Subtle Incongruity

The separation of wheat from chaff is in full force and the neurotics are now basically laying in wait. They have gone from full blown parading to curling up into the fetal position.

It’s an odd thing to watch. I have lived this process for the third time now. It came close to killing me the last time but since then I have become stronger. I am of the mind set of keeping my nose to the grind stone and watching the story board develop.



Soon there will be many horses riding into this sunset. Let the conversions begin.

Closeness only Counts in Horseshoes

Thank goodness because this:



is no where near what mine looks like. I don’t have all those pesky shelves.

Next time I announce I am going on vacation, someone remind me of this.

So, how are things with all of you?

Reality, Bring It!

Okay. I have returned, refreshed, relaxed and ready to tackle whatever comes my way.

There were plenty of Merman eye candy to ogle(I only looked, did not touch), miles of beach to hike and an endless supply of libations to ingest. Seriously, isn’t this what vacations are all about?

I hear that you all complied with my request of behaving. SHAME on ALL of you. I was so looking forward to reports of tomfoolery and debauchery. No such luck. Must I do everything?

Merman Wanted, Inquire Within

It has been 45 days since my last vacation. Although I thoroughly enjoyed McMansion sitting with Google the Wonder dog, I am very excited to be heading off to the Beach.

Once again, I have no itinerary. That is simply how I roll. Besides getting myself to my destination, the rest of my beach week has no schedule. I will spend most of the daylight hours under the sun in front of the surf listening to my tunes, reading, dozing, consuming libations and if there is available eye candy to ogle, then that shall be done as well. My twilight hours will be spent in total relaxation on one of two balconies available to me; one facing the ocean the other the bay. Any time spent on the balconies of course will involve sipping cocktails while listening and watching the ocean and purging my mind of all things.

The Beach is my sanctuary. So pardon me while I go off for a week long sabbatical.

You kids behave yourselves. I am counting on you. Okay, how about this? Don’t do anything, I wouldn’t do.

Because Sometimes Self Amusement is Recommended

(Okay, first get your minds out of the gutter!)

What have you got to lose? Just try it.

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed In your brain!

Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......)and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise Circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your Right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

And there's nothing you can do about it!

You are going to try it again, if you've not already done so but the results will be the same.

We Will NEVER Forget

The Bird Feeder

This post is not meant to spread hate. As the product of a set of parents who emigrated to this country legally, the latest protests and such hit a nerve with me. My blog, my opinion.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor.

Illegals are also squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!

In My Day, An Apple Would Do....

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Scotch Whiskey?"
"No," said the little boy............ "It's a puppy!"

School is back in session. Just a friendly reminder to be alert while driving in the mornings. None of us likes to be stuck behind the school busses but we ALL have to follow the rules.

Kids are the future, lets keep them safe.

Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?

I am sure this has made the rounds previously.

I found it very interesting and a very good diversion for the many things occupying my brain right about now.

Pardon me, do you have the time?

Bonus points if you know the group who wrote/sang the song.

Drinking Club with a Running Problem

Although I enjoy the motto of this club, they seem to have bigger problems than drinking and running combined.

In this current post 9/11 world, marking your running trail in such a dubious manner is more than just a little reckless not to mention stupid.

Somehow, my being an in home mixologist seems less eccentric compared to this bunch. I seriously suggest the World Hash House Harriers engage some brain cells before marking their next trail.

Proactivity, Stay Away from Scissors!

You Are Paper

Crafty and creative, you are able to adapt freely to almost any situation. People tend to underestimate you, unless they've truly seen what you are capable of. Deep down, you're always scheming and thinking up new plans. Your mind is constantly active. You are quite capable of anything you dream of. You can always figure out a way to get what you want. You can wrap a rock person up in your sheet of trickery. A scissor person can sneak up and cut you to pieces. When you fight: No one can anticipate your next move. If someone makes you mad: You'll attack them mercilessly when they're unprepared

Are You Rock, Paper, or Scissors?

Cha-CHING

I know I must have a relative in Indiana. Preferably the one who won the Mega Lottery.

Frantically researching my family tree.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Things that Make you Go Hmmm

“The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get the old ones out.” –Dee Hock, creator and first CEO of Visa

Hey, if we can all wrap our minds around this, what a better place our world would be.

N’est pas?

Who Doesn’t Love a Parade?

Well friends, the Neurosis are on high alert. Bring on the bumpy goodness and all that goes with it. Some degree of imagination needs to be put to good use, again.

I know, sorry.

I can tell you that whatever the outcome, I am mentally prepared. I can only come up with 2 scenarios for the conclusion of this drama. Hopefully I will be on the good end of scenario number one. If not, all this will become so much clearer for all of you yet more than a little disparaging for me.

I will quote one of my favorite inspirational posters in closing:

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.”

Strike up the band, the parade is starting.

Medical People are the Most “Interesting” Patients

My sister, the brain surgeon, recently had a visit with her ophthalmologist. Unfortunately, she is having some rapid changes with her eyes which lead her doctor to order some type of special contact lenses in order to correct her vision. I don’t know about the rest of you but I’d rather anyone who is to cut into my brain to have the best possible vision available.

BS was given her new set of lenses and she inserted them with no problem. Her vision was where it should be, all was well. Until she tried to remove them. Apparently these lenses are both hard and soft. In order to be able to remove them the use of the tiny suction cup apparatus is essential. The tech handed BS the suction cup and asked her to practice removing the lenses.

The following is how this scenario developed:

BS: (with suction cup affixed to one lens, trying to pull with a degree of force) They don’t seem to want to leave my eye.

Tech: Oh, it’s unfamiliar territory. Try grabbing the lens at the edge of your eye with the suction cup.

BS: (reminding the Tech that she performs this ritual regularly on her patients who come into the trauma room wearing contacts) Okay but really they aren’t budging and now it is quite painful. Do you mind trying?

Tech: Oh! I don’t like playing with people’s eyes. Let me get the other Tech.

BS: ..??..??..(plunger still attached to her eyeball)

Tech 2: Hi, let me try. (She takes control of the plunger and tries every possible angle to remove the lens to no avail)

BS: (who now looks like she’s been on a week long bender due to the major irritation of her eyes via plunger and stuck lenses) Perhaps we should ask the Doctor to come back in

Tech 2: Good idea, let me go get him.

It is important that you all know that BS has known this Doctor and his brother who is his partner since before they were in Medical School. On with the story.

Doc: You seem to be causing my Techs some drama. Step in front of this machine and let me get a closer look.

BS: (complies with the request, notices that the Doctor has a very sharp tiny forcep in his hand headed directly to her eye. Slight anxiety ensues)

Doc: Okay, I got it! Ooops! (The lens flies off the forcep, bumps off BS’s chin and now is missing)

Doc: Okay. I don’t want anyone to make any quick moves, we need to find the lens. (Everyone is carefully looking for the lens.)

BS: Well, it’s hard for me to see now that one lens is out and the other has irritated my eye beyond helping it.

Doc: Well after careful searching we cannot find it. I guess you will have to disrobe. Perhaps the lens is hiding on you.

Tech and Tech 2: (nervously shuffling around in the room, generally one does not disrobe for an eye exam)

BS: Alrighty then, have any mood music?

It was before she started stripping that she noticed the lens hanging on the knob of the machine the Doctor was using. Crisis and strip tease averted. The Doctor order an alternative type of lens for BS and she went on her merry way.

What Can I Say?

So, what’s new with all of you? Spill it.

Unexpected Thank You

One of the many times I have been in the Dulles International Airport’s Customs waiting area this summer, I encountered something that I meant to share. I was waiting for a family member to come through the doors when I was privileged to witness something really incredible.

We, the other mass of folks and I, were anxiously watching as the doors that lead from Customs as they whooshed open. The returning travelers usually come out in small groups. It had been a few minutes and no one came though Customs. All of a sudden one passenger emerged from the doors and the entire waiting room took in a breath.

A lone soldier emerged from the doors not expecting anyone to greet him. He was in his fatigues and obviously just arrived from his duty. The crowd waiting did not miss a beat. Those of us sitting, stood. The rest of us stood still and began to clap in silence for a moment. The soldier was confused. He turned to look behind him to see who was deserving of the standing ovation. It was not until strangers approached him and thanked him that he realized we were welcoming him home.

I still get goose bumps thinking of this and I cannot describe a better reason to be proud.

Passionately Ambivalent

Talk amongst yourselves......discuss.

Crazy week ahead, mingle.

I’ll make it up to you, promise!

Creation as it Relates to Managed Care

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.


God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

If I knew who the original author was, I'd share a Zone Bar with him or her while pre-authorizing anything medical of their choosing.

Happy Weekend Kids!

Hi. My Name is Wicked H and I am a Procrastinator

I am not proud of this fact but so far it has served me quite well. I realize I can test fate only so far but why stop while I am on the good end of the stick. Twelve step programs be damned!

I ask you, how many of you out there could have pulled this off today? It is the last day of the month, the day where all other procrastinators are also on line at the emissions testing station and the DMV. What type of time frame would you imagine I needed to keep my vehicle legally on the road? I was guessing that the emissions test would have taken me at least three hours which would have gotten me to the dreaded DMV around 3 pm. I know what you are thinking. Re- registering my vehicle could have taken place online. No kidding, I am Queen of online errands. Remember, grocery shopping, hello Peapod. However, emissions testing you have to do in person, so I put it off. I will admit that I went to the emissions testing place in Maryland while on vacation asking them why they couldn’t just test my emissions there when my vehicle is registered in Virginia. Yes, yes, they laughed at me. Bastards!

So, I am giddy to report that it took one hour for my emissions test and then a mere 20 minutes in the DMV on the LAST of the month.

HA!!

They say good things come in threes. To round off my perfect day and to further prove the procrastination theorem, I finally dialed the phone number of my new brother. I have had his number for well over a month and just kept putting the call off. I don’t have a good reason. We did communicate promptly via e-mail, I am not a total sloth. I am happy to report that I have made my first connection via this blog. I am even happier to report that he sounds just as I imagined he would. This is the real McCoy. I cannot wait to get to know him better.

It remains my postulate that procrastination, engineered wisely, can be extremely beneficial.

There will be a quiz in the morning. Number two pencils required.