Dear Mr. Squirrel(s):

Spring is here. I have filled the 2 bird feeders on the deck and you are more than welcome to graze on them until your feeder arrives. Yes, you read that correctly. I have bought you and your furry friends you own feeders.

Nothing makes me happier than sitting on my deck watching the birds and you and your compatriots frolicking and feeding. I draw the line at your destroying the flower boxes and eating my tomatoes and herbs. I beseech you to keep away from the foliage and vegetables.

You have one week to get your act together. Otherwise, I will be dousing the flower boxes and herb and veggie garden with capsaicin powder. With my luck, you’ll use the tomatoes and herbs and make one spicy batch of salsa.

If I have to build chicken coops around everything, I will. Don’t make me count to three!

Hugs and Kisses

Wicked

Kismet

Please join me in wishing both my Parents a very happy 80 something birthday. I believe we stopped counting after 80. We should all be so lucky to have our health after that age.

It had to have been destiny that brought my parents together. Same birthdays, day, month and year. Born in the same country but in different cities. If I am not mistaken, Mom may be a few hours older. It is rare, as are they.

I am blessed to have been raised by such a pair. They are a trip without luggage, in the best possible sense.

Here is to many more Mom & Dad. Wishing you happiness today and ALL days.



Hugs and Kisses Wicked and the rest of the Gang

The Principles of Proper Grammar

(This was passed on to me. After I fell off my chair from the laughter, I decided to share - enjoy!)



On his 66th birthday, a gentleman got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being
persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that,
you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can
perform as long as you want."

He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!



ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

Dear Department Store Portrait Photographer:

I use the term photographer very loosely. I am sure that you have been trained in some capacity to arrange a multi-generational family in order to snap a few photos. Although, after our session today, perhaps you are a product of the employment down turn and this is your interim job.

In case you missed the training or it was above or beneath you, I am going to give you a few pointers. Like it or not, you are in a Customer Service business. Would it have killed you to demonstrate of modicum of pleasantness? Your constant scowl was more than a little off putting. Our family consists of three generations ranging in age from 2 through 84. Asking my parents to straddle a coupe of pieces of styrofoam was crossing the line. Luckily Maternal Countessa did not allow them to even attempt the pose. After that, things went downhill.

It is no wonder that the pictures you presented us with were less than par. There were 9 of us in the portrait. Between you asking me to kneel in a very uncomfortable and awkward position and then asking us to wave frantically at some sensor above our heads to get your flash to work, it was quite difficult to agree upon any pictures. To be honest, I only agreed to the one so that our ordeal could end quicker.

This picture far outshines the one we purchased:



I wonder who took their photo?

Maybe next year we will do more research and find a photographer that will a) actually enjoy their work and b) their enjoyment will rub off on us.

Love and Kisses - Wicked

Change is Good

I spent this weekend packing, moving and unpacking my office. In the soon to be seven years working for this company, I have moved locations a grand total of 5 times.

This time I had a team of 7 moving with me. Previously, it has always been just me moving; we have since grown. I have the procedure down to a science; my team mates were struggling. I now posses a sweet corner office with a panoramic view of Lord & Taylor at Fair Oaks Mall and a birds eye view of Route 50. If you are a local reader and ever need a traffic update, just let me know. My team mates are so thrilled to be in such close proximity to a Mall. I, being allergic to shopping, am not that impressed.

I am simply happy for two things; 1) my own office and 2) to continue my employment with a company who is in a growth spurt.

Change is good. Change is inevitable. In our case, for now, change is security.

Laughter, Always the Best Prescription

Physicians' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package:

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pis$ed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the as$holes in Washington.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Recently it was my turn to be supportive of my older sister the Brain Surgeon. As life does, it threw her a slight curve and she had to take the role of patient. No need to panic, all is well.

While waiting for my sister to get through her minor surgical procedure, I had the displeasure of sharing the Ambulatory Surgery Center waiting room with one other person. We all deal with stress in different ways. Suffice it to say that the gentleman in the waiting room deals with stress by remaining connected. Who needs three cell phones? Seriously! This guy had one blue tooth dangling off his ear, one on his belt and the other in his hand. I thought the folks in NYC were terrific multi taskers until I spent two quality hours with Mr. Connected.

Not only was he able to conduct three simultaneous phone conversations he was also able to follow his stories on TV. So much so that during key scenes of One Life to Live and General Hospital he was able to stop his conference calls temporarily and focus on plot lines.

He was able to solve the following problems during his wait:

* Arranged child care for the baby
* Line up 8 detail jobs across the bridge(Bay Bridge) which would earn him $500 each
* Give one of his family members incorrect directions to the Surgery Center
* Use his pocket knife to clean his nails
* Continue to give wrong directions to the Surgery Center
* Figured out who attacked the female character on the stretcher on One Life to Live
* Gave up on directions and handed one of the cell phones to the receptionist who guided the family member to the Center
* Received a recipe for soup from one call; simple soup - chicken necks simmered in water
* Attempted and failed to help someone with homework, “wait for your Mama to get home”

Oy! I was exhausted just listening to him. Although he was a great distraction.

Mother Nature Goes Through Menopause

See this?





Friday it was 70 degrees here!

My office never closes for weather, today is the first time.

Thank you Mother Nature!!

Most Excellent Adventure!

What do you do when your good friend lets you know her husband is out of town for the weekend and she does not want to stay home? You jokingly suggest a road trip and she agrees!

Since we did not come up with this epiphany until late last night, we are simply hitting the road and wherever we end up will begin the adventure. It goes without saying that the martini back pack is at the ready and we both decided to bring an overnight bag just in case.

Check, check and double check.

Will give full report upon return. This is how we roll.



Have a great weekend, I know I will!

Ciao!

Marketing 101 ?

Sign over a Gynecologists's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
At a Tire Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

Because Only Friends Know What is Best for You

Look what I got for Valentine’s Day!!






The instructions are as follows:
Place your lucky grow toy in a large container of room temperature water. Your grow toy may take up to 10 days to grow completely; up to 600%

What more could I need???

Will show you what he looks like in 10 days.

Happy Valentine’s Day one and all!

Annoyances

I am a firm believer that if you are contagious, you should stay at home and keep your germs to yourself. I do not understand those who show up to infect the rest of us with no regard for the better good. People, use your days off wisely. If I hear one more co-worker bemoan the PTO (paid time off) system of our workplace as the perfect excuse to spread the plague, someone is going to get hurt.

Our trip to New York was fabulous but I contracted the cold that was being spread by at least 5 co-workers. Once my health resumes and I get my work caught up, I will give you all the details.

If you catch this awful cold, guaifenesin is your friend. Take the maximum dose, ingest ibuprofin and acetaminophen alternately every four hours, lots of hot tea, rest and for the love of God, do not infect your workplace. Take the time off!!!!!

Stay well friends.

Start Spreading the News

The sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked are headed out to the Big Apple.

Originally we were going to take our Uncle who was visiting. Since his plans fell through, we decided why not? Our only concrete plans are the hotel reservations. We have no itinerary; these are the best trips. I am sure we will catch at least a couple of shows and of course much walking, sightseeing and great food.

The martini backpack is all stocked and ready to consume. You all have a great weekend. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. If you do, don’t forget to share.

See ya!

Potato, Potah-to....Dallas, Dulles

Helpful hints from Wicked H:

If you have any family members planing to visit you from overseas, make sure that whoever is purchasing their plane tickets understands the intricacies between Dallas International Airport and Dulles International Airport. Trust me, we learned the hard way.

Despite being separated by oceans and living on separate continents, my family is very close. We take a visit from any member very seriously and with great joy. We were all ready to send out the welcoming committee to Dulles on Friday afternoon, my favorite Uncle was flying in for a month long visit. A week before, my elderly parents were in constant contact with him and the family overseas and reported the flight numbers to me as I was in charge of picking him up from Dulles.

It is a very long, drawn out story. The Reader’s Digest version is this; his final destination was Dallas International not Dulles International. The only silver lining in this story is that he realized the error while still in his home country rather than either Frankfurt Germany where he was to change planes towards the U.S. or even worse he was waiting in Dallas and we were waiting in Dulles. Due to the lack of his English language skills, his ailing health and elderly age, he chose to cancel the trip altogether.

I can’t say that I blame him, it doesn’t make us any less disappointed. My further helpful hint is to be very anal about reservations for such a trip. Triple check your airports before buying the ticket.

(The music by George Gershwin, the lyrics by Ira Gershwin)
You say eether and I say eyether,
You say neether and I say nyther;
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto,
You like tomato and I like tomahto;
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!

8-6-7-5-3-0-9

This was sent to me by my sister the brain surgeon:

Call this number (215)475-5083 It will provide a smile......no tricks involved

You think she is trying to tell me something?

National Theatre Intermission Decorum

Dear Male Patrons of the Jan 4th Matinee Showing of West Side Story:

Perhaps it is the anxiousness caused by the recession. Although with a packed house, it’s hard to believe one exists.

I can be 100% honest when I tell you that when I JOKINGLY suggested that the 47 women in line to use the facilities storm the men’s room of the balcony level in an effort to move the process along, I did not think anyone would listen to me. I was horribly wrong.

It is with my sincerest apologies that my female fellow theatre goers took over your sacred room. When you gotta go, you just gotta go. I held out for the ladies room just to be clear.

I believe when the women started snapping their fingers and quietly hummed the Jets anthem, you guys lost the battle. Ooops. I promise to keep my opinions to myself, next time.

If you are in the area or the show will stop in your city, I highly recommend it. I would also suggest you getting a script for Detrol, then everyone attending can avoid the intermission debacles.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked

Happy New Year

I've never been one for resolutions. In 2009 my resolution will be to make none; less pressure. I will do my best to let the small stuff slide and enjoy each day to it's fullest.

That is why Martinis were invented my friends.

I toast you Internet:

Here's wishing you more happiness
Than all my words can tell,
Not just alone for New Years Eve
But for all the year as well.

This Greeting has Been Cleared by My Attorney

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)



From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 24th day of December two thousand and eight.

Fa La La La La La La La Laaaaaaaaa

This evenings conversation between my good friend, the Pet Whisperer and I:

Pet Whisperer: (who routinely calls me while commuting back from work) As soon as I get home, I need to make the DAMN cookies.

Wicked: Geez, what kind of cookies are you going to make?

Pet Whisperer: Pinwheels!!!!

Wicked: Can’t you just make drop cookies like the rest of us?

Pet Whisperer: They are my husband and son’s favorites!

Wicked: Surely there is a bakery that we can buy them from. I will do the leg work, seriously.

Pet Whisperer: It won’t be the same.

Wicked: Oh my God. Who told you to make it a Martha Stewart Christmas?

I am still hoping that perhaps her cell phone simply dropped the call. I really think she hung up on me.

Shoe Pocalypse

Tis the season for hilarity.

If nothing else, the ole boy can dodge a pair of shoes.

His legacy has been formed.