The Tie That Binds

Last night I had the extreme pleasure of meeting up with my globe trotting cousin and his new wife. Most of my family lives overseas. I did not have the luxury of growing up with cousins and Aunts and Uncles nearby and I did and do miss it.

My cousin and I are especially close which is difficult to attain considering we haven’t spent that much time together. He did spend 3 years in Maryland while earning his Masters but the rest of our time spent together was few and far between.

He’s been in the DC area for the past week. He is staying at the mansion while my sister is off in Mexico. He has had a whirlwind week between taking care of some business, introducing his wife to family and his many friends as well as being her tour guide. He called me yesterday and said he had a three hour window and that I was penciled in for dinner. I told him to meet me in Tyson’s and off I went.

You have to understand that I’d rather stick hot pokers in both eyes than to enter Tyson’s but this is the love I have for my cousin. A few cocktails, one bottle of wine, a fabulous dinner and three hours later we were saying our good byes. I welcomed the newest addition to my family and told her I thought he and she made a good pair. She told me that her husband was very distraught thinking that we all were not going to be able to have some time together and that she now understood why. Aw.

As I was walking back to my car, I wondered if we grew up together would our bind be as close. It doesn’t really matter. The tie that bonds is family and in our case physical distance is not an issue.

Good News and Bad News

Not exactly the words you want to hear when the car dealer returns to you after checking your credit history. However, in this case the story took a wild and strange turn.

My BIL, King of all new technology, went in to buy one of those new hybrid numbers. Once he decided which one he wanted, the requisite credit check was performed and the fun ensued. Here is a bit of the conversation between the salesman and my BIL:

Salesman: Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.
BIL: Okay. I can take it, what’s up.
Salesman: May I first look at your hands?
BIL: What?
Salesman: Work with me, may I see your hands?
BIL:(Displays both hands for the man)
Salesman: Thank you. The good news is that your credit is perfectly fine. The bad news is that your name showed up on the FBI’s top ten most wanted list.
BIL: Excuse me?
Salesman: I am relatively sure you are not the guy.
BIL: Why did you need to see my hands?
Salesman: The man on the list has tattoos all over his hands and he is 75 years old.

It turns out the wanted felon murdered a Police Chief in Pennsylvania over 15 years ago and one of his alias’ is my BIL’s name. The even weirder twist of this is that my BIL himself is a retired Police officer originally from Pennsylvania.

Being quite connected with the local and federal law officials; BIL got busy trying to figure out how to get his name off of this list. Countless phone calls and official letters of complaint to his Congressmen and Senator and to the head of Homeland Security finally gave a few more leads. This whole process took over a month and I am not quite sure if he got it all straightened out. BIL and the family are in Mexico on holiday right now so I know they made it into the country without hassle. Let’s hope they are able to leave Mexico without incident. My BIL is carrying an official letter stating he is not the man on the List but who knows how many of the A-listers also carry around “official” letters. I told him to get the letter written in Spanish as well just to be safe.

I always thought there was something shifty about you BIL. Here’s hoping the Federales don’t give you are hard time.

Hypocrite or Just Hungry?

Ok Internet, I have a confession to make.

I confess to partaking in the Drug Rep luncheons that are bestowed upon us at work. I know, I know. I am the same person who prophesizes to any Drug Rep who will listen, that I would gladly give up the luncheons if the drug companies would use their luncheon budget towards making all of our prescriptions more affordable.

I ask you. If you were faced with gourmet sandwiches and an Asian chicken salad to die for, would you not give in to temptation? I did and do on a regular basis. Well, as regular as the luncheons.

Mea maxima culpa.

Dear Neighbor:

First let me inquire as to your health status? I am sure it was something pretty serious for an ambulance to pull up at 4am. I am going to guess that it all worked out well because the ambulance left without you. Please get well soon.

Now if I could ask a huge favor. If at all possible, please try not to call the ambulance until at least 5:30 am during this week because I am sure that my next door neighbor did not appreciate my furry nephew barking up a storm at 4 am. I didn’t much appreciate it either but once I saw the ambulance while I was walking Google soon after the cacophony, I completely understood.

Feel better.

Hug and Kisses….

Care Package

I just spent the past thirty minutes receiving detailed care instructions for my impending house guest.

I was asked if I would be careless and just open the door and let him run away. I was told how he likes to have treats rolled into old socks so that as he unwraps each sock, he is rewarded with a morsel. A litany of information relayed to me by my niece via my sister. The house guest hasn’t even arrived yet. I am sure that the list of duties will be reviewed and expanded once my brother-in-law brings my furry nephew.

That’s right friends. I have the great pleasure of hanging with my furry nephew for the next week while his family jets off to Mexico. It has taken me this long to even want to pet a dog since mine died, so I am really looking forward to this adventure.

May I introduce to you Google the wonder pup? Stayed tuned for updates of the visit.



Update: The neighborhood has greeted Google very well. He did get a reprimand from one the of the neighborhood dog owners however. Before approaching said owner, they were warned of Google's propensity for jumping up to greet new people. The owner told me that it was clear that Google has not been trained. As Google and I continued on our walk, I pointed out that at least we are following the county's leash laws. Whatever, always a curmudgeon in the crowd.

DING DONG…The TROLL IS GONE!!!!!

I can see clearly now, the Troll is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone is the Furball that kept me down
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the Troll is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.

Be Careful What You Ask, You May Not Like the Answer

I ran a quick errand yesterday.

I was in search of three items. A cheap DVD player for the bedroom, paper towels and double A batteries. My scavenger hunt was successful and quick. Since I was in a store that sold in bulk quantities, I was able to procure more than enough batteries and paper towels to last at least 6 months.

I threw my purchases on the self check out conveyor belt and began tallying up the damage, patiently waiting for the computer to tell me what to do next. As a sign of good customer service, there are always attendants hovering around the self check out aisles ready to assist if needed. I was not in need of assistance however the male attendant decided to make a comment regarding my purchase.

Our exchange follows:

Bulk Store Attendant (BSA): Interesting grouping of items.

Wicked: Really? How so?

BSA: What do you need all these batteries for? (His question ends with a sneer)

Wicked: What do you think I need them for?

BSA: I asked first.

Wicked: Indeed. They are for Bob. He’s been getting a good workout lately.

BSA: (His face the deepest shade of red) Oh…um…it’s really none of my business…

Wicked: You asked and I answered, have a great day.

There are valid reasons I do not enjoy shopping; however this particular encounter was entertaining.

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

T.G.I.F. Start your weekend with this chuckle......enjoy!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted
him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to
cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

Be Afraid, VERY Afraid

Conversation between myself and my Shred It™ guy:

Wicked: Can you shred people in that thing?

SIG: If you can make them fit, no problem.

The scariest thing about his comment is that he did not have to think about it, the reply was lightening fast.

Note to self, DO NOT piss of the Shred It™ guy!

For the Love of Fitness

Lady if you must jog on a very narrow winding road which is the road much traveled by morning commuters, then I really cannot feel sorry for you when you bounce off the Hummer’s fender.

I have no idea what her condition is but for the last 7 work days this female jogger insists on taking her life into her own hands by jogging on a road that she has no reason inhabiting. Northern Virginia has more bike/walking paths per square inch than any other state. In fact, a mere 25 yards from her jogging route is a very scenic path for her to jog on safely.

Don’t get me wrong; if you want to exercise go for it. However, must you endanger your life and mine while doing so? I hope she’ll be fine and perhaps she will have learned her lesson. Use the effin path.

What a Difference One Year Makes

Saturday was Little Mermaid’s eleventh birthday. I know! I can’t quite wrap my head around it either. It seems like yesterday that I was speeding up Route 85 from NC during a terrible lightening storm on my way up to Maryland to meet my new niece and hope that my sister was going to make it through the delivery. She had last minute dangerous complications.

Last year I did not get to celebrate my niece’s birthday on the exact day because she is such the globe trotter. This year, due to the incredible level of her maturity, it was arranged so that she could have the close friend’s party on the actual day and then the dreaded family birthday the following day.

You want to know what was so very amazing. The family get together was neither dreaded nor full of tension. I am pretty sure that the addition of Little Mermaid has somehow made our family unit extremely cohesive instead of competitive. I cannot ever remember a gathering where ALL of us were snorting in laughter remembering old times and making new memories. Phenomenal!

Thanks Mermaid for being born and enriching our lives in a way only you can. Also stop growing up so darn fast because it’s making me feel old. We really have to come up with a new nickname for you because Little Mermaid no longer applies.

Sigh….

Dear Fellow Patron:

Although I am quite sure many techno-geeks would be so very impressed, kindly refrain from entering the restaurant with your blackberry/PDA gadget hanging around your neck. Its bad enough you had your ever so tacky Bluetooth attached to your ear.

Are you so important that you cannot have a meal in peace? Your group seemed highly annoyed each time you detached the gadget from your neck to send off an e-mail/text. Whatever, I certainly was under whelmed.

What did make me choke on my martini was the fact that your PDA rested quite nicely on your pasta primavera. Even better, the Rorschach blot of tomato sauce left on your Izod polo shirt.

Thanks for the entertainment!

Ebonic Hurricanes

If this doesn't just beat all.........

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be DEMOCRAT Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African American Culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now:

"Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Dat bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head of de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit......."