Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

It seems like only yesterday that I was driving up north from NC to Metro DC through the worst thunder storm trying to get to the hospital in time to meet my niece and make sure that my sister was going to be alright. Brain Surgeon was having a difficult birth and even though she was throwing her BS weight around in the hospital she worked in, she lost the fight and they wheeled her in for a cesarian section. She wanted a normal delivery. Sous Chef Mermaid was born on this day twelve years ago.

What happened to the days where making goofy faces would elicit a toothless grin? Where is the little girl who on her first birthday refused to touch the cake because both her parents were anal about messes? Grand Ma just took the little one’s hand and plunged it into the cake. I had never seen a panicked look on a one year old’s face before that moment. Where is the little one who would crunch through the leaves with her Aunt Wicked stopping every 10 steps to observe one thing or another? I can’t tell you how many times I would watch the VHS video of her running back and forth in their first house babbling something incoherent over and over into the camera. The best video was the one they sent me while she was opening up the mammoth Elmo blanket a gift from me; the look on her face was unforgettable.

Sous Chef Mermaid has blossomed into quite a dazzling young lady. I am so impressed with her and proud of the person she has become. The kid has more stamps on her passport than most adults. She and I spend quality time by watching the Project Runway Marathon on New Year’s Eve. She recently tried to teach me to catch up with the technological scene and introduced me to Wii. Of course I failed miserably but we had the best time. It’s cool to see how she has grabbed certain traits from each of us. She has a good mix from all the genes available in her pool.



The best complement to me was that she recently started blogging and she chose Lil Wicked as her moniker. Now if that doesn’t tug at your heart strings, then you are dead inside.

Happy Birthday Lil Wicked!! I didn’t know that my love for you could get any stronger but is does with each passing day.

Now you all go and wish her a Happy Birthday while I go and compose myself. I have a party to get to and I am all verklempt!!!

Octogeneric Long Distance Comedy

My Parents remain in the homeland. They are having a good time. Although I have noticed that they are more homesick this time than usual. It very well may have to do with them missing Sous Chef Mermaid and Smelly, their newest Grand daughter. The last two phone calls involved many mentions of how much they miss all of us. On previous jaunts, they never really vocalized that fact as much.

On the 4th of July I phoned my Parents to see how they were doing. They have been together for more than 50 years and I honestly believe it is due to the fact that they can bicker constantly and then forge ahead as well as enjoy quality time apart. I found out that my Dad was off on a beach trip while my Mom remained at the home front with her siblings. This is a little snippet of our conversation:

Mom: How is everyone there doing? Are you keeping in touch with your sisters?

Wicked: Yes Mom, everyone is fine.

Mom: How is Smelly? Have you seen Smelly?

Wicked: Mom she is growing like the wind, although she is only five months old. She really still only eats, sleeps and poops. You haven’t missed much, trust me.

Mom: Your Father is mad at me.

Wicked: What now?

Mom: He thinks I lost our return tickets and passports.

Wicked: Really? He left them in your care? He is usually too anal about stuff like that.

Mom: He swears that he gave them all to me and now they are missing. Of course, he has his passport.

Wicked: I am relatively sure he did not give them to you, he is a control freak after all.

Mom: I know, I agree. You need to help us find them.

Wicked: Mom, you and I are on separate continents right now. I can only suggest places he may have hidden them. Check all the zippered compartments of the suit cases, the far recesses of any and all drawers, etc.

Mom: Eh! It’s his problem. If he lost my passport, then I guess I will stay here with my brothers and sisters.

Wicked: Okay, you know what is best. I guess we will have to just show Smelly pictures of you...

Mom: Fine! I need to get off the phone and start searching. Bye....Love you!

As I was going to work today, I noticed I had a message on my cell phone. Being the low-tech gal that I am, once I enter the sanctuary of my home, I don’t carry my cell around with me in the house. I still am of the I need a land line school of thought.

The message was from my Father. He was telling me that he was at a beach with friends and that my Mother has lost her passport and both of their return tickets. He requested that I help her retrieve the items. I just shook my head as I giggled. Remember I am on an entirely different continent and can only offer support by phone.

It is of note that my younger sister, Maternal Countessa - Smelly’s Mom, also got a call today from our Dad. He told her the same story. She, not being too supportive, asked him what exactly he thought she could do for them? Shocker that he hung up on her.

You have to love the long distance hijinks that my Parents can generate. Maternal Countessa told me that Mom could simply go to the nearest American Embassy and get a new passport lickety split. I reminded her that in this post 9/11 world, there will be no re-issuing of passports lickety or splitting. Shocker that she hung up on me too.

I need a drink.

Stay tuned to find out if our Parents are able to return together or not.

Make that drink a double!!

Cheers.

Happy Birthday America!!!

However you celebrate, please do it safely.

I will be back at work on Thursday. Those of you lucky enough to have the rest of the week off, enjoy!

To Our Troops: We thank you, love and support you and hope that all of you are coming home soon.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Concert for Diana

As I sit here watching the Concert in Honor of Diana, I come away with a huge obstacle. Why do today’s popular artists need back up dancers? I just don’t get it. Personally I could care less who is up there gyrating along with the music. Just give me the singer, his/her music, the band and let me enjoy. Who needs this much extra stimulation? Not me. For the record, it is very distracting.

Perhaps it is a generational thing. So I am a dinosaur, I am okay with that. You don’t see a bunch of people wriggling about while Elton or Rod Stewart are out there doing their thing.

Hope you all are enjoying the concert.

I Frenzy? No Thanks!

I don’t get it. I’ll admit to being technologically challenged. I don’t understand why all you techies want to go out and make a substantial purchase when you know it will have major glitches and the like? Is it so you can be one of the first? One of the first who will undoubtedly complain of it’s short comings.

First generation anything is flawed. Even my non-tech self knows that.

Those of you who have one, enjoy!

Whatever. I’ll be on the deck enjoying the weather and more than a few martinis.

Have a great weekend!!

Life is a Beach!!

Little Smelly has learned quickly that if you want to hang with the
Wicked Family, you must learn the rules of the Beach.

1) Relaxation; she takes it one step further with this cool infant
tent deal.
2) Proper attire; check!
3) Liquor; although she is only able to consume 2 beers during each
outing, she is on the right track.

We wait until age 4 when she will have a good grasp on her sippy cup until we introduce her to margaritas!

Inaugural Summer Solstice Celebration

I honestly cannot think of a better way to ring in the summer other than enjoying a gourmet picnic dinner complete with wine on a perfectly breezy, non-oppressively hot night with a few thousand other Harry Connick, Jr fans. Last night Brain Surgeon and I attended the concert at one of my all time favorite venues, Wolf Trap™.

I am way past the point of being able to enjoy a concert on the lawn. However, we always have our picnic on the lawn and then go find our seats in the pavilion and have a good time. Of course no outing is complete without humorous observations of the gathering public, here are the highlights:

Red Wagon Lady: We were standing in the short line to retrieve our pre-paid picnic dinner and along comes this woman with a little red wagon. She was asked what she was going to do with the wagon and she reported that she was there to pick up 100 dinners. Why she felt that she was privileged enough to go to the head of the line to gather her dinners, is beyond me. However it was more than amusing to watch her try to juggle all those meals. It did not go well for her. She very well may still be trying to figure out the logistics this many hours later.

Family Unit Next to Us: We made our little camp on a hillside under a tree and proceeded to take in the surroundings. A young family set up next to us, a husband and wife, their 4 year old son and infant child. This may have been their first outing since the infant was born and they were rather unorganized. They had their food, wine and picnic materials but they left their corkscrew and knife needed to slice up their cheese in the car. Why do I know this? The Father was explaining that to his son while the Mother was tending to the infant. Wicked Sisters to the rescue; I quietly handed him our corkscrew and knife. Crisis averted.

Turquoise Cowgirl: In front of us we had a group of twenty-somethings. They were clearly Wolf Trap™ regulars. We could tell due to the organization of their food items. The Cowgirl brought one of those collapsible camping chairs; a good idea although we were on a rather steep decline. I can tell you that I was more than a bit disappointed that I was unable to watch the chair collapse as soon as she tried to sit on it.

Once we were done dining, we packed up our camp and headed for our seats. The deluge began right at that moment. Again, the seasoned attendees were prepared. All other were SOL. The concert itself was fantastic. A very mixed crowd of people, they all enjoyed themselves.

We decided that each summer solstice needs to be celebrated accordingly. Hope you all made a special time of it. Have a great weekend!

Hind Site, Always 20/20

Note to self. Next time there is a co-workers send off to take place at a Japanese Steak House on the hottest day of the year, bring some type of ice pack to keep yourself cool. I found out the hard way that menopausal women and open air hibachis do not mix.

Besides that, I am glad we gathered for our now big deal Radiology Tech. I got to know him very well over the course of the past five years. We really formed a tight bond when we were stuck in my office for a whole weekend putting together office furniture which came in at least 800 pieces. Fun times, eh “P?”

Even during times when he did not know he was going to make it through Radiology Tech School, the rest of us had no doubts he would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will most certainly miss his razor sharp humor and his limitless kindness.

Good luck “P.” If I ever break my hip, I will get my pelvis right down to Texas and have you take the pictures.

The Silent Wolf Whistle

Today our usual group went out to lunch. I really enjoy this bunch of women; we have a variety of ages and backgrounds. Never a dull moment with these gals; we are generally snorting our food from all the laughter.

As we were leaving our favorite establishment, we noticed that not only were we the only group of women present we also were drawing all the attention from the rest of the patrons. I mean when they all stopped chewing to watch us leave, we must have been a site for sore eyes.

Sometimes the silent wolf whistle is really good for a girl’s ego.

Dear Mary Kay Master's Class Makeup Artist:

It has indeed been educational watching you park parallel in front of my office window each morning at 7:40 AM.

After witnessing your primping ritual, I thank the heavens for remaining a low maintenance woman. Seriously Lady, eight layers of makeup is overkill. I am impressed with your unwavering concentration; however. You seem oblivious to our patient’s glaring and sometimes honking at you. You may not have noticed that the parking spaces are drawn to be pulled into. Your placement is wiping out at least four prime parking slots. Our patient’s don’t feel well; they don’t want to walk the extra steps just so you can look impeccable.

I am also so very intrigued by the fact that once you are done, you put your car back into gear and drive across the street and park in front of your workplace. I am guessing that the powers that be at your job would frown on this behavior.

In any case, if I ever need to apply 8 layers of makeup, I now know exactly what to do. I will tap on your window and ask that you give me a make over.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked

Only in Baltimore

I doubt pretty highly that any other city could host such an event. Having been born in Baltimore, I am proud(?) to admit that I totally understand why this gathering happens. I have added it to my “ to do” list. If I had only known it was happening this weekend.

I really need to be more organized. Instead I will enjoy my extreme bonding time with my favorite niece and her furry brother. We will also find time to include the newest addition to the brood. Must start the infant set at an early age.

I leave you with the DicsHONary. Study up because there will be a quiz.

Enjoy your weekend!!

The Wisdom of Steven Wright

“They tell you practice makes perfect. Then they tell you no one is perfect. So, I stopped practicing.”

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

If you have favorite quotes from him, let me hear them. If you have tickets to see him Friday night at the Warner Theatre, perhaps I’ll see you there.

Ride the Painted Pony, Make the Spinning Wheel Spin

The Tournament Parade is still in progress. I can say that under normal circumstances life would be more difficult. Since I tend to stray from anything normal, it is only slightly amusing to sit back and watch it unfold. When it's time, I will divulge.

Today I had an interesting exchange with Maternal Countessa. She and I have not been close since 2000. Prior to that we were quite close. Times change, events alter lives, whatever.

Today I was called upon to offer my sisterly advice. I can definitely guarantee that MC has not asked for my advice since 2000. The details are not important. What struck me was that we spent 40 minutes on the phone laughing, exchanging ideas, listening to one another and making future plans.

Maybe becoming a Mother has changed her for the better. It doesn’t matter, I will enjoy this closeness as long as it lasts. I quite enjoy having 2 sisters, again

Tournament of Neurosis Parade

This is as much detail as I can go into. If you have healthy imaginations, I suggest you use them.

Many strange happenings in my corner of the world; I am satisfied to just sit back and see how it all unfolds. I’ve been through similar scenarios before so I find that to be a slight advantage. I always seem to fall on my feet in the end. Que sera, sera.

Buckle up friends, it is proving to be a bumpy ride.

Code Orange!!!

I am not talking weather, either.

I took Brain Surgeon to Dulles today. She is headed to a big deal BS Conference in the Motherland. It’s not bad enough that the woman operates on brains but then she goes and shows off by taking an International trip to attend a big-league conference and surprise our Parents and relatives. Whatever!!!

I dropped BS off at the departure section and by the time I parked my vehicle and returned to the terminal, there was a full Code Orange Alert being announced. I first thought, wow that’s nice of the folks at Dulles to let us know how toxic the air outside is. Then I listened closer. A tabby cat had escaped it’s crate and was now loose inside Dulles International. To make this story even better, the cat escaped right in front of BS. Did she even bother to help? Nope. If it’s not brain surgery, she doesn’t have the time.

Anyhoo, I hope the tabby was found. I am not much of a cat person. Mainly because of allergies. However, if my pet was running loose inside ( hopefully) an airport, I am sure I would lose my shit right there in front of God and everyone.

I have performed my kindred duty by making sure BS got past the TSA check point and alerted the rest of the family in the US of A of her progression. So if you will excuse me, I have a very cold Corona waiting to be consumed on my deck.

This just in, a black and white kitty cat has adopted my deck as it’s second home.

Great! Achoo!



Hey CEO, I know Holmes cannot be replaced - NO WAY. But if you are in the adopting mood, let me know.

When I Grow Older, I Shall Try this While Wearing My Purple Hat

Much Older Wicked (MOW): Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

MOW: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

MOW: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

MOW: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

MOW: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

MOW: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

MOW: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

MOW: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

MOW: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

MOW: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing, but an empty trunk

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

MOW: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

MOW: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The Bashful Cousins

Can you imagine what fun will be had when Sous Chef Mermaid unleashes all her wisdom unto Smelly?

I can’t wait!!!

Memorial Day Weekend

Eyes Wide Open, the American Friends Service Committee’s widely-acclaimed exhibition on the human cost of the Iraq War, features a pair of boots honoring each U.S. military casualty, a field of shoes and a Wall of Remembrance to memorialize the Iraqis killed in the conflict, and a multimedia display exploring the history, cost and consequences of the war.

On this weekend of rememberence, I urge you to take a look at this. It's haunting.

To our troops abroad and in the USA, we love and support you. We are proud of each and every one of you. We wish you a safe and quick return home.

Medical Tenancy 201

Oh poor Foot and Ankle Boy. I was pretty sure we’d gone over the rules of tenancy. Obviously, you weren't paying attention.

I heard a ruckus in our office today. I followed the noise to our reception area. Much to my surprise, I had the displeasure of witnessing our (cough) beloved tenant having a complete meltdown. Right there in front of our waiting patients. It seems Foot and Ankle Boy’s feathers got ruffled because he was unable to surf our internet. He was also agitated because our main copier/printer/wonder gadget was out of commission. Guess what? We were able to overcome the copier obstacle by writing down any information vital to our needs and carry on. All that and we don’t even have extra letters behind our names. Can you imagine??

We collectively tried to explain to him that the IT Gods have barred all of us from surfing. We are now forced to be 100% productive while on the clock. Believe it or not, we have never been this fruitful. Of course since Foot and Ankle Boy is above the rest of us, he demanded that we give him the magic password for surfing privileges.

Okay. I agree that proclaiming “DUH!” was more than a bit unprofessional; however the resulting arm flapping was SO worth it. An even better reaction was elicited when we collectively walked away from him mid-tirade. The crowning moment occurred when the Administrator made a very timely visit and clipped the Boy’s wings.

She reminded him that if his needs surpassed what were originally agreed to, he was more than welcome to pay for our staff’s services. Another option given to him was to bring his own computer, copier and whatever other machine and or human he needed to survive in our location. Thirdly, he was reminded that if he could find another office with accommodations such as ours complete with reasonable rent, he was more than welcome to be successful elsewhere.

Oh! SNAP!!

The rest of the day was so very pleasant. Not a peep from Foot and Ankle Boy. Any guesses as to what he will do next? Supply his own equipment and staff or pack up and leave. We have a pool going, let me know if you want in.

My Kidney for a Tank?

Seriously. This petrol pricing thing has gotten way out of control. I know we are all feeling the pain at the pumps. I figured you all would enjoy the new signs appearing soon at your favorite gas station.



Seems fitting.

Precious Commodities

Internets, you never fail me. Thanks for the jokes, limericks, links, etc. Some of you have a sick sense of humor and this is why I love you!

Between you all and these 2, I am trying to refocus.



Hope all of you had a restorative weekend as well.....

Ipso Facto

The weather is quite nice in my part of the world and work is status quo.

Between the death of an Uncle and trying to help a good friend deal with the fact that her young nephew is battling a brain tumor, I am uninspired.

I am appealing to you, Internets. Make me smile. I know I can count on you!

Sad, But So True.....

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful & Psycho


Be prepared AND very afraid!!!

Honor Your Mothers

There are times when only a Mother's love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappoints
And calm all of our fears.

There are times when only a Mother's love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we've dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.

There are times when only a Mother's faith
Can help us on life's way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.

For a Mother's heart and a Mother's faith
And a Mother's steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above.

~Author Unknown~


Wishing all the Moms out there a day filled with pampering and happiness. Enjoy it while it lasts!!

I’ve got nothing but a Trip Down Memory Lane……

"A lick and a promise" was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous.

Here is a list that our parents and grandparents used that we don't hear much anymore. Perhaps you have some memorable old phrases of your own that you could add to the list:

• A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)
• An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)
• A bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)
• At sea (lost or not understanding something)
• Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
• Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
• Barking up the wrong tree (same as above)
• Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose)
• Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
• Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)
• Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)
• Calaboose (a jail)
• Cattywampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
• Dicker (To barter or trade)
• Feather In Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
• Hold your horses (Be patient!)
• Hoosegowl ( a jail)
• I reckon (I suppose)
• Jawing (Talking or arguing)
• Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
• Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)
• Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)
• No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
• Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
• Pert-near (short for pretty near)
• Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
• Red up (clean as the house)
• Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
• Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
• Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
• Sparking (courting)
• Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)
• Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)
• Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
• We wash up real fine (is another goodie)
• Tie the Knot (to get married)
• Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)
• Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
• Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)
• Wearing your "best bib and tucker" (Being all dressed up)
• You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just a lick and a promise.

Get Real

Because I love to share and I hate talking to machines when it comes to customer service issues, I give you this:

If you've called your insurance company lately, or any other large
corporation, then you know that it is near impossible to get an actual human
being on the line. This cool site, created by Paul English, has an
extensive list of big companies and tips on how "to find a human" when you
call them.

This has been another of several PSA's for the Wicked Network - you're welcome!

Ole!

And why don't you have your buzzz on? Pass the magueritas.

Helpful Hints from Wicked H; Long Live the Queen Edition

Apparently her Royal Highness will be visiting our area starting today. In an effort to show the Queen that we Americans have a little decorum, I’d like to share a few Queen related etiquette items.

Bowing and curtsying are no longer acceptable. When meeting the Queen; a simple nod of the head is sufficient. We are to refer to her as Ma’am. Take her lead when it comes to shaking her hand. If she extends the royal hand, grasp it gently. Those fingers are valuable, no sense causing any type of injury. For the topic of small talk, keep it simple. Ask her about the Grand Children; however bringing up their love lives or drunken debauchery, probably not a good idea. If you run out of things to talk about, ask her about that sugar cube that she is rumored to carry in her pocket book.

My invitation must have been lost in the mail, I am sure that is the only reason I was not invited to any of the events surrounding her royal visit. So, if any of you are privileged enough to attend, let the rest of us commoners know how it went.

One last thing if you see her and must wave, remember all digits pointed up as if you were inserting a light bulb into a fixture.

May Day

Dance around a maypole, send a basket of flowers to your favorite friend. Or consider that the Celts chose this day to celebrate the Beltane, the “Return of the Sun.”

These are useless factoids that clutter my brain. You’re welcome!

Bunco Babes

Mama’s lock up your sons. The Bunco Squad is headed out for a weekend of SPAing, drinking, lounging and after all that will surely come carousing. Am I right Ladies???

It is a very tight knit group these Bunco playing Babes. They all have mcmansions and coincidentally all reside in Brain Surgeon’s neighborhood. I have met a scant few of them and they do not disappoint. I am proud to be allowed into the traveling escapades of this sisterhood.

I really hope they don’t whip out the dice and start exchanging recipes because if that is the case, I will surely be a fish out of water. If the e-mail exchanges are any indication, nobody is bringing any dice. It was requested by more than one of them that I bring the ole martini back pack and a couple of appetizers. Others are bringing numerous bottles of wine, red and white, beer, champagne and a few concoctions I have never heard of but am anxious to try out.

So if you will excuse me, I need to figure out what clothes to bring along for the times we are not lounging around in fluffy white robes sipping lemon water and relaxing. Also, I need to start my liver exercises so that I can try and delay what surely will become cirrhosed soon enough.

Off to the mountains where I will surround myself with mood lighting, the sound of trickling water, soothing lotions and potions to purify and de-age skin and assuagement.

Try not to miss me, too much.

The Brain Tumor Society's Race for Hope

This year the Family Wicked has decided to support the Brain Tumor Society by participating in their Race for Hope.

If you happen to be in DC on Sunday May 6th and you run into Brain Surgeon, Sous Chef Mermaid and myself, cheer us on. This race is near and dear to Brain Surgeon for a few reasons, the first being that this is her area of expertise. The reason we are joining is to support one of her collegues. A family member of the collegue is suffering from an inoperable tumor and we hope that by cooperating to the cause other's will be more fortunate.

This being a relatively private blog, I am not too keen on giving you a direct donation button to our team. However, if you are so inclined feel free to donate by going here.

It's certainly a worthy cause and we are proud to be representing.

Family Wicked is in the House!

Stipulation Upon Further Review

Until recently, I just did not quite grasp the whole wisdom appearing with age concept. This month it not only made an appearance, I used my finesse to get my point across. Are conditions ideal? At the moment for me, impeccable.

I don’t understand the entire process of the circumstances. I believe they will come to light as time passes and scenarios take place. I do have an extensive perspicacity of the fraternity. It is a very transparent congregation. No better or worse than myself, mere mortals.

There is no failure to communicate, rather a grand decay of epic proportions. Or is it really?

For now, I am satisfied. Those who know me are aware that if the mood strikes, things can change rather expeditiously. I am content to control the center for the best mobility and forward progression.

Mother Earth

Thank you for giving us the most beautiful Spring weekend after a rather chilly and chilling week. I promise to be more Green. In fact here is just a sampling of what I am capable of:



Happy Earth Day everyone.

Palliate

I have chosen not to write about the horror that took place on Monday at VT. It’s been over done and even though I don’t personally know anyone who was either killed or injured, it hurts. I can’t explain it. You will have to trust me on this one.

Instead, I want to pass this along to you all. If it means something to you please participate if not, that’s okay too.

Hokie Hope: Orange and Maroon Effect - Friday, April 20th 2007
Virginia Tech family members across the country have united to declare this Friday, April 20, an "Orange and Maroon Effect" day to honor those killed in the tragic events on campus Monday and to to show support for VT students, faculty, administrators, staff, alumni, and friends.

We invite everyone across the country to be part of the Virginia Tech family this Friday and wear orange and maroon to support the families of those who were lost and support the school and community we all love so much.

Find all your loved ones, family, friends, whatever it takes and give them all a huge hug. We all need it.

Beam Him Up

Sanjaya, don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

Good riddance!

That. Is. All.

Happy Birthday to Them!

(Holden Beach, NC circa 1998 - my favorite photo of my Parents)

They are the wonderful people who give just so much,
and who bring joy to the lives that they touch.
They are the two special people who are willing to share.
Who are never too busy to listen and care.
They're the ones who encourage and patiently guide.
Who think of their children with enormous pride.
And because their devotion and loving is true,
their family ties last a whole lifetime through.
~Author Unknown~

Please join me in wishing my Parents who share the same exact birthday; month, day and year, best wishes and many happy, healthy returns. My sisters, nieces, B-I-Ls and I are so very lucky to still have them in our lives. Even though dealing with issues that arise with age, we wouldn’t trade the time we get to spend together for anything else in the world.

Happy Birthday Mom and Dad, we love you very much!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm...

(Kudos to HFS for bringing this to my attention)

Just how well can you swim?

Go Google driving instructions from NY, New York to Paris France. Pay particular attention to item # 23.

Personally, I prefer flying.

Discuss.

Be Afraid, VERY Afraid!

Only if you are a triskadekaphobic. Otherwise, be happy that is it Friday.

Not much to report kids. Hope your day goes by fast and without incident.

Cocktails start promptly at 5:00. See you there.....

Auditions for New Easter Mascot Being Held....

Oh dear!

There went Peter Cotton Tail. Evidently not hopping down the bunny trail fast enough.

Medical Jab

Back when my Father was doing his emergency department rotation as a lowly intern, he encountered a drunkard who had some how ended up with a very precise cut on his neck. It looked as though someone took a sharp object from behind and sliced him left to right. The wound required a layered closure which my Father was happy to repair; although his patient’s belligerence was keeping him from suturing. The injury was not life threatening but needed to be done.

My Father, being quick on his feet and tired of arguing with his patient, asked the nurse to get him another instrument from the other room. The nurse noticed that the instrument that he needed was already laid out on the tray in front of him. Dutifully, she left the room. Once she was out of sight, my Father tried once more to calm the drunk down to no avail.

The patient was simply not cooperating. Instead of wasting time debating with him, my Father hit the patient on the forehead with his elbow. It knocked him out cold. Why the elbow? My Father was already set up in a sterile field; his elbow didn’t need to be sterile.

When the nurse returned, without the instrument, my Father was almost done suturing the patient. She inquired as to the status of the patient’s consciousness. My Father said that he passed out from the alcohol. As he left the room, he asked the nurse to give him an ice pack for the goose egg on his forehead.

Happy Easter

The Easter Bunny is out looking for Punxsutawney Phil. Phil has some explaining to do, what's up with this chill?

I leave you with this cute Easter funny:



A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?", she asked.

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",

To which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Field Trip!!!

I know all of us are always searching for that new restaurant. I have found it. Feast your eyes on this:




The World's First All-gla ss Undersea Restaurant Opens

The Maldives | 15 April marks the day that the first ever all-glass undersea restaurant in the world opens its doors for business at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. It will sit five meters below the waves of the Indian Ocean, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and encased in clear acrylic offering diners 270-degrees of panoramic underwater views.

"We have used aquarium technology to put diners face-to-face with the stunning underwater environment of the Maldives", says Carsten Schieck, General Manager of Hilton Ma ldives Resort & Spa. "Our guests always comment on being blown away by the colour, clarity, and beauty of the underwater world in the Maldives, so it seemed the perfect idea to build a restaurant where diners can experience fine cuisine and take time to enjoy the views - without ever getting their feet wet."

Created by MJ Murphy Ltd, a design consultancy based in New Zealand, Ithaa's distinctive feature is the use of curved transparent acrylic walls and roof, similar to those used in aquarium attractions. "The fact that the entire restaurant except for the floor is made of clear acrylic makes this unique in the world," continues Schieck, "We are currently planting a coral garden on the reef to add to the spectacular views of the rays, sharks and many colourful fish that live around the area.

Baseball Season Trivia

On April 2nd 1931, 17 year old Jackie Mitchell became the first woman to pitch on a men’s professional baseball team, the Chattanooga Baseball Club of the Southern Association. As the starting pitcher in an exhibition game, she fanned two batters in a row – Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig!

Play Ball !!

Jocularity

The Southerners enjoy their pranks. Maybe because there isn't much in the way of entertainment, the East Jesus Folks can't wait for April 1st to roll around. I will tell you first hand that they do not mess around with the April Fools Day hijinks.

April 1, 1995 I was letting my dog Dexter out into the front yard for his morning ritual of greeting the school kids. I used to live in the center of town, Main Street. My street was the only way in and out of town. As soon as I hooked up his lead, he began barking incessantly. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something in my yard. I put on something presentable, I didn’t want to scare or scar the kids, and went out front to find one of those storks set up in my front yard announcing to God and everyone that I just had a boy. I was neither seeing anyone nor gestational. I decided I would leave the stork there since whoever went to the trouble did make me chuckle.

All day long I was receiving phone calls from friends and townies. Some were asking me if Dexter had sired another round of puppies some were congratulating me, etc. The best call came from my lawyer, Max. He asked me the same questions and I told him it was an April Fools Day joke. He told me that he would be happy to assist me in retaliation. So I called up the local florist and asked him who had placed the stork order. I called Max back and told him the culprits were a nurse and a nurse practitioner in one of my remote clinics. He told me that he would send a Sheriff’s Deputy to the clinic with a summons and have them arrested. Why not, I was a temporary Southerner after all. I told him to go ahead. The deal was that the Deputy would call me before he set out so that I could be there when the "arrest" happened.

I made my way to the clinic like I usually did just to check in and see how things were going. While I was there the Deputy showed up. He came into the clinic with his summons and read the charges to both culprits, hand-cuffed them and as they were being placed into the Sheriff’s car I wished them all Happy April Fools Day! I so wish I had a camera that day.

What’s your best April Fools Day gag; delivered or received?

Home Stretch

Well friends, it has been one long month. For someone who is deathly afraid of the dentist, in the past thirty days he and I have become quite close. If I am not mistaken, I may have single handedly financed two of his eight children’s college education. I don’t want to jinx myself or him at this point, but I am hoping and praying that I have reached the summit of my dental debacle.

I will spare you most of the gory details. I would like to share that when I told my sister the brain surgeon the details of the major procedure I had done, she herself told me to stop. BS said that if I didn’t stop with the details, she was going to vomit. This, from the woman who digs into people’s brains every day at least thirty times a day. Enough said.

I have been plagued with bad teeth forever. I’ve been through countless procedures. My previous dentist who could not completely numb my mouth due to scar tissue, told me that either he’d have to stop mid-extraction or I would have to tough it out. He had given me the legal and illegal limit of Novocain. I told him that if he didn’t mind me breaking the arm rest of his surgical dental lounge chair, to carry on. He must have thought I was kidding because the look of surprise when I handed him the entire arm rest was priceless.

Friends, I urge you not to repeat my mistakes. Be responsible flossers. Listen to your dental professionals. Or suffer the consequences and be prepared to put their children through college or finance the remodeling of their recreation room.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams......

It's going to be one of those weeks. Hope yours is much better.

Self Editing a Simple Example

My sister, the Brain Surgeon (BS), works at one of the area’s premier hospitals. (If you ever have the need for a BS and you live in the area, e-mail me and I’ll set you up with the best team.)

During a recent night shift which for her specialty is never a slow night, she was called to the trauma room. Once she evaluated her patient she was in a common area writing orders, labs, etc. It was a particularly busy night and one of the nurses asked if BS could check up on a couple of patients while she was in the area.

Trauma Nurse: Hey, I know we didn’t call you for this patient but while you are here, could you take a look?

BS: Sure, no problem.

TN: Okay, how about this guy over here?

BS: You’ve got to be kidding me? Fine.

TN: Just one more?

BS: Where is the gun??

Before she could finish her normal statement of “shoot me now,” the Secret Service agent who was accompanying the last patient quickly lowered the paper he was reading and was at full attention. The TN had to explain to him that this was the BS’s way of letting off steam. There was no gun and there would be no shooting.

4 is the Magic Number

We had a drug rep luncheon today. The Drug Dealer was as pleasant as she could be. Her excitement could not be contained. She told us that the ED drug that she represents has started a new marketing campaign.

Apparently, four is now a magic number for many reasons. Among them, the degree of erection is a stage four; I can’t think of either sex having too much to complain about in that respect. Four is also magic because when the gentlemen who take this drug and get it refilled consistently, their fourth refill is always going to be free.

I am all for affordable medicines. However, I have a real difficult time understanding why medications targeted specifically for women such as birth control pills, can’t have the same magical component. Being in the business of medicine, I don't understand why not only do BCP not offer any type of discount, many of them are no longer covered by insurance companies.

It doesn’t seem to make sense. Just something I had to throw out there to chew on.

The Cronies’ Luncheon

They’ve been friends for well over 30 years and time has only made their bond stronger. My Mom and her BFFs. They are a collective trip without luggage. I was able to sit in on the latest luncheon which covered so many varied topics it is hard to remember all the details let alone what lead to the story in the first place. I am going to do my best and cover the highlights:

They each show up with a bag filled with the latest knitting projects. I spent three hours with them, trust me not too much knitting and purling going on. It is all a big rouse, perhaps a reason to meet once a week. As if they need permission at this stage in the game.

Believe it or not we had a long discussion on the topic of Breast Nazis. When I showed them the picture of the Augmenter, hysteria ensued. Ladies in their 70s and 80s are capable of snorting laughter. I only wish I had an audio tape to share.

I hate it when my elders are right about dissecting my character. These women did not miss a beat. So I was moody as a teen, I admit it. Trust me, I was not always this interested in their opinions. One even admitted to being afraid of me. Oh, the power! I try to use it for good at this stage of my game.

They conduct swap meets. My Mom was able to unload six of over one hundred table cloths which have not seen the light of day in decades. Be free linens, enjoy your new homes.

The best remedy for hangovers, tripe soup. Who knew? They did and each had a story with a hypothesis, experiment and proof. I just cannot get over the smell of that stuff. Next bender, I am investing in some nose plugs then off to consume some tripe soup.

I came away with a new respect for these old gals. I only hope I am half as entertaining when I get to be their age. Who am I kidding, if I make it to their age? Rock on Cronies.

The Family Jewels

We gathered this weekend for a gastronomical feast prepared by my Mom. She surprises me lately, all in a good way. The younger version of her could put together an eight course dinner party like nobody’s business. It is expected that the octogenarian version’s food and prep may not live up to what used to be; however this weekend it was all good.

This gathering was extra special in that Mom has decided to start her grand daughter’s dowries. She did not make a huge deal out of it. I was expecting more pomp and circumstance; she likes to give and make a production. This time she simply handed Sous-Chef Mermaid (age 11) and Smelly (age one month) each a ring box. It was kind of cool seeing the surprise and joy in Mermaid’s face. She eagerly took the ring out and modeled it for everyone. Smelly was oblivious. I am sure she'll appreciate it when the time comes. Maternal Countessa exclaimed that she would gladly wear it until Smelly is ready. Uncle Fun, MC’s husband, declared that the ring would be kept in a safe place until his daughter was in need of the sparkler.

I jokingly asked where my bauble was but since I have not and cannot produce grandchildren, I was left out of the dowry department. That’s okay. Dexter, the first grandson/dog was spoiled rotten by his grandmother. I am sure he was wagging his tail from heaven.

I present to you, the first of many installments of the Family Jewels:

Because Sometimes All We Need is a Little Levity

(A moment to interrupt the levity with a hearty congrats to MY TERPS!!! Boo Yah!)

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and sirens blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the old speedster. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Porsche, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.

I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

Dear Whining Grumblers:

If you are going to complain about a co-worker following a meeting while in a public restroom with multiple stalls, it may behoove you to make sure said victim is not in the stall next to you.

I did my best not to look you straight in the eye and say ZING! I was quite composed and told both of you how wonderful it was to see you again.

Try again later, this obviously backfired on you.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked

The Augmenter

My 3 week old niece is finally getting properly nourished. As a medical family, we all did relatively well staying out of the new parent’s business. I am sure every new parent has much adjusting to do and meddling family members can’t be of much comfort. After 2 weeks of wrestling with breast feeding mishaps, the new parents caved and decided to give Smelly formula along with the minimal amount of breast milk being produced by Maternal Countessa via bottle.

In a last ditch effort, my B-I-L wanted to visit the lactation specialists one more time to see if more breast milk could be produced. Maternal Countessa whipped out a contraption that she wanted us to see. This is the latest in Breast Nazi gadgetry. What the Nazis wanted them to do was hang the makeshift flask filled with formula around the mother’s neck, tape the tiny tubes around the nipples and expect the baby to nurse from the mother’s nipple and the plastic tubing simultaneously.



Once the snorting enhanced laughing subsided, the sister’s Wicked had the following exchange:

WH: Pass the tissues, I can’t stop crying from laughing!
Brain Surgeon (BS): (Still heaving with laughter)
MC: (Also wiping tears from her eyes)
WH: Hey, are they really serious about this contraption???
MC: Yes!
BS: And what was your reaction?
MC: Well we tried to keep a straight face, but it was difficult.
WH: No wonder Brittney shaved her head!
BS: That’s right! You better have B-I-L keep the shears locked up tight!
MC: Snort!!
WH: Hopefully B-I-L has gotten over the breast feeding thing by now.
BS: I know, we can hang the formula around his neck and let him tape the tubes to his nipples and then he can understand why this is ridiculous!
MC: (Ran off to the bathroom to keep from wetting her pants)

As you can see, none of us are tree huggers. We give great props to any mother out there who has the sanity to use The Supplementer. However, we feel that the Breast Nazis need to really get a grip on reality and simply support the decision of the parents.

Smelly is doing very well. Plus this way, we can all assist in the nourishing.

Aclockolypse Now

This is a friendly reminder that Sunday morning at 2 am, either Daylight’s Savings Time will quietly come into play or the world as we know it will end.

Seriously if the IT peeps of the world are not ready, how difficult would it be for us to manually update the time on the gadgets that get us through the day? Think about it, what did we do before all the technotronics? We shall over come this just like we did the whole Y2K thing. Everybody calm down.

While you are changing the time on your clocks, also check your smoke detectors.

This concludes the Wicked Network PSA.

The Art of Being Thrown Under the Bus

We are all human. Agreed?

Why is it easier for some to attempt to divert attention from a colossal mistake versus owning up to the fault and making every effort to ensure it never happens again? This is a serious question I am throwing out to you.

My assessment is that the one who does the pushing is so painfully stupid that they do not realize the punishment will become nearly unbearable when the truth comes out. Of course, the requirement for a successful set up would involve adroit precision. Ah. Never mind. I have answered my own question.

However; if you have an opinion, I’d love to hear it.

Anticappointment

As per usual the forecasters got my hopes up and this is about all we received.



I consider any amount of measurable snow gravy at this point in the season. It put me in a great mood. My Niece, Sous-Chef Mermaid, did get the day off and I didn’t even have to wrestle with my jammies, consume oatmeal cookies or wash a spoon. The snow and the tide, things that make me smile.

What works for you?

Thank God for Escalating Car Insurance Rates

Well this is not exactly how Billy Joel broached the subject. He did tell us that instead of touring to promote a new album, his car insurance rates went through the roof, touring was his only option. He needs the cash. This is why I love this man, owning up to it and putting on one great show.

I have been to at least six of his shows over the years and this one was, by far, the best. Not because the effects or sound mixing was far superior than any other show. He had no reason to pander to the audience, he picked from his vast repertoire and entertained us for more than two and a half hours. I had never seen him perform Zanzibar live, if I had to pick one as a favorite that would be it. It was a little disheartening to see that the Carolina crowd did not know many of the nuances involved with his songs but HFS and I made up for the rest. How can you not sway as a group during Piano Man?? Half the crowd was on the right page.

My trip to Raleigh and back could not have been more perfect. Any time spent with HFS is always an adventure. So we were geographically challenged for about 20 minutes, whatever. During each plane ride, my seat mate kept quiet which is exactly what I wanted especially on the way down. On the way back up, I admit to nursing a slight hangover. A quiet seat mate was just what the doctor ordered.

If you are a fan and he comes to your town, I highly recommend the concert. Tell him Wicked sent you and don’t take any shit from anyone!

Step Right Up, Hurry Hurry, Before the Show Begins

I must have a sign on my forehead or something, thank goodness I sport some bangs. If there is going to be an odd happening that takes place in front of a window, chances are good that it will occur right outside mine. I don’t go searching for these things they just seem to happen. My office window looks out to our parking lot. Many patients will wave to me as they exit their car on their way into our site.

Last week, a de-constructed strip tease took place right outside my office window. It was very early and the car attracted my attention because it took the driver several maneuvers to park his car. His vehicle is a standard sized sedan which really shouldn’t have been that difficult to park. In any case, the young man exited his vehicle and went to his rear passenger door. He proceeded to unzip his trousers so that he could tuck in his shirt. Once he tucked and re-tucked the shirt he zipped back up and retrieved a jar from the car and placed it on the hood. Then he put on his tie. He then retrieved some hair product from the jar and proceeded to complete his hairdo. After all the primping, he put on his short white lab jacket and loaded up all his pockets with his medical paraphernalia.

I realized at that moment that this was our newest medical student. Imagine my joy when our receptionist was too busy to escort him back to meet the doctors. I jumped at the chance. I ushered him back to the nurse’s station. Our baby doc (my term of endearment for all the students) was quite self-assured. Everyone was busy so I told him to make himself comfortable and the doctor would be out soon.

As I walked away, I couldn’t resist. I thanked our baby doc for the show and asked him if this was to be a daily occurrence? If so, I told him I would charge admission to my office so that everyone could enjoy the production. He looked very confused as he was oblivious to his surroundings during his de-constructed strip tease. When I mentioned how great his hair looked, the look of embarrassment appeared.

That my friends is what we call the Wicked H hazing. If the baby docs can get through that, they will be quite successful in their future endeavors.

He has learned to be fully dressed before he arrives to our office. My work here is done.

Air Traffic Warning

Listen, a note to my fellow passengers. I am headed out of town this weekend at a stress level of DEFCON 3.

Whichever one of you out there is to be my seat mate, kindly refrain from engaging me in conversation if I am actively reading my book or listening to my tunes.

This is more for you than me. You are really going to have to trust me on this one. Leave me alone and no ones’ feelings will get hurt. On the trip back, things will be markedly better and if that seat mate wants to discuss anything from belly button lint to the theory of relativity, I will be more than happy to oblige.

I thank you in advance.

Enough is Enough!

I have had it. They’ve had it. The feeling is not gone but I will not think twice and I will move on. I’ve reached the end and I won’t pretend. It. Is. Over.

One would think that software designers were put on the planet to make things easier for those who utilize their expertise. In my work’s case, nothing could be further from the truth. I honestly don’t want to discuss it. Just know that a programmer told us that an upgrade would fix a problem and it very well may have, however it created a colossal issue that has kicked my ass for an entire month.

When even I get tired of hearing myself whine incessantly about it, it is time to stop. So this is my way of letting it go. The issue will linger for a while but I am officially done complaining about it. It has not helped me one iota to vent so I am putting a fork into the grumbling.

Let us all return to our regularly scheduled programming. Shall we?

Road Rage

There have been 2 cases here recently about drivers being arrested for throwing missiles at other cars as a way to release their road rage. One woman spent seven weeks in jail for launching her missile which was a large cup of ice. Yesterday a gentleman was arrested for hurling his missile, a cup of coffee, at the vehicle that cut him off in traffic.

I am not advocating any type of violence against anyone. However, if I am going to be charged with a felony due to road rage, it is going to be for shooting out someone’s tires. The throwing of ice or hurling of coffee would just not release my rage.

Good thing I can keep it all in check while driving.

Seriously people, chill!

Calm Before the Freeze

I should have wished for a million dollars. When we got our premature Spring like weather last week, I told anyone who would listen that I need another snow fall before Spring arrives.

Poof !



Of course the forecast calls for a deep freeze later on. If you will excuse me, I am going to light the fireplace and enjoy this gorgeous site before we get freeze dried.

For the record, I am going to wear my PJs inside out and backwards so that my niece, Sous-Chef Mermaid will not have to endure school tomorrow. If you all care for her at all, you will join me.

Hey Other Shoe, Drop Already

Whew! It has been a long time since I have had this much stress in a week. I won’t whine about the details, it really isn’t worth it. This week it was my turn, so be it.

I can tell you that three trips to the Chiropractor, countless hours spent on a heating pad and more than a few libations have not released the spasm residing under both of my shoulder blades.

Uncle! There I said it. It was worth a try. I am sad to report that the spasms remain.

Hope you all had a much better week. Go forth and frolic through the weekend.

Breast Nazis

Smelly’s mom, now re-named Maternal Countessa, and is having a difficult time with the whole breast feeding issue. Having never been pregnant, I can only offer moral support. I have nothing to draw on other than having a bit of knowledge and having been around many friends who have gone through the same exact issues after delivering their children.

I do know that no matter how much knowledge the lactation specialists can deliver, each mother and child have to come up with the best system for themselves. As a new mother, Maternal Countessa is of course trying every method offered to her as well as listening to her friends who have breast fed before her. She asked her Ob/GYN about it as well. He had a very good take on the situation regarding the pressure Maternal Countessa is feeling. He told her that the lactation specialists seem to think of the world as one big breast. Indeed, that is a very good analogy.

On a recent phone conversation Maternal Countessa and I had the following exchange:

Wicked: How’s life with Smelly? Getting used to everything?

Maternal Countessa: This whole breast feeding thing, it’s just not going well. Plus they keep calling to tell me how I am doing it wrong.

Wicked: Who is calling?

MC: The lactation specialists. They are making me feel guilty.

Wicked: They feel it is their mission to make sure every new mom follows their instructions to the letter. Life doesn’t work that way. You and Smelly will come up with a system that works well for you.

MC: (Sigh) I am doing the best I can.

Wicked: Of course you are, Smelly is growing the pediatrician is not unhappy with her progress.

MC: True. I just don’t want to talk to them anymore.

Wicked: Then don’t, screen the call. If you need their help you know how to contact them. The Breast Nazis can just back off.

MC: Snort!

Clyde of the Netherland Carbuncles

Dear Clyde:

It has been brought to my attention that your eviction is needed post haste. How dare you make yourself comfortable in such a precarious location? I highly suggest that you leave on your own accord. We wish you no harm but if we are forced to extricate, things could get extremely ugly.

Hunker down my friend and come to the understanding that if you gather all your worldly possessions in one fell swoop, your departure will be harmless to all involved. Clyde, you are a crafty devil but you do not know the healing powers in play. We have methods, so many theorems and postulates that will be put into place. Some of which have been put to the test as we speak.

Consider this your final warning. Evacuate or face the consequences. Heed my admonition. I am studying up on my powers of excision. Withdraw on your own terms and no one will get hurt.

Otherwise, I see a bleak future for you, my friend.

Hugs and Kisses – Wicked H

She Has My Sense of Humor!!!

As evidenced by this shot.



I was able to spend some quality bonding time with my new niece, for now I shall continue to call her Smelly until she has the chance to develop a personality. She did wink at her cousin, Sous-Chef Mermaid, after I told a side splitting joke.

Those of you, who have president’s Day off, enjoy! The rest of us will return to the daily grind.

Sometimes Being Literal is Better

Our recent winter storm reminded me of the time when I was living in Pinehurst North Carolina. Because snow is a rarity there is/was no means in which to remove the white stuff in place.

I was baby sitting an infant in her own home while her parents went to a medical conference. The first night Pinehurst got 22 inches of snow. The area was paralyzed. The power and water went out that night. Luckily they had a gas fireplace and a gas stove/oven. I was able to keep the bay warm and fed for 2 days. By the third day I knew if the parents were not able to return to the home, Emma and I would have to head out on foot to one of the many shelters being set up in the area. Emma’s parents made it back and headed out to a relative’s home for shelter.

I was able to book a room in a hotel with a functional generator. By then the roads were passable for SUV type vehicles. Once comfortably ensconced in my hotel room I was listening to the radio. Many calls were being made requesting assistance. The best call was one from a woman who was desperate to have her street cleared. Although her terminology was very different; she stated that her street was in dire need of being scraped.

Scraped indeed; we call it plowing. As I look out my office window to the rather poor job done clearing our parking lot, I think to myself the person in charge of street scraping did not do the best job.

Dear Tricked Out Pick Up Truck Driver:

In case you haven’t noticed, we had a rather nasty ice and sleet sometimes mixed with snow issue yesterday. Last night anything that wasn’t completely cleared off the roads, re-froze making it more hazardous to drive this morning than ever. Therefore, I chose to hit the road a full hour earlier so that I could avoid fucktards such as you.

When I realized you were going to tail gate my ass my entire route, I chose a safer spot in the road to pull over so you could get on your way quicker. Sorry if I was unwilling to recreate the Indy 500 on my way to work. I did notice that you tried to impress me with your driving prowess by speeding up as you passed me. Imagine my delight when you spun out and landed in the ditch.

Sweet revenge thou art mine.

To the rest of you, slow the hell down. There is not a single vehicle that can navigate ice. I honestly don’t care what the rest of you do until it impacts me. Don’t be stupid, just take your time.

Love and Kisses - Wicked

PJ’s Inside Out AND Backwards

Finally, a measurable snow and sleet storm which closed even my office. The business of healing rarely closes, so this is big.

I am giving myself one more hour of laziness before I go out and chip away at my front steps and car. Happy Valentine’s Day, stay warm and be safe.

( I realize the Metro area is a wuss compared to those states that routinely get blizzard like conditions.)

It’s a Niece!!!!!

I am very happy to report that the newest addition to the family has arrived via Cesarean section.

Please join me in welcoming EMH 6 pounds 6 ounces and 18.4 inches.


Baby, Mother and Father are all doing well.

Martini’s for everyone!!!

Dental Terror, Histrionics and Hospital Admittance

In other words, a typical weekend at the Wicked Family compound.

My visit to the dentist yielded a month long treatment plan, oh joy! I am happy to report that I really like this dentist and also that I am and was not in denial as to what the treatment plan was going to be. It is getting through the process with my nerves in tact that was my issue. In any case, I will put on my brave face for the month long ordeal and then hopefully live a happy and healthy dental life until the dental Gods throw me another curve.

Gestational Countessa, my youngest sister, has been hospitalized. She is 37 weeks pregnant and my future niece is giving her high blood pressure. Because we are a medical family, we know all the pros and cons involved with this situation. I find it easier to be ignorant in these cases as it makes the hurry up and wait process much simpler. That being said, Gestational Countessa is very comfortable with her Doctors and she is not showing any signs of stress. She is comfortably resting in the hospital waiting to hear what comes next. The sister’s Wicked and Sous-Chef Mermaid spent all of Saturday keeping Gestational Countessa company. It’s amazing how tired you can get from simply sitting in a chair in a hospital room watching non-stop coverage of the passing of Anna Nicole. As I left the Wicked Family compound very early this morning I can report that there has been no progress on the future niece front.

My Mom does not handle medical crises very well. I love my Mom but she has always had a hysterical personality. The second she heard that her youngest was hospitalized, she went into DEFCON 3 histrionics. She has no control over this reactionary method but it throws the rest of us into a tail spin. We don’t know which crisis to handle first. My Dad took over the DEFON 3 situation while the rest of us rallied around Gestational Countessa.

So this week my priorities are to make sure my martini back pack is fully stocked at ALL times. It’s going to be a rough month friends. Buckle up for the ride.

Petrified

I can usually get myself through most situations but the dentist terrifies me. Unfortunately, I have many issues with my choppers. I am sure it is the exact reason I am so afraid. If I know that it’s a simple cleaning, I suffer no anxiety at all. Otherwise, I am an internal basket case. I was raised not to project my anxiety onto others.

I have to have a major procedure done and I have to go today to meet the dentist that will perform the services. I can think of a million other things I’d rather do instead of visiting the dentist but I know I cannot put it off any longer.

So wish me luck or wish me the least amount of discomfort. If you don’t hear form me for a couple of days, it’s because it all didn’t go as smoothly as I am hoping.
Have a good weekend. Those of us in cold climates, try and stay warm.

Hoof and Proximal Talus Boy

I have the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with a specialist who rents space from one of our sites. He is an annoying man who feels that he deserves some special treatment because he has a few letters following his last name.

During one of our encounters, he made the mistake of entering my office demanding that I fax something for him. I have my own fax machine in my office. I told him that he may use my machine and continued on with my work. He stood in front of my desk while extending the papers he needed faxed. I told him again to help himself to my machine. His response, “I don’t have time to fax anything, you do it.”

My reply was thus: “you are a tenant here; you are not renting the staff only the space. We are all busy people. If your time is too precious to operate a fax machine, I suggest you hire an assistant.” He stood there stunned. He then stomped out of my office.

He occasionally makes the mistake of demanding something from me and I just chuckle and ask him to leave my office.

Seriously, we all put our underwear on one leg at a time. I don’t care how many degrees you might have. Get over yourself.

New York State of Mind

If you have to pick one place in the USA to hold an impromptu family reunion, New York City is the perfect location!

I have always wondered if the closeness I have with my cousins would have evolved in the same way had we been raised on the same continent. I had not seen my cousin for 22 years. I, along with my older sister, BIL and niece, had the distinct pleasure of spending the weekend with her, her husband and a couple of their very close friends.

Highlights:
As soon as we saw each other Friday night, we picked right up from the moment we last saw each other.

Not only does her husband fit in with our family, his sense of humor may be better than my own.

Being part of the energy that is New York.

We only spent one hour in search of high end lotions and potions for the preservation of youthful skin. I was able to talk my cousin and her friend off of the shopping jag while I was in NY.

Mid day cocktails at South Street Sea Port. We are all water lovers.

Being made fun of for befriending every cab driver we encountered. Hey I was in the front seat each time, they didn’t seem to mind chatting with me.

Watching my BIL actually having a great time away from his 5 mile perimeter comfort zone. We or at least you and BS should really do that more often.

Martini party back in my room.

Lowlights:
The drive up was pretty treacherous but BIL got us there in one piece. He didn’t quite trust his navigational system, the Sisters Wicked, but we got there safe and sound.

The weather was more than a bit nippy.

Getting spit on while having lunch at ESPN Zone. Some stupid kids in the rafters. I drowned them in the East River, it’s all good.

Our hotel neighbor pounding on our adjoining door due to boisterous laughter during the martini party. In our defense, it was only 10:30 on a Saturday night. Maybe we should have invited him.

We packed much fun into our short time together. I only hope it doesn’t take me 22 more years to see her again.

Is Your Hoboken?

What happens when you place two siblings who are giddy with the thought of taking a bite out of the big apple along with a navigationally challenged BIL and an 11 year old niece? One fantastic journey up to NYC.

Currently, I am trying to recover from the trek. I promise to go into more detail soon. I wanted to tell you how the title of this post came to fruition.

We were on the NJ turnpike making our way when BIL who was driving asked BS to point out the opening to his hot tea. I casually commented from the back seat and told him to use his tongue to feel the hole and then take a sip. I was trying to be helpful. That was how I was able to drink my coffee. Instead of trying that, the combination of BIL and BS suffered from a case of gutter mindedness. They were chastising me for making that comment in front of my niece and they were giggling uncontrollably. In my defense, I was honestly trying to be beneficial not suggestive. Also my niece was jamming to her Ipod, she would have been unaware of what I said had they not reacted so sophomorically.

In an attempt to defer attention, BS saw the sign for the city in Jersey. She asked us if our Hoboken? This of course lead to more raucous laughter and my niece into further confusion.

Score!

It was the perfect way to begin our adventure.

94.7 The Arrow

Anyone know what happened? The format has changed. I want my Classic Rock back!!

Dammit!

So Excited Can Barely Hide It!

Well kids the back pack is fully stocked and the camera charged and ready. A few of the Family Wicked are getting ready to take a field trip. We will be gathering at my all time favorite place to have a reunion with my cousin who I have not personally seen in over 22 years.

More details after we return. If you’ll excuse me I am busy getting work caught up and then right after work tomorrow I’ll begin my adventure. Other than hotel reservations there are no itineraries. That is my kind of adventure. It makes the rest of my group a little twitchy but what’s a journey without some shivers.

Be good. I don’t want to hear that anyone of you had more fun than me. In fact I know it is not a possibility.

Be back soon…

I’d Like to Call this Meeting to Order

Recently, I attended a business lunch. We gathered at a local restaurant for what I thought was going to be a huge yawn fest. I hate it when I am wrong.

I will give you little snippets of our meeting:

Fearless Leader: Woo Hoo, we are out of the office!!!

Financial Delegates: Yes, thanks for taking us out to lunch. It’s a nice change.

FL: OH! Are those balloons free for the taking???

FD: We think so.

FL: (Up and out of her seat to gather a balloon for each of us) (While affixing the balloon to each of our chairs) Hey cutie (speaking to our server), we are celebrating 5 birthdays today. Can you hook us up?

FD: (Collective groan)

Wicked H: (To the server) No, really we aren’t.

FL: You are out of order Wicked!

Server: (After our orders were taken) Is there anything else I can get for you?

FL: HATS!!! Hats would make this all perfect!

Server: Unfortunately we don’t have hats.

FL: Bummer!

Believe it or not we had an agenda, we got through it. I am not sure anyone came away with any type of new knowledge at the conclusion of our meeting. I am sure that the patrons in our section as well as the rest of the restaurant were either highly entertained or extremely annoyed.

Please tell me you all have more yawn fest type meetings. Also, are there any openings where you work???

Oooo, Eeee, Ooooo, Ah, Ah...

I survived the estrogen overload festival otherwise known as Gestational Countessa’s baby shower. It was not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. It was hosted by my Mother who was very smart and had us all gather at a local restaurant.

My Mother and I arrived early to set the place up and BS and Sous-Chef Mermaid were not too far behind. Of course our favors were a hit, anything hand made usually is. BS and I were going to play a drinking game during the event. The premise was anytime any of the guests tried to retrieve chocolate from the favor, we’d have to take a shot. Unfortunately, I did not have enough in my flask to cover the event and we really did not witness anyone trying to destroy our work.

GC’s friends jumped into action during the gift reveal, so not only did I not have to write down every detail of who gave what, I also was able to avoid the dreaded ooooooos and ahhhhhhhhhs.

I am more than a little excited to meet my new niece. Hopefully she won’t show up on time as I have a date with Billy Joel in Raleigh. Smelly, if you are tuning in, either come early or at least 2 days late.

Love and Kisses - Aunt Wicked

Apropos

Although it is extremely cold outside, it’s about damn time. Winter is for layers and hats and scarves, etc.

With that in mind, I leave you with this quote:

“All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.”

Discuss……

Treatment Paradigm

I have mentioned before how I’d rather the pharmaceutical reps that frequent our sites make medicines more affordable across the board rather than providing us with nice lunches and fantastic gadgets. However; nothing excites me more than watching a rep lose their air of smugness.

Today happened to be one of those days. The Drug Dealer was repeating her rehearsed speech, something she has obviously memorized, when one of the Doctors asked her something not on her fancy schmancy diagrams. I believe the look is referred to as “deer in headlights.” Added to her not being able to scramble for a good answer to the question was the fact that her supervisor was accompanying her. The Drug Dealers do not like when they are being observed.

I had to leave the lunch room as I was beginning to actually feel sorry for her. Although her supervisor could not come up with the answer either. I am telling you that one cannot buy this type of entertainment at lunch time.

Vampire Cannot Operate the Lights on Her Vehicle, Film at Eleven

It is going to be one of those days. A short time ago, I made the pact with myself to not get involved with things that don’t directly impact me. Of course it’s a difficult switch for me, a process. I have gotten pretty good at it, until this morning.

We have a contracted phlebotomist who is at our location. For some reason, the company that places them here can’t seem to keep the same person for more than one or two weeks at a time. I stopped trying to learn the new person’s name each time. This week it was announced that we now have a permanent phlebotomist; it’s good for the patients to have a familiar face plunge a needle into their veins. Yay team.

This morning she parked her vehicle in her frantic pace and left the lights on. She walked back to her vehicle twice but left the lights on. The reason I know this is because she parked right in front of my window. I figured it was one of those new fangled cars whose lights automatically turn off after a period of time. It wasn’t. So being the good co-worker, I found her and let her know that her lights were on.

Wicked: Good Morning, you left your lights on.

Vampire: Oh, is there a sign?

Wicked: The lights on your car, they are on.

Vampire: Do I need to move the car?

Wicked: (I went to the light switch in her room and turned it on and off) Your car lights are on.

Vampire: (Clueless as to what I was trying to convey) Thank you, thank you very much.

I walked away. She followed me. I took her to the window and showed her the lights on her car. She grabbed her keys and went outside, opened the door, shut the door. The lights remain on.

My work here is done. Note to self, don’t let this woman draw blood from me.

Nobody Panic, It's Just a Joke......

Sitting in a bar in Florida are a Mexican, an Arab and a lovely, young Florida woman, all enjoying a cool beer on a warm afternoon. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, we make our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.”

The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches her glass as is falls. She smiles sweetly and says, "In America, we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.”

God Bless America !

Warming, Schmorming

Either Mother Nature has developed a terrible case of eczema or we have our fist snow!!



My sincerest apologies to my friends who have suffered or are currently suffering from horrible weather conditions. This post in no way diminishes your meteorological misfortunes.

Carbon Copy God and Everybody

What is the thought process of those who feel as though they are in the right to the degree they must write a global e-mail in which they CC God and everybody?

Intimidation? Snort!
Narcissism? Makes sense.
Irreverence? No, they probably don’t even know what that means.
Autocratic? Whatever lets them sleep at night?
Ignorance? Ding, ding – we have a winner.


Trust me gang, God is way too busy to even read your whiney e-mail. If the purpose is to rattle me, it takes more than one belligerent yahoo to make that happen. Let’s all just perform the tasks at hand and take a chill pill.

Shall we?

The Most Adorable Onsie, EVER!!!

Does that sound convincing? Hey, I never said I was an actress.

Gestational Countessa’s baby shower is coming up. Can I tell you that when God was making me, not only did he leave out the shopping gene he also left out the enjoying any type of shower gene. I get nauseous even thinking about cooing over each and every gift being opened. I mean do we really need to oooh and aaaah after each package? Seriously, we are all grown women here.

I am extremely happy for my sister, she had a miscarriage the first go round, and I can’t wait to meet Smelly. (I promise to reveal the story behind her moniker during a future post) I am more than happy to plan the event, make the favors, order the food send out the invitations and socialize with the crowd. It’s the inane gift reveal that simply makes me want to poke my eyes right out.

I will be the dutiful sibling and endure the madness but there had better be liquor involved. If not, I may have to bring a flask. I draw the line at shower games. If that happens, Wicked will leave the building.

BS, Sous-Chef Mermaid and I spent 3 hours of quality bonding time preparing the baby shower centerpieces and favors. Let me tell you that the mother daughter team (BS /Sous-Chef Mermaid) were most definitely not designed for assembly line productions. Oy vey! They were killing me. I cannot remember the last time I laughed so heartily.

BS has a mean OCD streak. We had to make sure that the freaking ribbons were not only free of twists but if there was a millimeter of ribbon extending past the line, BS lost it. It’s a baby shower favor, not brain surgery. Then Sous-Chef Mermaid was seriously challenged when it came to affixing labels to nuggets of chocolate. I, of course, was handling the situation with grace. NOT!!! You all know better than that.

In any case, it will all be over soon. I mean I am sure the shower will go as planned. I leave you with a direct quote from my 11 year old niece, Sous-Chef Mermaid: “Smelly better appreciate all the work that was involved with these shower favor things!”

That apple, it does not fall far from the tree.

MLK Day

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” MLK

I want you to consider this the next time you think about not speaking out on an issue that comes to your attention. Those of you with the day off, at least take a moment to remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Calmed and Collected

I have always found humor to be the best medicine, right up there behind martinis. But I digress.

I give you this very amusing sign from Vancouver:



What would the sign read if the dogs wrote it for the humans?

Have a great weekend. Those of you with a three day weekend, I am envious.

Amalgamated

I am having one horrific day. So bad that whining about it is not even going to help me; those of you that know me personally will find that earth shattering.

In any case, I am counting the minutes down to the end of the day because trying to imagine the hours is painful.

Someone, tell me something amusing. I beg of you!

Overwhelmed

In the past few days I have heard this mantra from a co-worker more times than I care to count.

Perhaps the phrase I am overwhelmed is the new whatever.

It all made me think, perhaps my next life I am going to come back as an individual who will spend her days being overwhelmed and lack knowledge in general. It seems these people have an easier go of it.

If you have any thoughts, now would be the time to share. You see it is National De-Lurking Week. Next thing you know Hallmark will make an e-card for this very special occassion.

Come on, share. You know you want to; why else to you visit so often?

A Whole Lot of Nothing

The weekend’s heat wave gave me the opportunity to practice one of the seven deadly sins. Yes friends, I was a sloth this weekend.

I spent much quality time on my deck soaking up some vitamin D but after that I was compelled to turn on the AC when I went back inside. Seriously, I am going to contact a coupe of my meteorological type friends and ask them if we can send good ole Mamma Nature some HRT into the atmosphere.

It’s January! I’d like to wear winter clothes and see a few inches of snow. Not possible when the weather was 73 degrees. If I wanted to live in Florida or Arizona I would have moved there.

I need four distinct seasons. Not too much to ask.

Gee, I Am Looking Forward to the Future

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ..

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

(If I knew who the original author was, I'd gladly give him/her credit. Just enjoy this as much as I did)

Welcome 2007

Hope you all rang it in safely. Mine was perfectly spent with my favorite niece.

I am happy to report that so far I have not broken any resolutions. Of course, I didn't make any either. My Mamma didn't raise a fool.

Fess up, who has succumbed?

Those of you at work today, I also feel your pain. The rest of you I envy. Maybe one resolution of mine should be, next life I will work for the Feds. On second thought, never mind.