Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Rules of the Road in the Washington D.C. Metro Area

(Disclaimer: don’t know who the original author is but he or she is brilliance on a stick - enjoy)

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is called
D.C., or the "District." Only tourists call it Washington.

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old,
throw it away and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax
County and your road map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just
another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway" which has no beginning and no
end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an
"inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside
the Beltway.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from
1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during
the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in
driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from
Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in
their neck and go into a seizure.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot
at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you
will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the
light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an
immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a stampede to the local Giant for bread,
milk and toilet paper.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn
and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an Interstate, but
runs only from Bethesda to Frederick (unless you consider Montgomery County
another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and
under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is
even more confusing.

All unexplained sights are explained away by the phrase, "Oh, we're inTakoma Park".

If someone actually has his turn signal on, he is by definition, a

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
Don't ask why, no one knows. If asking directions in Arlington, Langley
Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan; you must know how to speak Spanish. In
Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If on
Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street; a gay dialect helps. If you stop
to ask directions in Southeast... well just don't.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks
will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand.)

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous,
scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more frightening than
seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered downright sissified. The Beltway is our daily version of a
NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right
lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in
the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game as well.

The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes
reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All
mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the
driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's
the Skins opening day.

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June,
July, August and sometimes even September.

If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the stadium
lot. It's cheaper than getting towed or a citation. By law, you're notallowed to walk on the "public" roads around the stadium during game days


wallofdenial said...

Makes me glad I left the "big cities"!!! I desprately miss the goods and services, I dont miss the traffic and high propery cost.

Velvet said...

HA! I was thinking this morning about why the hell these people can't see the LEFT LANE is for passing. Funny that when I leave the region, everyone else in the rest of the country gets this. Why not MD/DC/VA??

Wicked H said...

Dave: I can't say that I blame you.

Velvet: At least we are never bored while tooling around the hood. That is the best I could muster.....

HotForSimon said...

OMG....this is hysterical!! And SO true!!!