Discriminating Debate

Over the weekend we had a belated birthday cookout for my Parents. Yes, I meant both parents. They were born on the same day, month and year; my Mom is a few hours older than my Dad. Soul mates for sure.

While enjoying our dinner the topic turned to American Idol. I have admitted on this site that the show has lost my interest but I do still DVR it and fast forward through most of it. I am familiar with the contestants and do not really have an allegiance to any one in particular.

Both my B-I-Ls made a rather odd statement about the show this year that I thought I’d share here. B-I-L 2 stated that he was glad Carly was gone because she wasn’t American. B-I-L 1 stated that he felt the exact same way when the Australian contestant was eliminated. I was a little shocked by both their statements as every one of us around the table have an ethnic heritage.

Wicked: (question to B-I-L 1) Just where exactly are you from?

BIL 1: Millersville!

Wicked: Try again.

BIL 1: Oh, okay...PA.

Wicked: Your roots are?

BIL 1: Italian.

BIL 2: I know what you mean, every single contestant is from some where else. Couldn’t they find Americans?

Wicked: Um guys, unless Simon Cowell goes up to the Native American Reservations and searches for contestants from there, the show is representative of America. The melting pot. The reason your ancestors and my parents came to this country. Land of opportunity, etc.

I have never cleared a room so fast in my life. I will have to use this tool again, soon.

Fashionably Late, as Usual

In honor of Earth Day/Week, I have adopted a new pet. Rather, the pet has adopted my abode.

Now I will have you know that the old Wicked’s instinct would have been to swat at the critter and scream like a girl. Possibly breaking a hip while hurling myself down the front steps. I’ll have you know that the new, improved Wicked has become more nature friendly.

Behold, the beauty that has taken residence on my porch light.


Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to name that moth.

Ready. Go!

Sign of the Times

It doesn't matter to me who you'll vote for; it matters more that you snorted out loud.

Happy weekend kids!

Dear Neighbor:

Let me preface this by letting you know I am an avid dog lover. LOVE. DOGS.

However, the incessant barking and annoying whelping of your two chows are absolutely killing me. We do not know each other well enough for me to give you advice personally on how to give your dogs the attention they are obviously craving. Therefor I am going to let you know here. Otherwise, I am going to lose my mind.

Look lady. The postage stamp size fenced in back yard of yours is most definitely not enough for them to exercise. I’ve seen them on leashes when you transport them to and from your vehicle, they seem to enjoy the leash. How about taking them for at least one daily stroll. Seriously, our neighborhood is extremely dog friendly. At any given moment, there are at least five dogs out strolling with their owners. Guess what? You never hear any of the exercised dogs constantly barking and whelping while out in their respective decks/yards. Why? Because they know their surroundings first hand and they are simply enjoying the fresh air.

Luckily, I leave for work everyday right around the time both of your furry ones are pleading to be let back into the house. The first time I heard the gut wrenching yelping, I ran out onto my deck at O Dark Thirty because I was sure someone was mutilating one or both. All they want is to be let back in for some attention indoors. Hearing the yelping noise in stereo is not only unsettling but down right uncourteous to the rest of the neighborhood.

I am begging you to show your pups some love. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that they simply do not enjoy spending more than twenty minutes on your deck. They want in. Try the walks. It couldn’t hurt.

Don’t make me have to call Cesar the Whisperer

Swamped

Many things going on sending me into funk-o-mania.

Please send new cocktail recipes.

Hugs & Kisses

Wicked

Snorty and Hacky

Words used to describe the vibe of Grand Parents Day at Lil Wicked’s school.

She comes by it honestly. I have reached the pinnacle of Auntie pride.

God, I love that kid!

Carbon Dating

Netflix enabled me to take a very nostalgic trip down memory lane this weekend. It was the perfect antidote for what ailed me. We lost a very dear friend of the family this week and I needed some sort of distraction.

I just finished a semi marathon viewing of one of my favorite police dramas. The show was The Mod Squad and “Pete Cochran” was my first ever TV crush. Comparing today’s police dramas to the Squad is very painful. Primitive police work of the late sixties, early seventies; forensics weren’t even invented.



If you have some time to waste, find one of your old favorites and watch them. Try to remember what endeared you to the show in the first place. Good ole Pete with his ascots and bell bottoms was the right dose of quirk I needed.

Do you remember your first TV crush? I’d love to hear all about it.

Note to Self

If I make the calculated error of attending next year’s Easter Brunch at my Parent’s neighborhood Country Club, remember to keep comments regarding the mangy Easter bunny costume to a low whisper.

Apparently, the Country Club President was in ear shot.

In my defense, the Bunny did look like he was suffering from the Mange. I suggest the Prez invest in a new bunny costume next year. My niece walked away with a clump of fur along with every other child who participated in the obligatory photo op.

People, I cannot make this stuff up.

Installing a Husband

(I am single, however this had me snorting out loud - Enjoy!)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.

Randomness Tag

I have been tagged by QDB to list six random items about myself. Since I have a bit of free time on my hands this week, I decided to play along.

1. My days of being everyone’s nurturer/caretaker are gone. My Mom told me a long time ago that I need to learn to be a little selfish. It’s against my nature, so along with many other sage pieces of advice passed onto me from Mom I simply dismissed the idea. A few events happened over a course of a few years and finally my eyes opened. I have eliminated the counterproductive drama from my life. Although I don’t believe myself to be narcissistic, I try to think of my needs first and all else second. It has taken more than a few years to understand and trust this new way of thinking but I am a better person for it.

2. I may be one of a very few females who dislikes shopping. Let me clarify, I dislike shopping in stores. I love the ease and comfort of pointing and clicking my way to bargains and treasures online. The thought of spending my cherished free (non-working) time fighting someone over a parking space or playing bumper carts in a grocery store, sucks the life right out of me. Those of you, which includes both my sisters and Mom, who find solace in shopping, kudos to you. I simply do not find anything relaxing about the whole ordeal.

3. I am an avid dog lover. However, the loss of my golden retriever is still so very painful that I don’t think I will ever get another dog. Dexter and I had 13 wonderful years together but I will never forget the pain I felt the day I had to take him to be put down. I know many of us have had terrific pets/furry children in our lives but he can never be replaced. Also I don’t think I have the emotional strength to ever have to go through losing a pet in that way again. Maybe I am a coward.

4. I don’t have any children of my own but I am thoroughly enjoying being the best Aunt I can be. It amazes me that my two nieces who are the brightest lights in my life have inherited some of my traits. Look at these faces, how can you do anything but smile and fall in love? They are cousins to each other but can pass for sisters.


5. My friend Pet Whisperer and I are on a quest to find the perfect chocolate martini in the Metro DC area. Seriously, no joke. We have compiled all our research into a spread sheet. So far the best one served to us was consumed in an out of the way German restaurant in East Jesus Virginia, who knew? Our typical analysis involves a non traditional martini before our meal, wine with the meal and a chocolate martini for dessert. Do not drink and drive folks, always have a designated driver.

6. Laughter is the best medicine on the planet. I make sure I enjoy a hearty belly laugh at least once a day, more like once an hour. I am known as the spirit lifter at work. I am frequently called upon to make someone laugh. Laughter comes easier when you learn how not to sweat the small stuff.

I am not going to tag anyone specifically but if you’d like to partake, feel free.

Bi-Annual Respite

Forgive me Interwebs for it has been more than a couple of weeks since I have blogged.

You see although work has been the best it ever has, the load was dragging me down. Trust me when I tell you that this is not a whine, simply a description. It has taken 4 months to stabilize the new administration along with it’s support forces. The timing could not be better as my vacation has rolled around. I am ecstatic to report that I will be on another of my no itinerary vacays for the next week. After which I predict things around here will return back to normal or abnormal as the case may be.

I am counting on all of you to behave yourselves; you know who you are. I have my peeps around to make sure that there is no excessive fun being had without my involvement.

Capiche?

Perhaps It’s Just Me

I am sitting here trying to enjoy American Idol now that I am allegedly viewing the most talented bunch in the history of the show.

Eh, not so much. I am not feeling it. At. All.

May I have the envelope please? AI has officially jumped the shark as far as I am concerned.

Thoughts, concerns? Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

Yawn.

Worth the Price of Admission

Since I haven’t seen a single movie up for Oscar nomination, I prefer to watch the red carpet coverage on E!

I just watched Gary Busey completely ruin the interview between Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Garner. I hope they show a clip on You Tube. In short, Gary pretty much accosted Ms. Garner’s neck in mid interview. She had no idea who Gary Busey was, she was pretty traumatized. I am not sure who was more terrorized, Jennifer or Ryan.

My recommendation to Mr. Busey is to drop by one of many rehab centers available to him. If you cannot time your drugs perfectly, it is definitely time to check into rehab.

I notice that my martini glass is empty, I am dashing off for a refill.

If you are going to watch the Oscars, enjoy!

Anatomy of an Idiot

Seriously, this could not have worked out better if I had a hand in it myself. Sadly, I can take no credit. It does make me mindful of something my Grand Mother used to say “dream big in case it comes true!”

Truth be told, I had completely gotten over the inconsequential gnat. I am a mature woman who honestly has been through every bizarre mind trip a work place can throw at you. So this twit stopped being a blip on my radar a good 2 months ago. Sure, her grandiosely immature ways bugged the living poop right out of me in the beginning. However, once I realized her existence was the destruction of my otherwise serene workplace, I simply put my good coping skills in gear and poof, she mattered not.

Watching her wield her moronic scenarios became rather entertaining. Puppetry of the Pinhead, would have made great theater. Actually I was a bit dejected watching others fall all over themselves to make her demands come true. Maybe dejected is the wrong word, cynical might be better.

In any case, in the end the white hats win and all is much better in the workplace. One would have to take the understated hint when confronted with the absolute demonstration of glee from two otherwise very controlled professionals. If I am not mistaken, there was a slight glint when I was told the replacement would begin Monday.

Good riddance, don’t let your navi fail you on the way out of town.

Smelly Turns One!

What is the perfect present for a one year old?



Tissue paper!!!

Everyone, join me in wishing my niece a very happy birthday and all the tissue paper she can destroy.

“Who’s on First,” the 2008 Version

(Listen, if anyone knows who the original author is buy him/her a beer and put it on my tab)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

Robots: Rosie Versus the Roomba

This past Christmas, all my Mother wanted was a Roomba a robotic vacuum cleaner. You have to keep in mind that my Mom is neither a spring chicken nor computer savvy. Ditto for my Dad.

So we did what all good children do, we pooled our dollars and purchased the Roomba. While my Mom was quite pleased, the rest of us were quietly grumbling. It is very difficult to teach your parents how to master new gadgets, triple hard if said contraptions are computerized.

A couple weekends ago I was visiting the family and was called upon to teach Mom how to use the Roomba. Unfortunately, she waited until a couple of hours before I was to head back home so all I could really do was insert the battery and set it up to be charged for sixteen hours. I was able to go over the instructions with her. When I read to her that the Roomba would take 45 minutes to vacuum one room, she was not pleased. She thought that the Roomba was going to rival good ole Rosie from the Jetsons.


She assumed that the Roomba would go back and forth in a room a few times and bing, bang boom the room would be dust free. When I explained to my parental units that the Roomba would need to detect dirt and dust and oh by the way they would definitely have to clear the piles of stuff on every square inch of the floors for the thing to be effective, they all but kicked me out of the house.

It was right about then that I remembered why I live an hour and a half away. Sometimes my brilliance amazes even me.

The following Monday, my Mom called me at work with a lilt in her tone. I asked her what was up and she could not stop talking about her new friend Roomba. It appears that my BIL went over after it was charged and he spent a few hours making sure she and my Dad learned the ins and outs of the Roomba.

Miraculously, the machine was able to clean like a charm albeit slowly. But you know what? The parental units are rather slow by now too, so it all works out in the wash. (Pun entirely intended) So the Sisters Wicked scored big time with this year’s gift and Mom AND Dad are happy. Trust me. This is very difficult to achieve.

The Roomba has saved the day. She invites her friends over in small groups to demonstrate the thing and aks why their children are not as generous. (“P” if you are reading this, I apologize in advance!)

Behold, my new favorite family member:

Roomba. Although my Mom has given it a human name, as long as she is happy and neither of them breaks a hip tripping over it.

Last I checked, my Dad was trying it out as an electric coaster. I had to remind him that it is a computer that probably should not try to balance drinks on top of it.

A Dose of Culture

Heading out to the Kennedy Center for Performing Arts for our yearly dose of refinement.

Last year the Sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked were embarrassingly shushed by an octogenarian with a newly installed hearing aide battery. We honestly were not that loud. We quietly were trying to explain the complicated plot twist of the ballet Othello to Lil Wicked. The gentleman in front of us was not so understanding.

Today we have the privilege of seeing the Kirov Ballet perform. This time around I have sent a synopsis of the ballet to each of the attendees so that we may keep our whispering to a strict minimum.

Wish us luck or have bail money ready. You never really know once we are all unleashed in public together.

MLK Day

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” MLK

I want you to consider this the next time you think about not speaking out on an issue that comes to your attention. Those of you with the day off, at least take a moment to remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In Honor fo Blonde Follicles

(Listen, I’ve got nothing. However, this one made me snort out loud - enjoy!)

A fellow wanted his porch painted so he got several bids. The lowest bid came from a blonde. Her bid was so much less than the other bids but the man was reluctant to give her the job. But after his wife gave him a hard time about being sexist, he decided to have the blonde paint his porch.

When she arrived the next morning he said “There might not be enough paint to paint the entire porch, so if you run low, just let me know and I’ll go to the paint store to buy more.”

A few hours later the blonde rang his doorbell and said “I just wanted to let you know that I’m finished with the job and there was plenty of paint left over. By the way, just in case you didn’t know, that’s a Lexus not a Porsche.