Uh…Hello!

Conversation I just had with my Dad, the Great White Psychiatrist:

GWP: Did the storm do any damage to your house?

Wicked: I just got steady rain, every now and then a gust of wind; and you?

GWP: Oh, the rain was coming down in sheets and at one point it got very dark and loud. The trees were almost touching the ground.

Wicked: Were you and Mom huddled in safety?

GWP: No, I was standing outside watching it all.

Wicked: Do you think that was a good idea considering a tornado touched down 4 miles away?

GWP: It was scary.

This goes to show that GWP and BS have the exact same personality. They are both quite focused in their medical travails but when it comes to common sense, forget about it.

Tenacious

“You are like a bad penny that won’t go away.”

This is what one of the Docs I work with said to me recently. You see since I was transferred to my latest location nine months ago, I have been coveting the corner office with windows. You can’t blame me. I left a corner office with a view and ended up in an interior spot much smaller and with absolutely no radio reception.

I’ll admit it was bugging me.

Recently the corner office became available and I have carefully been campaigning for it. The reasons for not letting me have the office never really added up for me. A simple no would have ended my quest.

While on vacation where I purge all bad things, I had decided to let go of the coveted corner office. It wasn’t worth it. I was getting used to not being able to hear the news and traffic reports scattered amongst my classic rock. The IT dept put a kibosh on all streaming capabilities long ago and no, satellite radio didn’t function in my office either.

Tuesday, I was told that the decision came down and I could have the office. The Doc who made the comment praised me for my tenaciousness. Why thank you!

A room with a view and no evidence of the Troll. I can die happy now.

Well it’s Not Brain Surgery

No wonder she couldn’t figure it out.

My sister the Brain Surgeon has taken up bike riding. Of course she has all the requisite equipment except for a functional bike. Let me explain. BS inherited Gestational Countessa’s (GS) old bike from way back. BS cannot throw away anything. I purchased the bike for GS when she was in high school. So it has more than a few years on it.

The other day BS and her husband were biking along and she was having a difficult time. She realized something was awry but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. When they decided to take a break she mentioned it to her husband and he didn’t seem too bent out of shape about it.

It wasn’t until they stopped to fill her rear tire with some air; they discovered that both her tires were dry rotted and that she was riding on the rims. DUH!

If there was a brain lying in the bike path, she would have been all over that. Things happen for a reason.

My B-I-L bought her a new bike for her birthday which is today. I hired a personal chef to teach 6 of us how to prepare a 4 course gourmet dinner and then dine in style. I have to say we did a great job. Turns out Little Mermaid, who is too old for that moniker now, is a frustrated Sous-Chef. Who knew? That girl can chop better than any Ronco™ product I’ve ever seen. We shall therefore refer to her as Sous-Chef Mermaid. That is until I come up with something better.

In the meantime, join me in wishing my older sister the Brain Surgeon a very happy birthday!

Sis: Wishing you happiness today and ALL days!

Aunt Wicked Part Deux

Yes friends, it’s now official. My younger sister and her husband, Gestational Countessa and Uncle Fun, are expecting a bundle of joy.

The first trimester is over, the amnio has been performed and I know that I will be having a niece sometime around March.

Her nickname is Roseannrosanahanna or Gilda for short. Uncle Fun thinks that is a hoot. Gestational Countessa was not amused. Oh well, my niece my choice of moniker.

Don’t worry Little Mermaid; I have enough love in my heart for 2 nieces. Always know that since you are the first you will have an extra special place there that Gilda cannot replace.

Cigars for everyone!!

Plausible Deniability

Things that me go hmmmmmmm?

Ever try to debate a personal topic with an individual who is so narcissistic that you would turn blue before he or she would admit to any wrongdoing? Frustrating. Thankfully, I have eliminated most of these types from my core pool. Unfortunately, for him/her, one tries valiantly to hang on.

Cryptic, you say? Damn straight, my Blog my style. If you aren’t intelligent enough to play along or amused enough to decipher some of my posts, I promise not to lose any sleep over it. Hope you do the same.

Once again, I digress. I’ve made a pact with my self to leave these deleterious types in my wake. Now if they are ignorant enough to tread the choppy waters, then I promise to make the journey as amusing as possible. Gratifying to me? You bet your ass.

Want to come along for the ride? Have I ever let you down before?

Dear Trader Joe’s Patron:

All right. I am only going to say this once lady, pay attention.

If you have enough time to fondle every single melon in the display, then you most certainly have enough time to wait on line to pay for your perfect gourd. I cannot believe you were trying to play the “I am late to pick up my child” card when you spent 16 minutes palpating fruit. We all have busy lives and each of our minutes are just as precious as yours. If you are so late to pick up Junior, explain to me how you had the time to write a check for one item?

I almost offered to pay the grocery tab of the woman who would not let you go ahead of her in line. I did offer to give her one of my bottles of wine while I was walking back to my car. How did I know it took you 16 minutes to finalize your melon choice? You kept her from even looking at them.

There is a God and today she was staking her claim at Trader Joe’s.

I've Got Nothing But This Joke Edition

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about
three months ago when we broke down, And those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband




"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk

Made me chuckle while I am trying to find the top of my desk.....enjoy!

The Effects of Caffeine; Vacation VS Work

Why is it that while on vacation, I can consume a whole pot of coffee and not feel the least bit jittery? Yet, while at work after my second cup I start hyperventilating.

I don’t get it.

Ameliorated

I knew I was in dire need of a break before I left; the severity of my urgency became clear the second my toes hit the sand. I will not bore you with the details that lead to my epiphany. I will let you know that if I could figure out how to bottle up the response I have to being at the shore I would market it in an instant and retire early. Until then, I have made myself a promise to not let myself wait so long for the next break.

Although the weather was not great, the atmosphere and accommodations provided the respite I needed. I had full view of the ocean and the bay. The ability to watch the sun rise and set from the confines of a balcony with my favorite libation was the exact prescription I required.

I return insouciant and rejuvenated, ready to face whatever comes my way. Let the games begin.....

Down the Ocean...Hon!

I am off to the Beach. How can you all miss me if I don’t go away?

Try to behave yourselves, I know how difficult that can be for some of you. I may be back soon or not. One never knows about these things.

I’ll leave you with a poem by Linda Harnett which best describes my reasons for escaping to the shore.



Oh, to be lying,
On a beach,
Somewhere,
With sand in my toes,
And the wind,
In my hair.

And only the sound,
Of the seagulls,
On high,
On a beach,
Somewhere,
Under sunny blue sky.

The gentle caress,
Of the waves,
On the shore,
Could I ask for more?

Flowers for Algernon

I was hoping that this week was a representation of the play. Alas, it was not.

I was prepared to wax poetic about the injustices suffered by being surrounded by those with off the chart IQs. Instead I learned that ignorance is truly bliss. Next life I will return ignorant. The synapses that I have wasted attempting to be politically correct have been painful. Nay, excruciating. Charlie, I understand now.

If I have to repeat a week like this one ever again, then friends, I need to make reservations for a padded cell.

Thank the heavens the weekend is a few hours away. Any longer and I would not have made it.

On the Edge

These short work weeks, although good for the soul, really screw with my sense of keeping time. At work, I am a creature of habit. At home, not at all. We have a certain crew that rotates through my location certain days of the week. Fridays are usually the let’s all go out to lunch day. Yesterday we ended up with the usual Friday crew so of course we went out to lunch.

No matter what the stress level in the office, take us out of our element and not only are we going to have fun but so are most of the people within a 50 yard radius. We’re infectious, what can I say. (If you are interested and local, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll let you know where we are dining this Friday)

Today we noticed a very odd pairing of co-workers. We don’t know “for sure” if they were co-workers but all actions lead us to believe that scenario. We witnessed 4 of the homeliest women in Northern Virginia seated with an attractive man. Under normal circumstances, the group would not have drawn any attention. However, this group deserved recognition due to the body language of the alpha male. The booth they were seated in was basically in the shape of a circle, the booth itself elevated by one step. The women were bunched together chatting, laughing, conversing. The gentleman was at the end of this booth, seated at the farthest edge of the cushion with one foot one the floor. His posture reminded me of someone who was going to take off running. He looked painfully uncomfortable both physically and socially. He was not engaged in any of the conversations taking place at the booth, he was either watching one of the many TVs in the place or gazing in any direction but the booth itself. Before the women arrived, he spent about 10 minutes arranging the items strategically on top of the table; the salt and pepper shakers, catsup and the specials menu.

What can I say, there was a slight delay in receiving our food and I am a people watcher.

So what do you think was the deal with this man? He certainly was not there to enjoy the company.

Carded

This week the school kids returned back to their routine. Not being a parent, I do enjoy hearing about the first day of school escapades.

One of the specialists I work with was sharing the tender moments of his daughter’s first ever day of school. He recounted the entire morning, from the time she awoke to the tearful goodbye of he and his wife as their daughter skipped into school oblivious to the heartache she was causing with her independence.

The Doc went on to explain that his daughter was very concerned about receiving a red card while riding the bus. Apparently, they dole out red cards to children who misbehave. Once they have accumulated enough red cards, I suppose their bus riding privileges disappear. I told him if that was the practice when I started school, I would have accumulated enough red cards to fill one of those contraptions they deal cards out of in Vegas.

He walked away horrified, mumbling that his daughter would never get into that kind of trouble. Well Doc, I don’t think any father plans for that but you may want to have a conversation with my dad.

I’m just sayin…….

Toot Toot, Hey…. Beep Beep

MIT:Every Sunday night I wrack my brain to figure out a money making scheme to keep me from having to show up at work each Monday. How about you?

Wicked:Well I keep trying to be the E-Bay entrepreneur but things aren’t moving fast enough.

MIT:I hear you. Maybe we could be ladies of the evening?

Wicked:Yea, I am not sure my profit margin would be any better in that arena either.

MIT:We are older; I guess we’d be attracting the wrong clientele.

Wicked:Plus, is it really worth it?

MIT:You are right, with all the diseases, etc. We should stick to our toys and just show up to work every weekday.

Wicked:I hate it when you are right, Dammit!

Bumbershoots and Galoshes

It doesn’t take much to screw up traffic in this area. Adding a tropical storm right in the middle of the Labor Day weekend will certainly cause all kinds of trouble.

You all be careful. Batten down the hatches and have a safe weekend.