Hello, Is Anybody Out There?

I hope to end my self imposed hiatus. I am dipping my toes back into the blogging pool. Follow along, glad to have you here. As with anything else, the break has given me a new perspective. I am in my 50's now and have learned not to sweat the small stuff. Mentally and physically I am in a far greater place than when I first began.

As a family we are learning to deal with elderly but relatively healthy parents, it is definitely not easy but we are all fortunate that our parents are still able to live on their own. It is a bit scary to realize that their warranty's may be running out soon but we are determined to be more patient and understanding and grateful for the fun times and less angry with the frustrating episodes. If there are helpful hints out there, by all means throw them my way.

Lil Wicked is a sophomore in college!! OMG! She is studying journalism and is blossoming in the most fabulous way. She has a great foundation for being able to cope with all the nuances of college life; I am happy to be her confidant.

I have a new furry kid, my 2 year old golden retriever. We will call him Sir Giraffe as he is a very tall golden. About 7 months ago he developed epilepsy so life can be challenging when he has seizures. It is the worst feeling in the world to watch your fur baby have multiple seizures. After each episode I am trying to be stronger emotionally, some times are easier than others. He is on medication and life between seizures is great, hopefully he will live a long healthy, happy life.

My work life is the same, this year I will strive to make changes with that situation. Fingers crossed.

I started out the new year with a great surprise. I won 2 round trip tickets to Turkey by commenting on a FB page about what the Holidays meant to me. My luck is changing! Lil Wicked and I will be traveling in May as soon as her semester is over.

I believe we are all caught up. Welcome aboard....

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The Return of Longfellow

This might be the best text exchange I have ever experienced, so I will share.....

Wicked H:

Oddest text you might receive...I have lost my english cucumber somewhere between the kitchen counter and my car. Definitely not in my car. Hopefully the Boy is not chowing down. In case you run into it. Have a good one!

Dog Walker:

Def oddest! I'll put up some lost signs in the 'hood. Missing: tall English gent. Answers to name 'Longfellow'

Wicked H:  Snort!

Dog Walker:

Often heard saying: "It's not easy being green." People assume he's seedy.

Wicked H:

Cancel the ransom. Longfellow has been found! Your signs worked!

Dog Walker:

Oh good! I feared he'd get knifed if out in the big bad world for too long on his own.

Wicked AND 50!!

Is this where I thought I'd be as a younger version of myself? If my memory would work,I'd answer the question but alas..

 I am in a pretty good place. This birthday did not come with a negative vibe which I am happy about. Age does bring wisdom, I embrace it with a vengance.

 Laughter is a huge part of my life, not sweating the small stuff and always looking forward are the keys to my existence.

Happy Half Century to Me!

Smelly Goes to Kindergarten!!!

Time flies! Hope you love school, Smelly!!

Love Aunt Wicked!

Tick Removal in the Buff

This morning at Casa Wicked, Remington the wonder pup needed a tick extraction from the corner of his eye. I decided I would jump in the shower following our 4:30 am walk and then tackle the task of tick removal. As I open up the shower curtain I am greeted with Sir Remington and my bath mat shredded beyond recognition. I decided to throw a towel on my hair and around my body and rid my pup of the tick. He was happily lounging against the bathroom cabinet so I squatted down and tried to remove the tick. Of course there was much commotion and squirming on his part and to over compensate and keep him still my towel fell off. I had to make the split second decision of forging ahead with the removal as I was ahead of the game. I got the tick off while nude and then Remington sprinted off into the bedroom with my towel and the bath mat and out of anxiety peed on the bedroom carpet. I made one more executive decision to not proceed any further until I was clothed. It was at that moment that I remembered the difficulty of dressing while soaking wet. Hope your day started out much better than ours.

Advice from Aunt Wicked

Dear First Love of Lil Wicked:

Let me start off by saying that when I became an Aunt for the first time, I was delighted in seeing the world through Lil Wicked's eyes. I have to say that the past month has been gut wrenching watching my niece experience her first heart ache.

So First Love, I have some advice for you. I am a firm believer that it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. That being said, watching how you are behaving during the end of this romance has me concerned for your future relationships. Trust me First Love, Lil Wicked is going to come out of this stronger than she went into it and most certainly wiser and with her pride at it's highest. You on the other hand are setting yourself up for failure each and every time. Be a "man" and either give each other the closure you both deserve or shut it down entirely. Let me be blunt, stop texting my niece and then act like she is invisible during school.

Lil Wicked has been more than supportive of your inability to communicate. She has gone above and beyond while you remain weak and passive. I feel sorry for you. Although I don't exactly know what spurred the end of the relationship, I have a pretty good idea. Your silence and inaction's speak volumes.

Grow a pair and handle your demons as they come otherwise you will become a bitter and lonely boy/man. There are many facets to growing up and the sooner you learn how to navigate the waters, the easier the process will be.

She doesn't know it yet but Lil Wicked will come out of this just fine. She has an excellent support system. I wish the same for you, truly.

Love and kisses - Aunt Wicked

Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork. He was burned out. Hoping to try another career, where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam, with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result; but I wonder if there is an error in the score?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly; which was worth 50% of the total score. You put the engine back together again perfectly; which is also worth 50%, of the score." After a pause, the instructor added; "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did it all through the muffler; which I've never seen done in my entire career".

This Greeting has been Cleared by my Attorney

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)



From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 22nd day of December two thousand and eleven.

Holiday Season Version 2011

Oh the Holidays......

I know we all have the unique quirky family dynamic. Each one of us has stories to tell.

Instead of waxing poetic or nauseous, let me simply give you a snippet of an attempt of planning the Family Wicked's Thanksgiving:

(I phone my elderly parents on Monday November 15th)

Wicked H: Hi Mom and Dad, do we have any plans for Thanksgiving this year?

Mom: Oh, well Brain Surgeon told me it was at your house this year.

WH: Really? I hosted last year, let me check with her and I'll get back to you.

(e-mail to Brain Surgeon(BS)asking what if any plans there are for Thanksgiving right after the phone call with Mom)

BS: I got your e-mail, what is the plan? I am off for only Thanksgiving.

WH: Ok, well Mom said that you told her it was at my house this year.

BS: I DID NOT say that. In fact Thanksgiving never came up in our last conversation.

WH: I figured, maybe she was remembering last year. In any case, I vote we have it at Mom & Dad's house. She can make only the Turkey, we can bring all the rest.

BS: What about Maternal Countessa aka Medical Technologist Extraordinaire?

WH: I tell you what, let me call mom & Dad and make sure having it at their house is ok and then in order to end ANY miscommunication I will shoot everyone an e-mail. That way we all see the responses as they come through.

BS: Deal, talk at you later.

(I call and confirm with Mom & Dad that these plans are sound and send out the e-mail. Recipients include BS ( Older sister) and her husband, Medical Technologist Extraordinaire ( younger sister) and her husband as well as my parents.)

My phone rings 30 minutes later, it is Medical Technologist Extraordinaire MTE

MTE: Hi Wicked, I hear you are hosting Thanksgiving this year, I just talked to Mom.

WH: No, Mom is hosting. It will be at 4 pm, she is making the Turkey the rest of us who can come are bringing all else. I just sent an e-mail

MTE: Oh, well we are going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I did not read the e-mail.

WH: No problem, if you could just reply to all then we can all be on the same page. BS and I will bring the rest of the food.

MTE: What are you bringing?????

WH: I don't know yet, nobody has answered the e-mail. But what does it matter, you won't be there you said.

MTE: What about Christmas?

WH: Well usually the married sisters do Christmas on the actual day and then we figure out the rest. Maybe Saturday will be good this year. Although you should just ask that question when you reply to all for the Thanksgiving e-mail. That way BS and her husband can let us all know if that is good for them.

MTE: I'll think about it.

Oy. Vey. Maria!

Here is hoping you and yours enjoy a pleasant holiday season.

For me, there are not enough grapes on the planet to keep up with the impending wine consumption.

Don’t Cry Wolf for Me Argentina

I love my family with the heat of a thousand suns. We were raised to love, honor and respect one another.

My Mother is the eldest sibling, had plenty of love and attention growing up and to this day she is the most respected member of the entire family. This is not something you can learn, you either earn this standing in the family or you don’t. She wears it very well, she deserves it. She lives for it.

She also has an ugly character flaw she loves drama. Specifically the type of dramatic flair that Aesop would have envied while penning “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” perhaps he knew my Mother. I have never understood the crying wolf strategy. I mean why does she feel the need to bring it into play?

Both of my parents are elderly at this point and have watched younger family members and dear friends pass away. I understand that with each passing they gauge their mortality. Thankfully for their age they are healthy both mentally and physically. Of course there are changes as each year passes but we are so lucky to have functional parents. May the rest of their years on this planet be healthy, happy ones. Amen.

As she ages, my Mother’s drama spirals out of control. Today I called Mom from work just to check in. The Great White Retired Psychiatrist (my Father) answered the phone in a mood. This is not unusual for elderly parents. This is how our conversation went:

GWRP: We are trying to do the best we can…
Wicked: What’s going on Dad?
GWRP: Here, talk to your Mother. She will explain.
Drama Queen: (barely audible) Hello?
Wicked: Oh hi Mom, how are you?
DQ: (HEAVY SIGH)……….. (Followed by a short of breath) not good.
Wicked: What is wrong?
DQ: My legs are heavy (deep sigh) I am dizzy (sigh) I just don’t feel right. I am sure it will pass, if not know that I love you.
Wicked: Maybe you should call your doctor.
DQ: No, I don’t want to die in a hospital.
Wicked: Are you dying?
DQ: In case I do, just bury me somewhere.
(During this exchange, she was yelling orders to my Dad to put this there and that over there. She is hosting the weekly lunch with 2 of her closest friends one hour from this phone call)
Wicked: Maybe you should cancel the luncheon.
DQ: Just make sure my burial plot will have a nice view of a meadow.
Wicked: Sure thing Mom. I know Dad wants a cement bench and a plot near the cemetery’s restroom so his visitors won’t have to worry about emptying their bladder. Brain Surgeon wants a fountain. Do you have any special requests?
DQ: Just that you visit regularly.
Wicked: You got it!
DQ: (Heavy Sigh) Well…I need to finish my preparations.
Wicked: Ok, tell the ladies hello.
DQ: (perkily) I sure will – kisses…bye.

Maybe she does this so I can keep the internets amused?

16!!

Lil Wicked, 16!

July 8th - OMG

It seems like only yesterday I was driving like a crazy woman up I-85 trying to get to the hospital before she was born.

For full disclosure purposes, she coined herself Lil Wicked and still does as far as I know. As my first niece I cannot express to you how proud I have been her entire life. I am sure to wave the proud Auntie flag well into the future. I know I am biased and perhaps they are growing them smarter these days, but this kid/young adult has an incredible knack for social problem solving. She shows more grace than 5adults combined. I have learned so much from her poise and attitude.

Does she have rough spots with her parental units? Of course she does, which one of us hasn’t? Some of us (ahem) still do.

On our last trip to NYC, our dear friend Frances who had met Lil Wicked for the first time said that she had magical story telling abilities. You do not want to argue with Frances because she is absolutely right. I am privileged to have such a fantastic person as my first niece who is speeding through life and allows me to take part.

I cannot wait to see how your life continues to unfold, Lil Wicked. You have made me a better person. I love you! Wishing you happiness, ALWAYS!!!!!

Schmucks R Us...Not!

Do people actually fall for this?

FEDEX COURIER SERVICE,
EDO STATE,NIGERIA
WEST AFRICA.
12-06-2011

Dear Customer!
SHIPMENT CODE: CPEL/OWN/9856
PARCEL #: EG2272

You have a parcel contaning an ATM CARD worth Eight Hundred Thousand Dollars
[$800,000.00USD] with us at the FedEx delivery company. Your delivery
charges has been paid for. All you have to do is to re-confirm your
information with the correct mailing address and make a payment of
$210USD only [Two Hundred and Twenty Dollars Only] for the security
keeping fee of the said parcel.

For your information, the delivery Charges, Insurance premium and
Clearance Certificate Fee of the ATM CARD showing that it is not a Drug
Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country have all been
paid for. You have to contact the Dispatch Office now for the delivery of
your Draft with this information below:

Contact Person: Bryan Smith
Email Address: Email: bryansmith707@asus.hk
Telephone:+234 816 4075 882

Please reconfirm your details:

FULL NAMES:
TELEPHONE:
POSTAL ADDRESS:
STATE:
COUNTRY:

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except
$210US Dollars as stipulated by the company. They would have paid that
but we said no because we don't know when you will contact us and in case
of any demurrage.
Finally, make sure that you re-confirm your Postal address(s) and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery.

Yours Faithfully,

Ms. Dora Williams,
Secretary.

References

My soon to be 16 year old niece has given my name as a reference for her part time job at a church.

First of all, almost 16 – OMG!!!

Secondly, has she met me?

I called Lil Wicked to make sure I had my ducks in a row before returning the call to the humble servant of the Holy Something or Another Church. Our conversation went something like this:

Lil Wicked: Hey, whassup?

Wicked H: I have a very serious and important message from Louise of Holy Something or Another Church. You haven’t sent a complaint about me straight to the Pope, have you?

Lil Wicked: What?? No! She needs to know about me since I have been stacking and un stacking chairs every Sunday.

Wicked H: Haven’t you been doing this for a while?

Lil Wicked: Yes, not sure why she wants the reference now.

Wicked H: No problem, are there any topics off limits?

Lil Wicked: Like what?

Wicked H: Well, is it alright if I let Louise know what your stripper name is? I can fib and let her know that is strictly a strip club for Holy Rollers.

Lil Wicked: (uncontrolled snorting)

Wicked H: I’ll take that as a yes then. Good Luck on Finals!

That kid, she can count on me!

Happy Easter

Music Heals the Soul and Adds Much Needed Humor

Some of the 1960's Hits Are Being Revived! Some of you may remember a few of these old tunes!!  These artists are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers and those of us who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.


They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
 
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen
 
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure,  and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
 

Only in New York

As we were exiting the performance of American Idiot, we noticed barricades being set up outside the theatre for the last showing of The Merchant of Venice. We were more than a little excited to be in the presence of the real Michael Corleone.

We stood vigil behind the barricades and security tape, cameras at the ready. A significant crowd was forming. After an hour of waiting one young voice in the crowd behind me asked her Mother why we were waiting. The youngster just did not understand,she proclaimed: "CAPPUCCINO? We can get that at Starbucks!!!"

Twenty minutes later, out came Al Pacino who signed dozens of autographs, ascended his ride and waved to the crowd blew us all a kiss and drove off to the wrap party. Hoo-ha!

Happy New Year!

May peace fill all the empty spaces around you
And in you, may contentment answer all your wishes.
May comfort be yours, warm and soft like a sigh.
And may the coming year
show you that every day is really a first day,
a new year.

Let abundance be your constant companion,
so that you have much to share.
May mirth be near you always,
like a lamp shining brightly
on the many paths you travel.
May you be true love.

-- Author Unknown

(This one is a repeat by me but we are still in a recession!)



From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 24th day of December two thousand and ten.

Count the Blessings

Life is too short. Enjoy your family. If you cannot do it honestly, it is my true belief that this is the exact reason alcohol was invented.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Happy Halloween to All, Wishing you a Good Fright!

Who knew? I wasn’t too inspired for the work Halloween dress up deal, but I was a semi good sport and had a version of this on:



Not only did I win best costume but I have not been flirted with this much in forever. I cannot tell you how many men in the office and visiting the office asked if the strike would be over on Monday. The UPS guy was beside himself, he declared “why you gotta be on strike TODAY?”

The ole girl still has it! Shocking!

Have a safe and happy Halloween!