Perhaps It’s Just Me

I am sitting here trying to enjoy American Idol now that I am allegedly viewing the most talented bunch in the history of the show.

Eh, not so much. I am not feeling it. At. All.

May I have the envelope please? AI has officially jumped the shark as far as I am concerned.

Thoughts, concerns? Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

Yawn.

Worth the Price of Admission

Since I haven’t seen a single movie up for Oscar nomination, I prefer to watch the red carpet coverage on E!

I just watched Gary Busey completely ruin the interview between Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Garner. I hope they show a clip on You Tube. In short, Gary pretty much accosted Ms. Garner’s neck in mid interview. She had no idea who Gary Busey was, she was pretty traumatized. I am not sure who was more terrorized, Jennifer or Ryan.

My recommendation to Mr. Busey is to drop by one of many rehab centers available to him. If you cannot time your drugs perfectly, it is definitely time to check into rehab.

I notice that my martini glass is empty, I am dashing off for a refill.

If you are going to watch the Oscars, enjoy!

Anatomy of an Idiot

Seriously, this could not have worked out better if I had a hand in it myself. Sadly, I can take no credit. It does make me mindful of something my Grand Mother used to say “dream big in case it comes true!”

Truth be told, I had completely gotten over the inconsequential gnat. I am a mature woman who honestly has been through every bizarre mind trip a work place can throw at you. So this twit stopped being a blip on my radar a good 2 months ago. Sure, her grandiosely immature ways bugged the living poop right out of me in the beginning. However, once I realized her existence was the destruction of my otherwise serene workplace, I simply put my good coping skills in gear and poof, she mattered not.

Watching her wield her moronic scenarios became rather entertaining. Puppetry of the Pinhead, would have made great theater. Actually I was a bit dejected watching others fall all over themselves to make her demands come true. Maybe dejected is the wrong word, cynical might be better.

In any case, in the end the white hats win and all is much better in the workplace. One would have to take the understated hint when confronted with the absolute demonstration of glee from two otherwise very controlled professionals. If I am not mistaken, there was a slight glint when I was told the replacement would begin Monday.

Good riddance, don’t let your navi fail you on the way out of town.

Smelly Turns One!

What is the perfect present for a one year old?



Tissue paper!!!

Everyone, join me in wishing my niece a very happy birthday and all the tissue paper she can destroy.

“Who’s on First,” the 2008 Version

(Listen, if anyone knows who the original author is buy him/her a beer and put it on my tab)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

Robots: Rosie Versus the Roomba

This past Christmas, all my Mother wanted was a Roomba a robotic vacuum cleaner. You have to keep in mind that my Mom is neither a spring chicken nor computer savvy. Ditto for my Dad.

So we did what all good children do, we pooled our dollars and purchased the Roomba. While my Mom was quite pleased, the rest of us were quietly grumbling. It is very difficult to teach your parents how to master new gadgets, triple hard if said contraptions are computerized.

A couple weekends ago I was visiting the family and was called upon to teach Mom how to use the Roomba. Unfortunately, she waited until a couple of hours before I was to head back home so all I could really do was insert the battery and set it up to be charged for sixteen hours. I was able to go over the instructions with her. When I read to her that the Roomba would take 45 minutes to vacuum one room, she was not pleased. She thought that the Roomba was going to rival good ole Rosie from the Jetsons.


She assumed that the Roomba would go back and forth in a room a few times and bing, bang boom the room would be dust free. When I explained to my parental units that the Roomba would need to detect dirt and dust and oh by the way they would definitely have to clear the piles of stuff on every square inch of the floors for the thing to be effective, they all but kicked me out of the house.

It was right about then that I remembered why I live an hour and a half away. Sometimes my brilliance amazes even me.

The following Monday, my Mom called me at work with a lilt in her tone. I asked her what was up and she could not stop talking about her new friend Roomba. It appears that my BIL went over after it was charged and he spent a few hours making sure she and my Dad learned the ins and outs of the Roomba.

Miraculously, the machine was able to clean like a charm albeit slowly. But you know what? The parental units are rather slow by now too, so it all works out in the wash. (Pun entirely intended) So the Sisters Wicked scored big time with this year’s gift and Mom AND Dad are happy. Trust me. This is very difficult to achieve.

The Roomba has saved the day. She invites her friends over in small groups to demonstrate the thing and aks why their children are not as generous. (“P” if you are reading this, I apologize in advance!)

Behold, my new favorite family member:

Roomba. Although my Mom has given it a human name, as long as she is happy and neither of them breaks a hip tripping over it.

Last I checked, my Dad was trying it out as an electric coaster. I had to remind him that it is a computer that probably should not try to balance drinks on top of it.

A Dose of Culture

Heading out to the Kennedy Center for Performing Arts for our yearly dose of refinement.

Last year the Sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked were embarrassingly shushed by an octogenarian with a newly installed hearing aide battery. We honestly were not that loud. We quietly were trying to explain the complicated plot twist of the ballet Othello to Lil Wicked. The gentleman in front of us was not so understanding.

Today we have the privilege of seeing the Kirov Ballet perform. This time around I have sent a synopsis of the ballet to each of the attendees so that we may keep our whispering to a strict minimum.

Wish us luck or have bail money ready. You never really know once we are all unleashed in public together.

MLK Day

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” MLK

I want you to consider this the next time you think about not speaking out on an issue that comes to your attention. Those of you with the day off, at least take a moment to remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In Honor fo Blonde Follicles

(Listen, I’ve got nothing. However, this one made me snort out loud - enjoy!)

A fellow wanted his porch painted so he got several bids. The lowest bid came from a blonde. Her bid was so much less than the other bids but the man was reluctant to give her the job. But after his wife gave him a hard time about being sexist, he decided to have the blonde paint his porch.

When she arrived the next morning he said “There might not be enough paint to paint the entire porch, so if you run low, just let me know and I’ll go to the paint store to buy more.”

A few hours later the blonde rang his doorbell and said “I just wanted to let you know that I’m finished with the job and there was plenty of paint left over. By the way, just in case you didn’t know, that’s a Lexus not a Porsche.

Intractable Times

Friends, how are you doing with those resolutions? Hmmm? Me neither.

After about twenty minutes into my first new year shift, they were all blown to H-E double hockey sticks! (Aha! I kept that one, score.)

Not sure what is going on with the weather but I can tell you that I am enjoying the short clad Fed Ex deliveries. Am I right ladies? It was seventy something degrees today, January 8, Metro DC.

WT H-E double hockey sticks?

Global warming or Mama Nature going through The Change? I vote menopause.

Thoughts?

New Year’s Poll

God (and HR Departments) gave us sick days.

Why oh why do those that are infectious show up at work and infect the rest of us??????

Discuss.

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

It did not seem like at the time, but 2007 passed by quickly. Its time again to reflect, count blessings and move into the future.

2007 was filled with many memorable moments, most of which were documented. The most powerful milestone for me was losing my Black Sheep status. It is a lengthy story, I am now ready to document it here since the weight of it has been lifted literally and figuratively. I will make it a priority to share early in the new year. I don’t want to focus on it now other than to say that the light couldn’t shine any brighter. That was one long ass tunnel.

I continued with the tradition I started a couple years prior; I eliminated those in my life who yielded useless drama. There is a reason I am single with no dependants and those people in my life who don’t understand the importance of that need not take up space. Self preservation for a nurturer/caretaker is nonexistent. I have finally figured out a way to keep a circle of genuine folks and friends in my life. Better late than never.

I hope 2008 brings nothing but good health and much happiness to us all.

I found this quote from Bono I’d like to leave you with:

“Here’s to the future! The only limits are the limits of our imagination. Dream up the kind of world you want to live in, dream out loud, at high volume.”

Happy New Year!!

Santa, the Postlude

Santa was very good to the Family Wicked. No complaints.

Who am I kidding? It’s a Blog. It’s destined for complaints. The gift exchange was quite nice. No family arguments and everyone felt the holiday spirit. The problem was that 3/5 of the family was over wrought with the nastiest cold virus this side of the North Pole.

Currently, I am the only one not battling the Plague. I am over dosing myself with vitamin C and Zinc and every homeopathic remedy I can get my hands on. It’s up to my immune system at this point. I am hopeful. Although when I got the call that Brain Surgeon succumbed to the germs, I got worried.



The woman works in a hospital where germs are a plenty, if she can’t fight off the little buggers the rest of us are doomed. Of course it did not help that we all shared the two dainty towels in the powder room. Those things were petri dishes having a germ festival. I made the conscious decision to use my pants to dry my hands instead of the towels. We are a medical family, you’d think we would have taken better precautions.

I blame Rudolph and his damned red nose!

This Greeting Has Been Cleared by My Attorney

(I am nothing if not politically correct - HA!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 21st day of December two thousand and seven.

Yes Wicked, There Is a Santa Claus

If I had an ounce of bah humbug left in me, today totally wiped those feelings clean.

This is what my CEO and CFO gave me for Christmas:


Added to that a very handsome bonus check and a lunch out.

I've been working at this job for almost six years and I can honestly say that good things come to those who wait. We had a recent change of the guard and I ended up on the right side of the street.

Even without the treats, life is good again.

Thanks Santa.

Crazed Shoppers, Parking Garage Tirades and Long Lines...OH MY!!!

Seriously, this is supposed to be a time of charity, kindness and gathering around the table with family remembering the good times and being grateful for the little things.

Nothing could be further from the truth. What has happened to all of us? I just don’t see how any of this is going to end well. Someone spike the eggnog. Eat, drink and be merry. Dammit!

Personally, I have avoided the full contact craziness that is Christmas shopping. I happily clicked my way to completion. Thank God Al Gore created the internet. ( I think there are pills for narcissists, I should hook Al up)

For those of you who still need some help turning those grimaces upside down, I leave you with this:

Ho Ho Ho....

...Ho my God! If I hear the phrase “I’ll just put it in my navi” one more time, one of the reindeer is being eliminated! Sorry Donner, you need to take one for the team.

Let me explain. Work has had a major overhaul and with it came some very wonderful leaders, new opportunities, trust me more great that not. However, it only takes one bad apple to ruin it for all.

Dear Santa:

All I want this year for Christmas is the ability to tune this bad apple out. I am the Queen of non-reaction but this one pushes every button I have, I am running out of patience and control.

I have been a very good girl this year. Well, you know. You see everything. Tell all the Elves they can give my share of the loot to someone more deserving. Just please, PLEASE give me the strength to deal with Miss Entitled. I am on my knees begging.

While I am asking, please also make sure that Lil Wicked and Smelly get everything on their list. They have both been even better than me.

Lots of Hugs and Kisses - Wicked H

Best Shopping Related Conversation, Ever!

Pet Whisperer: Gah! I have not exercised in over three months.

Wicked H: Wow, that is very unusual for you.

Pet Whisperer: Groan...

Wicked H: Wait. Yes you have.

Pet Whisperer: When?

Wicked H: Each time you go out shopping. Full Contact Purchasing! It has to burn calories, especially during the Holiday Season!

Pet Whisperer: This is why I heart you. Now, I can have another glass of wine.

Wicked H: Cheers!

Christmas Public Service Announcement

Hear Ye, Hear Ye....



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Elf YOU!!!

You must try this!

What the Elf?

And so it begins, Happy Holidays!!!