Brain Surgeon

Double nickels is simply the new 30 with 25 years experience.

Also, the Centers for Disease Control says that if you were born before 1956 you will likely have previously developed an immunity to the swine flu. I am here to point out any and all silver linings. You can thank me later.

Today is my sister the Brain Surgeon's birthday. Please join me in wishing her happiness today and ALL days.

Happy Birthday Sis! Let the hot flashes die down and the fun times roll!

Mwah!

Unexpected Demolition

Can't a girl just lean on the wall of her shower without all hell and tiles breaking loose?

Apparently not.



This is what I was confronted with at O-dark-thirty this very morning.

Not the best way to start the day. On the plus side, I found out rather quickly that my adrenal glands are in proper working order. No caffeine was needed to jump start this day. On the negative side, this annihilation could not have come at a worse time.

I might have to pull a Scarlett O’Hara; “Fiddle- dee-dee.” Calgon take me away? Not in this mess.

Thank goodness I have another functional shower

As the Stomach Turns

We have 3 family birthdays and a wedding anniversary that are within 10 days of each other: BIL #2, BS, mine and my parent’s wedding anniversary. This year the Rents are out of the country visiting the homeland so we won’t be making arrangements around their schedule. Birth order plays heavily in my family, it gives us structure. Although all of us are adults, we should be used to it by now.

My younger sister, Professor Countessa (PC) is very much into scheduling every second of her day. Me not so much, I am more a go with the flow kind of gal. My older sister, Brain Surgeon (BS), works the hardest and with the weirdest schedule. Her time off is precious so also not very much into scheduling her free time way in advance.

This brings me to an exhaustive round of emails that took place earlier this week. PC sent out an e-mail asking the group where and when we’d like to schedule the group birthday dinner. Again, knowing that we usually have to schedule these things around BS’s schedule, I waited to answer until I saw her response. Because PC needs instant gratification, she over utilizes the e-mail function to a point where we start ignoring all of it. This year was no different.

The long and short of it was that after we figured out when BS was available, we were asked via e-mail where we’d like to go? I answered first picking a destination equidistant to all involved. BS picked a location furthest away from the majority of the group. When I read her choice, I was shocked because her husband BIL#1 doesn’t usually like to travel more than 10 miles away from his own zip code.

PC then took all the information, and chose the location that SHE wanted the most. When she relayed the info she stated that since BS was the eldest, we were going to defer to her choice. PC then wrote one more e-mail choosing a time that suited her needs letting us know that she would take one for the team and make the reservation. Not to be outdone, BIL#1 voiced his objection to the time and BS responded by stating that the reservation needed to be made for an hour earlier than PC chose.

Soap opera scripts have less twists and turns.

Pointless Drivel

Gah!

The short work weeks are painful. Add to them the useless meeting, torture.

Friday afternoon cannot get here quick enough.

So, how’s life with all of you?

Labor Day

No work today, unless you are in the hospitality or retail business. Definitely no school today but be prepared for the onslaught of extra traffic the next day and throughout the school year. The last day of white to be worn although there are many offenders, we should start a whole twitter page to list any offenses. Also the symbolic last day of summer, go to the pool, have a picnic or cookout.

My hope for this coming year is that next Labor Day our unemployment rate won’t be as high so that more of us can understand the true meaning behind the holiday. In these times it seems bitter sweet.

Strange Encounter in the Loo

The building I work in houses many professional businesses. Many of which are medical facilities, the whole realm from basic medical to specialty dental.

While in the public restroom for our floor, I encountered a bratty display of hilarity.

Brat with Impending Dental Appointment (BWIDA): (Whining to her Mother) You ALWAYS make me brush before the dentist, I hate it!
Mother: Oh honey, it won’t kill you. You brush while I use the facilities.
BWIDA: (Heavy sigh) Fine!

I am now out of the stall and washing my hands, BWIDA at the sink next to me. She is brushing her index finger vigorously while I am washing my hands, casting glances at me to see if I will give her up.

Mother: Are you doing a really good job?
BWIDA: Oh yes! I am all done.

I am drying my hands as the Mother comes out of the stall to see her newly “brushed” precious daughter happily sucking down a milkshake.

Mother: What was the purpose of brushing your teeth if you are going to drink the milkshake? You’ll have to do it again!

Poor Bratty McBrat Brat…..

Wanted – Acting Lessons

It must just be me.

Could I possibly be the only woman on the planet who does not enjoy any type of shower? Wedding, Baby - none of it.

When the genes for shower adoration were being passed out, I must have been in the extra sarcasm line. It’s not that I am jealous or dislike the shower recipient; I just don’t have the warm and fuzzy feeling while each gift is being opened.

Here, I will practice the typical reactions heard during the gift reveal:
1) Oooooooo
2) Ahhhhhh
3) Awwwww
4) That would look perfect on the baby/in your new home/on your wedding night.


Good, right? Help me. Have I missed any of the key audible responses? I need you!

Perhaps a dose of insulin is indicated. You know for all the sweetness.

Wish me luck!

You Know Things are not Going Well…..

…..when your car gets towed from the Employee of the Month parking spot.

Unfortunately, I came upon it as the car was being hooked up to the rig. I am not quite sure if the car in fact belonged to the employee of the month or if someone parked there in error.

If it was the former, that is one hell of a way to find out you are no longer employed. If it was the latter, the guy got exactly what he deserved.

Discuss.

Mood Enhancer

I find this photo makes me smile. It has been one of those days.

If it works for you also, then you are most welcome.

Card Carrying Teenager

It’s official, Lil Wicked is a teenager. We have survived tweendom and are moving full throttle into sophistication. I knew we’d hit the milestone when she asked me to help pack up all her beanie babies, gone all of them. Oh Boy!

I wasn’t too sure about the whole Auntie thing fourteen years ago. I am extremely happy to report that Lil Wicked has been a real joy, the best first niece EVER!! Who else would put up and enjoy (for the most part) the antics of this Aunt? Lil Wicked, that’s who. I have enjoyed the young woman she has developed into and cannot wait to see what the future brings.

Join me in wishing Lil Wicked a very Happy Birthday!

Let Freedom Ring!

Happy 233rd Birthday America!



You all have a safe and Happy 4th!

Dear Mr. Overzealous Supplier:

I know that I generate copious amounts of reports each work day and your bailiwick is to anticipate my toner needs. However, in case you have not noticed, I do not appreciate you popping in every other day to inquire about my toner supply. Even I cannot kill that many trees as well as cloud the atmosphere with toner dust.

While I am ranting, may I suggest that if you stayed in your storefront it would greatly eliminate your ability to whine about how little time you have each day? We have Alexander Graham Bell to thank for the invention of the telephone. If I need toner on an urgent basis, how about I simply dial your digits; you have heard of Mr. Bell’s accomplishments, right?

In closing, please stop bothering me. If this is a ploy to flirt with me, I am not interested in married men. If this is simply your selling style, let this be my way of letting you know that from now on, Staples.com has just become my BFF.

Thank you to the following gentleman Kleinrock, Licklider, Roberts, Kahn, Cerf as well as Ms. Perlman for their contributions for inventing the internet! You may want to read up on them also.

Hugs & Kisses - Wicked

The Current State of Healthcare

This is one of many amusements I encounter on a daily basis, enjoy!

Staff Member #1: (sending global e-mail to all) Here’s your afternoon funny: A patient told us she would pay after she was seen. Before she left, the receptionist asked for her copay and she said she had to go to her car to get her wallet. The receptionist asked me if that was okay and I told her the patient had to sign the deferred copay form because once she reached her car she would be gone. When the patient was told this, she opted to leave her children in the office as collateral.

I think I need to call my mom and thank her for never using me as a loan.

E-mail Responder #1: Did she come back????

E-mail Responder #2: I have 4 kids – could I drop them off there sometime too?

If I could make this stuff up, I wouldn’t be writing for free.

Pre-Emptive Strike, Three and You’re Out

Thankfully, I don’t have to attend many meetings at work. Fortunately I fly under the radar in that arena. Trust me I have plenty to do; meetings would only hamper my progress.

I am required to attend an alleged quarterly meeting which now has morphed into an odd schedule. Regardless, the debates and subsequent platitudes that get launched is nothing less than comical. Even more hilarious, all but 2 people in the meeting understand where the conversation turns when the incorrect clichés are used. When eye contact ends and frantic doodling or shuffling of documents takes over, it’s a good guess that many in the room are completely lost; and they pay me to attend.

To put the nail in their own coffins, those out in the ether will intertwine the triteness into a follow up e-mail once they’ve returned to their office. Seriously, I should be paying them.

This has to be why flasks were invented. Hiccup!

Stating the Obvious

I returned home to find half of my tree laying in my front yard. I was away for the weekend and while gone, my pear tree was hit by lightning. Thankfully, the huge limb fell directly into my yard without injuring any property or individuals. It simply fell on the grass without malice waiting to be removed. No harm or foul to anyone else.

After spending a couple of nights away from home, I was eager to crawl into my own bed, watch the Tony’s and drift off to sleep. My plan was working until my doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone and since it was 9 pm I decided to ignore it. The bell rang two more times followed by incessant knocking. Whoever was at my door was not going away. I made myself presentable and answered the door.

Wicked H: (Opening only the main door, my storm door is always locked) May I help you?

Man with Dog: Hey, did you know your tree fell?

Wicked H: No? Seriously? What is it that you want?

Man with Dog: Just letting you know the tree fell.

Wicked H: Do you often knock on doors of total strangers at this hour?

Man with Dog: Well, I saw the tree and thought you should know.

Wicked H: It’s a bit hard to miss, but thanks all the same. If there is nothing else, I bid you farewell.

I locked the door and got ready for bed, again. Of course it took me quite a while to unwind. I have to admit that when I heard the insistence of the knock, I figured there might be a fire in the vicinity and a kind soul was alerting me to that fact. Instead I get a botanical report from what I guess is either a nosy neighbor or someone casing the joint. The whole scenario would have made sense if the tree was blocking the man’s efforts to walk his dog or the tree was laying on his property or vehicle. None of these was the case.

All I wanted was a peaceful end to my weekend. Instead I get Gladys’ husband and their dog.

Time Flies

It seems like just yesterday that I got the call BS was going in for an emergency cesarean section. I was in North Carolina and she in Maryland. By the time I traversed I-85, the Beltway and pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Little Wicked was hours old.

Today is her graduation from Middle School; which means in September she’ll be attending High School. How is this possible?

I just finished watching the monthly VHS videos sent to me so I wouldn’t miss her hilarious toddler antics. I will not soon forget the first time she sought my advice via phone. She had gotten into trouble as a 4-year old. She was upset because she made a “misnake.” I tried not to laugh, but what are Aunts for? The next thing you know we are at the Naval Academy swimming pool cheering her on. Hopefully she wasn’t too embarrassed. The way we were carrying on, you’d a thought she was competing in the Olympics. Only last year we sent her off to Fiji, New Zealand and Australia as an Ambassador for the People to People program.

Lil Wicked, I cannot wait to see how you continue to turn into this fantastic human being. I am sure that all the mischievous traits you have inherited from Aunt Wicked. Keep in mind that it takes brains to be precarious.

I am so very proud of you today and ALL days. Happy graduation!!!

Ring Around the Hallway

I work in an office building with the standard layout; the elevator is in the center of the hallway forming a square column. It’s a five story building with perhaps six to ten suites on each floor depending on the size of the business.

I have twelve suitemates and lately they’ve been grumbling about the goings on in the hallway. You see the restrooms flank the elevator one on either side. It appears that there a couple of women of Asian descent who circle the hallway three times a day. You can set your clock by their walks. Militant strollers we have coined them.

Generally how one wants to stretch their legs on any given day should not be an issue. However, these women who are small in stature walk side by side which would also not be odd except that they are on their cell phones chatting up a storm. It has been determined by my suitemates that one may be conversing in Mandarin and the other Vietnamese. (Apparently, I work with linguists, who knew?) The point is this; they are so engrossed with their conversations that they are unaware of the traffic jam they create. They move rather swiftly on their rounds however if you encounter them at the entrance of the restroom they do not yield the right of way. This is causing great discord for the entire floor.

Once while waiting for the elevator they passed me ten times. I’ve watched the group of engineers also with offices on the floor try to suggest that they walk single file to no avail. I have decided that this is their way of retaliating against perhaps a smoker who gets a few breathing treatments in per day. Others in my office are dying to know why they simply do not exercise outdoors. For some reason we are reluctant to ask. Perhaps it is because none of us speaks either Mandarin or Vietnamese.

The quandaries of life such as they are, I have altered my restroom times. I don’t have the energy to dance with the militant strollers. Suggestions anyone?

The Greatest Casualty is Being Forgotten

Freedom Is Not Free

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
He'd stand out in a crowd.
I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years.
How many had died on foreign soil?
How many mothers' tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom is not free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
when everything was still
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant "Amen"
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
Of mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
with interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington...
No, freedom is not free.


Author Unknown

Forgive Me Blogosphere...

...It has been two weeks since my last post. What can I say, the weather definitely affected my mood? I could serve penance. Instead I’ll give you a brief recap of life in the land of Wicked.

* Recently, The Troll appeared in our office. Fortunately for her, our receptionist had not a clue as to her identity. I am sure her balloon was deflated but don’t you worry, she’ll be back to visit.

* I have learned of the passing of a treasured Uncle of very close friends of our Family. When they hurt, we hurt. “P” my heart is heavy for you and the entire family - hugs.

* Also, a work friend is watching her young daughter slowly pass before her eyes. The fact that the whole scenario is happening and that I can do nothing to ease her pain, breaks my heart.

* Pet Whisperer and Fly Boy are making progress on the retirement home. I am well aware that I may have to bail them each out for committing felonies against the builder and his wife, the decorator. On the upside, once the waterfront castle is built, I have my own master suite. Yay!

* Google, Little Wicked’s golden doodle, committed rabitcide. He thought it was a play toy wandering in his yard and it met an untimely death. Google reported that the rascally rabbit tasted more like chicken.

* Little Wicked is graduating from Middle School and on her way to High School. OMG!

There you have it, some ups and downs. Instead of reciting Hail Mary’s I am going to whip up a batch of martinis and hope the bad things come to an end soon.

How’ve you all been?

Wanted: Crew to Help Build Ark

Enough already! Rain, you are killing me.

I keep humming the theme to “Annie” but it is not working.

I am gathering animals two by two. Needed second emu.

If not available, please send sun!