Attach of the Killer Chameleons

Ok, so I exaggerate a tad. I don’t do well with critters. Anything that can creep along is not for me.

I love a wood-burning fireplace. I enjoy the smell of the wood and hearing the crackling sounds. They sooth me just like the sound of the tide rolling in and out. One Fall evening I had gathered a pile of wood and began the process of staring a fire. We all have our own tricks for the perfect fire. I like to use pinecones as kindling. I also have this habit of standing in front of the fireplace with the screen wide open while I wait for the pinecones to ignite.

This particular evening as I was watching the pine cones blaze, something hurled itself out of the fireplace and onto me. Actually, there were 2 of them. Lizards! Apparently, they were living in my woodpile. They did not take kindly to being set on fire. I promise I did not see them. For if I had, I would have definitely gone without a fire that night.

I admit to screaming like a little girl while doing some kind of crazed dance in an effort to get the lizards off of me. Of course in the process I tripped over the coffee table in the living room and one of them crawled right over my neck. EWWWW!

Dexter was still a puppy then and he was very excited to have 2 new playmates. One of them was partially singed and the other had a burnt tail. The 2 critters dove under the couch in the scuttle. Great! Dexter is now barking at the couch and I am trying to remain calm and figure out how to get the intruders out of the house.

After 10 minutes, one stiff drink and a phone call to a male friend for moral support and guidance, I decided to let Dexter handle the situation. I pulled the couch and love seat to the middle of the room. He immediately bounded on Partially Singed. He batted him around between his paws enough to stun him. Then on advice from my friend I got the broom and swept Singed right on out the door. Missing Tail was smarter than his friend; he was on his way up the wall towards the ceiling. I forget how much energy Dexter had back then. It took a couple of leaps but he knocked Missing Tail to the floor and stunned him as well. Missing Tail was evicted from our house in the same manner.

Lessons learned from this event? I drop each piece of firewood on the ground several times before bringing them inside my house. I make sure the fireplace screen is closed before I ignite the kindling. At least I learn from most of my mistakes.

Bad Karma leads to Killer Chameleons. Don’t forget it!

Disappointing the Boyz in da Hood

I work with a large number of people. We have a wide variety of age ranges; I am on the older end of the age scale.

We have a good mix of college aged kids ( lovingly tagged by me as Boyz in da Hood) working with us and they keep me on my toes and hip. I like to mix it up with them. I am not their supervisor but I am in Administration so it’s amusing to them and myself during our interactions.

We have had a parking problem in our building for a while. We have an electronic conglomerate housed in the building next to ours and we are a medical facility with much traffic in and out of our parking lot. For some reason the conglomerate, which has ample parking for their employees and visitors, won’t let the employees park in their own lot for free. The logical place for the electronic cartel employees to park, in their estimation, is our lot. Now we are just as neighborly as any other business; however we need every spot we have due to the number of patients we see.

For the past month, those of us with offices facing the lot have been on parking patrol. We take down the tags of the offending parkers and turn them in to the building management. Until recently, the only action taken by the building has been to affix this very bright orange sticker on the drivers window alerting the vehicle's owner that this is not the right place to park. There are also numerous signs in our lot also explaining who can and cannot park there.

This did not stop the cartel employees from parking in our lot. Yesterday we had a brand new BMW towed. I was the one who gave the information, the building management had the Beamer towed. The Boyz were not happy with me at all.

I have been banished from our usual banter. I am now considered big time Establishment. I may have pushed them right over that edge to where they feel compelled to protest the next World Bank meeting.

Disappointing the Boyz in da Hood, now how will I be a hipster?

Stealth

The other day when I returned from work, I found 5 Verizon technicians staring intently at a 3-foot diameter hole they had dug in my yard. They seemed to be mesmerized by their efforts. It was as if the hole was speaking to them. The rest of the world was oblivious to this crew of 5.

This was more evident when my 12 year old golden retriever, Dexter, ambled down the deck’s steps and into the back yard. He doesn’t move that fast anymore so when he saw the 5 of them huddled around the opening he decided he would stick his snout into the group.

It was like watching a movie in slow motion. The first guy performed this Smokey the Bear sanctioned: stop, drop and roll maneuver. Another guy yelped and dove into the hole. The remaining 3 screamed like girls and ran about 100 steps away. Dexter remained, his tail wagging happily. He figured this was all a big game and was intently watching the guy in the hole. Once they realized Dexter was calm and non-dangerous, one by one they returned to their sunken friend and helped him out.

Dexter completed his business out side, came back up the steps and had dinner alfresco. I, after quickly changing my shirt due to spilling my drink from the hilarity of the situation below, returned back out to the deck and proceeded to relax. Who knew I’d have free entertainment that evening?

Good times!

Craptastic

Pretty much sums up the week I've been having. Not even going to honor it whith a whine fest, I refuse to give into the temptation.

Hope you all are faring better than me this week.

Be back real soon with better vibes......

Dear Over Zealous, Ecology Conscious Waste Management Patron:

I thoroughly understand your correcting us when we, God forbid, tried to toss a cardboard tube into the general trash bin. Really, if our true purpose for physically transporting our detritus all the way to the dump was to properly sort out general versus recyclable trash, your point was well taken.

I would like to point out; however, that you came perilously close to falling headfirst into the paper recycling dumpster. Was it necessary for you to pull out the 2 boxes of old medical periodicals and books, empty them of their contents and then throw both boxes back into the dumpster? Who has this kind of time? Maybe you did not notice the other 34 vehicles some patiently some rather irritatingly waiting their turn to deposit their crap into the properly labeled dumpsters.

Perhaps you should consider a weekend part time position at the waste management facility. You certainly seem to be following the facility’s mission statement. Your customer service skills could use some tweaking but nobody is perfect. You actually have me to thank. You perfectly read the expression on my face as I was depositing the 2 old kitchen cabinets doors into a dumpster that was not clearly labeled “old kitchen cabinet doors.” Had you questioned my actions, I would not have been able to guarantee your time left on our planet.

I did not believe, after spending the better part of 6 hours cleaning out my parent’s garage that we would end the day laughing to the point of uncontrollable snorting.

Yes, Internet - I occasionally snort in association with a hearty chuckle.

The Road to Good Intentions…..

…..paved our plumber's driveway.

I’m human and make many mistakes. Through my experiences, the bad ones, I have learned – I will never repeat those blunders.

My Father receives many drug samples from pharmaceutical reps that make the rounds to his office. On one of his trips abroad, I went on another clutter cleaning binge and found a ton of drugs that had expired. My Father keeps them in a recessed corner of his closet. I decided I would do him a favor and dispose of them before he returned.

The day before his return, my older sister and I went through all the expired samples and systematically emptied them from their packaging and flushed them down the toilet. We had method to our madness, we would only flush maybe 30 pills at a time. We felt that was enough time for the pills to dissolve and move through the sewer system. Three hundred pills later, we completed our mission.

Mom and Dad had a happy homecoming. That is until Dad made a midnight trip to the bathroom. Poor Dad, when he tried to flush away his evacuation his shower backed up. And up and up. The next day the plumber found our little covert pill disposal project. Turns out 300 hundred pills cannot be disposed of in such a manner. We know, NOW.

During the most current clutter clearing, we again have found many samples that need disposal. This time we will let them disintegrate in a solution of bleach and water and then flush them. It was a hard and expensive lesson but at least we learned.

Perfect for What Ails You

Mental Health Days. I cannot recommend them enough. I took one yesterday.

My older sister and I went to Annapolis on what has to be one of the more perfect Spring forecasts. We lunched At Carol’s Creek on the water. If you are ever there, may I suggest the seared tuna mixed green salad accompanied with a Tanqueray and tonic. Yummmm.

After lunch we strolled around Ego Alley which was great because the rest of the world was at work – suckers! We had the place pretty much to ourselves along with the elementary kids on field trips. We also met Noah the Boa. I am not a big fan of snakes at all but you can’t help but get to know the man with the 100 pound, twelve foot, 17 year old snake. He told us that the snake needed its sun bathing and massage time. No, I did not aid the snake by giving it a massage. There were plenty of school kids who were more than happy to oblige.

Back to reality today. Hope you all had a good extended weekend. What? You didn’t? C’est domage!

Happy Cinco De Mayo

I don't typically celebrate this day. However after the day I've had, any excuse to partake in the marguerita libations is good enough for me.

Ole!!!

Runaway Bride

I don’t know all the details about this young woman from Georgia who fabricated her abduction to elude her massive wedding. I do have a few thoughts on the matter however.

You’d think that with what appears to be a loving and supporting family she would have had someone to turn to in her time of need. I mean who has 14 bridesmaids? At least one or two of them had to be close friends, don’t you think?

I find it quite sad that her only option was to concoct the story. I do hope that when she gets some type of punishment that the authorities also add therapy to her sentence. I truly believe she needs it.