Sunday, December 03, 2006

Santa Unedited.....

I knew Santa and I had many things in common.


Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G. I. Joe's, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you
up with a Barbie.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
or your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
my self silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
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Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!

Santa

3 comments:

EC said...

I almost spit out my water after reading that first one. That'll teach me never to drink and read a post from you again!! That was hysterical!

HotForSimon said...

Good thing my letter to Santa wasn't included there!!! LOL

Alexandra said...

Priceless! I just sent those to my niece and hope she does almost choke on her coffee too.