T.G.I.F.

It has felt like a whole week of Mondays. Between the monsoons and then the aftermath, I think we are all in need of a weekend.

To those of you, who have the 4 day weekend, enjoy! Remember if its mayonnaise based and it’s been sitting around for a while, just move to the next dish.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Helpful Hints from Wicked H

If I ask you if you’d like to try some of the pomegranate flavored iced tea, the sufficient answer would be either yes or no. Breaking into a forty minute diatribe about how you stole pomegranates from your neighbor’s tree as a child will only cause me to walk away.

Similarly, if I walk into the conference room at 0 dark 30 and announce that I am still sleep walking, do not tell me how your 2 hour commute went today. I could honestly care less that each time you drive past mile marker 43 you see the same Avalon and isn’t that just amazing. Guess what? I am sleep walking. Don’t act all surprised when I quietly walk away, then you follow me into my office and then wonder why I shut the door while you were still TALKING.

Also, if someone shares a funny anecdote there is really no reason to try and come up with a better scenario. Take it for what it is, be polite and let us all please move on.

For the love of common courtesy, get a clue, buy a vowel…SOMETHING!

Trickle Down Theory

Those of you who know me are aware that I am not a sugar coat the situation type of gal. If I have something to say, depending upon the urgency of the situation, I will spell it out precisely. I have no time for the let’s beat around the bush and hope the parties involved will get it eventually tactic. Similarly, if I need the point to be taken I can be caustic. I don’t typically use the caustic approach but when I do, it’s just not pretty. There, in public, I admit that I have flaws. We all have them, not all of us will admit them.

Which brings me to something that happened recently which has been blown completely out of proportion by the receiving party. I won’t get into specifics. I will share that what I said was in my typical here is the problem and let’s please fix it promptly fashion. What ensued is hilarious. A melt down of epic dimensions; a full blown hissy fit.

To which I say, grow up. If you can’t stand the heat, admit you made a minor mistake which I pointed out to only the parties involved, get the hell out of the kitchen. Life is too damn short. Note to hissy fitter, thanks for pointing out the exact button I now will gladly push if driven to that point.

Have a nice day!

Oxymoron or Sheer Brilliance

"Down to earth hypocrite"

Discuss.....

Middle Age Fitness Quest

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to update some equipment and workout tapes and start exercising. I decided to start with an aerobics class for folks my age. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Tomorrow, pilates!

Best Bumper Sticker

On my way into work today, I was waiting in a turn lane behind an older vehicle with this bumper sticker on its rear:

Visualize Using Your Turn Signals

I actually snorted coffee through my nose. What makes this that much funnier is that she was neither visualizing nor using her turn signals.

Go figure!

Technology and the Elderly Parent

On Father’s Day, my Dad asked me to help with his printer. The previous time I visited, his printer had run out of ink and he inquired as to what he needed to do in order to rectify the situation. Knowing that he is technologically challenged AND he likes to handle things in person, I advised him to remove the ink cartridge and take it to the store and find the replacement.

He accomplished the task and was also able to replace the ink cartridge to its rightful place. Unfortunately, the printer still would not print. I took the cartridges out and remove the protective film from the cartridge, clicked it into place and away went the printer. 234 documents in queue to print. That is the number of times my Dad hit the printing icon after replacing the cartridge. I guess he thought he wasn’t clicking the mouse hard enough.

I went in and cancelled the print jobs. He was ecstatic. He asked me how I did that and then began the mini lecture on how to cancel the print job and print a test page after changing the ink cartridge. Six and a half hand written pages of notes later, Dad was satisfied that he could manage this the next time.

Of course it is worth mentioning that the first time my parents tried to leave their out going message on their answering machine, it went something like this:

Dad: (Beep) Ok, the machine is blinking, what…wait…turn to the page in the manual so I can see if (Beep)

This was the outgoing message until I was asked to change it without witnesses. He doesn’t like to admit to the whole family that he can’t do everything. Maybe I am the only daughter that won’t throw it up in his face at a later date.

Zing!

Actual conversation between dictator supervisor and pion.

Sup: Oh, you are dressed up today. That’s rare.

Pion: (smirk)

Sup: Do you really have a doctor’s appointment or might you be going on a job interview?

Pion: Which answer will help you sleep better at night?

Sup: .........

Pion: (satisfied with temporarily stunning the dictator) See you in an hour.

You Can Blog But You Cannot Hide

Interesting tidbit to follow soon which was presented to me in the following way:

Scene: Carraba’s for late lunch/early dinner.
Purpose: Father’s Day celebration.

B-I-L: Hey Wicked, I have a story for your blog.

My Mom: (81 and thankfully a bit hard of hearing) He has a story for your dog? Doesn’t he know Dexter is dead?

Wicked: (After shooting a glare at B-I-L; my blog is anonymous to my parents) No, Mom. He has a story about a frog.

My Father: (Also 81 and complaining of water in both ears) How did he fall off of a log?

No wonder I had 3 watermelon vodka splash thingies……

Brides To Be, Upside Down Pineapple Cake Shooters and Troy....Oh My!

Last night I dined with six of the most diverse women one would imagine congregating together. I am one lucky lady to have these core women to hang out with and most times we don’t even need an occasion.

We were gathered last night to send off one of our group into the land of matrimony. Another one bites the dust, sucker! Oh, ahem, I mean wishing you nothing but Happily Ever After. (I have some ocean front property up for sale located in downtown AZ. Shoot me an e-mail if you are interested)

Right, so where was I? I am a bit fuzzy this morning as I was introduced to my newest favorite thing on the planet, pineapple upside down cake shooters. Friends, if you have not had the pleasure I highly suggest you run right out at lunch and throw a couple of these puppies back. Yum!

Any of you worried that any ounce of alcohol went to waste? I am happily groggy to report that my partner in adventure type crimes and I made absolutely sure that any unattended glasses of champagne were imbibed. We had no trouble sharing every last drop.

I believe at some point in the evening I announced to the group that Troy, our 24 year old single server, and I would be getting married next week. He didn’t seem to mind and probably a third of our group believed me. (I also have prime swamp land in FL, let me know) As I mentioned before, we generally don’t need an excuse to assemble but I was really enjoying the attention the Bride was getting. So if you all aren’t busy next Wednesday night, come one come all.

Dear Late Evening Doorbell Ringer:

Get a clue!

If I did not respond to the first ring of the doorbell at 9 pm, continually knocking and ringing was not going to get you a reply either. I was not expecting anyone at that hour nor had I ordered take out. Nothing could have been that important. I don’t know who you are but I highly suggest you not repeat this exercise EVER.

Next time I will play the “girl” card and call the police and let them know I am being harassed. If you are someone I know, pick up the phone and let me know what you want.

Hugs and kisses – Wicked H

Women in Awful Flowered Pants and a Male Blow up Doll

Good times! H & D’s wild adventure part deux took place Saturday night. Everyone should have a “D” as a friend, she is the best adventure partner and she picks the best wines.

Our meal was a fusion cuisine this time and quite delicious. As always the company was great. Much imbibing took place which made the evening even more fun and chocolate martinis for dessert. I am not much of a chocolate fan but mix it with alcohol and I am one happy camper.

On our way out of the restaurant we were blinded by two women who were wearing botanical gardens on their capris. Um, ladies….NO. Please do not repeat this faux pas EVER. Also sighted was a gaggle of young ladies one of which was carrying a blow up male doll. Alrighty then! D confirmed the sighting and assured me that she did not see any lewd orifices on the doll. Well, what’s the point then? I mean really.

Actually, I am happy she also saw the doll because for a moment I thought I may have been hallucinating. Perhaps I was still distracted by the efflorescent capris.

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"Pre-dick-a-mints."

I Am Not a Pilot

However, I am very aware of restricted air space in this area. Can someone explain to me how it is that these pilots don’t know they have crossed over into restricted areas? Don’t these people have a radio on in the air craft at all times? Seems to me if you keep the lines of communication open, they would not have to send the big guns after these private pilots.

Someone, anyone? Beuller?

Trend Setters

Since moving into my new office location I have started walking during my lunch break. One of my co-workers joins me and it’s usually a laugh or whine fest the entire trek. Before today we had the route all to ourselves. Today we have at least 10 others also trying to stay/get healthy during lunch.

Of course I am willing to bet the new walkers are not inclined to save lives like we have had to do. Yes friends, we have rescued fellow walkers who have been injured in the line of duty. We are simply that considerate. We also have walking attire as we do not want to stink up the work place after our jaunts.

Words to the new group of walkers, kindly take the single file approach when passing us. We do the same. These are the rules. If you don’t like them, walk elsewhere.

It's an Exhibition. Please No Wagering

I have found a job for the stupid people who have irritated me this week, they can fill the role of Judge #3

(I am sure you've seen this before but it made me snort out loud. Just what the proverbial doctor ordered)


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report