Monday, December 12, 2005

Barbie Dolls, Limited Edition for Northern Virginia

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NoVa dolls for
the Northern Virginia market:

McLean Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at
Neiman's in Tyson's II. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Falls Church Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

Manassas Barbie: This recently paroled former "Porn
Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash; preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Great Falls Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Reston Barbie: This former Dot Com Barbie cashed in
her options before the bust and now "works from home doing freelance
consulting" until the kids get older. She comes with a huge house on a tiny lot, and she channels her formidable energy and intellect managing the extensive social and athletic activities of her three kids, each of whom plays two sports, takes piano and karate, and is on the chess club. A member of the PTA, this Barbie is famous for running her daughter's Brownie troop like a Fortune 500 company ("Do we really have a solid ROI on Girl Scout cookies?"). Her greatest personal accomplishment this year was outmaneuvering the other uber-mommies to be selected as Room Mother for her son's second-grade class. She comes with AOL Ken, accessorized with a Porsche, giant gas grill, and flat-screen TV equipped with Tivo.

Woodbridge Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in
her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and
Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sterling Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. There is also a Percocet prescription available.

Leesburg Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired
Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel
from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house.
Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Available with a mobile home.

North Arlington Barbie: This doll is made of actual
tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits,
no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you
call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you
purchase two North Arlington Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

South Arlington Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only
Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three
back seats, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Arlington Barbie or Ken.


Wicked H said...

Thanks to "J-Bear" for passing this along to me. Still wiping the tears from my eyes, HYSTERICAL!!!!

justdawn said...

I am from NOVA and found this to be extremely funny;)

Nutcracker Sweet 54 said...

Wicked I had to change my underwear being as I'm over 50 and laughter induced stress incontinence is an issue.....I know TMI....I'm still laughing...

Wicked H said...

Oy, OY!!!! I thought I was done shopping but obviously I will go out and buy you a case of Depends. Try a) not to let our parents wrestle them from your grip and b) try to act surprised when you open the box. Hugz and kisses your not yet incontinent sister.


wallofdenial said...

dam funny, I am not from your area of the country, but all have to do is make this fit my area. Thanks! No I wont steal it!

Joe said...

F'ING BRILLIANT! Absolutely hilarious! I enjoyed every second of this post.

Anonymous said...

k so im from Woodbridge...and i really dont think that its trashy like you douche bags made it sound...good going.

Wicked H said...

Anon: Direct your complaint to Mattel. It's their Limited Edition. Thanks for stopping by.