit card with a decent limit and watch me shop.

I have never understood the craziness that is Black Friday. I can tell you that between the amateur cooks breaking in their turkey fryers without reading all the safety instructions and the wacky prizefighting shoppers, we will be quite busy at work tomorrow. We tend to see many college aged kids the day after Thanksgiving along with the food poisoned and many injuries caused by early morning bargain hunters.

While you all are out there playing elf, I will be assisting in treating the infirm. Ah, the Holidays. So very good for business.

Just remember kids, Santa has begun making notes. Let the madness begin!

Planes, Trains, Automobiles and the Extended Family Reunions

A few helpful hints from Wicked H:

1) It’s only once a year, you can get through it; yes even the most obnoxious relative and/or in-law.

2) They may promise you that the calories and carbs have been removed, they are lying to make you eat. Do what I do, save the carb points for the alcohol.

3) If it lands on your plate, you should really eat it. Unless of course you can feed it to the dog covertly under the table. Be creative!

4) It can’t be all bad, find at least one thing to be thankful for.

Where ever your journey takes you this Thanksgiving, I wish you safe and happy trails.

Off to the Spa, N’est Pas?

Of course I will have you in mind while I am experiencing nothing but rest and rejuvenation. I also have some ocean front property in Arizona for any of you interested.

Be good kids. If you cannot be good, I want all the juicy details.

Ohmmmmmmmmm......Namaste.

Petition

Lil Wicked, my twelve year old niece, and I were having a serious discussion over the weekend.

You see, my whole family attended public schools during our formative years. We all turned out pretty damn good if I must say so myself. It seems that living amongst the Mcmansioned requires one to send their offspring to fancy, schmancy private schools; Parochial ones. I shudder just thinking about it. To each is own is what I used to say until it hit close to home.

Lil Wicked is attending St. Francis of the Behemoths or some such institution. (Can you hear me God? It’s me Wicked H!) She was telling me that the majority of her teachers were of the plus sized variety. Let me clarify, they are plus sized female instructors who arrive dressed for class in psychedelic moo moos.

The tarp covered faculty members enjoy dolling out detentions and the like because due to their size they are restricted from keeping their students in line. Besides that, most are unable to keep the assignments up to date on the school’s web site so that the parental units can make sure their precious cargo are learning to the full extent of the several thousand dollar tuition.

Lil Wicked was explaining how most of the outfits were so distracting, it was making her eyes tear. Now, I must tell you that it took all my strength not to make fun of these educators. You all would have been so proud of me. I cleared my throat and in my most serious tone, I suggested that perhaps a petition needs to be started asking that the teachers also must wear the uniforms that the students are forced to exhibit. Lil Wicked thought about it for a moment and declared that she’d rather see a freaky frock than a mammoth woman in an plaid skirt.

Point taken.

Our veterans were more than soldiers. They were, and still are heroes.

Veterans Day
By Taylor Weinman

Representing the red white and blue
The colors of our flag stand out proud and true.

The white stars on blue background with red and white stripes
Remind me of these veterans, who all risked their lives.

Just so the people of the U.S. could all live in peace and be free
These are the heroes that represent you and me.

They stood up strongly, united as one,
And kept up the fighting until they were done.

And although some have fallen, and lost their lives in war,
We pray for each one of them.

And now that their souls live on forever more,
Above in God's hands.

They watch over our nation,
And give us strength to triumph over others with strong anticipation.

So every year, when this day comes by,
Think of all the veterans that while fighting, had to die.

And remember that they were people
With fire and passion embedded inside.

They die for this country,
So remember and honor them with pride.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

Oh hi!

I have not forgotten about you. I am not on hiatus. I am trying to figure out how to balance my new responsibilities at work and also have the energy to blog.

As it is now, I am thinking it might take me a week to get things back in order. My suggestion would be for you all to talk amongst yourselves until then. Don’t give up on me.

Let me know how you all are doing. I miss each and everyone one of you.

W-I-C: See you real soon

K-E-D: Dude, I promise

H: Holla!

It Remains to be Seen.....

The parades have ended, for now. The neurotics are still floating down the river of denial. I on the other hand have ended up on secure ground. I am referring to things at work and must still remain as obscure as possible. There is simply no need for me to tread the dooced zone.

We have experienced a change in administration, an alteration that will lead my work place to much bigger and better things. I mentioned cryptically before that I have been through such conversions in previous employment and have developed a tough skin; leathery if you will. Because of my experience, I was able to predict step by step the eminent actions. Deep down I figured my position would be salvaged but there are no guarantees in life. Part of the wisdom I gained while becoming leathery. I tried to talk co-workers off the proverbial ledge. Some understood others did not. I can’t think of anyone who voluntarily welcomes unknown change.

There is still a whole host of adjustments on the horizon. I truly believe they will all be for the benefit of the business in general. Those of us who have always kept our noses to the grind stone seem to be recognized for our efforts. The others, the neurotics, the naysayers are in for an extremely taxing time. They are going to have to prove their worth and for as long as I have been around, I have yet to see any evidence to that effect.

In the immortal words of a former HR Director of mine, this bunch may have to go and be successful elsewhere.

Happy Halloween!!

Treats for the kiddies and Gin & Tonics for the parents.

Muhahahahahahahahahaha!

Blog Obstruction; Blogstipation If You Will

Friends, my name is Wicked H and I am creatively stymied. I have looked high and low for some blogospheric fiber but alas I am marooned.

There is much going on with me just none of it very humorous. Rather none that I can put a jocular spin on at the moment. Work is precarious to say the least, life is good no complaints on that front. Actually I am on the verge of losing my “black sheep” title. Long story for another time.

Cut me some slack. I’ll get back on track. I promise. In the meantime, enjoy this lovely photo of my birthplace. Lets’ make it interesting; can you tell me where I was born?

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Someone sent me this and since I can’t be creative this week, I am sharing one last item not written by me.

If you can read this without laughing out loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting fo r me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other garbage too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny kid to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Dumb barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for service s today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Speeding?

The Hell you say!

Staph Resistant Viruses

The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

No clue who the original author is, but I'd certainly buy them a round or two.

Wax on, Wax Off

After today, I now understand why my sister, the brain surgeon, cringes anytime someone picks her brain regarding medical conditions during her off time. (Pun not intended but sometimes I just crack myself up!)

I took the day off to visit my favorite dentist. He has the typical open floor plan. The two exam chairs in the rear of the office are separated only by a glorified partition that houses various and sundry dental equipment. In other words, whatever is going on in chair one is easily heard by me in chair two. I cannot see who is in chair one but I did make a concerted effort after the following scenario:

While lounging uncomfortably in my chair one, I am listening to the conversation between the patient in chair two and Missy, the worlds most gregarious dental assistant.

Missy: So I noticed you were walking funny as I brought you back here, what’s going on?

Chair Two Occupant (CTO): Groan, long story....

Missy: I LOVE stories, we got nothing but time. Did you forget which dentist you were visiting?

CTO: Well the Reader’s Digest version goes like this; new girlfriend in the picture, she’s into uh grooming. Well, you get the idea....

Missy: Grooming? What did she do, ask you to wax your back or something?

CTO: Um, yea. Something like that.

Missy: (Now with checking on me) How you doing Wicked?

WH: (using hand gestures because I am biting into a mold of my entire mouth) O.K.

Missy: (leaning in to whisper) Did you hear about the back waxing?

WH: (continuing on with the gestures and shaking my head and point to the nether regions)

Missy: What?? Ohhhhhhhhhhh. (Now talking over the partition to CTO) Hey, we think you are walking funny due to a hinterland accident. Are we close????

CTO: (Audible groaning).....

WH: (I have to pull the mold out of my mouth to keep from choking on my laughter)

Missy: (Now back on CTO’s side) Well how bad is it? Anything we can help you with? You better be in love with this new girl, third degree burns are just not worth it.

WH: I can suggest silvadene cream with a light dressing till it begins to heal and then if you must groom, maybe Neat or Nair might be the way to go.

CTO: Um, oh thanks. How do you spell the name of the cream? And not only is she no longer in the picture, I will be keeping my bits furry as the big guy upstairs intended!

I honestly did not know I’d have that much fun at the dentist today. I was unable to see what he looked like but I cold hear from his gait that he was most definitely limping.

The Importance of the Pecking Order

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

** Moral of the story:**

Always let your boss have the first say.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Author Unknown Winter 1999

What we can do; yearly mammograms and monthly self breast exams. Ladies, teach your significant others how to examine your breasts. Might as well be both pro-active and have fun at least once a month.

Although I recommend as much fun per month as humanly possible, the breast exam only needs to be done once.

Use your imaginations....

Hot! Behind!!!

I wish!

What kind of gift do you get your sister the brain surgeon for her birthday? The same exact gift I got last year, only this time it was even better. Chef Danielle made an encore appearance at the Mcmansion to show us gals how to prepare a gourmet brunch.

Our menu consisted of mushroom and three cheese strata, blueberry-stuffed french toast, roasted parmesan asparagus with poached eggs and bacon and pecan waffles with caramelized bananas. We prepared all of them ourselves with the careful supervision of Chef Danielle. Of course there were Mimosas a plenty and Lil Wicked was a lean, mean, chopping machine.

We learned all kinds of tidbits from Chef Danielle, the gossipy kind. For example; a certain TV Chef, who I affectionately refer to as Bobble Head with the new Boobs, makes certain that everyone on her set knows that she is a married woman. Calm down Bobble Head, anyone can buy boobs. Also Chef Danielle has worked for a fancy schmancy author whose wife’s assistant informed our dear Chef that Mrs. Author does not speak with the common folk and to please refrain from asking about her child proof door knobs. Whatever!!!

We also learned all about the lingo one must sling around whilst in the kitchen. That would be about the only time I would have ever heard “hot behind” in my lifetime. At least I heard it!!

Lil Wicked asked that next year we schedule Chef Danielle for a midnight snack cooking class. The Chef looked right at me and stated that if the martini back pack makes an appearance, so would she. Apparently last year’s key lime martini became a big hit on her party list.

My pleasure Chef. I will begin working on the midnight cocktail. See you next year!

Two Score and Five Ago....

....Wicked H was born.

The rest, is history or the future. I guess it depends upon your perspective.

In any case, here is one of my favorite pictures. Behold, the bathing beauty that would become Wicked H.

Not Your Mama’s Pampered Chef

Last weekend I was invited to a Pampered Chef party hosted by a coworker. My first experience at one of these parties was pretty unsettling. I was surrounded by a bunch of Stepford Wives whose biggest concern was to fight over which one of them would be able to add an ingredient to whatever was being prepared. So I was unsure as to whether or not I should go.

I bit the bullet and decided to go; I need to get myself out of my comfort zone. First I have to say that our hostess lives among the beautiful people and if town homes could be considered Mcmansions, then she is living in a neighborhood full of them. Let’s call them Mcmansion Juniors. The décor of the Mcmansion Junior was straight out of Martha Stewart Living, gorgeous not my taste but very nice. I shit you not when I tell you that when I went into the guest bathroom, the toilet tissue’s corner was fanned in a way to make it extremely convenient for me to use. Who has this kind of time and energy? I thought about going back out of the bathroom when I saw the toilet paper to retrieve my phone for a photo op but I thought it would be very déclassé.

The Pampered Chef Representative was very easy going. She had a good idea of the crowd quickly and tailored her presentation accordingly. I cannot explain to you how thankful I was that we did not have to endure the twenty minute Q&A about the differences between baking and cooking. Seriously, if you don’t know the difference, there is no need for you to attend one of these events. Her spiel was very entertaining as well as informative. Hey any woman who can sell me the latest measuring device by relating it to the amount of alcohol in one shot is one hell of a salesperson. Not only did I get that question correct, she also hurled a piece of chocolate at me. Score!!

A few mimosas and one hundred dollars later, I was on my merry way. Oh if you are in the area, I am hosting a “bits and beverages” party in November. Shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get you on the list.