Monday, March 12, 2007

The Augmenter

My 3 week old niece is finally getting properly nourished. As a medical family, we all did relatively well staying out of the new parent’s business. I am sure every new parent has much adjusting to do and meddling family members can’t be of much comfort. After 2 weeks of wrestling with breast feeding mishaps, the new parents caved and decided to give Smelly formula along with the minimal amount of breast milk being produced by Maternal Countessa via bottle.

In a last ditch effort, my B-I-L wanted to visit the lactation specialists one more time to see if more breast milk could be produced. Maternal Countessa whipped out a contraption that she wanted us to see. This is the latest in Breast Nazi gadgetry. What the Nazis wanted them to do was hang the makeshift flask filled with formula around the mother’s neck, tape the tiny tubes around the nipples and expect the baby to nurse from the mother’s nipple and the plastic tubing simultaneously.

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Once the snorting enhanced laughing subsided, the sister’s Wicked had the following exchange:

WH: Pass the tissues, I can’t stop crying from laughing!
Brain Surgeon (BS): (Still heaving with laughter)
MC: (Also wiping tears from her eyes)
WH: Hey, are they really serious about this contraption???
MC: Yes!
BS: And what was your reaction?
MC: Well we tried to keep a straight face, but it was difficult.
WH: No wonder Brittney shaved her head!
BS: That’s right! You better have B-I-L keep the shears locked up tight!
MC: Snort!!
WH: Hopefully B-I-L has gotten over the breast feeding thing by now.
BS: I know, we can hang the formula around his neck and let him tape the tubes to his nipples and then he can understand why this is ridiculous!
MC: (Ran off to the bathroom to keep from wetting her pants)

As you can see, none of us are tree huggers. We give great props to any mother out there who has the sanity to use The Supplementer. However, we feel that the Breast Nazis need to really get a grip on reality and simply support the decision of the parents.

Smelly is doing very well. Plus this way, we can all assist in the nourishing.
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4 comments:

Chana said...

OMG! I am a nursery nurse and work with lactation consultants all the time but have never seen this type of thing! I would've expected them to give her a med called Reglan but not that contraption! Can you say "Meet the Fockers"???

HotForSimon said...

I'd pay to see BIL with that thing hooked up to HIS nipples!!! OMG..to think that people made money off of this contraption.

Crazy Lady in Vegas said...

Lmao - Meet the Fockers was the 1st thing I thought of too.

And I just cannot get over how much hair Stinky has!

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