The Dreaded DMV

Back when I originally moved to East Jesus NC, I immediately broke the first rule of moving into another state. I did not register my vehicle in NC or get a NC driver’s license within 30 days. OK, so sue me. It was my way of hanging on to my roots. I didn’t particularly like the photo on my Maryland driver’s license but it was my way of not being homesick.

After 5 months of living there and one warning from a State Trooper, I made my way to the local DMV. I was warned that the female clerk at that location (it was East Jesus NC no other DMV in the vicinity) was evil. I was further instructed to not use my razor sharp wit to make my experience any easier. It’s this lady’s way or the highway. At first I didn’t believe the townies but after my employer’s wife was chased out of there due to the attempted use of razor sharp wit, I decided I would play the game as directed by the DMV Nazi.

It was also recommended that I go before her lunch break because she is much more pleasant in the mornings. Armed with all my advice, I entered the tiny DMV office. Sure enough the DMV Nazi was there with her omnipresent scowl. Luckily I was the only patron, I foolishly figured I’d be in and out of there quickly. Mistake number one. She loaded up her typewriter and began gathering my information. I have an unusually long and weird name (especially by East Jesus standards). I have mastered the perfect speed in which I recite the letters when someone asks how to spell it as they type it on a form. Even though I patiently waited while she pecked away on her keyboard, she was annoyed by the abnormality of my last name. When she asked my marital status, I could not resist the use of wit, I replied single, waiting on Mr. Smith. She actually grinned and looked me in the eye. That was a good thing because I figured she was going to kick my ass right out of there for that. Whew.

It’s now test time, by now there are 3 more victims/patrons patiently waiting. She placed the written test on the desk where she had me seated. The test was one page in length yet double sided, one in English the other side in Spanish. She gave me the exam with the Spanish side up. Mind you our entire exchange took place in English, I have no command of Spanish at all. Before she walked away from me I asked if I could take the test in English? She said with a name like mine she thought I was a Mexican. I told her I wasn’t and I took my test.

DMV Nazi was in full multi-task mode. She was registering another person for the exam, answering the phone, grading my exam and taking license photos. Thankfully I passed my exam. She took my photo and told me to have a seat in the waiting room till the picture was ready. It was close to lunchtime, I was getting worried. There were a total of 8 people in there with me. I was wondering if all of us would be dismissed at lunchtime or just the ones she had not gotten to yet. In the meantime, I hear her quietly repeating Mrs. Smith from the back and I kept looking around the room wondering why no one was responding. DMV Nazi finally came out to the waiting room with my license in hand. She said "Mrs. Smith, you have a wonderful day now, ya hear."