Dear Mr. Overzealous Supplier:

I know that I generate copious amounts of reports each work day and your bailiwick is to anticipate my toner needs. However, in case you have not noticed, I do not appreciate you popping in every other day to inquire about my toner supply. Even I cannot kill that many trees as well as cloud the atmosphere with toner dust.

While I am ranting, may I suggest that if you stayed in your storefront it would greatly eliminate your ability to whine about how little time you have each day? We have Alexander Graham Bell to thank for the invention of the telephone. If I need toner on an urgent basis, how about I simply dial your digits; you have heard of Mr. Bell’s accomplishments, right?

In closing, please stop bothering me. If this is a ploy to flirt with me, I am not interested in married men. If this is simply your selling style, let this be my way of letting you know that from now on, Staples.com has just become my BFF.

Thank you to the following gentleman Kleinrock, Licklider, Roberts, Kahn, Cerf as well as Ms. Perlman for their contributions for inventing the internet! You may want to read up on them also.

Hugs & Kisses - Wicked

The Current State of Healthcare

This is one of many amusements I encounter on a daily basis, enjoy!

Staff Member #1: (sending global e-mail to all) Here’s your afternoon funny: A patient told us she would pay after she was seen. Before she left, the receptionist asked for her copay and she said she had to go to her car to get her wallet. The receptionist asked me if that was okay and I told her the patient had to sign the deferred copay form because once she reached her car she would be gone. When the patient was told this, she opted to leave her children in the office as collateral.

I think I need to call my mom and thank her for never using me as a loan.

E-mail Responder #1: Did she come back????

E-mail Responder #2: I have 4 kids – could I drop them off there sometime too?

If I could make this stuff up, I wouldn’t be writing for free.

Pre-Emptive Strike, Three and You’re Out

Thankfully, I don’t have to attend many meetings at work. Fortunately I fly under the radar in that arena. Trust me I have plenty to do; meetings would only hamper my progress.

I am required to attend an alleged quarterly meeting which now has morphed into an odd schedule. Regardless, the debates and subsequent platitudes that get launched is nothing less than comical. Even more hilarious, all but 2 people in the meeting understand where the conversation turns when the incorrect clichés are used. When eye contact ends and frantic doodling or shuffling of documents takes over, it’s a good guess that many in the room are completely lost; and they pay me to attend.

To put the nail in their own coffins, those out in the ether will intertwine the triteness into a follow up e-mail once they’ve returned to their office. Seriously, I should be paying them.

This has to be why flasks were invented. Hiccup!

Stating the Obvious

I returned home to find half of my tree laying in my front yard. I was away for the weekend and while gone, my pear tree was hit by lightning. Thankfully, the huge limb fell directly into my yard without injuring any property or individuals. It simply fell on the grass without malice waiting to be removed. No harm or foul to anyone else.

After spending a couple of nights away from home, I was eager to crawl into my own bed, watch the Tony’s and drift off to sleep. My plan was working until my doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone and since it was 9 pm I decided to ignore it. The bell rang two more times followed by incessant knocking. Whoever was at my door was not going away. I made myself presentable and answered the door.

Wicked H: (Opening only the main door, my storm door is always locked) May I help you?

Man with Dog: Hey, did you know your tree fell?

Wicked H: No? Seriously? What is it that you want?

Man with Dog: Just letting you know the tree fell.

Wicked H: Do you often knock on doors of total strangers at this hour?

Man with Dog: Well, I saw the tree and thought you should know.

Wicked H: It’s a bit hard to miss, but thanks all the same. If there is nothing else, I bid you farewell.

I locked the door and got ready for bed, again. Of course it took me quite a while to unwind. I have to admit that when I heard the insistence of the knock, I figured there might be a fire in the vicinity and a kind soul was alerting me to that fact. Instead I get a botanical report from what I guess is either a nosy neighbor or someone casing the joint. The whole scenario would have made sense if the tree was blocking the man’s efforts to walk his dog or the tree was laying on his property or vehicle. None of these was the case.

All I wanted was a peaceful end to my weekend. Instead I get Gladys’ husband and their dog.

Time Flies

It seems like just yesterday that I got the call BS was going in for an emergency cesarean section. I was in North Carolina and she in Maryland. By the time I traversed I-85, the Beltway and pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Little Wicked was hours old.

Today is her graduation from Middle School; which means in September she’ll be attending High School. How is this possible?

I just finished watching the monthly VHS videos sent to me so I wouldn’t miss her hilarious toddler antics. I will not soon forget the first time she sought my advice via phone. She had gotten into trouble as a 4-year old. She was upset because she made a “misnake.” I tried not to laugh, but what are Aunts for? The next thing you know we are at the Naval Academy swimming pool cheering her on. Hopefully she wasn’t too embarrassed. The way we were carrying on, you’d a thought she was competing in the Olympics. Only last year we sent her off to Fiji, New Zealand and Australia as an Ambassador for the People to People program.

Lil Wicked, I cannot wait to see how you continue to turn into this fantastic human being. I am sure that all the mischievous traits you have inherited from Aunt Wicked. Keep in mind that it takes brains to be precarious.

I am so very proud of you today and ALL days. Happy graduation!!!