Attach of the Killer Chameleons

Ok, so I exaggerate a tad. I don’t do well with critters. Anything that can creep along is not for me.

I love a wood-burning fireplace. I enjoy the smell of the wood and hearing the crackling sounds. They sooth me just like the sound of the tide rolling in and out. One Fall evening I had gathered a pile of wood and began the process of staring a fire. We all have our own tricks for the perfect fire. I like to use pinecones as kindling. I also have this habit of standing in front of the fireplace with the screen wide open while I wait for the pinecones to ignite.

This particular evening as I was watching the pine cones blaze, something hurled itself out of the fireplace and onto me. Actually, there were 2 of them. Lizards! Apparently, they were living in my woodpile. They did not take kindly to being set on fire. I promise I did not see them. For if I had, I would have definitely gone without a fire that night.

I admit to screaming like a little girl while doing some kind of crazed dance in an effort to get the lizards off of me. Of course in the process I tripped over the coffee table in the living room and one of them crawled right over my neck. EWWWW!

Dexter was still a puppy then and he was very excited to have 2 new playmates. One of them was partially singed and the other had a burnt tail. The 2 critters dove under the couch in the scuttle. Great! Dexter is now barking at the couch and I am trying to remain calm and figure out how to get the intruders out of the house.

After 10 minutes, one stiff drink and a phone call to a male friend for moral support and guidance, I decided to let Dexter handle the situation. I pulled the couch and love seat to the middle of the room. He immediately bounded on Partially Singed. He batted him around between his paws enough to stun him. Then on advice from my friend I got the broom and swept Singed right on out the door. Missing Tail was smarter than his friend; he was on his way up the wall towards the ceiling. I forget how much energy Dexter had back then. It took a couple of leaps but he knocked Missing Tail to the floor and stunned him as well. Missing Tail was evicted from our house in the same manner.

Lessons learned from this event? I drop each piece of firewood on the ground several times before bringing them inside my house. I make sure the fireplace screen is closed before I ignite the kindling. At least I learn from most of my mistakes.

Bad Karma leads to Killer Chameleons. Don’t forget it!

Disappointing the Boyz in da Hood

I work with a large number of people. We have a wide variety of age ranges; I am on the older end of the age scale.

We have a good mix of college aged kids ( lovingly tagged by me as Boyz in da Hood) working with us and they keep me on my toes and hip. I like to mix it up with them. I am not their supervisor but I am in Administration so it’s amusing to them and myself during our interactions.

We have had a parking problem in our building for a while. We have an electronic conglomerate housed in the building next to ours and we are a medical facility with much traffic in and out of our parking lot. For some reason the conglomerate, which has ample parking for their employees and visitors, won’t let the employees park in their own lot for free. The logical place for the electronic cartel employees to park, in their estimation, is our lot. Now we are just as neighborly as any other business; however we need every spot we have due to the number of patients we see.

For the past month, those of us with offices facing the lot have been on parking patrol. We take down the tags of the offending parkers and turn them in to the building management. Until recently, the only action taken by the building has been to affix this very bright orange sticker on the drivers window alerting the vehicle's owner that this is not the right place to park. There are also numerous signs in our lot also explaining who can and cannot park there.

This did not stop the cartel employees from parking in our lot. Yesterday we had a brand new BMW towed. I was the one who gave the information, the building management had the Beamer towed. The Boyz were not happy with me at all.

I have been banished from our usual banter. I am now considered big time Establishment. I may have pushed them right over that edge to where they feel compelled to protest the next World Bank meeting.

Disappointing the Boyz in da Hood, now how will I be a hipster?

Stealth

The other day when I returned from work, I found 5 Verizon technicians staring intently at a 3-foot diameter hole they had dug in my yard. They seemed to be mesmerized by their efforts. It was as if the hole was speaking to them. The rest of the world was oblivious to this crew of 5.

This was more evident when my 12 year old golden retriever, Dexter, ambled down the deck’s steps and into the back yard. He doesn’t move that fast anymore so when he saw the 5 of them huddled around the opening he decided he would stick his snout into the group.

It was like watching a movie in slow motion. The first guy performed this Smokey the Bear sanctioned: stop, drop and roll maneuver. Another guy yelped and dove into the hole. The remaining 3 screamed like girls and ran about 100 steps away. Dexter remained, his tail wagging happily. He figured this was all a big game and was intently watching the guy in the hole. Once they realized Dexter was calm and non-dangerous, one by one they returned to their sunken friend and helped him out.

Dexter completed his business out side, came back up the steps and had dinner alfresco. I, after quickly changing my shirt due to spilling my drink from the hilarity of the situation below, returned back out to the deck and proceeded to relax. Who knew I’d have free entertainment that evening?

Good times!

Craptastic

Pretty much sums up the week I've been having. Not even going to honor it whith a whine fest, I refuse to give into the temptation.

Hope you all are faring better than me this week.

Be back real soon with better vibes......

Dear Over Zealous, Ecology Conscious Waste Management Patron:

I thoroughly understand your correcting us when we, God forbid, tried to toss a cardboard tube into the general trash bin. Really, if our true purpose for physically transporting our detritus all the way to the dump was to properly sort out general versus recyclable trash, your point was well taken.

I would like to point out; however, that you came perilously close to falling headfirst into the paper recycling dumpster. Was it necessary for you to pull out the 2 boxes of old medical periodicals and books, empty them of their contents and then throw both boxes back into the dumpster? Who has this kind of time? Maybe you did not notice the other 34 vehicles some patiently some rather irritatingly waiting their turn to deposit their crap into the properly labeled dumpsters.

Perhaps you should consider a weekend part time position at the waste management facility. You certainly seem to be following the facility’s mission statement. Your customer service skills could use some tweaking but nobody is perfect. You actually have me to thank. You perfectly read the expression on my face as I was depositing the 2 old kitchen cabinets doors into a dumpster that was not clearly labeled “old kitchen cabinet doors.” Had you questioned my actions, I would not have been able to guarantee your time left on our planet.

I did not believe, after spending the better part of 6 hours cleaning out my parent’s garage that we would end the day laughing to the point of uncontrollable snorting.

Yes, Internet - I occasionally snort in association with a hearty chuckle.

The Road to Good Intentions…..

…..paved our plumber's driveway.

I’m human and make many mistakes. Through my experiences, the bad ones, I have learned – I will never repeat those blunders.

My Father receives many drug samples from pharmaceutical reps that make the rounds to his office. On one of his trips abroad, I went on another clutter cleaning binge and found a ton of drugs that had expired. My Father keeps them in a recessed corner of his closet. I decided I would do him a favor and dispose of them before he returned.

The day before his return, my older sister and I went through all the expired samples and systematically emptied them from their packaging and flushed them down the toilet. We had method to our madness, we would only flush maybe 30 pills at a time. We felt that was enough time for the pills to dissolve and move through the sewer system. Three hundred pills later, we completed our mission.

Mom and Dad had a happy homecoming. That is until Dad made a midnight trip to the bathroom. Poor Dad, when he tried to flush away his evacuation his shower backed up. And up and up. The next day the plumber found our little covert pill disposal project. Turns out 300 hundred pills cannot be disposed of in such a manner. We know, NOW.

During the most current clutter clearing, we again have found many samples that need disposal. This time we will let them disintegrate in a solution of bleach and water and then flush them. It was a hard and expensive lesson but at least we learned.

Perfect for What Ails You

Mental Health Days. I cannot recommend them enough. I took one yesterday.

My older sister and I went to Annapolis on what has to be one of the more perfect Spring forecasts. We lunched At Carol’s Creek on the water. If you are ever there, may I suggest the seared tuna mixed green salad accompanied with a Tanqueray and tonic. Yummmm.

After lunch we strolled around Ego Alley which was great because the rest of the world was at work – suckers! We had the place pretty much to ourselves along with the elementary kids on field trips. We also met Noah the Boa. I am not a big fan of snakes at all but you can’t help but get to know the man with the 100 pound, twelve foot, 17 year old snake. He told us that the snake needed its sun bathing and massage time. No, I did not aid the snake by giving it a massage. There were plenty of school kids who were more than happy to oblige.

Back to reality today. Hope you all had a good extended weekend. What? You didn’t? C’est domage!

Happy Cinco De Mayo

I don't typically celebrate this day. However after the day I've had, any excuse to partake in the marguerita libations is good enough for me.

Ole!!!

Runaway Bride

I don’t know all the details about this young woman from Georgia who fabricated her abduction to elude her massive wedding. I do have a few thoughts on the matter however.

You’d think that with what appears to be a loving and supporting family she would have had someone to turn to in her time of need. I mean who has 14 bridesmaids? At least one or two of them had to be close friends, don’t you think?

I find it quite sad that her only option was to concoct the story. I do hope that when she gets some type of punishment that the authorities also add therapy to her sentence. I truly believe she needs it.

Dear Metro DC Police Officer:

I cannot express to you how grateful I was this morning. You had every right to issue me a citation for carelessly running the red light. Not only did you not give me the citation, you also did not lecture me on how to be more careful. A simple "watch the lights young lady" was all you said.

Let me thank you again in writing. I would also like to thank you for calling me young lady as I am clearly much older than yourself. You made my dreary, rainy day so much better than I could have imagined after stupidly running the red light, right in front of you. I know! Thank God you didn't ask me why I did that for then I would have had to admit to you that I usually sleep-drive at such an early hour. I am more than sure that you would not have taken kindly to that statement.

I only hope that the speed trap cameras are equally as kind to me. I am surprised that I have yet to receive a citation for speeding. Oh, wrong sister. That would be Nutcracker Sweet. Never mind then.

You have a safe day too, Officer.

Popeye, Schmopeye!!

My Parents will be the first to tell you, or anyone else who will commiserate, that I am responsible for most of the gray hairs they have developed since my birth. I am going to blame some of my actions on the pecking order; the middle kid is supposed to test the boundaries. That is my story and I am sticking to it. Besides the other 2 siblings were eager to please. I was eager to push buttons.

When I was a child, the rule during dinner was if it made it onto your plate it must be consumed. This rule does not apply to and Grandchildren I have noticed as my niece is 9 years old and has yet to sample a vegetable. I will discuss that another time.

One night the dreaded cooked, gross spinach made it onto my plate before I knew what was happening. If I was not running my mouth during the doling of food I could have vetoed the spinach but as per usual I was discussing my day with my Dad. Dinnertime was when we all caught up with each other. (Translated: when all the bad things Wicked did during the day were rehashed)

So I am still at the dinner table while my Mom is doing the dishes. The already gross, wretched spinach is now cold and even more unappetizing. What to do? I started praying for a dog to materialize but that didn’t work. I continued to push the spinach from one side of the plate to the other hoping that my Mom would hurry up and finish the dishes and leave the kitchen. You think it was a coincidence that she decided that night would be the perfect time to polish all the cabinets in the kitchen? I think not.

After about the 47th "look" from my Mom. I came up with a brainstorm. While she was on top of the stool polishing the cabinet above the refrigerator, I dashed out of the kitchen to the hall closet. My Dad keeps his shoes in the boxes they came in. So I quickly grabbed a box emptied it of its worn shoes and ran back into the kitchen. As I was scooping my spinach into the box my Mom turned around.

Mom: WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING? (Complete with clenched jaw)

Wicked: Um.....I am really full. So I decided to mail this spinach to those starving kids in India because they need to make their muscles strong like Popeye. My muscles are already strong....see? (Showing Mom my bicep)

Mom: (still with the clenched jaw) Sit down and eat that spinach from that box! And if you gag or vomit, you will eat that TOO!!!!

Wicked: GULP!!

From that point on I made sure that when the food was being doled out onto my plate, I was paying attention. I can tell you that I avoided spinach from that day forward. Once you have eaten cold, slimy, gross spinach seasoned with your Dad’s feet, it will turn you off FOREVER

Menopausal Mother Nature

How else can we explain these bizarre temperature ranges this Spring. Actually each Spring brings weird weather now that I think about it. I truly believe Mother Nature has hit menopause. Chills followed by personal summers; I can totally relate – unfortunately.

Well Mother Nature, I am going to make it my personal mission to find you some type of homeopathic remedy. I am sure the ozone layer resembling Swiss cheese is not helping the cause. I find that ice packs kept within proximity help with the personal summers and may I suggest keeping a light sweater on hand for those chills.

Bring back the gorgeous weather we had just 10 days ago, the Cherry Blossoms were perfect this year. Thanks for that. However; waking up to 40 degree temps in late April is just not good. Come on Lady, if the rest of us can get through it, so should you!!

OCD Much?

An old friend of mine ( Hi! DK) used to berate me every time he came over to my place. He would immediately head to my stack of CDs and strategically place them in order of musical category AFTER he made sure they were in the right CD holder and the CD was facing in the proper direction in it’s jewel case. Following that, he would leave an empty area on my CD rack. DK explained to me that each time I play a CD I am to put it’s case in this holding area until such time that it is ready to be placed back into the main rack.

OH. MY. GOD!

What doesn’t make sense about all this is that besides his CDs, DK’s place is always a wreck! I am talking the typical guys place; although DK is married and his wife is just as lax about housekeeping as he is. They are very suited for each other. Their housekeeping skills make me look like Felix Unger. Trust me, I am no where near that organized or clean.

It goes without saying that each time I go over to DK’s I quietly make sure that his CDs are not in their proper alphabetical, musical category. I even go so far as switching out some CDs from case to case. This drives him nutso. Muhahahahahaha

So, what type of OCD issues do you suffer from?

Ghost Writer

98% BABY!!!

Beat that!!!

We now go back to our regularly scheduled programming.....

Serendipity

79 years ago in a land far away, my parents were born. They are exactly the same age. Well my Mom was born an hour and a half ahead of my Dad, that detail doesn't come out unless needed in the case of leverage.

They were raised in different cities separated by a few hundred kilometers. They met while in college, Dad in Medical School and Mom in Law School. I am not quite sure of the details but I do know that my Dad transferred schools so that either they could be closer or that was what facilitated their meeting. I will have to get back to you on the details. Either way, if you ask my Dad he will tell you that it was my Mom's encouragement and support that got him through Medical School. Their courtship was very traditional for their generation. It has been said that my Dad would sell his own medical books to be able to afford to bring Mom flowers. There are hundreds of stories that I am chronicling. I promise to share a few in the future.

They have been married for almost 52 years. To this day their relationship remains special. Of course they have their moments of discontent, they are human. My sisters and I have been blessed to have been raised by such a great set of parents. There always was and continues to be much humor and love in our lives.

Happy Birthday Mom and Dad! May you have many, many more.

Welcome Back to DC!

For something like 37 years, Washington DC has been trying to get a baseball team back. Yesterday was Opening Day for the new Washington Nationals. They will play at RFK stadium for 3 years until their new digs are done.

I am not a big baseball aficionado but I thought it needed to be mentioned. They did win 5-3 against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Welcome back to DC. We hope, Baseball will be "berry, berry good" for us.

Now, who wants a hot dog?

Binging and Purging

My parents are away on vacation for a while. So I made myself a promise to go over to their house and begin cleaning out some of the years of stuff that they can’t seem to let go. You see my Father is a pack rat and my Mother is a binge shopper. For as long as I can remember, my Mom has asked that when she passes on she wants us to make sure the house is presentable. I usually would respond by telling her if her friends don’t know that she is a relaxed house keeper, they will figure it out then. That exchange is typically followed by my Mom lobbing something in the direction of my head.

You have to understand that we are talking about at least 30 years of crap, I mean paraphernalia. Carbon dated dust bunnies. For some reason, purging someone else’s belongings is more rewarding. I don’t ever remember having the same cathartic effect when cleaning my own abode. My older sister came over to help as well. We experienced a wide range of emotions while rummaging. At one point we were giggling so hard that we ended up sobbing uncontrollably. I decided to let my sister know then that once, God forbid and may they live many, many more years to come, our parents do pass that I would be useless at this task. Which of course lead to more crying, sniffling, etc.

The fun part of the task was trying to figure out how valuable some of the items would be to someone else. For example: a circa 1959 manual Smith Corona typewriter and a circa 1962 Grundig stereo. Also among the treasures was probably $40 worth of pennies in various containers. Little Mermaid was with us so I put her to work rolling pennies. Do you know that she found at least 8 pennies over 50 years old. She made out like a bandit. She wasted no time jumping on the computer to find out their worth.

We had a slight dilemma when it came to removing some of the impedimenta. My sister wanted to save way more and I definitely wanted to eliminate. If it had not been used in the last 1-2 years, chances are they don’t even know it exists. I mean come one, they are 78 years old. We compromised and a good chunk of it went to Good Will. Let someone else benefit from our former worldly possessions, mom and Dad will enjoy the tax break.

Oh, you may be wondering if Bridezilla was helping. Not so much. She did show up at one point and I saw her rolling pennies with Mermaid. When she left I noticed that she contemplated taking the pennies that she rolled but I think Mermaid won that dispute.

It took a whole weekend to clean out one room. Glad they will be gone for a while.

Dear Mr. Dominator:

I need to tell you that is not acceptable for you to infringe on EVERYONE’S relaxation time because you cannot let your woman (and yes he grunted the word) get a manicure and pedicure on her own. Was it really necessary for you to make such a production while choosing the nail polish? I mean come on. It’s a color that will last at the most 2 weeks if your nail tech is good at what she does. If it were a tattoo, I would have understood. Furthermore, if you are indeed an expert in the art of nails then why not do your woman’s nails in the privacy of your own abode? On behalf of all the other female patrons, we would sincerely appreciate your NOT letting us know whether or not you approve of our color palate and nail style. Your opinion carries ZERO weight. So for the love of OPI, keep your comments to yourself.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not here to judge your choice of the Dom/Sub life style. To each is own, whatever flips your switch. Have at it. All I ask is that in the future you are courteous to the rest of the patrons. If you’ll recall, not a single client uttered a disparaging word. The rolling of eyes was completely free of charge.

Thank you so much.

What Not to Wear

I am a person who enjoys the conveniences life has to offer. If an errand can be accomplished via the Internet, I am all over it. If I can handle a task via a drive through, life is good. I am not avoiding people by completing my business efficiently, I simply don’t like to lengthen any task that can be accomplished quicker; ergo less hassle.

This brings me to my dealings with my Bank. I noticed that my debit card was going to expire in March 05. Near the end of February 05 I went into the Bank and inquired as to the status of my new card. They assured me that I would have it prior to the end of March. I asked them if the expiration date was enforced at any particular time of the month. The Bank told me it could be used through the month of March. Great, no problem. Of course, the first time I tried to use my card in the month of March, it was denied due to expiration. I rarely carry cash so this was a rather large inconvenience for me. Off to the Bank I go, again.

I walk into my local branch and am greeted with the following ( keep in mind that it is casual Friday):

Bank Manager (BM): Oh ma’am, it is no longer the 80’s. You don’t need to match your socks to your sweater.
Wicked: (Befuddled) First of all, I didn’t ask you for fashion advice. Secondly, if I need a fashion consult I will contact Stacey and Clinton. Is it possible for you to give me advice regarding my debit card?
BM: Absolutely, I’ll need to walk over to my terminal.
Wicked: Walk quickly. I don’t have a lot of time.

With a few clicks of her mouse she stated that I would have my new card in 3 business days.

BM: I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my earlier comment.
Wicked: Apology not accepted; it’s a bit too late.

And with that I took my matching socks and sweatered-self out of the Bank.

Drunkard Dialing

I had the misfortune of receiving a phone call this past Saturday morning at 3 am. I don't know about the rest of you but I generally do not welcome phone calls at 3 freaking am. My immediate thought was who's dead or injured?

I answered the phone and this is what I encountered:

Wicked: (after dropping the phone once) Erm Hello?
Inebriated Hispanic Male (IHM): Te-re-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Wicked: No Teresa here pal.
IHM: Get her to the phone! I need to speak to Te-re-saaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Wicked: What number are you trying to reach.
IHM: Te-re-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Tell her I must speak with her, NOW.
Wicked: You have the wrong number.
IHM: You tell Te-re-saaaaaaaa if she not come to the phone right now she will never come to my house again.
Wicked: Wrong number dude....
IHM: Click

Well thankfully I was able to drift back to sleep. Sunday morning my internal clock woke me up at 4 am. Probably a combination of the time change and being woken up at the same time the night before, what's a girl to do? I knew exactly what to do....

Wicked: (giggling while dialing - great invention that caller ID).......
IHM: Erm......Aa-lo
Wicked: Hey it’s me. I caught up with Te-re-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and she said that she has no desire to ever see you again. So there you go. Click.

So, um, hopefully Te-re-saaaaa will not be found in a shallow grave any time soon. Whatever, I didn't ask for the call in the first place.